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User Topic: Should I stop snooping?
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This question ties into my previous post found here.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=500425

Because of snooping I found out what he says about me behind my back. It's very upsetting to me because I know it's all lies and that he's just a master at playing the victim and turning it all around that he did nothing wrong.

Today I check on his Twitter again and he told his friend that he's getting ready to leave for work and having "separation anxiety." His friend asks "from who, wifey?" (because I love being called "wifey") my husband responds with "Hell no...she could care less."

This pissed me off. Let's see why I could care less, shall we? Could it be because of the way he treats me and the kids? No, it can't be that because "he does everything around here and we don't appreciate him." Could it be that he ignores me and still keeps his secrets and lies? No, it can't be that because he's an adult and he doesn't need to "check-in." Could it be because of his cheating? No, it can't be that either because "it's not as bad as what other people have done" and "he didn't realize what he was doing was wrong."

He's just turning this all around on me again.

So, my question. Should I stop snooping? I know for a fact my marriage is over so there's no real point in it that I can see. I doubt I could use any of it in a divorce anyway. I only continue to look because I feel that while we are still together I should know what is going on under my roof. Unfortunately, by my continued snooping it only hurts me to read what he's saying. Logically I know I should stop because then I won't hurt, or at least I won't hurt as much.

Because of my snooping I've learned that he's dropped $500 on the new Xbox that comes out in Nov instead of repairing my car. He spends money on servers for his video games. I've learned all the lies he's said about me. There's more, I just don't remember it all right now.

I don't know anymore. I guess I'm just trying to apply logic to an illogical situation.


*ETA - He says I could care less. Well, in response to that comment, I asked him through sobbing tears if he cared about me and he said "I don't know, I haven't thought about it." So why should I care? Why should I be the only one working on the marriage?

[This message edited by simplydevastated at 10:48 AM, July 8th (Monday)]


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5832 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
Dawnie
♀ Member
Member # 26912
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you are divorcing him then why continue to hurt yourself seeing these nasty comments of his? Give his sorry ass a hard 180 and try to detatch from him. You are only touturing yourself over a man you know you are done with.

(((Simply)))


DIVORCED! Remarried to a real man!
BW (me) - 41 (now 46)
WH (him) - 43 (now 47)
OW - 23 yr old foreign gold digging whore looking for her American meal ticket
1 14 yr old son (now 19)
married 20 years/together 25 years
D day - 9/23/2009 5pm

Posts: 800 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Mid Atlantic coast
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dawnie, as of right now we're not divorcing only because I'm unemployed. Once I'm back on my feet I'm putting all my checks aside to pay for it.

You're right, I am torturing myself.

[This message edited by simplydevastated at 10:50 AM, July 8th (Monday)]


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5832 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
SoVerySadNow
♀ Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's disrespectful at the very least.
I'd ignore him on all fronts except the divorce details and even that can go through attorneys,


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1280 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As long as you live in the same house with him and have joint finances,I wouldn't. Try to detach so the comments aren't so hurtful..but keep an eye on him for your protection.

(((((SD)))))


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7142 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your opinions.

As of now we haven't had the divorce talk. It's just something that I know in my heart I want.

As far as finances, they aren't joint. We never had joint accounts with the exception of one checking for rent and utilities and we had a couple joint credit cards. Those are all closed. He uses the joint checking and I don't have access to it. I know, I know...

.but keep an eye on him for your protection.

^^This has been my way of thinking and why I've keep watch for so long. But I don't think I can use any of it anyway. I'm not sure.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5832 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How is it 'joint checking' if you don't have access to it?

(I'd keep snooping for financial info, if I were in your shoes.)


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9768 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you are continualling pain shopping, and I think you should figure out why you do it. It's not just the snooping, it's the continued engagement with him. He's horrible to you. He keeps you under his control financially. Your marriage is over. You are only biding your time. What he does and what he says is as relevant to you as what Mike Tyson says about the reproductive habits of dolphins.

Back away. 180. Everytime you engage, you are inviting him to hurt you. You know how it stops.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6306 | Registered: Jan 2011
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Knowledge is power. I know how much it hurts, but he has got all the power here, so why not have a little for yourself?

I don't understand why you couldn't file and get a temporary spousal support order if he has all the funds.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17158 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How is it 'joint checking' if you don't have access to it?

It's joint as in it has my name on it.

