I know I'm better off now, and I know this frees me up to eventually find someone who will give me the love I deserve.
I also know that The Princess is off in a sexual tailspin (i.e. spinning her tail around for all to see), and will never be happy, because she is a discontented whore.
But for years, I thought I had happiness. Even though I was wrong, I miss it. And today it hurts like hell.
That's all I have to report.
Sometimes my brain has trouble explaining things to my heart.. I think it knows what's up, but it doesn't take away the sadness..
I totally get this. Most times I'm happy. I'm so much better off...and I actually believe those words now! But sometimes, when I see a couple with a good interaction, I wish I had that.
The good news?? Now I'm actually free to find a true, loving, healthy relationship. Because the reality was that I never had it with ex-shat.
It's ok to be sad too. It takes quite a while to get to the point where looking back at what your life was and what you thought it was going to be and not be sad about it. I look back now, and know that my life never was what I thought it was. I'm smarter now. The next time it will be because it's what I want.
WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.
That was supposed to be us.
That's what I signed up for and worked so hard for too, friend.
I thought I had happiness. Even though I was wrong, I miss it.
My WS POS father died when I was 17. Infidelity was the least of his issues. He was a hopeless addict (drugs, booze) and I hadn't seen him since I was 10 but for a few break ins to terrorise and hurt my mum and a few terrifying attempts at kidnapping my baby sister and me - again, just to terrorise my mum.
I hated him. I hated everything about him. I lived in fear of him showing up - he always seemed to find us. He hadn't found us for 4 years. It was the longest I had lived anywhere, the longest I had gone to the same school - previously we had moved every 3-6 months.
I was elated when my mum told me he had died. I was weightless. I was reborn free that day. I can still remember that euphoric feeling.
Being a 17 year old I insisted on going to his funeral to look at him to ensure it was him and not another trick. I had to see it with my own eyes to believe it.
What I didn't expect was to wail at his funeral. To sob uncontrollably. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I was on my knees crying my heart out virtually the whole time.
It was very confusing - I felt great shame about this for a very long time.
Years later I read a line in a book that eased the shame. It was about a man who did the same thing at the funeral of his pure evil brother.
"I am not mourning the brother I did have, I am mourning the brother I did not have".
I knew at that moment that is what I felt at his funeral. I was mourning the father I did not have.
I know I am now mourning the husband and marriage I did not have.
Its OK to feel sad. I am glad to still be a feeling being after all of this shit. I don't ever want to go numb again.
((pass)) Breathe through this dip my friend. It will pass.
She said that the kids had told her what I had told them about how I've been much happier lately than in my whole life (due to anti-depressants and lifestyle changes; I made sure they didn't think it was because of me leaving her). She told me that she knows me, and knows that I'm probably feeling guilty about feeling good (true, I am), but I shouldn't feel guilty.
Then she said that it not only makes my life better, but also improves life for the boys, for her, and for anyone else who loves me - so I should feel relief that my happiness is making other people happy too.
I've been totally embracing the anger stage (and enjoying it a little), but it just goes to show that even she has a little good in her. That sucks. Makes it harder to hate her like I should.
Sitting here sobbing at my computer.
I've been married to my STBXWH for 27 years. It's unlikely that I have enough time left to be with someone who won't hurt me longer than 27 years as I am 50 years old. It makes me very sad that my longest relationship is ending in such an epic failure. I always thought we would be that old couple who held hands. Until a few years ago I thought we were happy. Apparently he has been unhappy for a very long time.
Of course they have a little good in them. Most likely there's more than a little. We wouldn't have loved them so much if there wasn't. It's too bad that there isn't more good in them. Too bad there wasn't enough good for them to stop themselves from ruining so very much.
Stay strong. Let yourself cry if you need to. It can be a big relief of pent up emotion.
2 Ddays and lots of TT
Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going. (Criminal Minds)
I saw him, I could not unsee him. -StrongButBroken