Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: feelostandlonely (45327)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: am i being petty?
sri624
♀ Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

so, this last week has been hard...i have really been expressing a lot of my anger to my h. he has really been taking it, as he should. fine. well, the other day, we got into a huge fight, a related. you know, me just being pissed. one of our issues in the past has been his family, which is toxic. he has alway run to them when we have fought...like a child..all the time...this was before we attempted to r.

so, after this huge fight, i look at phone records and see that he was texting his brother, the next morning..his brother hates me and is a jerk..last person he should be calling after a fight. so anyway, i ask my h about it, and he says that he didnt discuss our fight, but was talkng about them getting together to work out.

well, when i looked in his phone, i saw that the text messages were deleted. he said that he deleted them because he didnt want to upset me by seeing his brothers name in his phone so soon after a fight.

here is what i think. i dont like it. i dont like that he deleted anything...if it was about the gym, then fine....i would not care if i saw that...even after a fight. but the fact that he deleted the text makes me feel like he did "run to them" after our fights...and it just makes me feel like him deleting it was him hiding something from me.

you know?

should i talk to him about this? or, am i being petty?

what would you do?

dont let me rug sweep you guys...keep me straight.

[This message edited by sri624 at 1:11 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)]


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
R:Last chance

Posts: 975 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I definitely think you should call him on it.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37987 | Registered: Sep 2007
Tesa
♀ Member
Member # 10002
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

Deleting is NOT allowed. He can act like he's done it to save your feelings all he wants but I believe that he did it to protect himself.


Posts: 1060 | Registered: Mar 2006
wanttogoforward
♀ Member
Member # 29912
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My personal opinion is that he was discussing your M with his brother.... his boundaries are not good.... if his brother is not a friend of the M then it should never be talked about with him....
I know for a fact that years ago my H's family was not a friend to our M... NONE of them were to be trusted.... now he has little contact with most of them.... some of the most damaging has passed away, and one has no contact at all with us... the one who has come around and would support our M is alright and I occasionally have contact there... and that's fine as this person doesn't cause problems for us, and likely won't.....

Set the boundaries in place... NC with anyone who is not a friend of the M... except since this is family... then generic contact only....
No erasing those text messages anymore....
Set boundaries and trust but verify... if you are at that stage.


Posts: 1184 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still lost
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He deleted.

Wrong move.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8074 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
sri624
♀ Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks, you guys.....i am talking to him on the phone RIGHT now...and letting him know...a hard check. he is saying that it was a mistake to do that. he is trying to reassure me that he was not talking about our m to his toxic family. fine. but i just told him that deleting anything is non acceptable to me - AT ALL.


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
R:Last chance

Posts: 975 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When you talk, it would be great if you stayed calm and just asked him to make some behavioral changes: 1) no deleting anything - his electronic life will become a completely open book, and 2) no more discussing you and/or your M with his family.

The purpose of the first change is to increase honesty between you, and honesty is critical to A. Also, I expect being honest will help him in staying sober.

The 2nd change is to protect you from their toxins and to build boundaries for him. M means cleaving to each other and leaving your FOO. It's past time for him to do that. This, too, will probably help him stay sober.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10345 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
sri624
♀ Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

well...it turned into a huge argument..with him swearing that he was not talking about our m to his brother. then why delete the texts is what i ask. he says that his brother was bad mouthing women and his girlfriend and he didnt want me to see that.

i am not buying it. see, before i would have fallen for that kind of an excuse but not this time.

i think he was upset that we have been fighting and called his brother...and he doesnt want me to know that he is doing what he has done all along...run to his family about our problems. so, he deleted the texts so that i couldnt see. i think it is plain as that.

now, this fight has escalated to world war 3...him saying he is leaving...me telling him he can go...blah, blah, blah...

i told him not to let the door hit him in the ass. i will be fine.

i am not going to tolerate these "games."

now we are in a huge fight. and for a little while...i worried that he might take a drink, go call up his former mistress....hang with his old friends...you know, do something stupid....but i cant control that. i cant "make" him not do anything.

i can only control me. and i will not stand for deleted texts. no way.


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
R:Last chance

Posts: 975 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are not being petty. It doesn't matter if they were talking about you, working out, or the latest episode of The Walking Dead, he's a recovering wayward and doesn't get the benefit of the doubt anymore. Not for a long time at least. He doesn't need to be deleting anything. Period.


