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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: WS birthday
WeepingBuddhist
♀ Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today is my WS birthday. A big one. Even though he has been doing most everything to heal our marriage, I'm not feeling it. It took me over an hour to find a card---I couldn't get him one that says "love" or "husband" since I'm not sure I still do or that he will be for much longer. His presents are random crap that he will like but with no special meaning. I am the gift goddess, the party thrower, and creator of memorable events and this year, I'm phoning it in. I am feeling equal measures of guilt and sadness. Three months ago, this would have been the most amazing day for him and I can hardly bring myself to care.


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 568 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
Alex CR
♀ Member
Member # 27968
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's hard to celebrate when the WS has caused so much pain. Time will heal and time will tell if you feel the love in the future.

For my H's first birthday after Dday, I made a scrapbook all about his life, excluding the A, of course....his childhood, our beginnings, our family, hobbies, friends, etc. Everyone contributed photos and letters.....I felt H needed to know what he had as he seemed to have forgotten. It sits with all our photo albums and is one the kids seem to pull out often.

Things do get better as you work through it and at this early stage, you still being there is the biggest gift of all.


BS Me 61
WS Him 62
Married 33
Together 40
DD 11/16/09
The future looks good....

Posts: 1703 | Registered: Mar 2010
WeepingBuddhist
♀ Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh, that sounds really nice! and like something I would have done. I hate that I didn't--I just have not had the emotional energy to think about him in that way. It's been so hard to just live every day and while it's a consequence of his behavior, it FEELS unfair.


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 568 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO, honesty is the best policy, especially after D-Day - I believe that the way to teach honesty is to model it, and a WS sure needs to be taught honesty. If phoning it in is what you want to do, that's the best thing to do.

W's birthday was about 2 weeks after D-Day. Since I was feeling positive about the likelihood of R, I DID buy her a gift - a couple of Chapstiks.

The only reason we went out to dinner is that our son, DIL, and GS were visiting us from out of town, and we were keeping our problem a secret. (I'm not sure how that fits in with being honest.)

[This message edited by sisoon at 9:29 AM, July 11th (Thursday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10167 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
pearlharbr
♀ New Member
Member # 38072
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you WB. I too am a fantastic gift giver and spend all year listening and writing down ideas for his birthday and Christmas. My FWH's birthday occurred a few weeks after he moved back in. I got him a plant and felt guilty about it. But really his gift was me giving him a second chance, the same applies to your H.

Don't beat yourself up. This is a consequence of his actions. Your gift goddess mojo will return with time, he may or may not be the lucky recipient.


Me: BSO, 40 / Him: WSO, 39
Together since 2000
DDay: 11/08 A with COW
Reconciled, Married 12/11

Posts: 24 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: PacNW
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It took me over an hour to find a card---I couldn't get him one that says "love" or "husband" since I'm not sure I still do or that he will be for much longer. His presents are random crap that he will like but with no special meaning.

In my opinion, what you did is caring and loving. I'm not sure why you are feeling guilty for not doing more. So what if the gift is not as big as normal? You took the time and effort to recognize his special day. If this makes your WS happy, then share in his happiness.

I have found that, loving feelings follow loving actions.


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5668 | Registered: Aug 2007
Alex CR
♀ Member
Member # 27968
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((WeepingBuddhist))).....I forgot to write that my H's birthday was 9 months later....I'd had a lot more time to deal with things. You are very close to Dday and it is a huge gift you are even there.

And you are right... it is not fair.....this is not something any of us planned to be part of our marriage. But if you want to R and WS is truly remorseful, transparent and willing to do what it takes, it can work.

Hang in there.....be good to yourself.

P.S. I have a spray bottle of "Guilt Away' on my bureau.... it works wonders for me!


BS Me 61
WS Him 62
Married 33
Together 40
DD 11/16/09
The future looks good....

Posts: 1703 | Registered: Mar 2010
WeepingBuddhist
♀ Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone! The fact that I am still here is indeed a wonderful gift to him. I don't think he ever fully appreciated my earlier efforts, so it's possible he will not even notice that this year is (IMO) a rather pale copy.

I've got to find my bottle of "guilt away".

[This message edited by WeepingBuddhist at 12:09 PM, July 11th (Thursday)]


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 568 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
pearlharbr
♀ New Member
Member # 38072
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you (both) read Five Love Languages? That was an eye opener for us. My H didn't really appreciate my gifts (one of my primary LL) and I didn't fully get that his acts of service were his primary LL. Now that we know we try to both speak and accept each other's LL. Something to tuck away for the future, for now you're doing great with the card & small gifts.


Me: BSO, 40 / Him: WSO, 39
Together since 2000
DDay: 11/08 A with COW
Reconciled, Married 12/11

Posts: 24 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: PacNW
WeepingBuddhist
♀ Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh yeah, I am very much into gifts and service while he is time and touch. Until the last couple of weeks, he was really doing well with the small gifts and cards (I've noticed a distinct decline but we have both been traveling a lot so he gets a pass until after his birthday)


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 568 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
undonelife
♀ Member
Member # 38421
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS bd was 2 days after DDay. Our anniversary was 24 days beforeDDay ill never be able to look at the month of November the same again. He wanted to go out & eat for his BD. talk about hard to eat! I barely ate a few bites. We hadn't told our kids & trying to act 'normal' with the there was so difficult. I wasn't even sure he was done w her yet. Come to find out they were still in contact by email & she had wished Him happy BD just a few hours before!


Me: BS 53 Him: WH 51
M: 28 years
DDay 11/25/12 TT 9/9/13
OW:20 yrs younger McOW
Kids: 2 teens

Posts: 188 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Dark Hell
WeepingBuddhist
♀ Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG. That is awful; I can't even imagine trying to be with other people at that time. It's going to be hard enough to host a party this weekend!


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 568 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
WeepingBuddhist
♀ Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sooooooooo, WH totally loved his gifts and said his birthday was "great, plus we're having a party!". I wasn't planning on talking about how I felt but I did; I told him that I hoped his birthday was OK and that my lack of doing something special wasn't because I wanted to hurt him. He seemed kind of surprised and told me that if I HAD done something more grand (I used a scavenger hunt to find his presents as an example of what I DIDN'T do) it would have been OK but that he's just not into stuff like that and that he appreciates when I do things like that, but they are more for me since he's really happy without "all the fuss and bother". We'll see how the party goes---ugh, his friends who knew about the A will be attending---but I continue to be surprised by how some things are so much easier than I expect.


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 568 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
Alex CR
♀ Member
Member # 27968
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad to hear it went well! Hope you have a great weekend!


BS Me 61
WS Him 62
Married 33
Together 40
DD 11/16/09
The future looks good....

Posts: 1703 | Registered: Mar 2010
WeepingBuddhist
♀ Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks for the support everyone! The party was great, his friends were fine, and the dancing didn't start until midnight.


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 568 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
Topic Posts: 15

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