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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I think I am at the end of this rope :(
HappilyUnMarried
♀ Member
Member # 21299
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Having lived with one, he sounds very much like an alcoholic. Trust me, that is NOT the life you want for yourself.

I do wonder. When he socializes, he drinks. Therefore, he drinks a lot. I am not sure that I would call him an "alcoholic"... but when he drinks it certainly brings out his "party" personality. Maybe he is. Luckily, I will not have to find out.

I sense a deep undertone here of your own remorse that you saw this and hung on anyway for awhile. Know there is no shame in that. Sometimes we want people to be who we'd like them to be, not be who they really are under all the layers.

Thanks for this; it is so true. I feel remorse for so many things. I was having such a good time and didn't want it to end. I let it go on too long, even though my gut told me something was wrong. I really do think I loved him... I loved being with him... he made me feel special (beautiful, smart, funny) when we were together... he was great to my kids... and, mostly, he really cared for me, there is no doubt in my mind. I never had a guy like that before. So different from my ex. But I have known for a while that I couldn't live his kind of lifestyle forever. Subsequently, I let it go on and really, really hurt him. And we all know what it is like to be hurt.

But I have not wavered.

[This message edited by HappilyUnMarried at 10:16 AM, July 11th (Thursday)]


True happiness comes from within, not from someone else.† Donít make the mistake of waiting on someone or something to come along and make you happy

Posts: 1291 | Registered: Oct 2008
WhiteWolfWinning
♀ Member
Member # 12475
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HUM,
You have certainly been through the wringer with having witnessed a terrible accident and then dealing with this breakkup.

You absolutely did the right thing. I could have written most of AJ's post. One big difference, though, is that I am an extrovert and my X is an introvert. However, when he drinks (which is most of the time), he morphs into an extrovert. He's not obnoxious (usually), but he always had to be the last to leave any party. He h as only female friends and, many times, left me (once immediately after surgery) to tend to one of their crises ... usually in a bar.

You say that you hurt him. You didn't. He is hurt, yes. But you didn't just randomly dump him. You let him know what you needed. And he let you know ... right back ... that his wants came first.

Be kind to yourself right now.

Wolf


Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply, Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God

Thank you, Lord, for the lightness of my burdens


Posts: 8233 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: midwest
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You say that you hurt him. You didn't. He is hurt, yes. But you didn't just randomly dump him. You let him know what you needed. And he let you know ... right back ... that his wants came first.
He could have made some changes in order to be with you but he didn't. I wouldn't feel bad about hurting him. Anyway, he can go party with his friends and drink it away.....Your concern should be for yourself.

I hurt XSO when I broke up with him also. But, he had the choice to make some changes, and he chose not to. He also drank me away (or tried to, I still receive a drunken text every once in a while....)

XSO cared for me also, and he did love me. But in a more selfish way as opposed to the type of love that will move heaven and earth. You don't need to feel remorse. You made the best choice for yourself and that is healthy. There isn't anything wrong with staying with him for as long as you did also. You loved him and were having fun. He treated you well when he was around. But he doesn't meet your needs for the long run. You could have hung on longer and stayed for the fun and out of fear of not having anyone, but you didn't. You are doing the right thing. YOu deserve to be the priority in someone's life. It makes a HUGE HUGE difference!


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15106 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
HappilyUnMarried
♀ Member
Member # 21299
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, AJSMOM, WWW, Naive --

Sounds like these guys are the same kind of men. I guess I have dodged a bullet.

XSO (still hurts to type that!) has sent a few texts, but hasn't actively tried to see me or talk me out of it which is good since I don't yet trust myself not to break down.

I sent him an email yesterday summarizing the reason for the break-up because I don't want him to get it wrong; sometimes he is very thick. I want him to be sure he knows the real reason I broke it off with him for his inevitable "poor me" discussions with his many friends. I don't want him to just blame it on "craziness" or "hormones" or "another man".