Me (BS)-45, WW-43
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1450 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
RidingHealingRd
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I tend to agree with you, he was running to his brother.

His damn story changes...first he is making gym plan...next he is witnessing his brother dogging out women. I call bullshit and would never stand by and allow him to believe that he successfully pulled the wool over my eyes. Never!

Even if you are wrong, he should not get angry, he should reassure you and let you know that he understands why you doubt him.

i can only control me. and i will not stand for deleted texts. no way.

Good for you.


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2122 | Registered: Nov 2011
sri624
♀ Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks guys....i really appreciate you guys keeping me from rug sweeping, accepting blame, or any BS.

yes, he is angry...pissed that for 7 days straight i have been on him...well, so what. he has been good for 8 months...but i have been dealing with his lies for the last few YEARS. it is going to take a minute to get through this.

so, i am not "sorry" that i have been hard on him. no way.

and for him to "walk out" and be gone all day only brings all of my insecurities to the surface. my boundary is that if leaves this house, overnight...and decides to bail on me...then he cant come back. i will stick to my boundaries.

no, he was not reassuring me...it just seemed like all lies to me. and he is upset because he got caught doing something wrong....deleting texts.

if it looks like a duck...walks like a duck, quacks like a duck...then it is a duck.

but to all of my friends here...i am being strong...but it does hurt. you know? but i will not let him see that...no way.


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
R:Last chance

Posts: 975 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
Blobette
♀ Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Be strong! You're doing the right thing. If I remember your story correctly, the brother is NOT a friend of the marriage. ((((Sri))))


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1061 | Registered: Aug 2012
sri624
♀ Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

update....we have a long talk. i explain to him that deleting texts messages is not acceptable at all. he agreed. he still will not admit that he was discussing our m with his brother. he swears he wasnt. i do not believe him. he provided a million reasons why he would not do that anymore...you know....go run to his family to tell our business.
we left off with it being understood that there is no deleting anything....regardless of what is written.

he also told me that his family is out of our lives... we decided that we are going to take the next year to see if we can work all of this out. we both agreed that we dont need any involvement from his family for anything as we attempt to r.

i am worn out. i have been going hard on him everyday the last week...and i am tired. and you know what? i got a lot of the pain out...but it still hurts, you know? and this little episode today didnt help.

i can clearly see that R is a long process....it really is a long, difficult road ATTEMPTING to r....

everyone...thank you so much for keeping me straight...and helping me stay strong in making decisions with my head/gut and not heart.

[This message edited by sri624 at 12:13 AM, July 11th (Thursday)]


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
R:Last chance

Posts: 975 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
sinsof thefather
♀ Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 3:32 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((sri24))))

I know it might not feel like it, but I think you made big strides forward in your R today. I think whether your husband actually spoke about your marriage to his brother or not, (and it's 'likely' that he did - but unprovable either way now) he still ran to him when he had a problem with your marriage. Regardless of whether he told him the actual reason why, he still fell into an old pattern here. His first explanation (at least) was a lie (even if it was only by omission of what his brother was 'really' talking about), his second explanation 'could' be truth, but personally, I think you're right to doubt that is the 'whole' of it too.

But the point is, you did notlet him get away with it. It escalated, but still you didn't back down, and as a result, imo, you have made a genuine stride forward in your R. Even though it hurt to do it.


Your husband absolutely knows now, in a way he didn't before, that these are two absolutely non-negotiable boundaries for you. Not deleting anything, no matter what it is, and not running to his family, especially his brother about your marriage troubles. If he wants R he has to abide by it and I think the agreement you reached tonight has been reached with a new clarity on both of your sides.


You did GOOD sri. (((hugs)))


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1880 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
sri624
♀ Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks for posts. i do think that we made some strides in r regarding deleting messages, and him running to his family. at a minimum, i think he clearly knows that doing either one of those those things are poison to r, and will creating major issues if he does that.

the day before this happened, he bought a mini van..and it was a big deal..all of us going for a ride in the new car...fun night with the baby...everything good. kind of a light night compared to me going hard on him for the last week.

the "old doormat sri" would have not addressed the deleted text. i would have rug swept, and made myslef believe that "everything was good, dont rock the boat."

i know now that it is crap to do that. if the whole day is ruined, then so be it. i am going to address the pink elephant in the room...no matter what.


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
R:Last chance

Posts: 975 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
Topic Posts: 15

Return to Forum: Reconciliation Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.