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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Your Daily 180...How did your 180 go today?
NewMom0220
♀ Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Abbondad,

It sucks when you are doing something and you feel like one of your limbs is missing. It sucks even harder when you think that she is not there because of the choices she made....and that she could be there if she really wanted to.

It sucks...it all sucks...but some days suck less than others. I'm hoping that your feelings were fleeting and the caramel apple fun took over.

You are an awesome dad and a wonderful husband. I read your posts and it shows how much you love your WW. It's tough when you wish you could save them from themselves. My WS is really missing out. Sometimes when we do interact I'm spending most of my time showing him what new thing the baby is doing these days. It's like show and tell...watch DS do this, watch DS in his jumperoo, look at how DS reacts to this cartoon...and he's only 4 1/2 months old. I doubt I'll be in the mood for show and tell forever...but he is really missing out.

Aren't we lucky that we get to enjoy these precious kids? I keep thinking about people who suffer greater tragedies than a Wayward Spouse and I think that I'd much rather be in my shitty position than in someone else's shoes. I'm so blessed to have this baby and no matter what happens DS and I will always be a family.


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 329 | Registered: Apr 2013
careerlady
♀ Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 2:26 AM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mind if i join? I think i need to participate in this thread. My situation is more f-ed up than I can post. It's hard cause there is family staying with us that has no idea and we are sleeping in the same bed. I've been using the bed to ambush him and try to get him to work on the marriage as he states he wants to do but since the requested actions haven't followed I feel we are on the way to D. My reasoning is not working, he's in fact hanging out late tonight which is a first since D day. I told him last night I officially gave up, now I'm trying to follow through with the 180 even though a huge part of me is still desperate to save our marriage so we can be a family for our one year old who loves when we are together....

My challenge is to act like I don't give a crap where he went and be cheerful instead of mean or depressed


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
Hasn't moved out yet
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 930 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
CallMeRed1
♀ Member
Member # 36870
Default  Posted: 4:34 AM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I realised yesterday I hadn't thought about my EXWH for over 24 hours. It was such an amazing feeling.

I then texted him to remind him about our daughter's show today as I KNEW he would have forgotten. I did it for her, not him. If he hadn't shown, I'd have got the moaning so it was kind of for my own sanity.

I sometimes wish I wasn't such a caring person because I still care about him as a fellow human being and wish him well etc. Which is made all the more difficult by having children and not being able to have 100% NC which would be what was happening in an ideal world.


D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 42
Status: Divorced

Posts: 181 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: England
NewMom0220
♀ Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone for sharing your 180 stories.

NC/180 really does help stabilize the roller coaster. I feel like I have a little more clarity and everything doesn't feel like an emotional emergency.

Today has been a good day. I feel good about myself and about the job I'm doing taking care of the baby, going back to work full time, and taking care of the dogs all on my own.

Today I'm focusing on the fact that even though many marriages have their challenges, one shouldn't have to try this hard.

I didn't betray my spouse, I was a good wife, lover, and friend to my spouse. I didn't deserve for him to betray me the way he did nor did I deserve the blame shifting and justification that followed.

I guess in my quest to DO NOTHING about this situation that I notice now more than ever that my WS isn't doing anything either...nor has he been...to fix this situation.

Sometimes I think he just wants to keep us at arms length so he can eventually drop the hammer down when it's a little more acceptable. If he officially left us before he would look like an Ahole (in his mind because he is already an Ahole for what he has done), but maybe if the baby is a little older he can act like he tried to make it work or maybe he isn't so bad.

Anyway..it doesn't matter. Doesn't matter what he thinks or what he does or doesn't do. Going to Yoga again tonight and he and I have our baby exchange again tonight. I'll try not to be so enthusiastic this time.

ETA: He is already an Ahole.

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 3:33 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)]


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 329 | Registered: Apr 2013
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good 180/NC today. Just choked up a bit in the early evening as usual, as this was when the WW would arrive home to our family in the good old days.