Rebreather, I keep checking because I feel I need to know what is going on under my roof. If I didn't I wouldn't know that he spent $500 on an Xbox instead of repairing my car. It's not like he would tell me anything. He doesn't. So I feel I have to find out for myself. If I confront him then he'll know I have access and he'll change all his passwords then I'll know nothing.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5832 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
MystiKay
♀ Member
Member # 36401
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you have a car? I would get access to that joint checking. Your name is on it,so at the very least you need a debit card. Of course if you do that he might stop using it...but if it has your name you need access to it.

I know it would be hard, but if you are in the states, most states offer extra help for women and your kids. Doing research into what the programs are doesn't mean you have to use them. It would just be extra knowlege you know?

I would personally keep snooping, that way I would know what is going on. I know it hurts, but work on the 180 and keep up with what he is doing so when the time comes, maybe filing will be easier?


Posts: 281 | Registered: Aug 2012
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((simplydevastated))) I think you need to take a break as others have said and just focus on YOU and your kids. I wouldn't even snoop, just protect yourself *ahem by being celibate*

Do you have any friends you can spend time with that can be your emotional support in the meantime? Even a women's group.

Keep looking for that job, my thoughts are with you. Visualize that exit and take it. A new and better life awaits you simplydevastated


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh simply...I hear ya on this one. I snoop at my ws web history because its all I've got to prove what he's up to. If I.didn't see it, I would have never known what he's doing. I.look just about every day...call it self mutilation of the soul or call it keeping a step ahead. I would continue if I were you because he doesn't have your best interest at heart. He keeps you in the dark and that's not good. Somedays it hurts Moe I know and I.know those pissy comments about you are bullshit but you need to see for financial reasons what he's up to. I hope you can get away from him soon if that's your plan..he sounds mean. How bout if its Twitter that he lies about you, then try and not look at that stuff because it doesn't benefit you but the place your getting the other info, check out. Just a suggestion. Hugs to you..I'm so sorry.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 4738 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad you asked because I've been wanting to tell you to stop but I didn't want to appear harsh. You need to funnel your energies into getting yourself emotionally healthy, financially stable and out the door--divorced. Checking up on his extracurricular activities becomes an addiction--I know; I had it.

Keeping an eye on financials is a completely different story; you need to focus on this; if you are on the accounts, you need to have access-period. Do not let him bully you; do it as soon as possible. He sees you as a pushover; disabuse him of that notion right now!

You can do this, sd; I have faith in you.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 19806 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FF, Even if I did that it doesn't mean he'll pay. He doesn't pay his bills now. I know I could go after him fire it but that's spending more money I won't have on courts, or if he's arrested for non-payment I still wouldn't get the money. I'm not making excuses, I'm just seeing the way things would be because of how he is now, kwim? He owes me thousands of dollars from before we were married and he never paid me. He owes a lot of people money that he's never paid back.

MystiKay, Yes I have a car it just needs a lot of repairs (shocks, oil leak fixed, brakes) I drive it locally, not on highways in case anything happens. I don't want to be traveling at high speeds. He did give me a debit card a while ago but because of his budgeting skills we were receiving several over the limit notices so I still couldn't use it. Now all statements and notices go to him electronically.

Yes I'm in the states. I looked into welfare and the amount the afford I was eligible for wouldn't cover rent. I don't think I can get anything while I'm married.

crazyblindsided, I'm already there. The last time we had sex was 3 yrs ago. I have one friend and she had so many medical issues that I don't to add to anything. She was almost hospitalized this weekend

Thank you. I keep looking every day

Ostrich80, that is my plan. Unfortunately, Twitter is where I get the other information as well as his two email accounts. Twitter is how I found out about the xbox purchase and the gaming server. I can't access his Skype account or his laptop.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5832 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh I see, well just put on your thick skin before you see I guess. I put a var in my ws truck and heard repeat..I hate that fn bitch over and over about me. No matter how you feel about them it still stings. That was the last time I listened...now I know...he's not who he pretends to be. Hang in there..I'm rooting for you!!


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 4738 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow Ostrich80, that's messed up. I'm sorry. I'm actually waiting for him to say that about me.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5832 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh but he tells me he wuvs me to my face, so that makes it all better
also hes one of those ranters.I knew I would hear something cuz he talks to himself when he's mad...


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 4738 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow! Two-faced at it's best. I sounds like we're in the same boat. I hope you have an exit plan in place


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5832 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
Topic Posts: 19

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