Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: ThomasD (45459)

General Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Did you confront OP or tell their spouse?
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks....but Missouri is not one of those states. It appears it is just a civil offense anyway...$2,500 max limit. Even if it were 1 million dollars I don't think that would be worth it...too much grief to prove what? that I am hurting? that what they did was morally wrong and intentionally hurtful to innocent men women and children? Hardly need a court to validate that. Plus, HIS wife could turn around and sue my wife...it is just a negative cycle better left not entered.

I really mentioned it because my aggravation is that his actions would have no affect on his custody of his kids. My actions would have been used to prove that I was somehow unfit to be a Dad...that is the part of this that is maddening with regards to the law.

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
yogaga1
♀ New Member
Member # 36922
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had no desire (and continue to have no desire) to ever talk to OW. She did try to call me a few times and even attempted to email me, which I promptly deleted without reading!

Her BH on the other hand- I am forever thankful to him! I tracked him down and called him a few days after D-Day and while I felt horrible hearing his heart break over the phone, he was very appreciative of the call. I didn't so much care about blowing up OW's world as I did about letting him know the facts!

Anyway, over the next several days, we worked together to piece together the REAL timeline of the affair based on evidence we had and were able to confront our spouses with so much information, there was no way they could TT us anymore. It was the best decision I could have made in the beginning of that mess and I would 100% do it again.


BS: Me
WH: Him
DDay: 12/24/2011
In R as of: 3/2013

Posts: 37 | Registered: Sep 2012
Runninggirl
♀ Member
Member # 9973
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wrestle constantly with what to do regarding MOW's husband.
They have 2 school age children and very young twins.

I know FB isn't going to give a 100% accurate story, but his page is public. I found it intending to contact him to tell him, but from his pics he looks like a very active father and doting husband. I cannot know for sure, but it looks like he is as cluless as I was.
He has no reason to think she is anything other than a loving wife.

I am so torn. Especially since many of their messages focused on -I chose my husband, but regret letting you go everyday....blah blah


Shock has worn off. Now the 'fun' begins.
After several years of solid R, (F)MOW
CHECKS IN in to say Hi~ H CHECKS OUT briefly and "forgets to tell me" because IT HADN'T gotten
physical this time. 4 months out again same MOW

Posts: 2852 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: The Valley
hangingontohope7
♀ Member
Member # 20024
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I contacted OW#1. I wish that I hadn't. I asked for details. She changed her story so many times that it put doubts in my mind and made things very confusing. Some things she said I could prove were out right lies but still they would creep up and make me second guess everything. She had a husband at the time of the ONS but had since divorced him. Through some investigating I found out that he had some arrests for drinking and assaults so to protect my family and my STBXWH, I didn't contact him.

I also contacted OW#2 via facebook. That was more just to let her know that I knew about her and promptly blocked her. I didn't want to hear anything that she had to say. I had seen enough in the text messages. She has a girlfriend that she is stringing along. She mentioned her a few times in the texts but I don't have a name so I can't contact her.


Me: BW
DDay #1 Tried R
DDAY #2 Divorcing

Burn everything love then burn the ashes.


Posts: 247 | Registered: Jun 2008
tryingmybest2011
♀ Member
Member # 32584
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wrote to all three OWs. They're all single, so no BS to tell.

Things got heated with the LTA OW. Can't believe I wrote that stuff.


BS: me - 37
WH: him - 37
DD: 8
DD: 11 mos

Married over 9 years, together for 18.

DD#1: 12/12/10 - LTA of 3 years, 2 mos.
DD#2: 02/02/11 - 2 EA/PA with coworkers, a month after the LTA was ended (by OW).

In limbo.


Posts: 323 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Ontario Canada
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't ruled it out.

I certainly have fantasized about it. Though I realize it's my SAWH's poor choices that put all of us in this situation, I'd love to make her look bad to her boss and co-workers (SAWH and she both think they had everyone fooled).