Just now she face-timed the kids and we caught each others' eyes for a moment on the screen. She choked up when she saw me but I held steady.

(Sad "yay me.")


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1571 | Registered: Dec 2012
whatamidoing
♀ Member
Member # 37152
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

good job all
I have not contacted my STBXWH for almost 5 days and I am proud
I think about him almost all day
I fill my time and act fine but I am now tied with my all time record of NC
I have never had more days than this where I didn't have to see and work with him
thanks


A friend can tell you things you don't want to tell yourself
_________________________________
BS Me 43
WH 42
DD June 2nd '12
LTA (2+ yrs)
False R Many times from July '12 till now forced D
OW: acting like she is the wife

Posts: 180 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Guelph
careerlady
♀ Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 2:11 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What are you supposed to do in 180 in response to affection and kindness. I know to play it cool when he's having his bursts of anger though I want to tell back but when he tries to cop a feel or bring me lunch? I feel I did well today was terse with texts etc. He offered to bring me lunch and I declined.


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
Hasn't moved out yet
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 930 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
NewMom0220
♀ Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

careerlady,

This is a good question. How do you respond to positive attention while 180ing. Invitations to do things as a family? This is dangerous territory. I'm trying to stick to my guns and follow the 180...and it really helps...but I feel guilty if I'm too closed off because I keep thinking will my WS see it as rejection.

I think in the past I've been advised to "close the bakery" so that my WS can't cake eat. I don't think he is in contact with his AP anymore (we don't live together anymore so I don't know for sure). But I wonder sometimes if I'm increasing the divide between us when we should be spending time together as a family. Maybe I need some 2x4's.


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 329 | Registered: Apr 2013
FieldsOfLavender
♀ Member
Member # 39154
Default  Posted: 1:27 AM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All of this makes me very sad and cry, with a painful knot in my throat. I just returned from a week away with my dd7. STBX picked us up at the airport. I kept minimal contact during vacation except when he wanted to communicate with DD.

I did not cry during vacation. Before I left, I awoke every morning finding it very hard to breathe - maybe it was a panic attack. During vacation, it never happened. Only my parents know that I am separated. It was a nice break to be around people who care for me - parents, cousins, aunt, sibling and family. What makes it worse it that DD wanted to spend the night at her father's place tonight after spending every day with me for the past 7 days. I feel alone and lonely.

Now that I am back, I begin sobbing. I was hoping that STBX would see what a mistake he made and would come back to dd and me.


Posts: 186 | Registered: May 2013 | From: East Coast, USA
FieldsOfLavender
♀ Member
Member # 39154
Default  Posted: 1:30 AM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

During vacation, DD asked if we could see a movie together with her dad "as a family". It breaks my heart that she so much wants her family back together.

Posts: 186 | Registered: May 2013 | From: East Coast, USA
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

During vacation, DD asked if we could see a movie together with her dad "as a family". It breaks my heart that she so much wants her family back together.

So sorry. I'm in the same situation. My son keeps lamenting that "we should do things as a family," "I just want our family together," etc. After I do my best to reassure him that everything will be OK--different versions of this--I have to go in the other room to cry.

It infuriates me that STBXWW has done this to him. My poor son. (Six year old daughter seems fine, thank god.)


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1571 | Registered: Dec 2012
whatamidoing
♀ Member
Member # 37152
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

10 days, double my last record of NC and it is still hard I want to talk some sense into him I want to yell and insult him I want to say how dare you I want him to help repair this mess he made,
How can he just leave it this way how can he not wake up how can he just let our family disappear how can he want the OW
I made a list a few nights ago about what I would want in a partner and the WH is none of them any more (not for years) but I hope he will return cause he is my kids father
I know if he has been this person for years the person I thought he was is never coming back
I hate driving myself
I hate going out myself
I hate this life
I am doing it
I have been doing it and selling the merits for over a year but I don't want this
I want to be curled up on the couch with my husband and kids and making plans for the cottage and being a family
NC works I have no new hurts just the old ones not leaving
This site is full of people who are so good and strong
Maybe I should have been born in the 40's maybe I don't think anyone will ever love me
Sorry off topic
I am still on the NC wagon
Thanks


