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Newest Member: Devestatedbeyond (44583)

Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Stbxwh wants $
stillinshockx2
♀ Member
Member # 28638
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't posted in a long time. STBXWH and I have been separated for over 3 years. I was the breadwinner for the entire marriage. He ran up the credit cards and took a great deal of $ out of the accounts post-separation. He has paid nothing towards the mortgage or home upkeep. He pays no child support, but instead paid off DD's car, pays their health insurance, and splits their car repairs and maintenance with me.

I has taken me a long time to get my credit rating back up so that I can buy him out and refinance. We met last night, and he is insisting on a monetary payment of 1/2 of the equity less the 1/2 of the marital debt on the date of separation. He will not give me any credit for the mortgage payments, repairs, or upkeep on the house.

I know that I can get more if I litigate the D, but I don't really want to go through that again, and I don't want to pay attorneys' fees. I am not really surprised that he thinks he is entitled to $ even after his affairs. He still won't admit the affairs, won't tell the kids where he lives, etc. He is broken and selfish.

Just venting, I guess. We will see what happens after we get an appraisal and meet again to talk about the split. Ugh.


Me: BS, 48; Him: WS, 52
DDay 1 - EA (denies PA) 6-13-05
DDay 2 - EA (denies PA) 3-30-10
DDay 3 - 8-04-10 WH living w/30 yo OW2; still denies PA despite PI proof and won't admit he lives with OW2
2 children (D20, S18)
M 25 years; together 8

Posts: 321 | Registered: May 2010
betrayedfriend
♀ Member
Member # 19785
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honestly I would suggest organizing all of the money he took, and documenting the payments you have made, and lawyering up... he doesn't get to opt out of child support, and he doesn't get to decide what you will give him... make sure it's fair to you.


I originally joined SI as a way to help my best friends find ways of coping with infidelity, but now infidelity has touched my family much closer to home.

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Midwest USA
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Amen to what betrayedfriend wrote.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 24746 | Registered: Aug 2011
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He can wish in one hand and shit in the other; see which one gets filled first.

You really do need to consult an attorney to determine your options. You can probably just file the way you want and let it go until the divorce becomes final. Please do check it out; I would not acquiesce to his desires.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 19955 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't really want to go through that again

The thing to consider is that if you give into this, then he knows he can keep pushing for more. He knows he'll wear you down, so stand your ground now and show him otherwise.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13693 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
Take2
♀ Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with holding your ground or he'll keep backing you up.

I'd do out a spread sheet and total the figures taken, spent, etc. toward marital bills, debt, mortgage (is his name on it - has he claim any of the payments on taxes?), cost of insurance, etc. See the real numbers in black and white... then decide what to do or give with actual figures to back you up.

The only other thing that concerns me is that if you were the bread winner - is it possible that he could go for support too? Not sure where you are - and that would make the difference...


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4112 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hugs)))

I understand wanting to be done with it. I also understand weighing what you are fighting for vs. the cost financially to L's and court costs and emotional costs as well.

Your children are older and CS won't be an issue for much longer. Did you file your S, or ever file for CS, or even temporary support? If so, then support would be back dated to that point.

If you have never filed an order for him to pay CS, what he has paid, and what you have accepted from him with regards to paying off the vehicle and health insurance may be viewed as negotiated support by you.

You also say he is accepting half the debt at the date of S, which eliminates you from responsibility of the debt he ran up post S, am I reading that right? Also, he accepts the date of the S for figuring debt, then does he accept the date of the S for the date of the equity on the house? That should allow you to take the amount paid into the house since the date of S (perhaps not the taxes and interest, but the amount towards the principle for sure?)

I think only you can decide if the benefit (how many thousands does it take) makes it worth the fight... which costs how much??

Someday it will be over.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5747 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
stillinshockx2
♀ Member
Member # 28638
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the replies everyone.

We are in Virginia, which bars spousal support to a party guilty of adultery. He still won't admit the adultery or even that he lives with OW, but he does and hopefully my old proof from the PI will be enough on that.

I filed for CS and then agreed to accept the amount he has paid towards DD's car payment, splitting gas for DS, and splitting both kids' car repairs. If he had to pay me CS, with the difference in incomes and the credit he gets for paying their health insurance, it would be a very small amount, and hopefully I break even with the agreement we have now.

