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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Red flag or me being oversensitive?
mountainmomma
♀ Member
Member # 34388
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your further messages and support I'm struggling with this alot for some reason

Later

He has earned it. It feels to me like  he dosnt  think he has any heightened duty to help me feel safe with him, well to me anyway. You're right. 

Knightsbff

Wow...If my partner thought as you do then I doubt the shop scenario wouldve happened. I so wish he did, as standard and normal as breathing, things would feel much better for me. That's so, so supportive towards your BS and I'm sure helps them feel safe with you, that's lovely and is definitely Self improvement. 

I'm glad you've got to a place where you can hear your bs's constructive criticism as you say and not take it wrong, again that helps us so much amazing. Again if my ws were like this I'd feel much safer (I don't feel safe) he is defensive, defiant, attacks, perhaps it's his ego?. Whatever it is about him is a problem for R and causing further irreparable damage. 

It worries me too that I'm still dealing  with him at this level, now, some 3 years on. These to me are BASICS that should be well in place by now. I expected more of him overall, had more hope for him. 

Hopefulromantic

I would feel my boundaries were crossed and someone was invading my space if a stranger (male) had done that to me too. 

He's trying to be friendlier towards me today, I get the impression he's just not thinking deeply enough about this or other stuff ad it's not important enough to him, to me i feel further disrespected by him and it's got to stop or I'm just allowing myself further abuse and mistreatment. Not a good role model for my 8 yo. I Won't continue to R if this dosnt stop, the stress is bad enough. 

My phone signal is very slow in the field today, apologies for taking time to respond.

Sorry for the ramble, i love you guys.  Thank you so much.
MM
Xx


Me 37
WS 42 (Mitty)
4 kiddys 9,7,4 &20 mths no5 due August 14
seeing hookers, NSA sites, escorts, anyone willing from 07/08 (i didn't know)left to do full time with no restraints 2010 Returned home march 2011 in R DDay 2.4.2010 OW 30+ age 18-60

Posts: 180 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: U.K
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I were the mother of the boy in that scenario I would have felt that my boundary had been crossed.

Honestly, I just cannot get past this and how annoyed I would be if I were trying to reign in my spirited child in public and some grown man tried to be cute with me.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6721 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Garnet
♀ Member
Member # 39070
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are not over reacting!!! I used to love how friendly and nice my husband was to everyone!!! NOT ANYMORE!!! Boundaries , need to be inplace at all times after this shit!!! And your husband needs to understand and respect that!!!! Don't back down you should ignore him not the other way around!!


Garnet☀

Posts: 84 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: MA
Zayda1
♀ Member
Member # 35387
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH would,and still does this team of thing. Harmless fun. Except he forgets that it isn't harmless. He doesn't know what that other woman is thinking.

And y and, I do agree that your husband undermined that mother's authority with her son. I would not have been impressed if this had happened to me.


Married 9 years, together for 11 years
2 children (7 years & 4 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12 (It only lasted a "couple of weeks" but it still shattered my world.)

Posts: 465 | Registered: Apr 2012
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mountain momma- just want to say how sorry I am. You've been given some great advice.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4881 | Registered: Dec 2010
crazycatlady
♀ Member
Member # 12849
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not overreacting at all. We all have been changed by infidelity whether we wanted to or not.
Your husband must realize the pre affair him is unacceptable. It is a sobering feeling when a fws realizes just that.
Until he gets it, he can't be remorseful. The post affair marriage is far different place. I hope he figures that out for your sake.
Good luck.


Love all, trust a few. Do wrong to none.
William Shakespeare "All's Well That Ends Well"
D-Day: Nov 30, 2006
"For I have sworn thee fair, and thought thee bright, who art as black as hell, as dark as night."
William Shakespeare

Posts: 1713 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Etherville
Louise2011
♀ Member
Member # 33383
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I were the mother of the boy in that scenario I would have felt that my boundary had been crossed."

As a mother of two preschool boys, this also was what jumped out at me. Totally innapropriate ubdermining of parental authority in a public space filled with hazards.

Not.Funny.at.ALLLLL.... Pure annoying all around.

Not a huge deal in A repair, but something to address.

