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User Topic: Sex attitude survey
OnceInALifetime
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Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 6:42 AM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm wondering if my attitude around sex is overly puritan. So, a little survey.

1) How many dates must you go on before you might have sex?

2) What meaning do you give your first sexual encounter with someone? Is it a statement of love? Or simple pleasure and excitement?

3) Do you have different attitudes towards sex depending upon the long term potential of your date? In other words, if your date is hot but you're otherwise not really interested, will you have casual sex? Do you wait longer to have sex if you see long term potential?

4) Do you ever initiate when it comes to suggesting sex? Or make not so subtle innuendos?

5) Is first sex with a new partner planned mutually in advance, or does it just somehow happen due to the right mood being in place?

6) Have you ever had sex at the end of a date, when going in you really weren't thinking along those lines?

7) Do you always discuss what sex means to you before having sex with a date?

[This message edited by OnceInALifetime at 7:03 AM, July 7th (Sunday)]


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
cayc
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Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since I'm up early so I can work out before watching the men's Wimbledom tennis final (do I live an exciting life or what???), I'll bite.

1) What must be in place for you to have sex? Feelings of love? An optimistic feeling that you might one day love this person? Simple lust and attraction?

Lust and attraction plus the optimistic feeling.

2) How many dates must you go on before you might have sex? (Be honest)
Based upon my current beau, the second day of our first 3 day date lol.

3) What meaning do you give your first sexual encounter with someone? Is it a statement of love? Or simple pleasure and excitement?

Pleasure and excitement and admiration. By admiration I mean the same thing when I said above that optimistic feeling. I have to really think I like them as a person and will continue to do so.

4) Do you have different attitudes towards sex depending upon the long term potential of your date? In other words, if your date is hot but you're otherwise not really interested, will you have casual sex? Do you wait longer to have sex if you see long term potential?

No casual sex in the sense that I won't sleep with anyone just to have sex. I have to like the guy and be thinking in terms of the guy staying around for awhile. So while physical aspects matter in the sense of attraction, if I'm not into his mind who cares what he looks like b/c I'll have zero sexual interest. I have to be into him to want to touch him.

5) Do you ever initiate when it comes to suggesting sex? Or make not so subtle innuendos?
I've done both, it just depends on the moment.

6) Is first sex with a new partner planned mutually in advance, or does it just somehow happen due to the right mood being in place?

Both.

7) Have you ever had sex at the end of a date, when going in you really weren't thinking along those lines?

No. Again, the mind thing. I'm connected mentally to my dates before the actual "date" happens. If I find myself on one of those dates - I don't like him, don't want to be there, don't know him well enough to know if I like him - then sex will never happen.

ETA: this is why with OLD I do A LOT of emailing, texting, calling before meeting. IF you make it through the 2-4 week gauntlet of that to actually meet me in person, then I'm mentally in. (Unless who you are verbally is much different than you you are in person like that guy who I had long involved discussions with then I turn up at his house, he can't look me in the eye, say a word, argues with me over a work test I just failed implying it was my fault that I didn't know a crucial piece of information, and then says let's get dinner which means let's go to the grocery store, I'll buy food and you cook it lol).

8) Do you always discuss what sex means to you before having sex with a date?

No. Sometimes before, sometimes during.

There's a theme in my answers. I have to be mentally into the guy. When that's there, I'm much more open sexually.

