Love is a Verb.
WH#2's parents were mad at him at first, but quickly got over it and more or less quit calling me for a while. I now know where I stand with his family and know that if/when I D him, I will also be divorcing his family as well. From what I can tell very few WS's family stick by the BS so you are not alone. The WS always tells the story that it was the BS's fault they had the A in the first place and the family buys it hook, line, and sinker.
Granted, they were fairly worthless to begin with. Mr. Trac-Fone had spent years estranged from them and, at my urging when we had kids, we worked hard to change that.
But before d-day, they started playing the same sort of games with our oldest as they did with Mr. Trac-Fone when he was a teen (inappropriate controlling behaviors, then shunning her when, for example, she chose a ---great!---college that footed most of her tuition rather than Grandpa's alma mater, a good school, but favored ONLY because "it was good enough for me and three of my kids." Incidentally, the estrangement with my husband began when he chose a different college, too.)
My kids and I are barely making it. No one from his side of the family has ever inquired as to how we are doing. They have not ever sent birthday or holiday greetings. They have not ever shown any interest in their grandkids/niece/nephew/cousins.
All I got from his mother, when I told her we were separating (in response to a holiday party invitation) was the terribly backhanded, "I wish you both the happiness you deserve."
Mr. Trac-Fone has been invited to Thanksgivings and other gatherings. He has not gone; he despises his family. Sadly, our kids--my son in particular--would have enjoyed seeing his cousins.
I have come to conclude, though, that they are better off without these people.
Still, it hurts to learn that the granddaughter the same age as my son is getting the grand European tour while I am wondering how to pay the mortgage, never mind get him a birthday present.
DD 15.03.2013 (Wedding was supposed to be in June)
Dday changed, I didn't tell MIL about my H's cheating, he did. He needed a place to stay that night as I kicked him out. She called me to check on me and see if I was ok. From that day on, our contact slowed at an amazingly quick speed until it stopped altogether. She slowly stopped inviting us for dinner, she slowly stopped calling, she slowly stopped answering when I would call, she even stopped letting the kids come over for a visit with her. She used to talk only to me, and she started calling H's cell directly to avoid me. She even told H at one point that she didn't want to talk to any of us for a year. So we didn't.
I was better to her than any of her own children were. My H and I were the ones that would always go to her house and take care of things around the house as his parents were getting very up there in age. I loved her more than my own mother, and always have.
Today, after over 5 years of R, she still won't talk to me and work on our issues. I've tried to communicate with her and find out what happened, she refuses to deal with any of it. I have never talked bad about her son to her, I have only done my best to R with him, and she tossed me out into the cold.
Interestingly enough, both her and my FIL were both BS's in their former marriages as well, and they still treat me like this. I should also add that they have several children that are cheaters, as well as several children-in-laws that are cheaters as well, and they treat them ALL better than they've treated me since DDay. It's incredibly painful, I didn't do anything and I'm getting the shaft and so are my kids. I feel most sorry for them, they have no idea why grandma won't talk to them anymore.
I think MIL knew there was an issue just after MrH had gone to Iraq. She had called and was going on and ON about how MrH loved me. He bought me this big house (that we struggle to afford...that is too big for us...that I didn't want). He bought me this nice car, bigger than his (again, I didn't want...and my car needs to be bigger than his as I drive two kids in car seats and his is just for him commuting). See the values there? Love based on stuff. MrH bought the things he bought against my wishes because HE felt HE should have them. This all came from FOO. Thankfully his values are changing. It's only taken 20+ years together with me trying to reign him in and realize there's a difference between needs and wants.
Anyhow, back on topic. MIL kept gushing about how much he loved me. I blurted out, "If he loves me so much, how come he cheated on me...AGAIN?"
Her reaction was basically that as long as he came back to me and didn't leave me to be a single mom (like she was) he could do what he wanted. He may play around, but he did love me. Then she talked about how I needed to become a better Christian and sent me some TD Jakes book. This from a woman I had never known to set foot in church or crack a bible in the years I have known her.
Since then, she has gotten more competitive with me. Mommy issues...big ones....
For example, we went to a reunion and she actually went back into her room to put her hair up like mine and out hose on like I had on. She actually tried to find black hose like mine but didn't have any. She's 6'something Native American. I'm 5'3 Irish/Scots descent. It's crazy. She visited for a week a few years ago and constantly was vying for MrH's attention. Like I cared...I encouraged him to focus on her so I didn't have to be around her. She actually would walk into our room in the morning without knocking. On that visit, he finally saw what I had been seeing for years.
I don't know if subconsciously she saw the A as an indicator that her "rival" was weak or if I was just getting healthy enough to notice behaviors I had been blind to before.
Basically, never expect the WSs family to stick by you. Usually there's some sort of dysfunction in the family that helped create the issues that allowed the WS to cheat. Those issues show up eventually.
❣Your soulmate is the person who helps grow your soul into a better being rather than tearing it down❣
His sister told him back when we first started dating that "he better watch out because she looks like the type of girl that will cheat on you. ".
Nice huh? It bothers me because I really want her to know that I didn't do it, but he did. How messed up am I?
- Mahatma Gandi
After a year of trying to get them to come around I finally told H that I give up. He can go around them if he wants to, but I will never have anything to do with them. A couple weeks ago when a friend of theirs told my H to give them some time and they will eventually forgive me I blew up. I sent them my final email telling them that I have done nothing to be forgiven for. Any problems that we had in our marriage before were none of their business and since I am not the one that had an A I don't know what forgiveness I should be waiting on. However, while they are figuring it out and deciding if they can forgive me for their son stepping outside his marriage and going against God (they are VERY religious, or at least pretend to be) I will be happily going on with my life with their son. But when and if that time comes, maybe I won't be able to forgive them for the way they have treated me and my kids.
I don't need or want anyone in my life that doesn't need or want me in theirs. If they can not see the person I am, if they can not understand that it was their son and not I that broke our marriage vows and almost destroyed our marriage, then I don't want to be a part of that family anyway. H has tried talking to them, tried to get them to see that he was in the wrong not me, but nothing he says gets through to them. I have told him to give up. I really don't care anymore. I chose to not let them hurt me anymore.
When we separated for a while they each contacted me on their own with words of apology and support.
They try very hard to make me feel comfortable, but at family functions, I just feel like EVERYONE knows what is going on. It is a little awkward for me, but I appreciate their support either way.
WTF are they talking about. First of all, I just turned 40. I am not a kid from a broken home. Your precious son cheated BECAUSE my parents are divorced. Hmmmm.......
I'm the pitiful orphan from a "tragic" broken home here Where is my free pass????
So...just wanted to know you are not alone with inlaw insanity. Sooo Sorry you are dealing with this. No kinda fun AT ALL.