But is that going to make me feel better long term? Not really. Maybe just momentarily. If that. Nothing is really going to make me feel better at this point.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
Jospehine85
♀ Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told the BH because I thought he had the right to know he had been exposed to STDs. He was INCREDIBLY grateful. MOW had dumped him 2 months earlier.

He had been gaslighted and blamed for the state of their M. Now he felt no compunction to help her out financially.

WH heard from MOW within hours of her BH informing her that she was on her own.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 915 | Registered: Jun 2012
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Interesting Josephine85...it can often create a reason for OP to contact WP. This is why I think I have held off. Plus, I want to have the power of deciding NOT to contact/acknowledge other idiot.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"You know that in some states you can sue the AP."

This is very difficult to do successfully. I looked into it as I am in a state that has this law on the books. You have to get your spouse to testify that your marriage was intact when the affair started. This was not the case for me. However, I had reason to believe that it was due to other reasons (WH was on antidepressants).


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
OldCow18
♀ Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just before I confronted WH I sent a PM to MOW on Facebook. She never responded and it pisses me off to no end that she hasn't apologized as we were friendly before their A.

I said, "I know everything. You are a disgusting human being. If I decide to tell your husband I will let you know to give you the chance to tell him first with some decency as opposed to the way I had to find out. You have destroyed my family and probably yours too. Hope it was worth it."

As it turns out, it was her husband that read the message first so I killed 2 birds there.

[This message edited by OldCow18 at 4:15 PM, July 8th (Monday)]


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I confronted MOW through my WH's FB then when I discovered that their A was actually PA and that I had been in false R I exposed it to her BS.

I basically expose it to whoever will listen. I'm not shy

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 5:30 PM, July 8th (Monday)]


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Jospehine85
♀ Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Interesting Josephine85...it can often create a reason for OP to contact WP. This is why I think I have held off. Plus, I want to have the power of deciding NOT to contact/acknowledge other idiot.

Ooh. Let me clarify. MOW was pissed off at WH and coming unhinged that he did not control me and stop me from "hurting" her BH.

WH knew I told her BH and that he was grateful. It gave him an opportunity to see EXACTLY how she had been playing her BH and why.

The contact reinforced WH's new realization that OW was a MISTAKE.

If you are afraid that one contact from OW is going to take your WH away from you, then your WH is not doing the things necessary to R.

Frankly OW contacted my WH a total of 5 times after she was sent the NC. letter. The first was a response to the NC email telling WH he was an a$$hole and to have a nice life. The second was the contact I mentioned above. The last 3 were drunken pleadings for him.

If the OW want to make contact, they will find a reason.

I think if you are afraid of OW, you have even more reason to tell her BH. Let him control her.

[This message edited by Jospehine85 at 6:15 PM, July 8th (Monday)]


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 915 | Registered: Jun 2012
scared&stronger
♀ Member
Member # 15942
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did you contact OP?

Yes I did before D-day to just feel her out and then after D-day to let her know where I stood and what she stood to loose physically if she continued to interfere with my life.

Did you contact their spouse if they were married?

I didn't know who he was. I asked a mutual friend to have him call me. He did, we met, compared notes and formulated a plan to blow them out of the water together. They are now divorced and he is engaged.

Whiich route did you choose?


I used all avenues at my disposal including telling anyone who would listen including all her friends and family that she used their homes for having sex with fWH


WS 45
BS 43

Met when we were 17 and 15. Together since 1983, married since 1985. Two kids, B21, G15.

d-day 4-3-07

Life has a way of making us get our panties in a wad.....I refuse to wear panties ever again.


Posts: 3976 | Registered: Aug 2007
DriveMeCrazy
♀ New Member
Member # 39767
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I confronted her, and she was a nasty b***h and was lying her a$$ off. My husband got to see her for what she is. If I had not seen text messages and heard her vm left to him I might have believed her.

But even knowing the lies, initially I let her get to me.

We had a decent conversation once, but even then she was crying to me about how much she loved him. But she apologized...only to call me several weeks later telling me some crazy ish, blatant lies that I am not sure how she thought I would believe her...