[This message edited by cayc at 7:14 AM, July 7th (Sunday)]


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3124 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
Amazonia
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Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 7:12 AM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1) I like them, I want to have sex, and I know they're clean.
2) depends
3) it's just sex. I guess it would depend on the individual, but...it's just sex.
4) I have two general experiences - within committed relationships, or ONS. The motivations are completely different.
5) yep.
6) I generally know whether or not I'm going to have sex with a person beforehand, but I don't discuss it with him
7) nope
8) within a relationship, yes ONS, no


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13801 | Registered: Jul 2011
SBB
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Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1) I go with the flow, if it feels right it happens.
2) Simple pleasure and excitement.
3) Yes and No. I've had casual sex with lots of cute and dumb no futures. I don't 'wait' X dates for someone I really like - I wait until the right moment per answer 1) above.
4) Yes. As a woman its kind of like shooting fish in a barrel. I'm not really into innuendos.
5) I would be mues creeped out if it was pre-planned. See answer 1) above.
6) Yes - I generally don't go on a date expecting to get laid. I have found a direct correlation between nanna undies and getting laid. I hardly ever get laid when I'm wearing my nice undies.
7) See answer 5 above.

To me its just sex. Bumping uglies. The horizontal tango. IMO it is a form of self expression, like dancing. It is supposed to be fun - analysing it makes it about as sexy as a visit to the dentist.

Perhaps I'd feel differently if I saw sex as a sacred union between two people. I see intimacy as that sacred union, not sex. Two very different things. I've had great sex where there has been no intimacy. I've had great intimacy where there has been no sex.

When you have both - its not about waiting X dates for sex, its about building on that intimacy and not rushing it thereby creating a synthetic version of that intimacy via sex. Sex does not equal intimacy. IMO lots of people get this part wrong.

What are you afraid of OIAL? Rejection? Performance? Intimacy? Or are you wound up like a spring? You don't have to answer here but I would encourage you explore this a little. I may be way off base I but I honestly get a sense of fear when it comes to your encounters with the fairer sex.

I hope you've pursued the dancing - getting comfortable in your own skin will help quell the uneasiness all of this stuff brings out in you.

[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 7:47 AM, July 7th (Sunday)]


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
OnceInALifetime
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Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SBB, I'm wound up like a spring. Also, I'm not a nervous date initially, but I have trouble imagining a woman wanting me *that* way, so if I feel desire, I freeze around that and it doesn't get expressed.

It is rather like dancing. There's something fluid and improvisatory that I lack. As well as the leading role that men are expected to take. Whether learning to dance would somehow translate to feeling more at ease with expressing desire, who can say?

I'm a case of arrested development. By my age, men who've led normal lives have had more than one partner. The women I date aren't wanting to be with a wet behind the ears boy. Sort of a catch 22 for me.

I asked these questions because I need to convince myself that women are sexual beings. That they like sex, have fun with sex. That it's not taboo. That I can *go* there, that I'm even welcome to go there.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
I.will.survive
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Member # 34677
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OIAL, your last reply hits home for me. My SO got married at 22 and his wife was his first.

They were married 16 years and she developed a sexual problem involving pain so for 3 straight years there was no sex.

Fast forward to his divorce and he felt like you did. But he thinks like a girl and needs the mental connection and intimacy. He did have sex with 2 other women in the last year, but for as many dates as he went on...he could have had plenty more experiences. He just needed to know he wasn't "broken" know what I mean?

So for you, maybe it's a combo of arrested development and need for mental connection.

For me, I am not a serial dater. I choose one and focus entirely on him. That's my comfort zone. I married the last guy I did that with. Had sex on the 3rd date.

The man I love now (although I just broke it off with him because I'm not sure about marrying him) I told him I wanted to wait. Yeah...that lasted 3 dates as well. So for me, it's a feeling of intimacy that we've already created before sex. Sex isn't just an act to me. It is sacred and I don't share my body easily. I have to have the feeling we are going to be in a relationship where I feel secure.


Posts: 530 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: east coast
SBB
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Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're not wet behind the ears. I wouldn't want to be a 20 somethings' "2nd" anything. Its very different with someone who has spent a quarter lifetime in the same relationship.

Being on the dating scene after a 10 year hiatus I've noticed quite a big difference in how people in my pond have sex. Most have had long term relationships so the sex is different, charming, quite lovely actually.

Have you never been the aggressor in a new relationship? Maybe that's what is freaking

Yes, women like sex. There is nothing sexier than confidence - not sexual confidence but self-confidence. Someone that likes themselves is as important as them liking me.

