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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Reality is setting in...
hangingontohope7
♀ Member
Member # 20024
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just feeling really low today. I knew that the shock would start to wear off but I had forgotten how much this hurts.

I know he is not willing to do the work.

I recognize that for the past 5 years he never fully committed to what I needed to repair the damage to our marriage. Its like it was always just out of reach. No matter how much I pleaded and cried, he could never figure out "the why." I convinced myself that he was doing his best. He gave me passwords, let me check phone records, took pictures and checked in when he was at the gym, called me everyday when he got to work, called from work, called on his way home. But he could never open up to me or himself as what led him to do what he did.

The affair came up all the time. The distrust never left me. And over the past two months I just knew something was wrong. I knew in my gut he had let someone cross the boundaries I so desperately needed him to establish.

I keep telling myself that I am better off. That he will never love me or anyone else because he is so broken. This new OW is only an escape, an illusion of a happiness he will never achieve.

But things are so fresh and all the logical thinking in the world isn't soothing my aching heart.


Me: BW
DDay #1 Tried R
DDAY #2 Divorcing

Burn everything love then burn the ashes.


Posts: 247 | Registered: Jun 2008
whatdoto
♀ Member
Member # 28555
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((hanginontohope7))

Oh, how I so feel just like you. I too pleaded, cried and begged for him to work on himself and go to counseling. He just can't do the hard work, like your WH. My WH also did the transparency thing, but like your WH, he did not and will not and I believe cannot open up and discuss his A and the why, etc...

So, that being the case, I decided that I don't need him, I don't need to be disrespected and ignored. I've given my WH 3 years to fix himself and take an active part in helping heal the M, himself and me. To this day, he is still worried about him and his impending loneliness.

Well, you need to 180 and get on with your life and your two wonderful boys. Listen, my 15 yr old son is more of a man than WH will ever be. Sad to say, but it's true. My decision to D also was to remove my DS from his toxic father.

Do what you have to do for YOU.

Many hugs to you honey.


"If your ideal image of yourself is in the future, it's going to stay there".

Posts: 1187 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Texas
hangingontohope7
♀ Member
Member # 20024
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the support.

I'm not sure if I'm missing him or missing the life I thought I had. Probably both.

I start IC in less than 2 weeks so I'm hoping that will help. I just have to keep telling myself that this is for the best. And as the weeks roll by I will establish a new life. Hopefully a better life where I'm not constantly looking over my shoulder and feeling like I'm not good enough.


Me: BW
DDay #1 Tried R
DDAY #2 Divorcing

Burn everything love then burn the ashes.


Posts: 247 | Registered: Jun 2008
fallingquickly
♀ Member
Member # 36599
Default  Posted: 12:07 AM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((hangingontohope7))))

I'm not sure if I'm missing him or missing the life I thought I had. Probably both.

I understand this. What I thought we had, well, I was wrong. The loss of that hurts tremendously. The loss of who he used to be hurts as well. Losing who he became doesn't hurt as much. It's what was supposed to be. That hurts so much.

Hang in there and know that you are understood.


Me-BW 50
Him-STBXWH

2 Ddays and lots of TT
divorcing

Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going. (Criminal Minds)

I saw him, I could not unsee him. -StrongButBroken


Posts: 453 | Registered: Aug 2012
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:25 AM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry. It's like a punch to the guts.

I recently finished a book I wish I'd read last year. Getting Past Your Breakup is very helpful. I thought it was awesome and will be working through a few of the chapters with some friends. Maybe there's something in it to help you, too.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9707 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 12:37 AM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((hoth))

I just have to keep telling myself that this is for the best.

I could never quite accept that statement. And having someone else force a life change on me was a bitter pill too.

But I could manage to believe it would be okay and before I knew it, it was better than okay.

Tell yourself what you can believe. The rest will follow.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5841 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Topic Posts: 6

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