"I don't understand the world today I don't understand what she needs I gave her everything she threw it all away" tom petty
Finally this is R 8/14/13
"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".
There were some times early on when FWH had "truth diarrhea" when, rather than just giving me the facts, he editorialized. I could have done without that, but that wasn't truth as much as it was him using me as a sounding board for things that would have been better discussed with his IC until he had examined it better.
the regretful things were more the details of the A. I'm a grown ass woman, I know how sex works.. I didn't need details.
*sometimes asking questions/getting information was more about his willingness to answer things, not so much the importance of the information.
if you have questions, ask. if you're not sure if you want to know the answers, write them down. you can always go back to them. I'd start out with broad general questions then whittle them down to specifics. most times, I wouldn't get far cause, to me, at the time, it wasn't imperative to the here and now or the details weren't deal breakers.
just remember that you can't unring a bell. a lot of what I asked was during periods of intense, supervised counseling to assure healthy communication. then again, early on, there was a lot of knee jerk rapid fire daily double lightning round questioning too... in hindsight, I'd recommend the first, or at least when you're in a good (?) place with good communications skills before getting nitty gritty stuff... jm2c .
Personally, the one thing I didn't want to see was the video from my PI. It is in his safe; not even my attorney has seen it. I am a visual person; I don't know how well I would have handled truly "seeing" it. Especially when they were at my home. The funny thing is, on DD#2, I showed up at their love shack... walked right into the house and called for my husband. I don't trigger about that at all. But seeing them in my house.... I don't think I could deal with that.
The details helped me gain many things back that I THOUGHT I had lost to his A's. The discussions also helped us grow closer, there were no longer ANY secrets between us and that was important to me.
So, painful, yes, regret, no.
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...
I've also come to learn that the truth can seem to change; I don't mean that actual events change, but that emotional states and thoughts change, and trying to pin down some of those types of issues is like nailing jello to a wall. Perception does change, and figuring out when it changed, and the legitimacy of it both before and after the change, has proven pretty "squishy" for me.
I wanted, and I truly think got, everything, and was one for whom the truth was better than my imaginings.
Now I feel that I know all the dirty little secrets about OW and the A, none of which are flattering. She no longer "shares" that with my H. I know how he truly felt. I now pity her. She, otoh, knows nothing about me or our reality.
I also have found that the "truth" changes as my H becomes more self aware. Early on when I asked him why he would leave right after screwing her he said something vague. Recently I asked again and he said,, ashamedly, "because I didn't like her." He realizes more all the time how toxic and pathologic it was. I fact, our new name for it, since it doesn't deserve "affair" is Muual Fuckedupness.
I don't regret anything I found out. My H and I now share this. But our stories all vary.