:) Louise


Me: BW Him:fWH M 5 years July
DDay: Sept 4,2011 to Oct 3rd (Continuous NC Breaking)
2 DS's - almost 2 and 3.5 years
"All I have in this world is my balls and my word - and I don't break them for no one." Tony Montana, Scarface
&

Posts: 195 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: British Columbia
mountainmomma
♀ Member
Member # 34388
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jana, garnet, zadya, Rachel c and crazycatlady

Thank you so much for your continued support, it's so so comforting to me right now. Reading your replys (and sll the replys) helps me know that I'm not overeacting, which he try's to make me feel I am if I limit my convos with him. 

Ccatlady

The post A marriage is a vastly different pplace, I don't think he understands that at all. I believe he sees the changes as me trying to control him, when they are simply the new terrain that he created and dies not want to abide by, understand or help create with safety. 

This morning he was trying yo be affectionate, so different from the other day, it felt to me empty, rugsweepy, lets be nice now kind of swaying toward on his part. He noticed my reluctance and said he needed to revive my heart is it dead? He asked. It's dead I replied. He changed to the it's all the consequences of my actions state and semi moping and feeling sorry for himself, there's been minimal physical contact for days now non sexually. I can't bring myself to be intimate with him, I feel if I do then um cheapening my self respect n self worth by being vulnerable like that. 

Something deep inside me has snapped and "died" for want if a better word. I feel I have to do something else but am nit sure what?. To try to hammer home to him I can't do this anymore, live like this, with him not getting it. 

What's really eating at me is he did this in my company, I felt so disrespected....the lure and attraction fir him maybe even unconsciously? Was so overwhelming he did not think before he acted, chose nit to reign himself in and needed that validation and attention from other women, boundaries be dammed. I just want away from the danger zone from the danger I see him as. I don't want to split the family and I equally cannot, just cannot live like this and do this any longer- supposedly R'ing with him not getting it. I've been on the verge of tears all day today, it was my sons 4 th burthday party today & his actual birthday tomorrow, im trying very hard to keep it from this, its hard. I think this on some level this last incident might well be the straw that broke the camels back. Part of me feels like R is over, no longer worth pursuing after a culmination of things over this year, and in general with him still being like this after being back for 3 years.  I just know if I don't do something then I'm just setting myself up for the next fuck up on his part, something I dont want to do. I feel lime a caged animal not knowing which way to turn. I don't normally get into such a tizwas, but it's affected me on a deeper level this shop incident and the implications and further damage he is causing by the incident and his behaviour afterwards. 

Thank you for listening to my frustrations and feelings. 

MM
Xx


Me 37
WS 42 (Mitty)
4 kiddys 9,7,4 &20 mths no5 due August 14
seeing hookers, NSA sites, escorts, anyone willing from 07/08 (i didn't know)left to do full time with no restraints 2010 Returned home march 2011 in R DDay 2.4.2010 OW 30+ age 18-60

Posts: 180 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: U.K
crazycatlady
♀ Member
Member # 12849
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry you are in such a situation. Have you seen a therapist? You might want to, it sounds like you have fallen out of love or are suffering PTSD or both.
Funny enough, the other night I told my fwh that our pre affair life was negated, ruined by his actions. I could tell it hurt him deeply but I was being honest.
They will never truly know the damage they have done. Good luck and keep posting.


Love all, trust a few. Do wrong to none.
William Shakespeare "All's Well That Ends Well"
D-Day: Nov 30, 2006
"For I have sworn thee fair, and thought thee bright, who art as black as hell, as dark as night."
William Shakespeare

Posts: 1713 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Etherville
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MM - Whenever I read your posts, they just seem to scream sex addict! All of the things you describe are hallmarks of sex addiction. Without serious work, this just doesn't get better. They do whiteknuckle it for periods of time but the entitlement, poor boundaries, narcissism that you are describing is characteristic of sex addiction. Have you done any reading on this? He had sex with over 30 prostitutes. Has a porn obsession. Has poor boundaries with women. All red flags.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He would have gotten the stink-eye from me! That is definitely flirtatious, attention-seeking behavior.

I used to see it in the X long before the A; one time he cut his hand deeply while we were camping-so deep that it needed stitches. He was practically fainting; I had to load him into the truck and find the hospital. I practically carried him inside (he was 6'2", 250 lbs and I'm 5'4", 130 lbs.)

He was at the triage station and I was giving the nurse his medical and insurance information. She put the wrist tag on him for ID, saying, "I have to put this bracelet on you", and he smiled in a sappy way and said, "But we haven't even been introduced." I wanted to smack him!


