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Newest Member: Sunnyhopeful82 (45341)

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User Topic: Naivete, Fidelity and Stupidity
iggyD
♀ Member
Member # 36171
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm feeling so stupid and crushed.

Long story very short, my fWH is the only person I've ever been with sexually and we've been together since h.s. We've been married almost 36 years - together for over 40.

It never occurred to me to cheat...ever. Even when we were apart while we were both away at college. And I was naive enough to believe that he would behave the same way. But I guess once you're betrayed, you do an evaluation of everything. So I was thinking about it and if he'll cheat on me when we're together, why wouldn't he cheat when we weren't married and apart? So I asked him if he had slept with anyone while we were apart during college and his answer was "one or two" - not a surprise, but very hurtful nonetheless.

I feel stupid. What the hell is wrong with me? I really should have been enjoying myself too I suppose. I feel cheated and I know it's crazy for me to be upset about something that happened a hundred years ago, but in totality - I just feel stupid.

Partly because all these years, I believed one thing and then because of the last couple, I decide to revisit the past and lo and behold it wasn't what I believed it to be either. And, I always trusted him so who knows what else there has been? It seems so unfair and right now I just feel like what the hell? This has probably all been a lie - I might as well just say WTF and go fuck around as well.

This probably makes no sense, but at least I've gotten some of it out.


2012 was a bitch...but I'm hopeful about 2013.

Posts: 317 | Registered: Jul 2012
Lovedyoumore
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iggy, I could have written your post. I know your experience because it is my life also. I know I was naive because I was not raised in an environment to look for cheating. Unknown to me, there was lots of infidelity in H's family. My life and family experience made me a trusting person that did not see cheating when it was right under my nose. I believed in life time fidelity and my H professed to believe. Now knowing his very limited coping skills to emotional stress I guess I was stupid not to know FOO issues are forever and will rise up. So, yes, I was naive and stupid and faithful.

I would rather be stupid and naive than a cheater. Stupid and naive can be educated, but being a cheater is a forever stain that cannot be lifted.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1526 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
wanttogoforward
♀ Member
Member # 29912
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You were not naive or stupid.... you were in a relationship and trusted that he was in that same relationship WITH you... that is not a foolish thing to expect.... I expected the same of my H... we were not together a great deal of time due to deployments and such.... and I expected him to behave the same way I did- faithful, loving, trusting 10000%!
It is never foolish to believe when you are in an exclusive relationship that you are both exclusive! This behavior speaks of his character (lack of) and not yours at all!

Posts: 1184 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still lost
iggyD
♀ Member
Member # 36171
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks LYM - I'm just so tired of always taking the high road - not just in this situation, but in the way I've tried to live my life overall. I find that most times, there really isn't a lot of traffic on the high road, except the occasional blindside by someone taking a shortcut to do whatever the @$*! they want to do.


2012 was a bitch...but I'm hopeful about 2013.

Posts: 317 | Registered: Jul 2012
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Iggy))))
There was a post a few days ago about this by Blakesteele. It was actually quite good. Many people have different takes on it depending where they are in the process of healing. There are a LOT of us here too that thought our spouses would be our one and only.

Sorry for your new pain.

(((and strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8709 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Lovedyoumore
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My children will tell you, I have drilled into them to always look for and take the high road. Has it always worked without hurt? No. But in the end, they can look at their actions and be proud. Sometimes it is not the battle at hand, but winning your life.

We can be proud, too. Whether we go and make a new life or decide to stay and work with our WS, be proud because we can say we did not cheat on our spouse or our family.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1526 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
iggyD
♀ Member
Member # 36171
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@ tushnurse - thanks. I'll try to find the thread.

@LYM - at my core, I know you're right. I guess I'm just not in a good place today and my IC isn't available for 3 weeks so I've come here.

fWH has been doing everything that he knows to do to help R. He's really, really trying..he's remorseful, etc. I just feel gutted and really like calling timeout.

Thank you both for the support.


2012 was a bitch...but I'm hopeful about 2013.

Posts: 317 | Registered: Jul 2012
Daysie
♀ Member
Member # 38873
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iggy.

I to can understand you feeling this way. I have been married for 35yrs and found out recently that my WH had an affair with my then BF 32yrs ago. I have always been faithful and would never have thought about having an A. I have always worked in situations where there have been large numbers of male co-workers and the opportunities to mess around would have been easy. I could never do that to my WH.

I told him recently that if I had known what he was up to way back then - well!!!!

I also said that it might be nice to have an "A" myself soon - just to find out how exciting it must be to be so in need of being with their AP that they would risk everything

WH told me never to say or do that because it would kill him to think of me being with someone else

I just don't understand


Me BS 56
Him WH 56
M 36yrs
A 32yrs ago with my then BF
DD 1 / DS 1
Who is this man ??????


Posts: 85 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
dameia
♀ Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iggy, I'm right there with you.

WH and I started dating at 18, married at 21, and had our first child at 21. I feel cheated. I know that sounds silly, but its one of the hardest things for me to get over.

WH got to live it up, party with friends, and basically have a fun, exciting life. Meanwhile I stayed in a tiny little apartment and took care of ALL the responsibilities that an adult needs to take care of. I wonder what my life would have been like, what I would have seen and experienced, had I not been so responsible.

