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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: this is what i know
ItsaClimb
♀ Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here.

I'm with AdamsApple, I like your message. I think too often both BS and WS can become so engrossed in trying to fix themselves that they lose sight of trying to fix the marriage.

I am in no way implying that it is not vitally important for both BS and WS to work on themselves, that is HUGE. But flip, my WS really hurt me and our marriage by his actions, it means a great deal to me when he puts some hard work into making amends and making our marriage a safer, happier place for us to be. The harder he works at that the more I can see his remorse. Just my personal opinion, take it or leave it.


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 908 | Registered: Oct 2012
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, I think I get what page you're on now.

Not sure year 2 is any harder than year one, but its more about moving past the shock and awe and getting to the next level of healing.

So very true. I don't think we even realize how much shock/denial there is in the first year. Year two is easier in that reality is more clearly defined, but harder in that there's no escaping what actually happened.

Working HARD, and as a team is what makes it bearable. Good message, scream. Please say hello to Teach8 for me.


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16359 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
hardlessons
♂ Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You don't have a healthy marriage till you have 2 healthy people. I'm not surprised that those who only know 1 side of the street "BS" applaud a WS who just says "Do more". Well we kinda know that already at least the ones doing the hard work, the ones posting and contributing and saying what they do more of and what is working for them, sharing their issues on a regular basis.. Doing more means what? Sure we can wax ecstatic about tirelessly working to save our dear BS from the horrible pain we inflicted and some want that, it works for them in a sad sick way but to each their own.
So you want more

More self flagelation?
More selfless acts to the point of unhealthy?
More unflinching focus on the BS till the WS bleeds out so the BS can have their pound of flesh?

Maybe this would be helpful if we said what we do more of? There is a balance that needs to happen when dealing with A's. Off balance XYZ is exactly what landed some of us here and continuing that off balance approach is useless.


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe scream's trying to say that for the WS that thinks they've hit a wall and done all they can do, there's actually no such thing as that wall?

Sure, his post was vague, but what I'm getting out of this now that he's clarified is that throwing your arms up and saying "Well shit, I've done everything I can do" is detrimental to the process.

I agree that it would be good for you to incorporate the mindset that healing from within and for yourself is critical to the overall goal though, scream. But I think I get the gist of your post now. Let's keep the convo rolling.


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16359 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
hardlessons
♂ Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

there's actually no such thing as that wall?

Actually there is a wall. A wayward making all the right choices and decisions and moving forward does not guarantee that it will fix his marriage or make their BS happy/healthy.

Sometimes it was a deal breaker and the BS just wont admit it or stays for the kids/finance etc. and yet the WS is supposed to just "Do more"? No, when that is the case then an exit strategy must be put into place for both parties.

Why can we tell waywards to GET healthy, but then tell them to make UNhealthy choices and take whatever comes? On this site and IRL I have seen abuse, DM, RA's all excused because well the wayward deserved it.

I'm sorry, I am working my ass off, but I will not be a whipping boy to satisfy others desires. Luckily I haven't had to deal with that personally, but I have seen enough to have a strong feeling about it. I don't mind being the only one in this boat.


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
scream
♂ Member
Member # 36506
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whatever anyone takes from this. I don't really care. HL...your right to each his own. I know what I know for myself. If you don't like or agree so be it. I just know from what I do and don't do. And there it is. And if a BS wants a pound of flesh...guess what? Maybe they deserve atleast that.

Posts: 265 | Registered: Aug 2012
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well as a "BS" I got what he was saying and I certainly don't want a "pound of my WH#2's flesh" or him to "bleed out" helping me get over what he did to me and our marriage. I want a healthy spouse who is willing to put his all into our marriage the way I have always done. Marriage is a constant work in progress and each of us can always "do more" to make it better for each other as well as ourselves.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
hardlessons
♂ Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just know from what I do and don't do.

What was that? What do you do?


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
scream
♂ Member
Member # 36506
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I work on myself. I work on my marriage. Sometimes I'm good at and sometimes not. But its not a job. Its a marriage. Its 2 people trying to give of each other. And the truth is I fucked up. I betrayed every vow I made to my wife. So if I say that I need to do more than I do. If you think you have done enough or that you just don't want to then good for you. I couldn't disagree more. But that's just my on thoughts. Whatever works for you and your wife. Do you think you've done enough? Does your wife? Its funny how so many people have gotten so into this one. Makes you think. Maybe have done the things that matter. Maybe some do need to do more. Or maybe some just need to cut and run.