A friend can tell you things you don't want to tell yourself
_________________________________
BS Me 43
WH 42
DD June 2nd '12
LTA (2+ yrs)
False R Many times from July '12 till now forced D
OW: acting like she is the wife

Posts: 180 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Guelph
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Flawless 180 N/C yesterday: WW called kids to say goodnight. She could have called my son's phone but called mine. I did not pick up and just passed it to my kids.

Afterward she sent a few texts asking about the kids and our dog--pointless ones.

I did not respond.

Tomorrow I file. I am sure the "nice" texts will dry up pretty quick once she is served.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1571 | Registered: Dec 2012
NewMom0220
♀ Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi All,

You are doing really well with your 180ing. It's hard to do, so celebrate the days you do it well.

This weekend wasn't that hard, but I definitely could have done better. I seriously considered doing something with my WS and the baby on Saturday, you know, to act like we are the family that we are not during the week. I came on to SI and asked for some 2x4s and ended up not going. Sunday I had a weak moment in the morning and asked him to do something with me...just me....he had to work. Thank God!

I'm doing the best I can. I think a couple of us have said this, NC=No New Hurts but we still have the same old hurts.

Some days I think...ok, I'll put up with the blame shifting and justification if he just came back home. But he isn't trying to come back home at all. We are just coparenting and that is it. I miss him but I don't really know why I miss him. I just wish he would want to be with us...and I know that what I and the baby represent is chained down married life. But it still hurts and I still take it personally. He has said in the past that I made him so miserable he had to go out and have his A. Obviously that is BS. But it still hurts that he thinks he would be a good husband to someone else...that it's me that is the problem. Why do I still have feelings for someone like this? Why couldn't I get one of those remorseful WS's?


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 329 | Registered: Apr 2013
NewMom0220
♀ Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last night was hard, but I did it! WS brought the baby home and did a few things around the house while I gave the baby his bath. We were nice and cordial to each other. 180 is helping so much. I had an eye infection this week and he was texting me about it...asking how I'm doing...etc. I just respond with short answers..."much better, thank you."

Then he dropped a bomb on me...and I could tell he felt awful about it. He has to go back to OW's town for work...which is how his A started. I felt like the rug was pulled from underneath me, but I didn't let it show. I'll probably post about this in another thread because I really need support. I went against all of my instincts (that have usually gotten me no where) and just said, "oh, that sucks." I didn't ask if he was going to see her, if he was talking to her, what his plans were. I was calm...he repeated that he would rather be here with DS and he was coming toward me like he was going to hug me and I just stayed seated.

I'm really going to have to plan ahead in the next few days on how I'm going to get through this weekend. This isn't the first time he has gone back....but considering where we are now (remaining civil and friendly, but not trying to mend the relationship) this makes me nervous...understandably so.

Anyway...if you are reading this and you are doing your 180...please post your progress. I want to hear how you are doing. I know it's hard. Hang in there folks. It does get easier. Just a few weeks ago I would have reacted by rattling off a barrage of text messages once he left the house. I didn't. 180 helps.

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 9:38 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)]


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 329 | Registered: Apr 2013
whatamidoing
♀ Member
Member # 37152
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I blew it on day 12!
I wanted to say one sentence about our son and it sounded like he cared and I pushed to see if he liked having no contact and if this is the way he wanted life to be with nothing between us and he said yes
Why am I so stupid!
If he cared he would have apologized and try to fix his broken family and he would try to talk to me and he didn't
It's still me saying please love me and make my family whole to him who can't do one thing cause he Has ILYBNIL issues
I guess I am not what he wanted and I just have to get my head out of my ass and figure out a way to be happy without who I thought he was
Back to day one !
Sorry


