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Newest Member: losingblindhope (44303)

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User Topic: Should I share the news?
cocototo2
♀ New Member
Member # 39776
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just discovered on Saturday that, 2 years ago, my husband had a 7 month affair with another woman who was also married. They have long since stopped talking (she stopped returning his calls after breaking it off), but I found her and her husband on facebook now and was wondering if I had a responsibility to tell him? I definitely have the desire to tell and to let her know I found out. I'm just not sure that is the smartest thing to do at this point, given that I am angry and probably trying to lash out. Thanks for the advice?


BW (me) - 40
WH (him) - 42
Children - 1 DS(9), 2 DD (6,2)
OW - married with DD (7)
DD - 7/6/13

Posts: 42 | Registered: Jul 2013
Jospehine85
♀ Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't even bother contacting the OW. She knew your WH was married, she didn't care about you then. She doesn't care now. Don't give her an opportunity to twist the knife in your back.

DO contact her BH and let him know. He has the right to know he has potentially been exposed to STDs. He also has the right to know the true state of his M.

I contacted the BH in my case and he was incredibly grateful to me.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 811 | Registered: Jun 2012
aesir
♂ Member
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe that he deserves to know, but you may not be in the right frame of mind to tell him. Whatever your motivations are, keep in mind that he had no more part in this than you did, and is likely to feel the same way you do about finding out. Try to inform him with compassion, the way you would like someone to tell you about it. Completely ignore her, she really doesn't care if you know, except for her fear that you will tell, and if she finds out you know, she will go into damage control mode and spin a story about you being some crazy bitch making stuff up. Once you tell him, she will learn that you know, and it will be more painful to her than anything you can do.


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
cocototo2
♀ New Member
Member # 39776
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do I just tell him they had an affair or do I go ahead and tell him the details? I was going to send them both a facebook message together. Maybe I should send it to him only telling him that I just found out that his wife and my husband had an affair, when, and how it ended (I think he should know about boyfriend #2). Then tell him he can contact me for details. Thoughts?


BW (me) - 40
WH (him) - 42
Children - 1 DS(9), 2 DD (6,2)
OW - married with DD (7)
DD - 7/6/13

Posts: 42 | Registered: Jul 2013
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

coco...

I think you need to tell him the facts only. Be gentle and kind, he's probably in the dark about it. But I wouldn't include her in the message, she'll probably delete it to save herself.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 196518 | Registered: May 2002
notquiteoverit
♀ Member
Member # 32919
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Contact him. He deserves to know. Offer him copies of any evidence you have and details if he wants them. Don't bother telling the OW. You do not owe her any consideration whatsoever. She will find out from her husband.


Me - BS 50
Him - WS 49
SOW - 52 destitute loser
D-day 1/28/11

Posts: 570 | Registered: Jul 2011
RidingHealingRd
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He really does deserve to know what took place behind his back.

It certainly will lesson the chance that his WW cheats on him again and gets away with it.



ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 3.5 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2092 | Registered: Nov 2011
cocototo2
♀ New Member
Member # 39776
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone for the advice. I sent him a facebook message and just gave him the basics. I told him that if he wants the emails, etc., or more information, then he can contact me.


BW (me) - 40
WH (him) - 42
Children - 1 DS(9), 2 DD (6,2)
OW - married with DD (7)
DD - 7/6/13

Posts: 42 | Registered: Jul 2013
brkn_heartd
♀ Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You did the right thing. I would expect some fall out. Have you told your WS?


Me-50 BS
Him 57-WS
Married 30 yrs, together 33
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1533 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
cocototo2
♀ New Member
Member # 39776
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I actually spent some time today searching for the OS's email address because I'm not sure if he will get my facebook message. I finally found his work email and just sent him an email. I'm nervous about doing that, it's a hard burden to know you are sharing news that will possibly destroy a family.


BW (me) - 40
WH (him) - 42
Children - 1 DS(9), 2 DD (6,2)
OW - married with DD (7)
DD - 7/6/13

Posts: 42 | Registered: Jul 2013
stillhere09
♀ Member
Member # 24924
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


You did the right thing. Let us know how it turns out.


Me-50 BW
Him-55,STBXWH

Walk a Mile In My Shoes
Married 14 yrs. Now Separated & in NC
2 grown DD's - his from previous M
4 grown kids (2DS, 2DD) mine from previous M


Posts: 3020 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Ohio
dawnmarie
♀ Member
Member # 32964
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe you did the right thing. I only wish someone would have told me.


"Always go with your gut...the mind will only tell you what you want to hear."
author......me!!
BS:41
WH: 44
DDay: 8/02/09 (just someone from work)
DDay: 10/27/09 Complete confession
WH has done everything right for R (that I know of).

Posts: 130 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: IA
Mousse242
♀ Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you did the right thing.

Posts: 5473 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
TXBW68
♀ Member
Member # 36456
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A lot of people knew what my husband was doing for 6 years. Every single OW knew about me. OW2 was a friend of the family.

I wish someone had told me!

Good Luck!!


Me (45) WH (42),2 boys 14 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 784 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
Jospehine85
♀ Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You did the right thing coco.

There were people who knew about my WH's affair. None of them saw fit to inform OW's husband or me. Most knew and were friends with OW's husband.

One of her coworkers knew me. I suspect though that like the rest of her coworkers he was told that WH and I had separated.

I wish someone have had the guts to speak up. It would have saved me and the BH months of abuse from our WSs.

Her BH was recently separated from her and he was grateful when I informed him. It explained a lot of her behavior and confirmed what he suspected.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 811 | Registered: Jun 2012
mysticpenguin
♀ Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you did the right thing (((coco)))


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
cocototo2
♀ New Member
Member # 39776
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, I just got an email from WS today. The OW emailed him - I guess her husband talked to him about what I told him. It appears she's trying to snow him and he plans to talk to WH on Thursday. I told WH to recover all of the files and emails on his computer related to her and looked up a program he can download to do that. The email she sent to WH was all business like nothing had happened. What a crock! WH forwarded me the email and asked for OW BS's email. We'll see what happens now, I guess.


BW (me) - 40
WH (him) - 42
Children - 1 DS(9), 2 DD (6,2)
OW - married with DD (7)
DD - 7/6/13

Posts: 42 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 17

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