But I can be proud of myself and he hates himself....so I guess thats something.


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

Trust is like paper. Once it's crumpled it can never be perfect again.


Posts: 1169 | Registered: Jul 2012
Alex CR
♀ Member
Member # 27968
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But I can be proud of myself and he hates himself....so I guess thats something.

That is so much more than 'something'.

I never expected my H to ever cheat, but he did. His inadequacies in certain areas of character do not make me naive or stupid, but are completely his problem.

I'm not perfect, not even close, but I know I gave my best to our marriage and our kids and carried the full weight of our family through the years H was out screwing around. I hope the kids never learn how their father betrayed not just me, but them too, spending his weekends with another woman instead of his kids leaving them to struggle as teens without his help.

My H has to live with that knowledge and deal with it every time the kids say, 'Oh you wouldn't remember that Dad...you were always out working back then, but we understand you were taking care of us all.' H knows the real truth and has to live with that.


BS Me 61
WS Him 62
Married 33
Together 40
DD 11/16/09
The future looks good....

Posts: 1713 | Registered: Mar 2010
iggyD
♀ Member
Member # 36171
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@ Alex - Maybe some day I'll get to a place where I can be proud of that "something". But right now, all I feel is stupid and duped. I know that's my issue to solve but I just don't know how or if I'll get there.


2012 was a bitch...but I'm hopeful about 2013.

Posts: 317 | Registered: Jul 2012
Alex CR
♀ Member
Member # 27968
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((iggyD))) it's that word...time.

We are almost four years out and I was shocked at how naive I had been, at first. I spent the first year in shock and pain, broken, but I also was consumed with finding information about how H had pulled this off for five years without me knowing. I looked at everything building a spreadsheet to help me figure out the reality of my life while H carried on this betrayal.

Over time I began to understand how he managed to do it and how he counted on my honest nature to get away with it. After all, I couldn't imagine lying like H did...it's just not in me and my ignorance of this ability in him was not because I'm stupid, it's because I'm honest. I'm the type of person who gives back extra change when a salesperson makes a mistake and gives me too much. Its just how I've always been.....maybe all that Catholic school training

Anyway, time will help you heal and grow in so many ways......and many people here at SI can help tremendously by sharing their experiences.

Don't be hard on yourself.....you did nothing to make this happen and nothing to deserve it. WSs work really hard to pull this shit off and in the end, they still lose so much.

I am proud of most of what I've done in my life and the things I wish I had done differently do NOT include cheating, lying or stealing time from my family.


BS Me 61
WS Him 62
Married 33
Together 40
DD 11/16/09
The future looks good....

Posts: 1713 | Registered: Mar 2010
ifinallyfoundme
♀ Member
Member # 39523
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH was my first and only and there are times when I am feeling low I wonder what it would be like to enjoy the physical pleasures of another man. ...however I'm trying to live a life for my kids as well as myself. My grown children are virgins and the sex dynamic has not clouded their relationships.

You are a rare gem in an era where so many are hurt because they don't have basic self control. There is more to life than our genitalia and this separation has allowed me to see more clearly.

I LOVE SEX and his A has shown or highlighted the insecurities of an aging man with health issues an ED. I was a good wife and an excellent lover. He now realizes the cost of what he lost is too great.

So, I don't have sexual experiences with others but my life has been and continues to be full and exciting. Sex is good but don't knock yourself for not having multiple partners.


Posts: 180 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
ifinallyfoundme
♀ Member
Member # 39523
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Over time I began to understand how he managed to do it and how he counted on my honest nature to get away with it. After all, I couldn't imagine lying like H did...it's just not in me and my ignorance of this ability in him was not because I'm stupid, it's because I'm honest. I'm the type of person who gives back extra change when a salesperson makes a mistake and gives me too much. Its just how I've always been

I agree wholeheartedly. We weren't stupid or naive. I expected honesty, morality, and basic decency which he totally lacks.


Posts: 180 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
2oldforthis
♀ Member
Member # 19825
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(iggyd) It is very hard when you find something out that has been a long time betrayal. I am not sure why the BS's question ourselves so much, but boy we sure do.

I have experienced all those feelings also. My WS's had his hidden secret for a very long time. I had been married for 34 years when I found out. It is hugh to find out that someone you care about so much had kept a hugh secret for so many years.

I have also used the same terminology about myself. What the hell is wrong with me that I was so trusting? That I did not find this out?

Even thou we know we are not to blame, on those really bad days those questions creep in and make us doubt ourselves.

I can totally relate to what you are saying.


He did not see what he had in me, what I saw in him I did not have!

Love kills slowly.


Posts: 1647 | Registered: Jun 2008
2oldforthis
♀ Member
Member # 19825
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm just so tired of always taking the high road - not just in this situation, but in the way I've tried to live my life overall. I find that most times, there really isn't a lot of traffic on the high road, except the occasional blindside by someone taking a shortcut to do whatever the @$*! they want to do.

Oh! YES! Me Too!


He did not see what he had in me, what I saw in him I did not have!

Love kills slowly.


Posts: 1647 | Registered: Jun 2008
Topic Posts: 16

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