A friend can tell you things you don't want to tell yourself
_________________________________
BS Me 43
WH 42
DD June 2nd '12
LTA (2+ yrs)
False R Many times from July '12 till now forced D
OW: acting like she is the wife

Posts: 180 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Guelph
NewMom0220
♀ Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, July 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to post about the wonders of the 180 when you do it right. I had tried to successfully 180 for a long time. I'm a week shy of 5 months past DDay. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I also had a big hurdle this week and I made it past. I guess my ultimate goal was/is to detach. I'm pretty sure I'm headed for D, but I couldn't pull the trigger so fast without getting myself on emotionally stable ground.

So here is what happened:

Tuesday night my WS dropped off the baby and informed me that he had to go to OW's town for work where he would go for work once a month through the final trimester of my pregnancy (they were also at it through constant phone calls/texts when they were apart). He is flying in and driving with a coworker to another location 4 hours away. He stated that he really didn't want to go and that he would rather be here with DS (not me and DS, just DS). I said, "Ok."

Here are the things I didn't do:
-I didn't ask him if he was still in contact with OW
-I didn't ask him if he planned on seeing OW
-I did not get emotional in front of him
-I did not text him after he left asking him where we stand, what his plans are, when he is departing, returning..etc.

I saw him again on Wed night and Thu night and again only talked about the baby.

The 180 is working because this isn't the first time he has had to go back since DDay. He had to go back 4 subsequent times after DDay and he confessed to seeing OW again to "break it off" on his first trip back after DDay. He claims on the other trips he didn't see her again, but I'm not holding on to that because obviously this person has been known to lie and he even lied before and after that trip and stated that he didn't see her. He confessed to seeing her one last time in MC.

Anyway, long story short...180 is helping. I might have a false sense of strength right at this moment, but if I fall apart, he will never know about it.

I'm also back on my AntiDepressants...making weekend plans with friends...and enjoying my quality time with my bouncing baby boy.

How are you doing with your 180?


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 329 | Registered: Apr 2013
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 11:58 PM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good job 180 riders!!

Mantras... A long long time ago I posted a thread about a mantra I had running in my head to the tune of La Cucaracha. Language warning!!

I fucking hate you. I fucking hate you. Why don't you pay your child support?

Anyway. There were several other versions and were quite creative! I don't have access to that thread anymore, but the tune is a simple one. Just having the background noise and the focus kept me from responding to him.

As for the "I wish we could do things as a family." I explained to my boys that we were still a family. We weren't broken or missing anything, we were just different now from how we used to be. I have two boys and so I used a lot of 3 symbols such as the strength of the triangle and the importance of the Trinity. Find a way to make your new dynamic (whatever the number is) important and whole. Focus on the new traditions.

You can do this!!


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5567 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 12:33 AM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

today was good....

I pressure washed my driveway and porch and tried to think of how I was before I met XWH.


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 1948 | Registered: Jan 2012
freshstart78
♀ New Member
Member # 39556
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This past week and weekend my 180 was completely broken .......and it sucked. I was the fool once again to try toget him to see where my sudden change of working together tutu this divorce came from. He refuses and his exact comment to me was "the only thing I did wrong was have an affair"......yes he said that. I lost it and was once again trying too reason with stupid. Andi allowed him once again to make me feel likeeverything is my fault. I am done.....done trying to reason with a man who is sick in the head and has to make himself hate me to feel better about bring with OW because he knows its all he is worthy of at this point in his life.I am back on the180 and NC. I have to work on my self and that's all I can do. I struggle daily with my actions that led to affair and my craziness afteraffair. I need to work at letting go of my guilt and shame over my failed marriage and forgiving myself for a lot of things.....I have to find a job and take care of my kids.....I have to find me again........


Don't be afraid to start over. Its a new chance to rebuild what you want! D-day 8-05-2011. Me/BW-41. Him/WH-41.

Posts: 33 | Registered: Jun 2013
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