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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: what color is the sky on your planet, waffle?
roughroadahead
♀ Member
Member # 36060
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It feels like until detachment is complete, I am in this mindfuck. Waffle texted me to get the case number for our divorce so he could sign up for the parenting seminar. I couldn't get my head around that. "Hey defendant, it's me, plaintiff. Do you have the case number again?"

I texted him about logistics of him picking up the kids for his summer parenting time. I get a text back about his freaking bike, how he busted the tires, but luckily he could use the ones from blah-di-fucking-blah..
Next day, I get an unsolicited update with how he did for time on his ride, and some chit chat about the Tour de France. MOW not into biking?

He talks about divorce like he's totally detached from the process. But I still get the cake eating chit chat. Yes, NC, but it isn't helping me detach.

He wanted to withdraw the D and go back to legal S. Except he refused to meet my conditions for that to even be on the table.

A friend notices I don't wear rings any more (that's been a while) and then says she's sure she's seen him with his on (our kids are in the same swimming class, we alternated weekends). I've never seen him wear it, does he wear it around town at random? If so, why??

I know detachment and time will help. I just need to try and process all this in a way that helps me move on. At least he doesn't love bomb me.

[This message edited by roughroadahead at 5:08 PM, July 6th (Saturday)]


BS-Me 30s
WS-Him 30s
D-Day 4/2012 (Insisted EA only)
D-Day 5/2012 (Did I say EA? Ummm..)
Numerous other TT/broken NC d-days until S 1/2013. D settled 11/2013
MOW-coworker, 40s.
2 DS and DD all w/autism

Posts: 707 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: USA
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So he is contacting you but you're not responding at all?

He will stop it.

He can ask for what he likes. You don't need his permission to divorce him.

I'd also ask your friends/family to not tell you things about him. THIS has helped me enormously - it cut off a lot of those last grubby tentacles.

Have you told everyone what is going on? If not, I would. The secret is not yours to keep. Nor is the shame.

I told everyone on DD. I see its not the advice usually given here because it does make things awkward if you do go down the R path. But the thing is - if there is true remorse and if both parties are willing to do the work then the awkwardness/shame would not matter.

You may not be being loved bombed (be thankful for it) but it does sound like you're being hoovered a little

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=480828


Sending all of the love and strength I can muster to Phoenix1 and her family.
"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal."

Posts: 4573 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Housefulloflove
♀ Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"He talks about divorce like he's totally detached from the process. But I still get the cake eating chit chat. Yes, NC, but it isn't helping me detach."

Are we divorcing the same dummy? I got the same matter-of-fact messages about the divorce and chit chat about random crap that I care nothing about like we're BFFs or something. I stop responding to the chit chat and I think he's starting to get that I don't give a shit because he stopped giving me daily updates from the Land of Delusion.

(((roughroadahead)))Detaching is so bitter sweet. It's bitter because it becomes clearer and clearer that the relationship is truly over but sweet because it's freedom from the effects of a person who emotionally functions like child.


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
roughroadahead
♀ Member
Member # 36060
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fortunately, I don't have one single family member in this country, and actually neither does he. We only really have the one set of truly mutual friends (others have moved, or they're his now), the one who asked the odd wedding band question.

I do not respond to chit chat texts, but the chit chat still reminds me of the old life. That's what I mean by not helping detachment. The cycle seems to be absolute NC for a while, then the ice is broken by some logistical thing, followed by chit chat.

Also the first post-S wedding anniversary is on the horizon, right around the time of the first D hearing.


BS-Me 30s
WS-Him 30s
D-Day 4/2012 (Insisted EA only)
D-Day 5/2012 (Did I say EA? Ummm..)
Numerous other TT/broken NC d-days until S 1/2013. D settled 11/2013
MOW-coworker, 40s.
2 DS and DD all w/autism

Posts: 707 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: USA
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 12:55 AM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The cycle seems to be absolute NC for a while, then the ice is broken by some logistical thing, followed by chit chat.

It stops when you say it stops.

In the early days I had a confidant vet his emails/sms' and only pass on to me the bits that needed responding to. That way I wasn't subjecting myself to the rest. They not only caused me pain but kept me locked in this vicious cycle and derailed my healing.

Sometimes we need to reach a fever pitch of hurts before getting to this point. Mine happened early on - after I closed the door on the house for the very last time he sent me a text asking me if I was sad at all and telling me he was sad, he had some "fantastic" times in that house.

All I could/can remember is crying in every room, feeling trapped by its walls and suffocated under its beautiful 10ft ceilings. All during those 'fantastic' times of his where he was betraying me and our family over and over again. With infidelity, with detachment, with tension, with cruelty and with emotional abuse so subtle that I really was the frog boiled slowly.

That pain was my fever pitch and I set about removing myself from his cross-hairs that very day.


Sending all of the love and strength I can muster to Phoenix1 and her family.
"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal."

Posts: 4573 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Topic Posts: 5

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