My H told me that she doesn't communicate well and has little education, so when she talks when mad she makes little sense. And that is how she sounded.

Even with the lies and craziness, talking to her did confirm what my H had told me. So it still helped, but not in the way she had hoped.

I only recommend talking with the AP if you already have solid proof, because you never know what you will get.


I am the BS, his LTA lasted almost 5 years. Ended immediately on dday. In reconciliation.

Posts: 25 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: DriveMeCrazy
RightTrack
♀ Member
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 11:34 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I responded to MOW's desperate email to my WH, wanting him to reconsider the break-up. I stumbled upon it innocently and was shocked but I wrote to her that she could have the lying sack of shit. The two of them then teamed up on me to lie that it was just an EA. When I found out otherwise I called her to tell her that I was calling her BW. In a moment of weakness I let her tell him herself. He emailed me (Jesus forgives stuff) so I followed up with an email to him to include all the details I thought she might have left out.

Posts: 631 | Registered: Sep 2012
RightTrack
♀ Member
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 11:36 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

she doesn't communicate well and has little education


this is classic


Posts: 631 | Registered: Sep 2012
DriveMeCrazy
♀ New Member
Member # 39767
Default  Posted: 12:14 AM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RightTrack...Omg right!!!! He cheated with a girl complete.opposite of me. Granted, she is a pretty one outside, but she was just nasty.

She talked foul, referenced me tasting her lala we'll call it, tried to say my husband went on a 2 week cross country vacation with her (I would have noticed if he was gone for a night, let alone 2 weeks!) When I laughed at that she said he lived with her...um, ok...I am pretty sure I would notice that, too...said she was late stage pregnant, then she had an abortion, he never knew she was pregnant (but said he was living with her? Haha ok) said she broke up with him because he wouldn't leave me (but text messages revealed he had ended it with her, before dday, and she had been quite pissed texting him "you dump me cuz you felt guilty gettinG p*==y" and going on and on about her whole life was him and she wanted him "heart, mind, and body" Those messages were hard to read, but helped me piece together the reality from her fantasy...in the end, I blocked her from contacting me. Her stories were crazy! I could keep going, she is a mess!

So I do believe my H about the uneducated communication lol. It is kinda sad, really. He said it would be like arguing with someone who is mentally handicapped...there was a text he sent a friend commenting how he didn't understand how stupid she was and that she seems like she should live in a cage...but yet he risked our marriage to be in an LTA with that?!?!?


I still look at him sideways for that. But she idolized him, did whatever he wanted her to, while I am educated, independent, and can handle my business. I am a corporate chick, she strips between shifts at Walmart...just very different.

[This message edited by DriveMeCrazy at 12:20 AM, July 9th (Tuesday)]


I am the BS, his LTA lasted almost 5 years. Ended immediately on dday. In reconciliation.

Posts: 25 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: DriveMeCrazy
Arnold01
♀ Member
Member # 39751
Default  Posted: 6:58 AM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did not confront the OW or tell her H. We had just moved out of state, so the only way the A was going to continue was via texting/Skype/phone. Once I found out, my WH called the OW right away to tell her they'd been caught. She was going to wait until the weekend (four days) to tell her H, and she was really worried that I'd tell him first. Turns out she was so scared that she told her H that night, and he insisted on NC. So that was that. Of course now my WH feels that there was no closure on the relationship, and he's told me it would have been easier for he and I to start working on us if they had ended it on their own (instead of because the OWH made them) or if they'd had a fight or falling out. So I'm dealing with his heartbreak, but at least for me it helps a lot to know I took the high road. I want to be someone my kids can look up to for having values and ethics, and I guess throwing a bomb into someone else's marriage and hurting their four lovely kids by telling the H wasn't in the plan. It would have felt great at the time and believe me I thought about it, but I would have had to live with that for the rest of my life.


D-Day: June 2013 discovered two-month EA/PA
NC established: August 2013
Reconciling

Posts: 121 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 38
Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum: General Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.