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User Topic: Wonder if I am the only one...
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I probably could keep my IC living in the lap of luxury for the rest of her life.

I don't know how people make their heads and hearts match. I don't.

I am a completely black and white person.

I am right or wrong

I am good or bad

I am a yes or a no

It's cut and dry. I was taught this, it is my mother 100% and something about her I do not admire….she is judgmental and can be harsh. I have had to really fight to NOT be that person. To go against how my brain was "formed" I guess you could say….

The difference for me now, post R and post lots and lots of IC is I understand that isn't the way things really are. I KNOW there are always different routes you can take. I know there is always more than one answer. Problem is, my head knows it but my gut, who I believe I am deep deep down inside still fights it.

Many times I have to force myself to use my rational thinking to dissect an issue rather than my gut feeling. KWIM? I can't do gut reactions because my "core" is warped, how I was raised is really off.

I have to stop myself and talk myself through an issue and even though I know the answer is X,Y, Z my irrational me wants to scream the "right" answer.

When does your mind match your inner voice? At what point does the way you were raised not yell from deep inside your soul? I wonder when it will just be natural for me not to initially judge an event or circumstance…when will it be natural to just have a loving, emotionally supportive response? When I stop and think about my reaction to something I believe what I say, but it isn't what my inner self wants to initially shout out.

Hmmm, I might just sound a little nuts.

Does this make sense to anyone but me?


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3792 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
dameia
♀ Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get what you're saying.

My mind is all over the place tonight, so please forgive me if I don't get my thoughts across succinctly.

I also have the problem of being a black and white person in a world of greys. It makes dealing with infidelity even more difficult.

But it affects all other aspects of life as well. I almost never go with my gut reaction on major decisions because I have to stop and really think about it, make sure I'm being rational.

Honestly I don't think I will ever be at the point where my first thought isn't judgemental....the loving, emotionally supportive thought is just not in my nature. However, I am able to ACT loving and supportive. And I usually get there, it just takes a little while for my brain to catch up to my heart.

Like I said, my brain isn't really functioning tonight, so I'm sorry if that was a bunch of drivel. Just wanted to let you know you're not alone.


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. ~Steven Deitz


Posts: 1110 | Registered: Jul 2012
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly I don't think I will ever be at the point where my first thought isn't judgemental....the loving, emotionally supportive thought is just not in my nature. However, I am able to ACT loving and supportive.

Yes, this is where I am. I am able to act loving and supportive, but if it isn't in my gut is that who I am?

If it isn't my gut reaction doesn't that ultimately make me a bad person (there I go, good or bad ) One shouldn't have to think about being good... IMO

[This message edited by karmahappens at 10:33 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3792 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
dameia
♀ Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If it isn't my gut reaction doesn't that ultimately make me a bad person (there I go, good or bad ) One shouldn't have to think about being good... IMO

I don't know....I don't see it that way. Its your actions that count IMO. Sure, maybe my gut reaction is judgemental and wrong, but since I don't ACT on it, then isn't that what counts?

I know it sounds bad, but no one knows what you're thinking. If you behave in a loving and supportive manner, then that is what people will remember. They'll never know the little judgemental commentary that was running through your mind at the time.

I really do my best to be kind and polite to everyone I meet. Sure, my brain doesn't always cooperate, but as long as I keep all that nonsense internal then I'm doing no harm to people around me, which is a goal I think everyone should have. It would make the world a much more pleasant place to live, that's for sure.

So really, I think that you're being too hard on yourself. You're not perfect, and that's okay.


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. ~Steven Deitz


Posts: 1110 | Registered: Jul 2012
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know it sounds bad, but no one knows what you're thinking. If you behave in a loving and supportive manner, then that is what people will remember. They'll never know the little judgemental commentary that was running through your mind at the time.

That's what my IC says.

I just can't wrap my brain around it...

Thanks Dameia


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3792 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

she is judgmental and can be harsh.

Suffering is the price you pay for being right. Was your Mother a happy person, or was she angry a lot?

Happiness comes from within. To find happiness, your mind needs to come from a calm, peaceful place. You'll never find peace of mind when you're harsh and judgmental to others. You will find it showing compassion and loving-kindness for those that see and do things differently than you.


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Posts: 5631 | Registered: Aug 2007
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Suffering is the price you pay for being right. Was your Mother a happy person, or was she angry a lot?


I don't think she was angry a lot,but she wasn't carefree...everything is an issue. The being judgmental was so hard for me growing up. She used to say things to people when they didn't do something "right" or were off in her eyes...she was very passive-aggressive, making a cruel comment with an off-putting laugh to make her point.

It used to make my stomach knot.

I am really happy, and like dameia said I can be loving and caring, but it isn't instinctual I have to be conscious of my actions. I am so afraid of becoming like her I have to constantly evaluate my reactions to people and things...I don't think that's normal.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 11:38 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3792 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so afraid of becoming like her I have to constantly evaluate my reactions to people and things...I don't think that's normal

I think that is very normal. I firmly believe that we cannot control our thoughts, but we can control how we react to them.

That inner voice we hear in our head is usually one of our parents talking. Often that inner voice is harsh and judgmental. The trick is to have the same compassion for ourselves the way we would have compassion for a loved one.

Bottom line, stop beating yourself up. Sounds like you're doing fine. You may find the following book helpful:
The Joy of Living: Unlocking the Secret and Science of Happiness by Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Posts: 5631 | Registered: Aug 2007
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG Harden. ... That was a lightbulb moment. .....

The voice inside my head is my mother.

Never good enough, thin enough, smart enough.... just never enough. All compliments followed by a BUT... wow.

I never put it together. Thank you.

I hope my children's inner voices are softer and speak kinder messages.

Thank you for taking the time. I will definitely try the book.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 2:05 PM, July 11th (Thursday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3792 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Topic Posts: 9

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