He responded that he liked my exit note and wanted to respond in detail (he is a lawyer, they like to do that)... but I said no. Ah, so hard. I want so much to be held right now

[This message edited by HappilyUnMarried at 5:38 PM, July 11th (Thursday)]


True happiness comes from within, not from someone else.† Donít make the mistake of waiting on someone or something to come along and make you happy

Posts: 1291 | Registered: Oct 2008
miadianna
♀ Member
Member # 10516
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((HappilyUnMarried))) I'm so sorry, I know how much you cared about him. I have bad experiences with the drinking and socializing relationships and it doesn't get better. It's just who he is. Is this the same man who you met in Vegas with your daughter for a short vacation? I seem to remember that, unless I'm confusing you with someone else.


Me: BS 53
Son: 27 years old
Daughter: 25 years old
D-day(s) 9/23/94 - 1/31/05
Divorced 4/10/08

Posts: 7456 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Illinois
Mousse242
♀ Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I kind of see some serious red flags here. The gambling and drinking are two bright red ones.

He doesn't sound like he's ready to be in a relationship though.


Posts: 5473 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
HappilyUnMarried
♀ Member
Member # 21299
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is this the same man who you met in Vegas with your daughter for a short vacation? I seem to remember that, unless I'm confusing you with someone else.

Yep, that's the one! Originally named "VegasGuy"

I kind of see some serious red flags here. The gambling and drinking are two bright red ones
.

He loves to gamble, I can take or leave it. Yes, a definite red flag. Damn, dating him was like being at the United Nations with all those flags!!! But I liked being with him so much, I rationalized those flags away.

[This message edited by HappilyUnMarried at 7:15 AM, July 12th (Friday)]


True happiness comes from within, not from someone else.† Donít make the mistake of waiting on someone or something to come along and make you happy

Posts: 1291 | Registered: Oct 2008
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Didn't he also hang up on you one time when you were talking on the phone?

I remember because that is one of my dealbreakers. If anyone ever does that to me, they're gone. So P/A and I think it reveals a major character flaw.

I'm glad you're rid of this guy. On to someone better!


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3267 | Registered: Dec 2011
HappilyUnMarried
♀ Member
Member # 21299
Default  Posted: 7:21 AM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Didn't he also hang up on you one time when you were talking on the phone?

No, he never did. He never got angry. I never saw him really mad. That was one of the things I liked about him so much... very even tempered.

But, I did post about one of his biggest red flags... that he was still M. S for over a year, but hasn't even filed for D. It wasn't a huge deal for me, because they were M by paper only (and he needed her insurance). But it still is a giant, waving, blood red flag none the less!


True happiness comes from within, not from someone else.† Donít make the mistake of waiting on someone or something to come along and make you happy

Posts: 1291 | Registered: Oct 2008
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Um, let's see, a lawyer who can't afford his own health insurance...

That doesn't add up for me somehow.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17153 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
HappilyUnMarried
♀ Member
Member # 21299
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Um, let's see, a lawyer who can't afford his own health insurance...

Yep, but this one is true... He is self-employed, likes to gamble, party, buy big toys and take many vacations.

Red flag #999- his lifestyle wasn't conducive to the practical things in life or saving for the future. Something that I didn't figure out for several months. Another reason this had to end and couldn't go on... I have 3 kids to support, don't need anyone else! But, geez, XSO is the perfect guy to date casually! But that's no longer what I am looking for.

Yes, the longer this thread goes on the more I feel totally comfortable with my decision. I listened to my gut. Thanks guys and keep 'em coming!

[This message edited by HappilyUnMarried at 1:58 PM, July 12th (Friday)]


True happiness comes from within, not from someone else.† Donít make the mistake of waiting on someone or something to come along and make you happy

Posts: 1291 | Registered: Oct 2008
exhausted lady
♀ Member
Member # 30217
Default  Posted: 2:54 AM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But what I found out when I broke up with him is that maybe, just maybe, being with him "sometimes" is better than not being with him at all. In other words, maybe I should live in the moment.

HUM....I got in on this late, but please get the hell away from this guy. He sounds SOOO much like my ex that is scares me for you.

Walk away. "Better" is out there, and if you're wasting your time waiting for this guy to finally show up....well, you know what I mean. Move on honey.


Sometimes the hardest part of finally seeing through someone is accepting what you see...

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to
change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.
-Reinhold Neibuhr


Posts: 3168 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Colorado
HappilyUnMarried
♀ Member
Member # 21299
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, he's really changing his tune. And don't worry, I am being very careful at this point.