I've had lots of partners but I'm still a novice when it comes to any new partner IYKWIM? I don't have a cache of 'moves' on my go-to list (not for them, anyway ) but I'm just more comfortable with exploring this new terrain.

ETA

I have trouble imagining a woman wanting me *that* way

Do YOU want you *that* way? Sounds like a weird question but it is really important that you dig you too, y'know.

[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 8:44 AM, July 7th (Sunday)]


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
gahurts
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Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OIAL,

I seems to me like you are pushing yourself. Both with the dating and now worrying about when, if or how to have sex. WHY???? Why rush it? What is it that you are actually looking for?

For me, sex is the next step along the intimacy continuum. Certainly not the first, prefereably towards the end. There has to be love in it for me or it is just empty.

For me, there has to be friendship, then intimate discussions and getting to know you on a very deep level. Learning her mind. Letting chemistry develop. Then the idea of sex can come in.

It is OK to not move forward on a sexual plane. I know I am quite old fashion but there is nothing wrong with letting a relationship grow at a pace that is comfortable for both of you. Let it happen. Don't try to force it.

I love reading your posts and I've noticed a pattern develop that I think others have mentioned. You seem set on the end goal. I know what that is like. I want the same thing. But I know that in order to get there, I need to take a step back and let things happen at the right pace.

I M'ed xWW within a year after we started dating. I was focused on getting that family unit back together after my 1st D and just drove ahead. BAD CHOICE!!! I let so many red flags go by that should have been deal breakers.

Try to relax on the dating front. Give the women a chance to show you what they think of you, rather than you deciding that for them. If it is meant to be IT WILL HAPPEN!! And in the end, no woman who cares about you will think twice if they are your 1st, or 2nd or other.


"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie


Posts: 3432 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
inconnu
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Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I ended up in a relationship with the first man I dated after (cough*during*cough ) my divorce so my answers may not be applicable.

I don't do casual sex. There has to be some sort of connection. It might not necessarily have to be long-term, though. I went into the first weekend with now-SO hoping for more, but okay with the thought that I might just have that one weekend with him.

4. I don't know if I would initiate or not (not much dating experience to go on) but with SO I made it clear I was interested in sex. We were both coming off of a long, dry spell on the bus. I don't know that subtle would be accurate.

5. it's an LDR. we planned our first weekend.

6. not applicable in my situation

7. I can't say always, but I did with SO. We had a lot of rather frank discussions as friends, before we decided to take the leap into more than friends.

oial, as far as your attitude towards sex goes, you are who you are. The number of partners a person has does not necessarily correlate to someone being a good lover. I think the more woman a guy hooks up with, the more chance it is that he's not a fabulous lover (there's an "all about me" message in that, imo). Otoh, someone who has only been with one other person can be a sex god, because he's really into the woman he's with, and really into sex.

Attitude has a lot to do with it. Being comfortable with yourself as a sexual being is important. If you're thinking you're overly puritan, then it sounds like you're not that comfortable about sex. To be blunt, unless you want to go without sex for the rest of your life, you need to figure out a way to deal with this. And the sooner the better. Because you're not going to attract the right woman if you come across as neurotic about sex.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12167 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
cmego
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Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1) How many dates must you go on before you might have sex?

I don't count the dates. It is more...when it is right. For me, it needs to be understood the relationship is monogamous.

2) What meaning do you give your first sexual encounter with someone? Is it a statement of love? Or simple pleasure and excitement?

First? It is more like...let's get this one over with, so pleasure and excitement. I think the first one is a little nerve wracking, then you just kinda give in to the pleasure.

3) Do you have different attitudes towards sex depending upon the long term potential of your date? In other words, if your date is hot but you're otherwise not really interested, will you have casual sex? Do you wait longer to have sex if you see long term potential?