Posts: 265 | Registered: Aug 2012
Teach8
♀ Member
Member # 36521
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its been awhile since I have felt protective of my wh...but I do. I am scream's bs. Scream doesn't always express everything he means that well...yes he is working on that and himself...A LOT! He is in ic...we are learning to communicate better with mc. However, according to many. many sources both books and this site, thee are certain things that a remorseful spouse can do for the betrayed. Scream wasn't necessarily doing all of these. I don't hold scream accountable for my happiness or my choices. But ya know what, knowing he wants to do more is a comfort to me. It helps me to know that he wants to help in my healing...not be responsible for it...just help more. If you read the lifeboat...which is one of the best things on this site, there is a place for him in my healing and I'm glad he wants to be a part of it. He can't make up for what he did, but he can help me learn to trust him again. Yes, by getting healthy, growing, learning, working on himself, but also being a bigger part of my healing as well. And honestly, I need that.


Me: BW. Him: WH. Dday: 4/26/12. TT until 8/15/12 LTA 7 years. Trying to R

Posts: 491 | Registered: Aug 2012
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Beautifully put, Teach8. Good to see you.


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16359 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Excellent post/s you two!!

Good to see you both


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 196398 | Registered: May 2002
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Really what matters is the communication that is happening between the two of you, and that is apparent.

Glad to see you're on the same page and helping each other heal.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 36597 | Registered: Sep 2007
Teach8
♀ Member
Member # 36521
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Awww...thanks. It's good to see you too. I don't know why I don't post more but I read ALL the time. I know I should post more...I think I'm almost there. :) And thank you DS!!!


Me: BW. Him: WH. Dday: 4/26/12. TT until 8/15/12 LTA 7 years. Trying to R

Posts: 491 | Registered: Aug 2012
scream
♂ Member
Member # 36506
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's my wife. She wants more, she needs more. I'm going to do more. HL, its just that simple.

Posts: 265 | Registered: Aug 2012
hardlessons
♂ Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

scream, I am glad you are doing more. Guess I just expect a little more than "do more" and was trying to see what you thought was more. You couldn't, that's fine. Good luck


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Scream,
Your last post reminded me of something between me and LD (my BH) that happened a couple of weeks ago.

I went to work and told LD I had a staff meeting and a training afterwards. He misinterpreted it when I emailed him after the staff meeting(which I always do when I'm at my office once/week, which can be triggery for him). I said meeting and staff training is done.

He said, "I thought you were training a new volunteer?" I said, "No, it was a staff meeting and staff training afterwards."

I felt a triggery vibe from him because the information was confusing so I emailed him the staff email that was sent as a reminder, breaking down the itinerary for that morning.

He told me later that I didn't have to do that. I said I know, but I had it in my emails and I figured forwarding it would calm his mind a little bit, so he could see exactly what my morning was.

So, my long winded point it...LD is responsible for his own healing, but if I can do more, anything else to help him, why the hell not???

(and we are almost 6 years out)


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 36597 | Registered: Sep 2007
scream
♂ Member
Member # 36506
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't define more for you. More for me would be to really listen to her and impliment the things she needs to help her heal. To talk more about what I'm doing, what we are doing together. But to be the one to bring it up. Not wait till she is so frustrated it becomes an arguement. So the more may be different or similar for any

Posts: 265 | Registered: Aug 2012
hardlessons
♂ Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

scream, you did just define it. You are saying you are taking the lead in the healing for both of you. Right? Taking the initiative.

That is a good "more". That is something all waywards should do regardless.


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
Teach8
♀ Member
Member # 36521
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HL...you just nailed it. I've asked scream to take the lead. To be a bit more proactive in our recovery as a couple. He is wonderful when I want to talk or in answering questions. He has been great about going to ic every single week for a year. I just needed him to take the next step. There was a lot of not ever being the one to bring things up...think he's been afraid to rock the boat. He's been afraid to hurt me by taking the lead...couldn't see how bringing things up would do anything but hurt me more. It is difficult for a bs to explain why some of us nned that. I needed it. I think scream is finally getting it. I am proud of him for that. And I also know that he doesn't always explain things clearly the first time around. And AN...I truly hope that 6 years down the road...scream will still be as thoughtful as you were. And I hope I can be for scream.


Me: BW. Him: WH. Dday: 4/26/12. TT until 8/15/12 LTA 7 years. Trying to R

Posts: 491 | Registered: Aug 2012
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