so, after this huge fight, i look at phone records and see that he was texting his brother, the next morning..his brother hates me and is a jerk..last person he should be calling after a fight. so anyway, i ask my h about it, and he says that he didnt discuss our fight, but was talkng about them getting together to work out.
well, when i looked in his phone, i saw that the text messages were deleted. he said that he deleted them because he didnt want to upset me by seeing his brothers name in his phone so soon after a fight.
here is what i think. i dont like it. i dont like that he deleted anything...if it was about the gym, then fine....i would not care if i saw that...even after a fight. but the fact that he deleted the text makes me feel like he did "run to them" after our fights...and it just makes me feel like him deleting it was him hiding something from me.
should i talk to him about this? or, am i being petty?
what would you do?
dont let me rug sweep you guys...keep me straight.
[This message edited by sri624 at 1:11 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)]
"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."
Deleting is NOT allowed. He can act like he's done it to save your feelings all he wants but I believe that he did it to protect himself.
Set the boundaries in place... NC with anyone who is not a friend of the M... except since this is family... then generic contact only....
No erasing those text messages anymore....
Set boundaries and trust but verify... if you are at that stage.
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
The purpose of the first change is to increase honesty between you, and honesty is critical to A. Also, I expect being honest will help him in staying sober.
The 2nd change is to protect you from their toxins and to build boundaries for him. M means cleaving to each other and leaving your FOO. It's past time for him to do that. This, too, will probably help him stay sober.
i am not buying it. see, before i would have fallen for that kind of an excuse but not this time.
i think he was upset that we have been fighting and called his brother...and he doesnt want me to know that he is doing what he has done all along...run to his family about our problems. so, he deleted the texts so that i couldnt see. i think it is plain as that.
now, this fight has escalated to world war 3...him saying he is leaving...me telling him he can go...blah, blah, blah...
i told him not to let the door hit him in the ass. i will be fine.
i am not going to tolerate these "games."
now we are in a huge fight. and for a little while...i worried that he might take a drink, go call up his former mistress....hang with his old friends...you know, do something stupid....but i cant control that. i cant "make" him not do anything.
i can only control me. and i will not stand for deleted texts. no way.
His damn story changes...first he is making gym plan...next he is witnessing his brother dogging out women. I call bullshit and would never stand by and allow him to believe that he successfully pulled the wool over my eyes. Never!
Even if you are wrong, he should not get angry, he should reassure you and let you know that he understands why you doubt him.
Good for you.
The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.
yes, he is angry...pissed that for 7 days straight i have been on him...well, so what. he has been good for 8 months...but i have been dealing with his lies for the last few YEARS. it is going to take a minute to get through this.
so, i am not "sorry" that i have been hard on him. no way.
and for him to "walk out" and be gone all day only brings all of my insecurities to the surface. my boundary is that if leaves this house, overnight...and decides to bail on me...then he cant come back. i will stick to my boundaries.
no, he was not reassuring me...it just seemed like all lies to me. and he is upset because he got caught doing something wrong....deleting texts.
if it looks like a duck...walks like a duck, quacks like a duck...then it is a duck.
but to all of my friends here...i am being strong...but it does hurt. you know? but i will not let him see that...no way.
he also told me that his family is out of our lives... we decided that we are going to take the next year to see if we can work all of this out. we both agreed that we dont need any involvement from his family for anything as we attempt to r.
i am worn out. i have been going hard on him everyday the last week...and i am tired. and you know what? i got a lot of the pain out...but it still hurts, you know? and this little episode today didnt help.
i can clearly see that R is a long process....it really is a long, difficult road ATTEMPTING to r....
everyone...thank you so much for keeping me straight...and helping me stay strong in making decisions with my head/gut and not heart.
[This message edited by sri624 at 12:13 AM, July 11th (Thursday)]
I know it might not feel like it, but I think you made big strides forward in your R today. I think whether your husband actually spoke about your marriage to his brother or not, (and it's 'likely' that he did - but unprovable either way now) he still ran to him when he had a problem with your marriage. Regardless of whether he told him the actual reason why, he still fell into an old pattern here. His first explanation (at least) was a lie (even if it was only by omission of what his brother was 'really' talking about), his second explanation 'could' be truth, but personally, I think you're right to doubt that is the 'whole' of it too.
But the point is, you did notlet him get away with it. It escalated, but still you didn't back down, and as a result, imo, you have made a genuine stride forward in your R. Even though it hurt to do it.
Your husband absolutely knows now, in a way he didn't before, that these are two absolutely non-negotiable boundaries for you. Not deleting anything, no matter what it is, and not running to his family, especially his brother about your marriage troubles. If he wants R he has to abide by it and I think the agreement you reached tonight has been reached with a new clarity on both of your sides.
You did GOOD sri. (((hugs)))
the day before this happened, he bought a mini van..and it was a big deal..all of us going for a ride in the new car...fun night with the baby...everything good. kind of a light night compared to me going hard on him for the last week.
the "old doormat sri" would have not addressed the deleted text. i would have rug swept, and made myslef believe that "everything was good, dont rock the boat."
i know now that it is crap to do that. if the whole day is ruined, then so be it. i am going to address the pink elephant in the room...no matter what.