I don't have casual sex. I did that in college a few times and it just doesn't work for me. I need to feel an emotional connection to someone to have sex with them. I would...again...wait until we agree that we are monogamous..t.hen game on.

4) Do you ever initiate when it comes to suggesting sex? Or make not so subtle innuendos?

Hmmm. Well, the last guy I dated with any seriousness I suggested the first kiss. But, I don't suggest sex until I'm further into a relationship.

5) Is first sex with a new partner planned mutually in advance, or does it just somehow happen due to the right mood being in place?

Both.

6) Have you ever had sex at the end of a date, when going in you really weren't thinking along those lines?

Nope.

7) Do you always discuss what sex means to you before having sex with a date?

Yes. I have told guys that sex = monogamy to me. Wether I'm having sex with them or not, I think guys need to know this about me fairly early on. If they are looking to bump uglies with no strings...I'm not your girl.


Bottom line, everyone has different attitudes around sex. I very much enjoy sex, but for me, I need an emotional connection and a commitment to a guy...I've always been that way. I am open to talking about it with a guy I'm dating, even fairly early on. I'm not a prude at all, but sex means something to me, but I have girlfriends who are perfectly good with one night stands. To each his own. I protect my beliefs, and if the guys doesn't match them...well...he isn't my guy.

When I'm in a relationship, my attitude totally changes about sex. I can have it constantly, I"m open to trying new things, I initiate, I play and have fun with sex. It is strengthening my bond to the guy, so I want to make him happy...and it feels great.

But, you don't get ^^^^^ until I'm...secure.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4186 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
missherlots
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Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you must stop comparing yourself with anyone else to see if you are right or wrong.

You should look inside and decide what is your moral value and act on it.

Every time you mention about hot or it is not dating potential (or anything among does lines),it really makes me angry because it looks like you are in a meat market.

In my eyes, you have not learn anything about compassion and love for others beyond the conditioning of your self. look beyond you Ego and make an opinion of a person with no presets or expectation. We all are mess up in someway, but find the beautiful on it and take a decision with time not by looks or criticism.

I am sure you have great qualities and defects, and so everyone else.

You need to give yourself time to know the person. You can not judge by one date. People get nervous or worry about the settings, but you immediately disqualify anyone because she is not hot or whatever.

You really need time alone and, I mean alone? stop thinking about dating. You are not ready.

Let your heart and being flow naturally and it will happened for you when you are ready. If you keep forcing it, you will continue being disappointed.
You are asking who does what and when. that make me think that you are not sure what you want.

Sex is like anything else, normal and satisfactory but also means something profound and intimate. it is a connection with the person in the most profound way of intimacy and giving. Can you relate to it?
or can be fun and very human (satisfactory).

I, in my case, can have both with no conflict. I can have a relationship with someone and not been with anyone else because I am a one woman man, but if I am single with no relationship and in adult agreement with someone else, I can do it with love and respect but not intimate connection.
the Question is : do you like to have sex or you want to make LOVE to someone?

it is up to you if you open your mind and look inside.

my two cents


Pain and suffering is part of life, but I choose to feel love and compassion for all people excluding no one.

Posts: 96 | Registered: Jan 2011
OnceInALifetime
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Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you never been the aggressor in a new relationship?

My XW courted me aggressively. The closest I've come was with a date I got pretty hot and heavy with since the D. She made it clear she was interested, which made it terrifically easy to go for that first kiss, and the second, and the third (excuse me while I stroll down memory lane...)

It never led to sex, but that's a different story. But to answer your question, no, almost no experience being the aggressor.

Do YOU want you *that* way?

My sense of body image is not terribly consistent. In a very broad sense, I think I look pretty good for my age. But my self-evaluation varies, depending on how attracted I am to my date. When it's just me and the mirror? I'm generally OK with myself.