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20133 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
HopePrayWait
New Member
Member # 39756
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had a similar convo with my H the other day in light of A. I said I'd never liked their (his and OW) proximity and her being in his personal space. And that was just what I saw. Total disrespect for her spouse and me. But H is more of a social person, more of a hugger and so on, so I tried not to think too much of it....should've trusted my instincts. The other day a friend dropped by and he was watching TV with kids, shirtless. After about five minutes he was like, oh let me put a shirt On for you. I said later he didn't really need to be drawing attention to himself that way, would he have said it to a guy friend or his sister....no. It's the equivalent of me drawing attention to my body, like oh this thong is killing me! He has a lot of work from a very basic level to do,with how he interacts with women.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jul 2013
mountainmomma
♀ Member
Member # 34388
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the continued messages of support, theyre really helping

crazycat lady - yes I am in IC, have been since last oct/nov, im working many things through with her. it helps. I aggree our pre affair life was negated.

Missy momma

Yes the SA subject has been one ive raised before, he "looked into it", did an online questionairre, did tick some boxes (many boxes at the height of his acting out), read a bit of a forum for a couplke of weeks, found a local SA support group, never went, does not think he is a SA. This was one of the things that I've stated id like him to REALLY look into, Ive read lots about it and th9nk he leans/leant that way, regardless he has not delved deep to help me heal regarding this subject. His style of infidelity was sefinately more SA, our relate counsellor said the same when I went to see her on my own after he gave up going to joint sessions back in 2010 when he left and was with many many women. The whiteknuckling you describe....it's what I feel he is doing sometimes, you know id actually feel MORE safe if he was just vunerable, honest put his hands up to stuff even if it is SA and admitted his problems, PA/SA/IA/CA etc and I saw him dealing woth them on a deeper level. THAT would show me courage that he is willing to stare in the face his issues and FACE them, i'd ceartinly have more respect, as it is a courageous thing to do, look at the shadow self and change it, feel it etc, insytaed of saying all is well all is well, im ok now, im safe etc, and when things like the sh0p incident crop up, his behaviour tells me otherwise.

Beacause he has chosen not to look further into SA stuff, do more IC, reading, listening to things on the internet etc is one of the reasons I do not feel safe with him. the big things for me that would help me move towards him he has not thrashed to the death so to speak, hence my demeanour and feelings.

sad in AZ

Im sorry your H behaved like that at the hospital, I have had similar experiences, and its very unpleqasant.

Hope pray wait

I said later he didn't really need to be drawing attention to himself that way, would he have said it to a guy friend or his sister....no. It's the equivalent of me drawing attention to my body, like oh this thong is killing me! He has a lot of work from a very basic level to do,with how he interacts with women.

Yes it's the unessesary drawing attention to themselves that is the problem isnt it, and the fact that if they did the same in other company (male/family) it would definately be seen as odd. He could of just got up and gone and put a shirt on, said nothing and come back in the room with it on, no biggie right?

Well were home from camping now, this morning he said hed been feeling anxious and having anxiety, but still nothing from him as to what he is GOING TO DO about this or how he's going to remedy/look into more to resolve etrc. I was ticked off this morning and for what it was worth, reiterated that he knows hes chosen not to fully address ceartin things, im tired of hearing "im sorry" "im sorry for everything" and to change the effin behaviour that warrents saying sorry. he said "its overused" (the word sorry) to which I reminded him it's Him that overusing it, if he changed what he did so he did'nt have to say sorry that would mean much more than keep hearing empty sorrys, beacause ive heard it so many times, it actually dosn't make the problem better. Im still processing the last few days events and thinking.

Thank you all for you words, and support, it means SO much.

MM
x


Me 37
WS 42 (Mitty)
4 kiddys 9,7,4 &20 mths no5 due August 14
seeing hookers, NSA sites, escorts, anyone willing from 07/08 (i didn't know)left to do full time with no restraints 2010 Returned home march 2011 in R DDay 2.4.2010 OW 30+ age 18-60

Posts: 180 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: U.K
crazycatlady
♀ Member
Member # 12849
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds like he is a SA and well, that's going to make any R very difficult.
Keep posting, there are so many people here who really care.
Good luck.


Love all, trust a few. Do wrong to none.
William Shakespeare "All's Well That Ends Well"
D-Day: Nov 30, 2006
"For I have sworn thee fair, and thought thee bright, who art as black as hell, as dark as night."
William Shakespeare

Posts: 1713 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Etherville
Topic Posts: 34
Pages: 1 · 2

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