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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: To Block or Not
LiedtoLucy
♀ Member
Member # 39246
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am 2 1/2 months from D-Day (4/23). On 5/6 we found out OW is potentially preggers with my H child (vomit). He had agreed to go NC until paternity test results were confirmed.

I found ultrasound pics of OC that she texted to him that he had not told me about. I waited a couple of days and confronted him. He said he called her ONLY to get due date and info on OC. I told him that NC means ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT and that If I found out about broken NC again that I was DONE. He understands and agrees that he can and will do this.

But after that situation occurred, I blocked her from everything, phone, email, FB, everything that I could think of. Now I am starting to think that wasn't the right thing. I don't think he will contact her unless she provokes him the "baby news/issues" so my decision was based on that if she doesn't contact him, I won't have to worry about it. But maybe I do need to know if he WOULD contact her. Should I unblock her and follow closely? I sort of feel like I am protecting him from bring manipulated by her and her baby BS b/c she knows that will get his attention. But maybe I am protecting myself instead. I am sure that she would find another way to reach him if she really wanted too.

Advice, thoughts, encouragement welcome from all.


LTL

Me: BS
Him: WH
OW=UW or Ugly Whore- cow of WH
UW claims to be pregnant w/ WH baby and I HATE her for it.
DDay: 4/23/13
Together: 14 years
Married: 10 years
Kids: 3 beautiful boys. Ages: 8, 4, & 19 months
Trying to R-Some days are


Posts: 176 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Southeastern U.S.
RockyMtn
♀ Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, LiedtoLucy, I'm sorry. Even if this turns out for the best (no OC), what a trying time until you get a paternity test.

All I can share is my own personal view on 'blocking.' I wanted my WH to go NC on his own accord. Because he knew it was right. Because I was his priority. I didn't want to get into a babysitting/policing situation. Did I expect transparency? Yes. Did I expect to be able to look through the phone, etc.? Yes. That's transparency. But I didn't want to block him from all opportunity to fuck up because, frankly, I wanted to know he was capable of not fucking up. I wouldn't have wanted to protect him from supposed manipulation because, he should be self-protecting. And I never thought OW was a manipulator any more than he was. However, I was also in a situation where he worked with her for about a month after D-Day. I wasn't going to be able to block that, so I just gave the whole rope to see if he would hang himself or not.

So, I wouldn't have done what you did. Having said that, a potential OC is a terribly confusing and sensitive situation. If it helps you to rest more easily having blocked everything, then that is what is important. I hope someone else can come along and balance out my approach since I know it isn't the only one.

I also know there are threads in ICR about OC. Even though you don't know yet, they may be able to offer a lot of wisdom about dealing with the OW during this time.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
LiedtoLucy
♀ Member
Member # 39246
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Rockymtn

the day I saw those pics on his phone was absolutely gut wrenching. In the subject line was "our baby".

I was torn between blocking for the exact reasons you said. I want HIM to take responsibility for NC. Not me. but I think he feels guilty b/c she is pregnant, and she will use that for as long as she can. I am not even sure it is true. They had been having sex for 4 years (gag) and wouldn't you know that the very last time before he broke it off with her she gets pregnant. IMO if she IS she did it on purpose to try and keep him. And she was f****** a married man with no protection. What do you expect to happen?

This situation is making it so much harder to R. It doesn't change what he did but lack of an OC would be a much more pleasant place to start. Ugh.


LTL

Me: BS
Him: WH
OW=UW or Ugly Whore- cow of WH
UW claims to be pregnant w/ WH baby and I HATE her for it.
DDay: 4/23/13
Together: 14 years
Married: 10 years
Kids: 3 beautiful boys. Ages: 8, 4, & 19 months
Trying to R-Some days are


Posts: 176 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Southeastern U.S.
unarmbears
♀ Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would go ahead and block if that is what you need for peace of mind.

Get an attorney to be your mediator in the OC situation. The attorney can write the letters regarding notification of the birth and the subsequent paternity testing can go through the attorney also. There is no need for your WH to be in contact with the OW or the OC until a visitation plan can be worked out. I highly recommend that visitation occur on neutral territory with OW bringing OC to you and you bringing OC to your WH.
I wish you good luck for the future! Sounds like OW is doing some "claiming" of your WH, at least in the baby dept.


FBS-Me, 61
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 26 and 31
2 Daughters 29, 25 And 4 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4891 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
NoMorDeceit
♀ Member
Member # 23547
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sorry. Ya know I really would have replied to ow's our baby pics bullshit with a huge shovel full of reality in the form of "don't you mean our baby" as in all 3 of us...that's right dear " our baby"". I think maybe she does not get it...or maybe your WS has not been honest with her or you about where this is headed. She sounds like she still believes he will be with her or there for her.

You need an attorney handling all contact with her from now,. Another dose of reality...they are not going to be a " family". If there is any contact with the oc it will either be handled through you or the attorney. Your husband should have zero and I mean Zero contact with her again.


FBS, been through the D marathon too.
Many D Days in April 2009
Multiple affairs, LTAs, and many OWs
Reconciled... There is hope! :)


Posts: 537 | Registered: Apr 2009
RockyMtn
♀ Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need an attorney handling all contact with her from now,. Another dose of reality...they are not going to be a " family"

LTL - this makes a lot of sense to me.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
LiedtoLucy
♀ Member
Member # 39246
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree. I have been trying to convince myself OC isn't real because I truly don't know if I can live the rest of my life with this reminder of my husband's inability to keep "it" in his pants. The thought of paying child support to OW makes me ill. But we have to face it and I guess the sooner the better.


LTL

Me: BS
Him: WH
OW=UW or Ugly Whore- cow of WH
UW claims to be pregnant w/ WH baby and I HATE her for it.
DDay: 4/23/13
Together: 14 years
Married: 10 years
Kids: 3 beautiful boys. Ages: 8, 4, & 19 months
Trying to R-Some days are


Posts: 176 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Southeastern U.S.
Topic Posts: 7

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