ETA: maybe this was meant more broadly than body image. It is a weird question for me to answer. But no, I don't see myself as particularly sexy.

gahurts, I hear what you're saying. Patience ain't easy after such a long dry spell. But I also think I've attached some sort of mystique to sex, and that's warped my dating life because expressing desire is hard for me.

misherlots, I'm glad you are an enlightened sexual being. Of course looks matter to me. Are you saying they don't matter to you? Other things matter as well. I'm not so shallow as you accuse me of being, and don't appreciate the judgment.

[This message edited by OnceInALifetime at 10:58 AM, July 7th (Sunday)]


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
gma56
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Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The way I was after my first divorce in my early 20s is completely different than as a single 57 yr old. I'm answering as I am now.

1) How many dates must you go on before you might have sex? It may be a long time before sex.
There won't be sex unless there is love involved. No casual sex. My past experience with casual sex was satisfying but only for a short time so I will wait.

2) What meaning do you give your first sexual encounter with someone? Is it a statement of love? Or simple pleasure and excitement?

Statement of love but the pleasure and excitement will definitely be a part of the love making.

3) Do you have different attitudes towards sex depending upon the long term potential of your date? In other words, if your date is hot but you're otherwise not really interested, will you have casual sex? Do you wait longer to have sex if you see long term potential?

No casual, it does nothing for me. I will wait until I am feeling what I need to feel for the man involved.

4) Do you ever initiate when it comes to suggesting sex? Or make not so subtle innuendos?
Hell yes to both questions. When I'm comfortable and love someone, I'm definitely not so subtle.

5) Is first sex with a new partner planned mutually in advance, or does it just somehow happen due to the right mood being in place?
I've had both planned and not planned but again it wasn't casual.

6) Have you ever had sex at the end of a date, when going in you really weren't thinking along those lines?
Not since my D.

7) Do you always discuss what sex means to you before having sex with a date? Yes. The meaning/act of sex is very special to me so I do tell in advance that I don't do casual.

I won't compromise my beliefs for a short time of pleasure because it hurts my self respect more than how good it feels for a few hours. JMO.

OIAL- There are many women that love casual sex, ons, and fwb so you can always have it anytime. if they aren't into it then they will say no. The question is, can you handle casual sex ? No strings ? You are a very passionate man, can you have casual and not feel anything ? Can you not fall in love if it's fwb on going affair ?
Only you know the answers but I know me and it would screw with my head and emotions too much to settle for anything less than I want and expect. I want the whole package and if I'm blessed to have a special man in my life again, then it will be worth the wait.
Hugs and it is hard to grow up when we are suppose to be the adults.


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. That is priceless.

Posts: 20383 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Closer to where I want to be..
cmego
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Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Overall, I think men are more focused on looks than women are. My ex was certainly not the best looking guy I ever dated, and I totally overlooked what I didn't find physically appealing because I did like his personality. On the other hand, if I had found nothing physically appealing about him, I wouldn't have given him a chance either. We all have our likes/dislikes about the opposite sex.

In my experience, and talking with men on OLD, men can be very blinded by how a woman looks, and not see beyond the "pretty exterior" until later in the relationship.

I say men are distracted by a paint job and forgot to check under the hood until the car suddenly isn't running any longer.

I think OIAL is exploring his own view on sexuality, and questioning them. Introspection is always good. It is always better to question yourself than to question others...so I think you are on the right path of figuring yourself out. Your beliefs. I think what missherlots is trying to say is that when you become comfortable with your beliefs, you will feel more in charge of your dating life. And, now, you are taking the time to explore your beliefs and ask questions. I think that is great.

If you aren't attracted to someone...if there is NO spark when you meet...then it may never develop. I've done a lot of "first dates only", mostly because something turned me off...not necessarily because I wasn't turned ON. Rude to waitress, for example. That guy didn't have a shot in hell with me the second he was rude to the waitress. Or the one guy who drank like 6 beers. Total turnoff for me. I'm not going to give him a second chance, I don't care how nervous he was...it is a deal breaker for ME. I don't think men think this way. I've only had one guy who didn't ask for a second date, and I'm assuming it is because he didn't find something physically appealing about me. OK. Next.

