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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Need some help; 2x4's needed
ShockedErica11
♀ Member
Member # 37550
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I donít know how to express myself in this at all, or at least, so I donít sound like Iím making excuses about my behavior. So, here goes:
I am a wayward. Or a madhatter, or whichever one. I was cheated on and then I cheated. Began an EA/PA in March of this year with my ex, that lasted until June of this year. We did not have sex, but that doesnít much matter because anytime it becomes physical Ė no matter how small or large Ė it was still physical, regardless.
That sounded like an excuse. God, this is confusing.
Okay, I started the EA; contacted OM on FB; it became a PA after one month. Went NC, I want to say about a quarter of a way through (canít remember the exact date, but Taurus517 might remember that better than me at this point), but I didnít do an official NC so within the week it started up again. It stopped because Taurus517 found out through a text exchange, asked me about it, I came clean. Went NC with OM, but, like I said, it started back up about a week later. It ended officially this past June, and have not spoken to OM since.
Yes, he was married. Yes, I have a fucked up sense ofÖeverything at this point. Back story: OM was my ex. Girl he married, he cheated on me with (heís a habitual cheater; uses people as his exit strategy out relationships he no longer has a spark for). When it was apparent it was becoming an EA/PA, I will admit vindication (which says a lot more about me and how fucked up I actually am). But then I broke it off out of guilt and shame and anger at myself, at his wife, at Taurus517, at my WHís OW, at my parents and just anger at my life in general. Yes, being incredibly pissed off drove my sense of getting out of that situation more than anything.
Now, itís just moreÖpain. Disappointment. Anger. Frustration. Rage. Depression. Fear.
I want to feel the full gamut of these emotions and process them, but they are WAY too much at this point, and Iím beginning to realize the FOO issues that I thought I had dealt with are really just coming back to bite me in the ass. Royally.
When I say I have a screwed up sense of vindication, I mean to say: when my ex cheated on me I felt I deserved it bcause I was his exit strategy out of a relationship prior. It fucked me up, yes, but I chalked it up to being a stupid young adult (ha! Like Iím really that old) and tried to move on as best I could. I thought I had taken care of me and got myself right, but looking back, I realize I really havenít.
Like I said, my FOO issues are rearing their ugly, little heads and I am now in a fucked up spiral in which I keep hitting my head against a brick wall and just finding that itís coming back bloody. I realized just now as Iím typing this that I have FUCKED coping mechanism: I was a cutter at 14 Ė 16; thought I nicked the habit. It reared its ugly head during my first break up; thought I nicked the habit. Itís come back again.
Donít worry, Iíve got a different IC lined up. Last one really sucked because she wasnítÖI donít knowÖhelpful enough: talked over me, lacked empathy, asked really silly questions that pertained more to the marriage than just helping ME.
Some realizations:
ē Victimhood: I have serious problem with this. I think I play the victim, a lot. How badly Iíve been treated, how the world owes me a favor. On the flipside, Iím incredibly hard on myself because of these thoughts and I forced myself to prove to myself that I am not a victim. Upon review of my childhood and young adulthood, this ďvictim-not-victimĒ crap inside of myself made me put myself in some pretty dangerous situations, just to ďproveĒ to myself that I was strong enough
ē I compartmentalize like a motherfucker. Not in the sense of separating one aspect of my life into another. I am completely aware of ALL realities, but experiencing the actual emotions behind them? No, not so much. Itís an automatic response to take an intensely felt emotion, box it up and intellectualize it later. I donít actually FEEL the emotion, I just rationalize it.
ē My mother was cheated on and was the OW; I always hated that aspect, and hated when people talked so much shit about OW on this site. Didnít realize why until this morning because the ďtofuĒ comments people made about OW, yeah, that was my mom: she became the person she was dating as opposed to just realizing her relationships are FUCKED up. She was/is a serial OW
ē My father, King Rugsweeper. Probably one of the biggest origins of my issues because a)he molested me; b) he terrorized everyone he came in contact with and fucked them over if he could; c) was emotionally and physically abusive, but then on the flipside played so MANY self-affirmation tapes and CDs and positivity things that it was confusing on trying to understand how to be positive when youíre too busy running away from a lightweight boxer thatís about to kick your ass for something miniscule. To this day he STILL acts like he DOESNíT know why he and my mom divorced. He was an alcoholic and was especially abusive of my mom.

