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User Topic: How did his family react?
Pringle
♀ New Member
Member # 39708
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So after finding out my fiance cheated a few months before wedding...then found him chatting inappropriately etc we decided to give it a chance. I found out yesterday he was still in contact with ow. So needless to say it is time to leave.
What hurt like a dagger was now that i snooped through his phone and found messages from his family which were supposedly there to support us through it all.
His sister said that i didn't feel like i was part of the family anyways after the a came to light!! and then to top it all of his mother sent an sms saying that he must leave me as I have a hidden agenda because i did everything opposite to what she advised me to do-ie get counseling and stop focusing on the ow.And then went on to say she wished she had never spent time with me. I am shattered, not only has my fiance broken my trust and betrayed me but now his family too. I feel absolutely alone and torn apart where I dont even know where to go or what to do.. How did your ws's families treat you? Has this just happened to me?


Me: BFiance 30
WFiance 33
DD 15.03.2013
In limbo

Posts: 24 | Registered: Jun 2013
Tripletrouble
♀ Member
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After 20 years as their DIL, my WH reports they flamed me. It was infuriating.


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller


Posts: 634 | Registered: May 2013
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unfortunately the BS often find that blood is thicker than water when it comes to the WS and their family. XWH#1's family all turned against me, except for my BIL. He still will not speak to his brother after 10yrs. My XMIL testified against me in the custody battle which his parents financed. Now she wants to be friends again as he also screwed them around.

WH#2's parents were mad at him at first, but quickly got over it and more or less quit calling me for a while. I now know where I stand with his family and know that if/when I D him, I will also be divorcing his family as well. From what I can tell very few WS's family stick by the BS so you are not alone. The WS always tells the story that it was the BS's fault they had the A in the first place and the family buys it hook, line, and sinker.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After over 30 years together and 25 years married, my ex's family dropped me (and our kids) like hot potatoes.

Granted, they were fairly worthless to begin with. Mr. Trac-Fone had spent years estranged from them and, at my urging when we had kids, we worked hard to change that.

But before d-day, they started playing the same sort of games with our oldest as they did with Mr. Trac-Fone when he was a teen (inappropriate controlling behaviors, then shunning her when, for example, she chose a ---great!---college that footed most of her tuition rather than Grandpa's alma mater, a good school, but favored ONLY because "it was good enough for me and three of my kids." Incidentally, the estrangement with my husband began when he chose a different college, too.)

My kids and I are barely making it. No one from his side of the family has ever inquired as to how we are doing. They have not ever sent birthday or holiday greetings. They have not ever shown any interest in their grandkids/niece/nephew/cousins.

All I got from his mother, when I told her we were separating (in response to a holiday party invitation) was the terribly backhanded, "I wish you both the happiness you deserve."

Mr. Trac-Fone has been invited to Thanksgivings and other gatherings. He has not gone; he despises his family. Sadly, our kids--my son in particular--would have enjoyed seeing his cousins.

I have come to conclude, though, that they are better off without these people.

Still, it hurts to learn that the granddaughter the same age as my son is getting the grand European tour while I am wondering how to pay the mortgage, never mind get him a birthday present.

It sucks.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8663 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Pringle
♀ New Member
Member # 39708
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know it shouldnt effect me but it makes me even more hurt.
I feel like such a fool, I guess blood is thicker than water but you would think that they would have some sort of feelings- i guess not. From tears this has turned to complete anger!
And to top it all off I just read the 180 and I did the complete opposite last night:( I need to pull myself together.

Me 30
WF 33
DD 15.03.2013 (Wedding was supposed to be in June)


Me: BFiance 30
WFiance 33
DD 15.03.2013
In limbo

Posts: 24 | Registered: Jun 2013
Pringle
♀ New Member
Member # 39708
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Solus sto- that makes me sick to my stomach how some people in this world can act as if their grandchildren do not exist, you are way better off without them.


Me: BFiance 30
WFiance 33
DD 15.03.2013
In limbo

Posts: 24 | Registered: Jun 2013
doesitgetbetter
♀ Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H and I were married for 9 years on DDay. We had 2 children whom adored their grandparents and vice versa. I was best friends with my MIL, we talked on the phone at least 2 to 3 times a day, emailed daily, we were really inseparable even when we lived out of state.

