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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Is it still too soon?
NoReGrets
♀ Member
Member # 37902
Question  Posted: 2:08 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not even sure exactly where to start as I'm generally an SI obsessive lurker, so I guess I'll just delve into what's going on and hope for some feedback. Any and all would be appreciated.

Recently I've finally allowed a potential suitor the opportunity to come into my life. As of now, we are friends, but he has made it very clear that he's interested. We live on opposite sides of the country, and he has taken the time to see me and spend time with me. No physical boundaries have been crossed, and I guess he sort of understands why I am so guarded with my emotions. He doesn't understand why, after almost a year, I'm still not completely over everything that has happened with my ex and why I am still so scarred with the previous circumstances. However, he has been patient and understanding; he has been a complete gentleman.

Now he wants me to go see him. I have put off on giving him an answer and confirming dates. I like the guy, but bottom line is, I'm scared. Terrified, actually.

I know that most any girl would swoon at meeting someone like this. He's good-looking, smart, funny, educated, career-oriented, and we have many common interests. Had I met him 5 years ago, I would have been done for. Now, I'm just guarded.

It makes me mad. It infuriates me that my ex has done this to me. Turned me into such a distrusting person, when even he claims one of my most endearing qualities was that I trusted everyone and gave everyone too many chances to prove his or her worth and integrity.

I now question why anyone would talk to me; question why anyone would be interested in me; question why I am worth being treated well. I question EVERYTHING! I doubt everything -- I suppose I doubt myself and my self-worth.

I know I am good to everyone around me. I know I'm smart and have a lot going for me. I know I'm attractive enough to snag someone, and I try to say that with as much humility as possible because I really am not stuck up at all. Or perhaps I am trying to tell myself that I am worth it and deserve to be treated with at least the most basic common decency and respect. Who knows...

I want to believe people are good. I want to believe people are not total shitbags. I want to trust again. Will this ever happen? Or am i just doomed to be a distrusting, pessimistic, bitter lady? I truly hope not, but...

Any advice? Thank you for your time.


Posts: 140 | Registered: Dec 2012
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bottom line is, I'm scared. Terrified, actually.

When you're no longer afraid, you'll be ready. Don't rush it.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13756 | Registered: Jul 2011
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When you're no longer afraid, you'll be ready. Don't rush it.

THIS.


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2722 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I question EVERYTHING! I doubt everything -- I suppose I doubt myself and my self-worth.

First you must trust *yourself*, and your judgment, and your ability to walk away from a bad thing and your ability to embrace a good thing (and a good man) ... Then you will trust others.

[This message edited by ladies_first at 2:33 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)]


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
NoReGrets
♀ Member
Member # 37902
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Quite frankly, I'm not in any hurry to be with anyone, as I am, for the most part, quite content being alone.

It just seems unfair to those who deserve to be trusted. People shouldn't have to be questioned or be suspected of having a hidden agenda, whether it be amongst friends or a SO.

When do these feelings of doubt and mistrust go away, if at all?


Posts: 140 | Registered: Dec 2012
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd say it probably is too soon. Don't know how long you were with your ex but I know that the 2-5 years rule applies generally across the board.

I was a hot mess for the first three years, and now it's been five years and I'm not interested in delving into anything or complicating my life.

I think what we've been through changes our DNA somehow. I know I'll probably be pretty wary for the rest of my life. There are just so many ways people can sneak around these days, I never want to be blindsided like that EVER again.

If New Guy thinks you should be 'over it' by now, he's obviously never walked in the infidelity shoes.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 5:30 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)]


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17413 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
NoReGrets
♀ Member
Member # 37902
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As always, you guys are right.

It just sucks because I'd hate to miss out on something that could potentially be great.

I suppose there are plenty of other fish in the sea (that I may never trust).


Posts: 140 | Registered: Dec 2012
missherlots
♂ Member
Member # 30591
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Nrgs,

You are feeling pain because your are still hunting inside, but it is normal for the kind of trauma you went through.

Give yourself time to heal and regroup. With time, you will trust and love again too.
Until that happens, be patient and loving with yourself.

If you really like this guy, talk to him and express your pain and feelings. He will understand that you are a raw gem and you need time to became a diamond.
If he does not wait and be patient after you have explain your feelings then he does not deserve you and your wonderful qualities.

Look who you are and realize the wonderful attributes you have within you by your own words.

"I know I am good to everyone around me. I know I'm smart and have a lot going for me. I know I'm attractive enough to snag someone, and I try to say that with as much humility as possible because I really am not stuck up at all. Or perhaps I am trying to tell myself that I am worth it and deserve to be treated with at least the most basic common decency and respect."


Your Self worth and self esteem will need just a bit of work and you should be like new.

in the meantime: live the moment. The past is gone, and the future no one know about it. So,

the time is NOW.

My two cents


Pain and suffering is part of life, but I choose to feel love and compassion for all people excluding no one.

Posts: 96 | Registered: Jan 2011
NoReGrets
♀ Member
Member # 37902
Question  Posted: 10:17 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does anyone still hang out in the JFO section? I find that is where I spend the majority of my time. Sometimes I have to just take breaks from it because it causes too many triggers. Is that an indication that I'm still far, far away from being "normal"?

I really don't know where else I can get some answers, and SI has been my faithful companion for almost a year now. I apologize for sounding dense and asking stupid questions.


Posts: 140 | Registered: Dec 2012
chikastuff
♀ Member
Member # 35288
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you're not ready then you're not ready and if he's really the man you think he is and if he really wants to be with you that badly then he'll wait patiently and won't pressure you.


Me- 32
Happily engaged and moving on

Posts: 382 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: New England
NoReGrets
♀ Member
Member # 37902
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all.

There is no pressure whatsoever, but he just doesn't understand. I guess he is one of those fortunate enough to never have experienced the infidelity ride.

As of right now, I think I am perfectly fine riding this bus that has been brought up in .


Posts: 140 | Registered: Dec 2012
NoReGrets
♀ Member
Member # 37902
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*brought up in one of the earlier forums in this section.

oops. Guess I forgot to finish the rest of my sentence.


Posts: 140 | Registered: Dec 2012
Topic Posts: 12

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