Did I tell those guys why I didn't want a second date? Nope. I just said I wasn't feeling a match and wished them well.

SI is a good place to come to ask questions of the opposite sex. Great cross-section of people/races/ages.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4186 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
InnerLight
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Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am different now than when I was young and promiscuous. Back then sex was simply a way to connect, and even men who were hard to connect with could be reached through sex. Back then I was the aggressor 50/50. I thought I was ok with casual sex then, and while it was special I didn't give a lot of meaning to it, at least consciously.

Now that I am older I feel differently. I have only had one sex partner since the D so I can't claim a regular pattern about sex with different men. I can only talk about my SO and me. For once I wanted the experience of a slow dance romance and that meant waiting what for me was a super long time before having sex. 7 dates! We had a serious exclusivity talk beforehand and talked about what we meant to each other and what sex meant. It was more than just attraction and excitement, tho I'm not sure I would say love because even after 7 dates we were almost strangers still. But there was a lot of feeling of respect and honoring for each of us because we both waited longer than either of us had waited before. This sense of mutual respect has been clearly felt throughout our 3 years together.

I will never initiate sex with a new person again...or if I did it would mean that I was depressed or anxious and had no confidence in the man to like me enough to make an advance. (That comes from just knowing myself-not a judgement on other women who initiate sex). For me to feel good with a man I have to see how he does make a move towards sex and if I enjoy his advances. I have no problem giving a guy signals that I am receptive so he isn't lost wondering if he has a chance. It also feels good to give a man space and time to express his feelings for me. I've also learned that this makes for way hotter sex for me.

This has helped me as our relationship continues. Recently I felt a lack of romance. I shared what I felt. Initially he kind of froze when he realized I was unhappy with him. I didnt go on about it but left him space to Get us back on track. Within the week he surprised me w a dozen red roses, an appreciation card, and a special dinner date at a fancy place I've been wanting to try for a year. He really got us back on track feeling romantic and close again.

I think how you treat eachother in early dating repeats itself over and over in a relationship and sex is often one of the first really big negotiations.

When I was young I thought that sex wouldn't be that sexy when you were middle aged but I was wrong. At age 52 It is the most mind-blowing ever!

[This message edited by InnerLight at 12:07 PM, July 7th (Sunday)]


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5863 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
missherlots
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Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dear OnceInALifetime,
Please accept my most sincere apologies. I did not mean to get across in the wrong way.
In the contrary of you being shallow, I think you are over concern of not hurting anyone's feeling; but, you are forgetting about yourself.
Just be in the moment and let go the controls. enjoy life as it present itself. Be you and recognize every feeling and thought. it will give you an inside of what you need. Do not judge your thinking.

let your being and moral believes guide you. I am doing the same myself and it works.

I lost a very important person in my life (so) again, and I am healing but not rushing. It will come again by itself when I am ready.

I walk the walk! Just be patient and life will give you everything you need.

again, you are loved here my lots of people including myself so, don't think you have not love. you just don't have a partner.

my two cents.

Just for the record: Im not gay!!



Pain and suffering is part of life, but I choose to feel love and compassion for all people excluding no one.

Posts: 96 | Registered: Jan 2011
OnceInALifetime
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Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just got back from a long run, so feel a little more clear-headed.

I've been sexually frustrated, and that's exacerbating the problems that arise from my rather fuzzy view on sex. cmego is right. I'm reevaluating what sex means to me. Part of me just wants sex. Lust is a natural drive, and now, in the warm weather, I'm especially feeling that drive.

I feel somehow immoral about treating sex casually, though I can't claim to have any coherent arguments for why casual sex would be immoral. In fact I'm somewhat jealous of those who can do that. Maybe it's the feeling of using someone, and being used, that feels empty and therefore wrong? But if there are no expectations other than lustful fun, what's so bad about that?