Dday changed, I didn't tell MIL about my H's cheating, he did. He needed a place to stay that night as I kicked him out. She called me to check on me and see if I was ok. From that day on, our contact slowed at an amazingly quick speed until it stopped altogether. She slowly stopped inviting us for dinner, she slowly stopped calling, she slowly stopped answering when I would call, she even stopped letting the kids come over for a visit with her. She used to talk only to me, and she started calling H's cell directly to avoid me. She even told H at one point that she didn't want to talk to any of us for a year. So we didn't.

I was better to her than any of her own children were. My H and I were the ones that would always go to her house and take care of things around the house as his parents were getting very up there in age. I loved her more than my own mother, and always have.

Today, after over 5 years of R, she still won't talk to me and work on our issues. I've tried to communicate with her and find out what happened, she refuses to deal with any of it. I have never talked bad about her son to her, I have only done my best to R with him, and she tossed me out into the cold.

Interestingly enough, both her and my FIL were both BS's in their former marriages as well, and they still treat me like this. I should also add that they have several children that are cheaters, as well as several children-in-laws that are cheaters as well, and they treat them ALL better than they've treated me since DDay. It's incredibly painful, I didn't do anything and I'm getting the shaft and so are my kids. I feel most sorry for them, they have no idea why grandma won't talk to them anymore.


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
Deanna
♀ Member
Member # 26854
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My MIL offered me a shoulder to cry on. She understood, so she said, because my FIL cheated on her. First time I called her for advice she shot me down. We didn't talk for months.
On the other hand my FIL was great.
I have forgiven her but I will never forget...


DDay - 11/4/09
BS-49 DDay
fWS-46 DDay
EA/PA with childhood sweetheart/ kissed
R - 11/25/09
Life is not a dress rehearsal

Posts: 1435 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Northeast
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 3:10 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS's sister who I finally confided in this past year was beyond pissed off at wa. She told me to kick his ass out and take him for whatever I could get. No she doesn't dislike her bro, she's a bs and is highly disappointed..she thought we were meant to be forever.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5020 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 5:23 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First of all, I'm sorry you're going through this. Thankfully they have all shown you who they are, one day you will know what a bullet was dodged. My advice to engaged couples is look at the ILs. In times of stress those FOO behaviors often come out in the spouse that we tell ourselves is NOTHING like the family.

I think MIL knew there was an issue just after MrH had gone to Iraq. She had called and was going on and ON about how MrH loved me. He bought me this big house (that we struggle to afford...that is too big for us...that I didn't want). He bought me this nice car, bigger than his (again, I didn't want...and my car needs to be bigger than his as I drive two kids in car seats and his is just for him commuting). See the values there? Love based on stuff. MrH bought the things he bought against my wishes because HE felt HE should have them. This all came from FOO. Thankfully his values are changing. It's only taken 20+ years together with me trying to reign him in and realize there's a difference between needs and wants.

Anyhow, back on topic. MIL kept gushing about how much he loved me. I blurted out, "If he loves me so much, how come he cheated on me...AGAIN?"

Her reaction was basically that as long as he came back to me and didn't leave me to be a single mom (like she was) he could do what he wanted. He may play around, but he did love me. Then she talked about how I needed to become a better Christian and sent me some TD Jakes book. This from a woman I had never known to set foot in church or crack a bible in the years I have known her.

Since then, she has gotten more competitive with me. Mommy issues...big ones....

For example, we went to a reunion and she actually went back into her room to put her hair up like mine and out hose on like I had on. She actually tried to find black hose like mine but didn't have any. She's 6'something Native American. I'm 5'3 Irish/Scots descent. It's crazy. She visited for a week a few years ago and constantly was vying for MrH's attention. Like I cared...I encouraged him to focus on her so I didn't have to be around her. She actually would walk into our room in the morning without knocking. On that visit, he finally saw what I had been seeing for years.

I don't know if subconsciously she saw the A as an indicator that her "rival" was weak or if I was just getting healthy enough to notice behaviors I had been blind to before.

Basically, never expect the WSs family to stick by you. Usually there's some sort of dysfunction in the family that helped create the issues that allowed the WS to cheat. Those issues show up eventually.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11185 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
vistainc
♀ Member
Member # 37688
Content  Posted: 7:34 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH hasn't told a soul in his family. Makes me very upset as they don't understand why I am not wanting to be around anyone at times.

His sister told him back when we first started dating that "he better watch out because she looks like the type of girl that will cheat on you. ".

Nice huh? It bothers me because I really want her to know that I didn't do it, but he did. How messed up am I?