You know how we give advice to a BS that a remorseful WS will be willing to do anything, including moving the earth and moon, to regain the trust they lost? My XWH never did anything of the sort. But (X)SO is claiming that I have changed him so much already (for the better) and he will do anything, including giving up his friends, golf, poker, etc... to have me back in his life. He's even filing for D next week. That he will never meet anyone so right for him again (and he's dated a lot).

Sigh. You know it's so hard to live your life with regrets. I'm not 100% sure dumping him is right or wrong at this point.

I haven't taken him back, but told him a first step will be to read "Men are from Mars, Woman from Venus" so he gets to understand my thought process....

He bought the book and is emailing me quotes and stuff and saying his life would have been so different had he read it years ago.

I'm touched. I'm treading carefully. If someone wants to change, can they really change?


True happiness comes from within, not from someone else.† Donít make the mistake of waiting on someone or something to come along and make you happy

Posts: 1291 | Registered: Oct 2008
259
♀ Member
Member # 22860
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my opinion is that yes people can make changes. but that is his journey.

yours is to put yourself and kids first.

hugs to you and I hope things work out for you.


Me = FBS
Him = gone


things that happen in my life do not define who I am. I get to choose to be the best I can be, for me. cause I'm worth it.


Posts: 286 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: my happy place (most of the time)
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HUM, I don't know if people really change. My only real experience with people that should/need to change...ultimately they haven't. My ex did everything "right" in the beginning...but it only lasted a few months, then he reverted back to the old ways.

I take that back, one of my "new" girlfriend post S told me about her "wild" childhood/teenage years. Full of sex, drugs, craziness. Now she is a great, responsible Mom. I don't know if that is true "change" or simply maturity.

It is your relationship, you are the only judge if he is capable of true change. You have to make decisions based on what is best for YOU.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4031 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
inconnu
♀ Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

we tell people all the time here that actions speak louder than words, but actions and words should match.

it's okay to hang back and watch to see if that happens with this guy. just remember though, you are worthy of being someone's priority, and listen to your gut when it has something to say to you.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12124 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
HappilyUnMarried
♀ Member
Member # 21299
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

actions and words should match.

Amen. Words mean nothing to me. I learned that important lesson in the aftermath of the A. And, really, this was the reason I broke it off with SO... he's promised me he would be there for me, but he wasn't there.

The fact that he is actually reading this book and sending examples to me of where he went wrong is a good sign, I think, that wants to change. But if we get back together and I don't actually see any change, then I really have my answer.


True happiness comes from within, not from someone else.† Donít make the mistake of waiting on someone or something to come along and make you happy

Posts: 1291 | Registered: Oct 2008
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sustained change, too. It's easy to change for a short time (days, weeks, even a month) and then revert slowly back...


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13565 | Registered: Jul 2011
Coraline
♀ Member
Member # 36434
Default  Posted: 4:12 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whoa! I usually only post in D&S, so hopefully you don't mind me chiming in here, but I am so glad you broke up with that guy. EVERYTHING you say about him screams narcissist.

*He has to be the life of the party
*He doesn't put you first
*He claims to get it, but never changes
*He is emotionally unavailable
*He can't/won't let go of his exes
*He might drink too much (narcissists usually have an addiction of some sort)
*He has lots of "friends" and doesn't seem to respect appropriate boundaries
*You break up with him and suddenly THEN he's willing to do anything to get you back
*He's irresponsible with money

My ex is probably not exactly a narcissist, because he doesn't meet all the criteria, but I've read a lot about them, because there are some similarities in the way he treats me. I'm really glad you broke up with that guy. You can't have a healthy, long-term relationship with very narcissistic people, whether they're actually personality disordered or just extremely narcissistic, but not quite PD. I think you should run, not walk, before he sucks you back in.

[This message edited by Coraline at 4:17 AM, July 15th (Monday)]


Me: BW, 34 Him: WH, 35
3 Kids: 9, 3, and 1
Decree nisi will become absolute in January. We are DONE.

Posts: 771 | Registered: Aug 2012
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with this ^^^ and if you continue to allow this guy in your life you're in for a rollercoaster ride of an entirely different sort.

Will it be exciting? Probably. Fulfilling? Probably not.

I see lots of drama on the horizon if you don't close the door on this one, but it's your choice to make. Only you can make the call.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17153 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
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