I donít know if Iím over explaining, or if Iím doing any of this right. I struggle with: ďAm I doing this right?Ē

I donít know. This is just a jumble of thoughts because I was honestly just terrified of posting on the site, but I realize I have to. Someone elseís post today made me realize I was being a REAL judgemental POS, chicken shit about posting and that I need to get over myself.

Also, if I sound blasť, please note that Iím really not. Itís just a defense mechanism. I just box up the emotions immediately, even if I am a raging inferno underneath.

Sorry.


Him (31): Taurus517 (17 mon EA/PA); others
Me (27): 3mo EA/PA (kissed once)
One too many D-days
(Full story: see profile)

Posts: 230 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Atlanta, GA
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Red  Posted: 6:01 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please do not ask for 2x4s. It makes it very difficult for us to moderate the thread.

Thank you.


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's great that you're admitting all this and thinking and trying to find all the reasons for it but what are you going to choose differently this time. If I remember correctly you allowed a man to kiss you and feel you up before. You said that you went no contact dropped friends and full transparency then. So what are you going to do different this time now that you've cross your boundaries again?

[This message edited by Unagie at 6:33 PM, July 11th (Thursday)]


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2700 | Registered: Oct 2012
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get much of what you're talking about. Similarities are that the AP was and ex and they cheated on us. Crazy... , stuffing emotions or rationalizing them instead of feeling them, and foo issues. The degree to which your foo issues are involved is quite a bit more than for me, but I think I can understand...

So you have this huge pile of shit to deal with and you don't know where to start? Is that the basic gist? I do that too. And while juggling everything, every once in a while something falls into place. Actively working on whatever you can through IC or with Taurus will help you to take some baby steps even if it is sideways intlstead of forward. I don't really think that constant forward movement is always possible. So it comes down to the effort. That should be costant. Yet, you will ned to take breaks too or your head will explode.

Work on those feelings. Find them and hold them for a bit. Let yourself go there with Taurus or with IC. Out of everything you're dealing with I'm guessing that is probably one of your biggest challenges.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6097 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
ShockedErica11
♀ Member
Member # 37550
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

what are you going to choose differently this time. If I remember correctly you allowed a man to kiss you and feel you up before. You said that you went no contact dropped friends and full transparency then. So what are you going to do different this time now that you've cross your boundaries again?