Me BS 48
WH 53
4 Sons 26, 25, 23,18
D-Day 11/20/12

Posts: 153 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Western MA
gahurts
♂ Member
Member # 33699
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

xMIL and xFIL encouraged the A after they found out about it. They even send xWW e-mails that I intercepted on how she could provide sexual favors to me in an attempt to make it look like I had forgiven the A so that I could not charge adultery in court.


"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie


Posts: 3415 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
shatteredheart7
♀ Member
Member # 39734
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H's family will have nothing to do with me. NOTHING! If we see them in public, they will talk to him but act like I am not even there. If I say anything it doesn't get acknowledged. I am treated worse than a stranger. Like I do not even exist. My kids,that he has raised for 11 yrs and they use to treat like their grandkids because they were the only ones they were ever going to have, they have nothing to do with them either. They will not come to our house. I am not allowed at their house, they got mad one day because he needed to drop something off and I was with him. All I did was sit in the truck in their driveway and it pissed them off. They call his cell phone only. I was the one that gave them all the details. He had told his dad that he messed up and kind of hinted at the A. I sent them an email with ALL of the details. His Dad asked him if any of it was true and he said all of it was true. All that was said to H about it was "we are disappointed" but nothing changed. They have even said "this may take some time, maybe one day we will forgive her", don't know what they would be forgiving me for...as I did NOTHING!

After a year of trying to get them to come around I finally told H that I give up. He can go around them if he wants to, but I will never have anything to do with them. A couple weeks ago when a friend of theirs told my H to give them some time and they will eventually forgive me I blew up. I sent them my final email telling them that I have done nothing to be forgiven for. Any problems that we had in our marriage before were none of their business and since I am not the one that had an A I don't know what forgiveness I should be waiting on. However, while they are figuring it out and deciding if they can forgive me for their son stepping outside his marriage and going against God (they are VERY religious, or at least pretend to be) I will be happily going on with my life with their son. But when and if that time comes, maybe I won't be able to forgive them for the way they have treated me and my kids.

I don't need or want anyone in my life that doesn't need or want me in theirs. If they can not see the person I am, if they can not understand that it was their son and not I that broke our marriage vows and almost destroyed our marriage, then I don't want to be a part of that family anyway. H has tried talking to them, tried to get them to see that he was in the wrong not me, but nothing he says gets through to them. I have told him to give up. I really don't care anymore. I chose to not let them hurt me anymore.


Me~40
FWH~46
Married 8yrs
Together 11 1/2
Me~ 3 kids, 21,17,14
Him~no kids
A with a mutual "friend" for 2+yrs
He confessed 9/9/12
A was over 2/12
7/13~ Happier than we have been in yrs!

Posts: 240 | Registered: Jul 2013
Schilling
♀ Member
Member # 39774
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My partners family is supportive of me in their own way. They all know about his many years of cheating, they have talked to him about it, and told him to straighten up "she's the best thing to happen to you" blah blah blah.

When we separated for a while they each contacted me on their own with words of apology and support.

They try very hard to make me feel comfortable, but at family functions, I just feel like EVERYONE knows what is going on. It is a little awkward for me, but I appreciate their support either way.


I am 26(Bgf). He is 36 (Wbf).
On Again, Off Again - 10 years.
Not Married. No Kids.
D-Day: Too many to list/ remember.
Trying to Reconcile.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: San Francisco
Runninggirl
♀ Member
Member # 9973
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Holier than thou 'our family has never had a divorce' In laws told WH when it all went down-- "Well, given that 'RunningGirl' comes from a divorced family, we are not thrilled you acted out, but not surprised. 'RunningGirl' doesn't understand how to handle a successful marriage"

WTF are they talking about. First of all, I just turned 40. I am not a kid from a broken home. Your precious son cheated BECAUSE my parents are divorced. Hmmmm.......
Geez...
I'm the pitiful orphan from a "tragic" broken home here Where is my free pass????

So...just wanted to know you are not alone with inlaw insanity. Sooo Sorry you are dealing with this. No kinda fun AT ALL.


Shock has worn off. Now the 'fun' begins.
After several years of solid R, (F)MOW
CHECKS IN in to say Hi~ H CHECKS OUT briefly and "forgets to tell me" because IT HADN'T gotten
physical this time. 4 months out again same MOW

Posts: 2852 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: The Valley
Topic Posts: 15

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