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Newest Member: TryingToReform (45458)

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User Topic: Multidating leads to game playing
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OAIL, Is this how you'd describe dating to your daughters?

OK, I'll bite. I've had two dates with each of these women. We don't know each other very well yet. Yeah, one of them is my second choice right now, but they both have potential. If my daughter had a second date with someone, then discovered he had preferred someone else but that didn't work out, I wouldn't necessarily tell my daughter to dump him. If he was honest, was treating her well, and the relationship was heading in a strong, positive direction, that's what would matter.

caregiver9000, I just thought it was funny. Absolutely no offense taken. You're dealing with a master self-effacer.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
notmeanymore
♀ Member
Member # 9772
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think at two dates in you may be more attracted to one person versus another but you certainly don't know either one well enough to know which has real potential.

So Ms Second Place could turn out to be a winner after all. You never know.

Regarding your reluctance with any woman who shows interest - Reminds me of this Groucho Marx quote

" I don't want to belong to any club that would accept me as a member"


"Put the cuckoo back in the clock baby" - Four Brothers

Posts: 873 | Registered: Feb 2006
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Reluctance with any woman who shows interest"

Dang, I thought I refuted that one...


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
InnerLight
♀ Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

make sure you let her know that you are multi-dating

I don't think this is necessary.

There's a point at which being 'considerate' like this sounds melodramatic or more like 'self-importance'. ie. I know I'm so hot that I am taking extra care not to break your heart so I will tell you I am seeing other women.

We are all different of course but it would be a turn off for me. As an early dater meeting someone on a dating site I will is assume you are multidating until we have the talk and I would find it very unflattering to bring up other women when we are out together.

Until you get serious enough to bring up the topic of exclusivity then I think taking about dating others is in poor taste.

I don't think multidating in early dating when working with a dating site is about game playing at all. More about time management than anything else. It's also an antidote for getting overly invested too soon.

I like the analogy that was used on another thread...it was called 'tending the herd'.

[This message edited by InnerLight at 5:10 PM, July 11th (Thursday)]


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5872 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
million pieces
♀ Member
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think this is necessary.

There's a point at which being 'considerate' like this sounds melodramatic or more like 'self-importance'. ie. I know I'm so hot that I am taking extra care not to break your heart so I will tell you I am seeing other women.

We are all different of course but it would be a turn off for me. As an early dater meeting someone on a dating site I will is assume you are multidating until we have the talk and I would find it very unflattering to bring up other women when we are out together.

Until you get serious enough to bring up the topic of exclusivity then I think taking about dating others is in poor taste.

I agree totally.


Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 12
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks OIAL... I am happy to be humorous, and silly. Good thing since it happens so often.


InnerLight,

Thank you!!! You said it so clearly. That is exactly how I feel.

Of course, everyone is different. Some want to have that conversation, some don't. Your date will hopefully give you cues with what needs saying and what doesn't. But I don't think you are honor bound to bring it up.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5868 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the conversation went something like this for me:

Him: So, have you had luck on Match?

Me: Some. Met some great guys, just not great guys for me. How about you?

Him: Well, same. I have had coffee with a few nice people, and have some more dates lined up. Do you think everyone is dating more than one person?

Me: Yes, I do. I don't do it very well, but I understand it is part of the OLD experience.

This was like second date conversation. So, my eyes were wide open. I accepted the third date invitation, but by the end knew I wasn't interested in taking it further when he tried to kiss me. It was partially because he was multi-dating. When he asked for date 4, I just told him I'm not cut out for extensive multi dating. He said, "Well, I am looking for new friends too...".

It is so personal. I have never been able to multi-date. Not in college, not post marriage. I'm just not comfortable with it. I can hide it for a few dates, but after that I need more...direction. It is just who I am. If the guy needs/wants to multidate others after 4 dates or so...then he isn't my guy. In order for me to relax, especially physically, I need to be the "only one". That probably includes anything much past a chaste kiss.

It is just who I am, and I've learned to rock it.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4187 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
missherlots
♂ Member
Member # 30591
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

onnceinalifetime,

Have you ever taken a decision on you own?

told you before and I am telling you now.

Stop dating until you get your act together. You can suck the life out of the dating world with so much worry and questions to others about how you should behave or do.

I think you need like a child, some time out. it is disrespectful to your potential partners how you act because I think. when you choose one girl, you will be asking SI what to do next or if you should dumpt her or not.