I plan on making a spread sheet, etc. However, during our discussion last night, he balked at the concept of giving me any credit for the almost 3 and 1/2 years of paying all mortgage payments, repairs, etc. I feel that I protected his investment, and gave his children the ability to stay in a home that they knew and loved. I think a court will give me some monetary credit for that debt service, but I just have to see whether the attorney fees are worth it.

We are getting an appraisal, and maybe with time he will rethink his demands and be reasonable. I do not want to cave to his demands, but I do not want to pay lawyers $20,000 just to pay him $10,000 instead of $15,000.

Editng to add - At least as of last night, he is not agreeing to repay all that he put on the credit card post S, or to repay the $ he took in excess of the amount of his paychecks deposited into the account post S. He says "I always took more than I earned, because you made more." I calmly explained that, after the date of separation, he was not entitled to do that anymore. He is such an asshat.

Again - UGH!

[This message edited by stillinshockx2 at 4:23 PM, July 8th (Monday)]


Me: BS, 48; Him: WS, 52
DDay 1 - EA (denies PA) 6-13-05
DDay 2 - EA (denies PA) 3-30-10
DDay 3 - 8-04-10 WH living w/30 yo OW2; still denies PA despite PI proof and won't admit he lives with OW2
2 children (D20, S18)
M 25 years; together 8

Posts: 321 | Registered: May 2010
devistatedmom
♀ Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, I get that you don't want to spend a ton on lawyers, but really, it doesn't have to cost that much.

The law is, in any place that I know of from listening to everyone on here, that no, his claim to the equity in the house ended the day of S. So since he has paid nothing for 3 years his claim on equity ended 3 years ago. You go with the appraisal from 3 years ago.

He ran up debt after S? His problem, not yours. Law.

You don't know you will have to litigate. Honestly? Doesn't sound like he has the cash to litigate against you. Just go to a L, with all your info, and have it all written up legally. Have him served with it, and see what happens. He will grumble...but I'm betting he will just think if he threatens, you will back down, and he will get to keep it all. When he realizes you aren't backing down, he will.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5405 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know that you just want to be done with it. Here's how I looked at it:

I could either be divorced with more stuff, or divorced with less stuff. Either was, I was going to be divorced, but having the stuff is way more fun than not.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7504 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
damncutekitty
♀ Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wait for the appraisal and then talk to your lawyer about how best to proceed. It could be that there is no equity.


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49464 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
Phoenix1
♀ Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 12:42 AM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just recently got an appraisal, but before that I had a home inspection done and HVAC inspected because I knew they were older. I "kindly" pointed out all known issues to the inspector (not everything is readily visible). I provided those inspection reports to the appraiser. The goal? To get the equity reduced as low as possible! I am not using this appraisal for a refinance so it doesn't matter. The result? I spent less than $1,000 to have a formal appraisal that was $20k LESS than what POS thought it would be. That meant $20k less equity so I could offset other assets he wanted. WELL worth the ass ache...


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 22,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1019 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
Phoenix1
♀ Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 12:42 AM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry...duplicate...

[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 2:52 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)]


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 22,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1019 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't see spending $20K on a lawyer. The peace of mind that using a lawyer will give you will be worth the few thousand dollars that you will spend. He/she might protect you against things you didn't even think of!


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3276 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
callmecrazy
♀ Member
Member # 38765
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At an ABSOLUTE MINIMUM...he owes you back support for 3 years. If he has a shred of decency, hed realize he owes you for feeding, clothing and sheltering the children.
But, I agree w others about lawyering up. Did you ever file a legal separation or anything to give you a legal line for money arguments??

Posts: 279 | Registered: Mar 2013
Twitchy
♂ Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't forget. He can't afford a lawyer either. How is he supposed to fight you for what he thinks is fair?

Calculate what you think is fair, document it and say take it or leave it. In his position, with the smell of money so close, why would he fight for more just to pay it to lawyers anyway.

[This message edited by Twitchy at 1:16 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)]


BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot


Posts: 617 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
LisaP
♀ Member
Member # 15088
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The law is, in any place that I know of from listening to everyone on here, that no, his claim to the equity in the house ended the day of S. So since he has paid nothing for 3 years his claim on equity ended 3 years ago. You go with the appraisal from 3 years ago.

The market was in the dumps 3 years ago....too bad for him.

Additionally, you subtract 3% for realtor fees. Doesn't matter if you sell it today or 10 years from now, it is a loss that each party has to share.


Me BS

Divorced!

~Feel your emotions, but control your behavior~ Unknown


Posts: 2180 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Oregon
Topic Posts: 17

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