I question whether I'm capable of casual sex from an emotional standpoint. Might be in part related to the morality issue.

missherlots, your last line cracked me up. I reveal too much of myself here, so I can get prickly if my underbelly feels in danger of getting stepped on. You make good points; I agree I cannot be so goal driven. I've become impatient.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
better4me
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Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My answers parallel cmegos. And I think she says it better than I could!

My first husband was my first sexual partner. My second husband was my third. Since my divorce 2 years ago, I've had 2 sexual partners (got close with a couple of others, but no cigar ) I have a tendency to bond really strongly with my sexual partner and that isn't a safe thing for me to do emotionally unless I know it is a safe thing to do. I don't know exactly what makes me feel safe, but it is a period of several dates, feeling a connection mentally as well as physically, and being able to envision a relationship that may last with the person. I've tried it the other way, tried to view it as a casual encounter and I just can't...it was fun, it felt good but it messed with my head too much...In a relationship I've had sex that wasn't "making love", and sex that was...and both are great!

So I now know this about me: I love sex. I love it best in a committed relationship. I'd like to be with a man who likes sex better in a committed relationship too...

I think your attitude about sex is really just fine OIAL...in fact, I think your attitude about sex is kinda sexy


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3213 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
million pieces
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Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OIAL,

I think we may have similar views on sex. While I wasn't a virgin going into marriage at 27, I had only 3 other partners, all in long term committed relationships. Most of my friends were the same way or less experienced.

I tried casual sex w 2 guys after I was separated for months. Honestly, they weren't people who I would have wanted to be in a relationship, so I felt a bit icky afterwards. Not horribly icky, but enough to know it wasn't for me.

When I met my current SO, I knew he was a guy that I would want to date. We had spoke several times on the phone, and as we were set up by a mutual friend, I knew about his background. When I met him for the first time (I had no pics of him), I remember just loving his smile. He was not hot in any true way, but his smile just had me. And then we had sex the first night I thought for sure I screwed something up, he thought I was a whore, etc. I never expected him to call me again. Well, he did and it has been over 2 yrs later and we are still going strong. We joke about my loose morals on the first date, I tell him I was just testing his morals and he failed

I don't know what I'm trying to say here (as usual) but I did/do think that I should wait for a connection. In the past, when I have not, I didn't feel good afterwards. If I ever go back to dating, I will wait until I know the guy and feel a connection.

And like others have said, I do envy others' view about casual sex. It seems so less complicated. My SO sure has that view, thank goodness.


Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 12
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1267 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
SoHappyNow
♀ Member
Member # 8923
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm really glad you asked these questions, OIAL.

1. No set number - I'm much more of a "follow my gut" than a planner type person.

2. Always pleasure and excitement and with my now SO, it was an expression of just budding love.

3. I have no idea what the future holds, but no casual sex in this brave new world of stds....

4. Yes and yes to initiating and non subtle innuendos. At my age (64), times a wastin'.

5. With my now SO, he got a hotel room for us to use after an out of town event, but he made sure I understood that the sex part of the night was not mandatory on my part. But yeah.....I was looking forward to getting off the darn bus after almost 7 years!!

6. No.

7. Not in my distant past, but my current SO brought it up before we did the deed, because he wanted to make sure I knew that he was NOT into casual sex and that he needed to feel some love before he was willing to get nekkid with anyone.

He has a very refreshing view about hot or not also.....across several conversations and situations he steadily holds to the "how you look is only the wrapping paper on the real valuable present inside" viewpoint. That's very good for me, since I would not be considered "hot" by too many males, I don't think.

t/j to Inner Light: at 64 and 61, my SO and I agree that neither one of us has EVER had this much fun in bed! It's kind of like a second teenagerhood for us - so just know that sometimes God saves the best for last.

[This message edited by hit-by-a-train at 4:40 PM, July 7th (Sunday)]


In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer..Albert Camus

***Used to be hit-by-a-train***
Remarried 2/14/14


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