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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Oh, how the mighty fall.
Catwoman
♀ Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 4:41 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have long maintained that "BS-hood" alone is no guarantee that someone will not be unfaithful. Your story illustrates just that. Even as BSs we are vulnerable to wayward thinking, bad boundaries, blameshifting and justification.

First and foremost, there's nothing more than a really great friendship happening between me and this man. I struggle with even labeling it as an EA because it's not "I love you, you love me, let's make really inappropriate decisions together."

Sorry--you are taking emotional time, effort and energy out of the marriage and giving it to someone else. It is an EA. You are using the "feel-good" of this interaction to bolster yourself.

What I realized from this relationship is that there is so much missing from my marriage (which I knew) that is actually possible to have with another human being - which I didn't realize.

Beware this line of thinking--it is seriously flawed. You don't live with this person, interact with them daily or have to pick up his socks off the floor and smell the bathroom after he's used it. EVERYONE can be wonderful and kind and loving and giving a couple of hours a day. Comparing your EA partner to your spouse is very dangerous territory.

You cannot make a rational decision about your marriage until the OP is out of the picture and you are maintaining NC for some time. You freely admit that while your WS has done a tremendous work on himself, the two of you haven't worked on the marriage. So expecting the marital problems to be resolved is unrealistic. You have to work to resolve problems, not just work on yourselves. And seriously--your IC is okay with this friendship?

Your marriage may or may not be over. You may or may not be compatible. But I will say that you haven't worked on your marriage to see if it can be made better. You have both hidden behind IC (and you with your EA) to avoid addressing things in the marriage.

My advice? NC with this person, tell his wife, and get into MC. You have to address the ugly. All of it. Yours, his and what you own jointly. Will it work? Who knows? But I do know that, as someone who is divorced, I have a clear conscience. I did all I could. My ex? He did very little, including being actively in affairs (and lying about them) while in MC. I sure wouldn't want that on my soul.

I do think most marriages, particularly long-term ones, can be saved with hard work and dedication. And if it doesn't work, some MC will help with the coming apart in a way that will minimize the damage done to everyone, especially the children.

Cat


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29541 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
JustDesserts
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 6:52 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Beware this line of thinking--it is seriously flawed. You don't live with this person, interact with them daily or have to pick up his socks off the floor and smell the bathroom after he's used it. EVERYONE can be wonderful and kind and loving and giving a couple of hours a day. Comparing your EA partner to your spouse is very dangerous territory.

@Cat: So true. And what's worse is that early in my affair this was the case with my xAP, as we did the rainbow farting magic unicorn mutual Luuurrrvvv kibble feeding thing. Later, I became a willing sounding board for all her complaints about the world around her, and the people in that world. Just on and on and on about siblings, teachers, doctors, the guy at the store, and everyone in the world who was wronging her daily on things big, small, imagined.

In other words, she was showing me HER socks on the floor, her bathroom after forgetting the fan, her carefully hidden junk and baggage and ugly stuff...and I was too blind to see or admit what I was seeing.

So we craft carefully what we project to our AP's, and in my case and many other's cases (I suspect) we also put on special goggles of delusion regarding when we actually do see those socks on the floor.


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
918Mama
♀ Member
Member # 37756
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your feedback. It's a lot to take in, but I am.

Under the advice of our therapist, we are moving into a full physical separation and I have begun official NC. Though I have to admit the mental NC is a bit tougher. Hopefully time and distance will make it easier to manage.

Therapy continues. Working through my own shit continues. Sadness continues.


Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be. -- Sonia Ricotti

Posts: 499 | Registered: Dec 2012
grace68
♀ Member
Member # 28241
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi 918Mama,
Is this the British guy?
If it is, a MM who will ask you to sleep with him is not someone you want to consider a good friend. How could you possibly believe anything he says to you?

ETA: Accidentally hit send too soon.

[This message edited by grace68 at 12:49 PM, July 11th (Thursday)]


Me - BS
Him - Doesn't Matter
Status: Divorced

Posts: 109 | Registered: Apr 2010
918Mama
♀ Member
Member # 37756
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Grace - yes. And you are right.


Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be. -- Sonia Ricotti

Posts: 499 | Registered: Dec 2012
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have begun official NC.

That's great!! It's a very important first step forward. You can do this


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 196517 | Registered: May 2002
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the mental NC is a bit tougher.
It definitely is. The mind is powerful.
Hopefully time and distance will make it easier to manage.
It will but it will only work if you work it. Good first step. Keep it up.


FWW - 40
I'm big on personal responsibility. Own your shit. ALL OF IT.

Posts: 5767 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
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