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User Topic: Did your age factor into your decision
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Partially. I realized that we both were heading into the golden years, and I could not envision myself playing nursemaid to him because he was so mean to me. I did not want to waste the rest of my life catering to a cruel, abusive bastard who did not love me. I wanted to have some measure of peace & happiness for whatever remaining days I am blessed with.

Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011

Posts: 9829 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
♀ Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me it wasn't so much age as it was my health and my love for who I thought he was. I loved the man I married but he was just a mask that my xnpdwh created to suck me in. But at the time all of his cheating came to light I was very ill and afraid I would not be able to live alone. I stayed hoping that he would at least try to deal with what he had done and to fix our marriage. I probably would have stayed if he had not raised is fist to me and threatened me. I will NOT ever tolerate a man hitting me.

DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1210 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Texas
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As I healed, I no longer cared about how I could hook another relationship. I only cared about what was good and right and healthy for me. I realized I would prefer to be alone forever, than be in an unhealthy relationship of any sort. Then my age no longer mattered at all.

This sums it up well for me. I feel totally fine being by myself with my 2 kiddos. I stay because I really do love the man I married cheater and all. I hope he can change for the better because if he doesn't then that wasn't our deal and I will be swiftly kicking his behind out the door.

BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes age hasd a lot to do with my decision. Our lives are so.meshed together, his family, my family, friends..etc. I'm not afraid of being alone, in fact I kind of like it and it can't be any worse than the loneliness I feel with him in the same bed as I. I'm not someone who has to
have a man to feel complete but sometimes I look at couples and wonder if I will ever have a connection again with someone. My thought and feelings are all over the place lately. I don't get lonely being alone, I get lonely being ignored I guess. The age thing has more to do with health issues. I'm scared of not having his much needed insurance
As nature girl said though, when I think of us growing old together in this dead relationship, I don't want to take care of his cranky ol ass anymore than I want to depend on him taking care of mine. He's not been the most compassionate man and the thought of him assisting me through illness, makes me want to run. I had my chance when we S 20 yrs ago and I let him come back plus added more kids. I won't say I wish I hadn't for the obvious reason but I made a mistake by not expecting more from him..nothing changed.
Shoulda, coulda, woulda..story of my life
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank

Posts: 5141 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
♀ Member
Member # 16652
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Age may have been part of the reason, I was 49 on dday. But more importantly were the number of years my H had been a good, trustworthy H, which was nearly 30 yrs. We had too many good yrs invested to just walk away.

It's not really a fairy tale 'till the witch is deposed and a few dragons are slain

Posts: 1787 | Registered: Oct 2007
♂ Member
Member # 31656
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I divorced my first wife for cheating on me when I was 27. We were married for only 2 years. I didn't think twice about it because we had no children and because I was young. I never looked back.

My second marriage was different. We were married for 15 years and had 3 children when I found out about her affair. I struggled for over a year to make the decision to file. I kept hoping to see remorse and a real effort...but sadly, never did. I would have stayed with her if she would have stepped up and did the heavy lifting.

The children were a major concern but one of the main reasons I struggled to make that call was my age. I was now 49 years old and loved being married. I didn't want, and still don't want be alone for the rest of my life.

Me -BH 48
Her-WW 40
D Day #1 9/09 (found out about friendship, she promised NC...she lied)
D day #2 1/11 (found out EA on going...she lied)
D day #3 4/11 (found out EA was a PA...still lying)
M 16 years, 3 kids
Divorced - 1/13

Posts: 106 | Registered: Mar 2011
♀ Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On Dday 1 - I was 50 y/o, had 28 years invested in the M, and hadn't worked in 15 years.

6 months later was Dday2 when I learned the cheating went back to the beginning of the M.

Abruptly those 28 years looked less like an investment and more like fraud perpetrated on me. I considered what was likely to lay ahead if I let him come back and rug-sweep as he wanted. And I took off the rose-colored glasses and I took a really hard look at what lay behind me. A really hard look.

As to someone to grow old with, or to stand by you as you declined in health, I realized that had only ever worked one way. And if he died before me - I'd end up alone anyway. My mom has been alone for 14 years.

I am blessed to have two great kids and a gk. I raised them in the country, homeschooled them, we had horses. Much of my dreams for family had come true - I'd just pick poorly as to a mate.

Now D'd and 55 - money is tight, the yard is way too big, but I am growing comfortable in my own skin again. I took my first vacation in 30 years - I snorkeled in the Caribbean!

I don't know how much time I have left on the planet - none of us do. But I am grateful that I have an opportunity to pursue some other dreams now. That would never have happened otherwise. I'd been emptying myself, pouring my love into a broken vessel that had no bottom and no means of ever returning it -- that's no way to live.

[This message edited by Take2 at 4:44 PM, July 8th (Monday)]

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4135 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Take2...what an inspiring post. I've lived most my life basing decisions off of fear...what if..needs to be removed from my vocabulary. Good for you..hope to be where you are one
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank

Posts: 5141 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
♀ Member
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes my age played a part. Also the length of our relationship, the fact that we both wanted to find out why our marriage was such a mess and what we had built together. I spent many years at home raising kids, while he was doing the Army thing, that at this point to start over is too hard.

Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1647 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
♀ Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I remember after d-day thinking that I was only 25 and was "too young" to get a divorce.

Now I look back and think that 20 was too damn young to have gotten hitched in the first place, LOL.

Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49482 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
♀ Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My kids ages (all under 10 at the time) and the amount of years invested in the marriage (almost 10, pretty much my adult life) allowed me to briefly convince myself that I could stay with an unremorseful jackass.

I was 28 on Dday. That's possibly a whole lotta years with him if we were to stay together until death did us part. I couldn't handle that thought with what was going on so my mind went to sticking it out until the kids were adults. Soon after I was only sticking it out until I got a job. But it got so bad so fast that one evening I knew that it couldn't even be one more day. He had to go. I don't think my age had anything to do with my decision at that point. I just needed him gone. ASAP.

Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
♀ Member
Member # 35004
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Definitely. I was 3 months away from my 61st birthday as well as our 33rd anniversary. I had retired and the thought of starting over at this point, on top of everything else, was too much.

I do have to say, it didn't mean I'd be a doormat. He's doing everything he can to help me heal.

We did discuss what may have happened had I discovered this when it began. I would have been 54 and working. He seemed startled when I told him there is a good chance that I would be gone. At least he knows that it's not a given that I will stick around no matter what he does.

BS - 62
FWH - 60
Married 34 years
D-Day 2/12/12
Doing well with R

Posts: 1052 | Registered: Mar 2012
Topic Posts: 32
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