Have you ask yourself what do you want? You do not like sex right away, but also you do not like to date to long to really know someone to have sex with.

I am scratching my head. your have some development issues or mother attachment problems. I am not joking here. it might sounds rude or cruel but I am wondering.

You sound articulate and smart but the incapacity to take basic dating decisions makes me wonder where all this coming from?

I do not want to be mean or condescending but Like cat woman said. Jeez!!!

take one decision and stick with it. good or bad but at least is YOUR decision and not SI's about your life.

My two cents.

[This message edited by missherlots at 6:01 PM, July 11th (Thursday)]


Pain and suffering is part of life, but I choose to feel love and compassion for all people excluding no one.

Posts: 96 | Registered: Jan 2011
notmeanymore
♀ Member
Member # 9772
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OAIL - oh, I guess you did refute it. I just couldn't pass up an opportunity to quote Groucho Marx.


"Put the cuckoo back in the clock baby" - Four Brothers

Posts: 873 | Registered: Feb 2006
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I for one like reading these kinda threads. I don't know anyone else IRL that is OLD. It is new territory for most of us and I like being able to ask questions of both men and women.

I am an introvert and dating sucks. I like knowing other people struggle with the same issues.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4187 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
asurvivor
♂ Member
Member # 32368
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

at least is YOUR decision and not SI's about your life.

Hang on now...if everyone takes this to heart it would eliminate 95% of my viewing pleasure in this area of SI.

just kidding...sort of

and how the hell do you do a quote.

[This message edited by asurvivor at 6:34 PM, July 11th (Thursday)]


I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know.



Posts: 576 | Registered: Jun 2011
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Applause!!! This:
If he was honest, was treating her well, and the relationship was heading in a strong, positive direction, that's what would matter.

Sounds much healthier than this:

most people wouldn't want to be a plan B. But honestly, I'm willing to be a plan B

Hope you have some fun this weekend!

Another shout-out to InnerLight:

We are all different of course but it would be a turn off for me. As an early dater meeting someone on a dating site I will is assume you are multidating until we have the talk and I would find it very unflattering to bring up other women when we are out together.

Until you get serious enough to bring up the topic of exclusivity then I think taking about dating others is in poor taste.

[This message edited by ladies_first at 6:50 PM, July 11th (Thursday)]


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like reading these threads too! I hesitate to post a response though because I feel under qualified to give "advice." But I am comfortable with perspective. Ha. Splitting hairs.

To me it is a lot like journaling with a peanut gallery. I hope that using SI as a sounding board is but one way we can check ourselves. I don't feel like anyone is asking the collective SI to make decisions FOR them.

Feedback is beyond helpful and I appreciate those who are brave enough to put their insecurity out there for everyone to see.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5868 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

misherlots, not sure where to begin with that, or whether I should even bother.

I'll just say I take great value from the different perspectives I receive from the very compassionate and wise members here. In fact I'm often humbled by the generosity of spirit here. Some advice works for me, some advice doesn't. I take what helps. In the end, if SI advice helps lead me towards a good decision, wonderful. If in your eyes that makes me an indecisive menace with "development issues or mother attachment problems," so be it.

When I was going through the shit storm of infidelity, did SI decide for me that I should file for divorce? Of course not. Different people were suggesting very different things, and with some help from that collective wisdom, I made my choice. Along with help from my therapist, my minister, and my family. In the end, my choice, as informed as I could make it. Every choice I make is my own, regardless of how informed it is.

I'm not very experienced at beginning relationships. There are still gray areas around dating for me. I could just go barrelling through without a care in the world. But I think that would be the more hurtful attitude.

I'm going to continue to ask my friends here for advice when I feel it could help. That might amuse some, bother others, and strike a chord with others still. If it bothers you, I suggest you stop reading my posts.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
InnerLight
♀ Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I appreciate that you post the details of all your decision making angst in the process of OLD. Some people relax and just go with it, but then stress out in another area that you would think, what a no-brainer what's the big deal. To each his own. OLD has a lot of challenges and brings up a lot of big and small issues. I appreciate all the thought you put into it.

I see it as just anxiety put into words. We all have anxiety about something. We aren't all as articulate as you are in expressing it. I also appreciate that you reach out in this forum. I feel like I've shared part of the NB journey with you. Youve made yourself vulnerable and I respect that.

FWIW I think you are travelling the NB journey with a lot of integrity and I think you are doing great.

