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Newest Member: LoveBetrayed (45355)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Tormented by thoughts
olwen
♀ Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 4:48 AM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh! I have had enough of this and it's only been 3 1/2 weeks since I found out the full truth. How am I going to go on for years with these thoughts in my head?

In the daytime when he is not here my thoughts are bad, when he is here and reassuring me it gets a little better but at night it hits full whammy.

Images of all they did as if I am stood next to them watching and screaming 'no, don't do it!' Did he have a smile on his face, did he enjoy it, why couldn't he have stopped it, why wasn't I enough - you get the gist. I am sure you're all familiar with these thoughts.

How do I live with them? I can't afford counselling


Together 19yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr2013 pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 804 | Registered: Jul 2013
ok4now
♀ Member
Member # 35896
Default  Posted: 5:09 AM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I had some wise words for you but I don't.

It was 2 yrs in June since I uncovered my WH's EA.

What helped me is I had a ton of anger I needed to get out in a physical way. I purchased a heavy weight punching bag that I hung in my garage. I would beat the living crap out of it and it seemed to help a little.

Another thing I do is when the mind movies start I envision a stop sign and try to think of a great time with my family like vacation at the beach.

Since it has only been 3 1/2 weeks everything is so fresh it probably will be awhile.

My hardest time was at night when WH was sleeping like a baby while I would lie awake with all of my thoughts.

((((olwen))))

[This message edited by ok4now at 5:10 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)]


BS - 39 (me)
WS - 33
DD - 6
D Day - 6/2/11 EA (would have been a PA if the OW was game)
"I'm not going to be the person I am expected to be anymore"
Blue de Chanel Commercial

Posts: 121 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Maryland
Betrayed07
♀ New Member
Member # 39650
Default  Posted: 6:01 AM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The same thing happens to me and I am about 3 weeks out, too. H is doing everything right, yet my mind goes there. I ask myself the same questions (how did it happen? did he think of me? ,etc) then I ask myself, do I really want to know these answers? They are not going to make me feel any better. I will either feel the same or worse. Going to try the stop sign idea. Nightime is worst. I stay up late watching tv, hoping I'll just fall asleep so I don't think.

Posts: 41 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, boy. I'm going to say what I hated to read in the early days after D-Day.

The horrible feelings are overwhelming at the start; they get worse for a couple of months (and often more), and eventually they subside.

Feel the feelings as they come (as long as you can do that safely - caring for kids, business meetings, driving aren't good times to give feelings free rein), and just have faith that you will feel better over time.

Whether you end up choosing R or D, healing just takes time, a lot more time than you'll think it should take, but it does happen.

Oh - the rule of thumb her is 2-5 years to recover. That's a good ROT. Just remember - your feelings will shift over time. Good feelings will come back.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10374 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Olwen,

Sisoon is right - it takes time, and how long it takes is different for every individual. I'm about 20 months out, and still have bad mind movies all day that get worse at night and nightmares. I cried for 14 straight months until I was put on an anti-depressant. I'm also being treated for PTSD. But that's just my story and there is no guarantee that it will be yours, the same would be true if I said I was over it in 6 months. The 2-5 year rule also doesn't start until the last hurt - that is why trickle truth (more lies) is so damaging, it resets that clock and undoes a lot of the healing. I got trickle truth for almost a year.

If you can't afford counseling, what ok4now said is good advice: exercise. Process the mind movies (a technique called exposure therapy) and eventually they will dull - there is only so much pain from seeing the same thing over and over that your mind can take, and then it starts to get numb to it. This technique is used on a lot of combat vets. Practice self care - do things that you enjoy. Meditate. Vent here on SI - we won't get tired of it. Honest .

Hopefully there are no more new hurts for you, and the process of healing has begun. There just aren't any shortcuts. There is a lady on here (PainPainGoAway) who has some techniques involving amphibian sex that is supposed to help ladies with mind movies, but I haven't seen it because apparently it makes things worse for men. Send her a PM and ask her for it.

Good luck.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 4003 | Registered: Dec 2011
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Meditation. The act and reading about it. Teach yourself about how your brain works. It will be surprising how little you know!

Act with Love
The Full Catastrophe of Life
Mindfulness for Beginners

Learn how thought are just that thoughts. They can be repeated over and over, but guess what? After you have repeated them a few times you need to learn how to let them go. The books above and practice can give you methods.

How do I live with them?

Time does help, but what you do with that time is more important than the time itself.

take care...



Posts: 1428 | Registered: Jan 2012
olwen
♀ Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone,

Unfortunately as a bipolar sufferer I have even more trouble dealing with matters of the mind

I did look at the frog vid though and it actually helped! Hubby swore sex stopped after seconds and he said no he couldn't so I am now imagining that frog getting thrown away lol.

I guess I just need time and to feel the emotions without letting them take over. It's good to know obsessing at this stage is normal.

I suppose in some ways the bipolar may help as I am well medicated right now and I have been to the bottom and dragged myself out of it more times than I can count.

What does worry me is with all this going on I haven't grieved properly for my dad who was found dead at home right in the middle of this.

I think the next few months are going to be roller coaster as I get hit by my mental health issues, grief for my dad and dealing with what WH has done to us.

It helps he is being 100% there for me. According to what I have read he is doing everything spot on.

I know I will get through this but I wish I could press the fast forward button and get to the point where it hurts less. THis will sound self pitying but I have had so much drama and hurt in my life I just want it all to calm down and go away


Together 19yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr2013 pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 804 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 7

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