To be perfectly honest, I donít know. The realizations really only hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday, and my brain has been working overtime to catch-up, to process and deal. But then on the flipside, I know that the way that Iíve dealt with things is incorrect. It was wrong. If I say transparency now (which is a given), then what else is there left to do? Everything that I did back then I did more so out of an instinctive need to please because I knew I had screwed up royally and had spoken to people whoíd known me longer than anyone and they let me know that something serious was going on if that was the only ďlogicalĒ action that I couldíve taken in that moment.
But now, I donít know. Is the NC for me? If thatís the case (which it definitely is) then itís been done. I felt even more horror and confusion when I was talking to OM then just being by myself and attempting to process. It was like I was outside of myself observing myself from a weird, detached scientific standpoint: analyzing my actions, recording the data, making notations, changing the theories, redrafting the experiment, coming up with conclusions, all the while watching myself do the things I was doing, and stopping myself, but not stopping myself. I donít know if Iím making sense.
So, Iíve gone NC and I donít feel any which way about OM at all. Yes, he was my ex, but at the same time, I think of him and his wife and thereís nothing really. Or Ė and this is what I tried to explain to WH last night Ė where someone WOULD feel sick to their stomach or feel something that would either signify a feeling of SOMETHING, inside of me I feel a black hole. Like, the only emotions that penetrate are anger and sadness; everything else is empty. I can laugh, but itís inauthentic because I canít ďfeelĒ it underneath it all in the core of my being. So, I donít feel anything, and not even an out of sight, who gives a crap, they have no bearing on my future type deal. Just, an absence of anything, an emptiness of anything.
But to go back because I think Iím rambling: there were no friends involved this time, and no one egging me on and making the decision to slip down the slippery slope easier. I was by myself. I made the choice. One day, it was a moment of absolute despair and anger and rage, and I tipped over the edge. I donít know what else to do, and maybe because Iím not thinking hard enough? Iíve opened up to Taurus517 about my feelings; we attempt to talk about issues that concern the A, what thought processes, FOO issues, current things going on at the time. I attempt to reel in my anger (a difficult task, but I attempted to create a ďsafeĒ place in the apartment: a very zen-like area that I told him we need to use in order to calm our thoughts and retreat to if the conversations become too heated. It was partially to solve some WHís trigger actions for me and partially because I knew we needed a retreat. So I built a place that neither could intrude upon the other if necessary).
Iíve signed up to a new IC because the last one was a dud; we suspended MC for the moment because while she was a help, I donít think, in my personal opinion, that weíre ready for that yet; I know Iím not because I didnít realize how much anger, resentment, depression and sadness actually existed underneath the surface. WH had a theory of his own that because of the things that happened in my childhood perhaps that maybe why there is a void, and that even before the outside stimuli gets to a point of intensity, my brain automatically snatches it away so that in many situations Iím incredibly detached regardless and aloof.
So you have this huge pile of shit to deal with and you don't know where to start? Is that the basic gist? I do that too. And while juggling everything, every once in a while something falls into place. Actively working on whatever you can through IC or with Taurus will help you to take some baby steps even if it is sideways intlstead of forward. I don't really think that constant forward movement is always possible. So it comes down to the effort. That should be costant. Yet, you will ned to take breaks too or your head will explode.
Work on those feelings. Find them and hold them for a bit. Let yourself go there with Taurus or with IC. Out of everything you're dealing with I'm guessing that is probably one of your biggest challenges.

An incredible challenge. Like I said, Iíve really only begun processing this yesterday. It really only hit me yesterday. Iím attempting to pick apart my thoughts and separate them from slippery slope processes. I donít know. I mean, I know that I did a terrible thing. I try to tell WH to not take the responsibility for my actions regardless because these were MY actions and he canít take them on because thatís added pressure. In my more lucid moments, Iím pretty level headed about the entire situation, right down to discussing the A. Until I hit a snag, and then reel in my emotions and do what I have to do to keep them under control.
But I still feel like I need help.
Yes, I donít know where to start. Iíve read the healing library. I stuck to JFO, General, Reconciliation, and read Wayward to begin to understand all points of view. Iím attempting to strengthen my Buddhist practice; Iím reading books on personalities, astrology, and just about people in general. Iíve going back and forth on an Ebook ďRecovering from AffairsĒ and another on relieving stress and anxiety. But even with all the accumulated knowledge, the question keeps coming up: what the holy fucking hell did I get myself into?
People will say I have it together. ďYouíre on the right path; keep going.Ē But why do I still feel like screaming at the top of my lungs and saying I donít?
Now, I feel like Iím complaining. Iíll stop now.

[This message edited by ShockedErica11 at 1:31 PM, July 12th (Friday)]


Him (31): Taurus517 (17 mon EA/PA); others
Me (27): 3mo EA/PA (kissed once)
One too many D-days
(Full story: see profile)

Posts: 230 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Atlanta, GA
ShockedErica11
♀ Member
Member # 37550
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please do not ask for 2x4s. It makes it very difficult for us to moderate the thread.
Thank you.

Very sorry about the violation. I'll remember next time.

Thanks.


Him (31): Taurus517 (17 mon EA/PA); others
Me (27): 3mo EA/PA (kissed once)
One too many D-days
(Full story: see profile)

Posts: 230 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Atlanta, GA
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need to figure out what you were using the A to replace in your life or run away from. I used it to replace my own damaged self esteem and to run away from depression and confrontation. I used it in place of healthy coping skills that should have been used. Figure out your why and dig deep. My issues go back far longer then my relationship. I know when your actions and the consequences fully hit you it feels like a house on top of you. But the only way to get through this is to feel all of it.

[This message edited by Unagie at 2:55 PM, July 12th (Friday)]


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2700 | Registered: Oct 2012
Topic Posts: 7

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