I am sending my well wishes for whatever you decide to do with this sweet abundance of dating possibilities.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5872 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
WhiteWolfWinning
♀ Member
Member # 12475
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To misherlots,
There's a conventional wisdom on SI that says ... more or less .. . stay off threads that bug you. It's really that simple.

OIAL,
I've worked through many things with the help of SI. You don't need to defend yourself for posting what you need to post in this safe place.

Wolf


Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply, Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God

Thank you, Lord, for the lightness of my burdens


Posts: 8233 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: midwest
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

t/j

I want to be IL when I grow up.

Seriously, I feel like I can just go around the board and go "ditto" each time she posts.

so.... (again) yea, what IL said.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5868 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
little turtle
♀ Member
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to add that I also think you should not tell anyone you are multi-dating. When I was dating, I assumed the guys were seeing other girls just as I was seeing other guys. No need to talk about it unless you're going to be exclusive.


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4212 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK...so I think this will show my insecurity...

How are you guys...yourselves...if you know there is multidating going on after a few dates?

I don't want to feel like I'm competing for a guys attention. Let me rephrase that...I'm NOT going to compete for a guys attention. If I'm a couple of dates in, and I like him, and he IS multi dating...I'm going to back out. I don't want to feel like I'm on an episode of "The Bachlorette". By about date 3 or 4, I"m expecting things to be getting more physical..and I am totally not comfortable with..."sharing". So, my assumption is by that point, he isn't that into me, and I'm going to end it.

With that being said, I'm probably not really...me...until I know I'm the only person he is dating. If I feel like I"m competing, then I'm going to be much more reserved and cautious. Maybe that is the after affects of infidelity? I felt like I had to compete for attention and I vowed to never do that again.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4187 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think it's fair to pile on missherlots like that. Not only has he often stated that since English isn't his first language (so he often comes across more direct than he probably intends) he's as welcome to his opinion as the rest of us. I tend to agree with what he's saying though in terms of the panic & utter confusion that often imbues these threads while simultaneously being sympathetic to it. There is no "just snap out of it" when you're dealing with feelings like this & we all know it.

It can be hard for me to read OIALs take on women sometimes. He can be harsh, or rather I think he is harsh, and I'm not sure he recognizes it or understands how it's undermining his efforts. I try to be generous and chalk it up to being the written word not being sufficient unto the day, but still sometimes it's gets to me and I'll avoid his threads until I miss the gossip ha ha & get sucked back in

Frankly I see the trajectory of dating after D to be just like the trajectory of healing after an A and D. The reason most of us don't post in JFO? Because we've moved so far along in our healing that our advice is just "too" too much. Same for dating. There's a tipping point where those dating to find their first SO after a D are hand-wringing like teenagers and for those that are further along, well, they try to help out, but sometimes it can be just "too" much. Stronger08 has pointed this out too in most of these threads.

I read these threads usually b/c besides the gossip ha ha, it is always interesting to see others perspectives. I never had the self-doubt for my feelings and actions like I do now before my xWH shit all over my life. And so even though I've regained my confidence and feel like I've got a good handle on things, I no longer feel I've got nothing to learn when it comes to be convinced I'm right about my perceptions on men, women, dating, OLD etc. So I read and question, both myself & you all.

As for multi-dating, I don't like that term b/c I think it's inaccurate. To me, multi-daters are those people who don't want a commitment so they are constantly on the prowl, dating scads of people, stringing people along, lying about who they are with. To me it's a negative term with negative connotations. I don't term going on dates with several new people while you are trying to figure out which one will stick as multi-dating. There's no long term there. It's 1 or 2 dates, the person sticks as an SO or doesn't (so you know you'll no longer see them). Not sure if I'm being clear. Because my definition is implying that multi-dating is a way to avoid a committed relationship versus being open to new people and seeing who sticks.

I'm not sure the distinction matters though. But honestly, if dating isn't making you feel good, then why do it? I enjoyed the attention while I was doing it. I didn't particularly find it confusing, although it was sometimes exhausting/tiring/ridiculous and only one guy poofed on me that sort of threw me (sort of my re-entry to dating reminder, oh yeah! that shit happens!) and then I recalibrated and moved forward. I learned a lot about myself while doing it, which I think was important in an NB, heal from A & D way.

Ok, morning ramble over. I"m not sure if I made a point or even had one. Carry on!


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3126 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
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