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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I left him.
burnt_toast
♀ Member
Member # 16891
Sad  Posted: 12:46 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told my SO of more than 4 years last night that it couldn't work out.

We've been struggling with several issues. During the 2 last years, when my injuries would not get better, he would shut me out and I started to feel very alone. And then he started taking his anger in peskering me with details. Then there was the constant fights with the neighbors - lawyered up.

And all the huge stress that goes with that adding to the stress of dragging SO in MC and hearing everytime how MC was "creating problems", "expensive", "taking too much of our time". I feel trapped, I wanted this to work, he's a loving, charming, handsome, decent guy, we have a lovely home together, but I cannot live in the condo warzone anymore and I cannot buy antother property with so much couple issues.

I'm mentally exhausted. I started to get panick attacks in the last week and I've reached the point where all the mental and physical energy I have left cannot be used anymore in "fixing us" (or worse - "fixing him", which I apparently have a hard time mot doing). I have to redirect my energy on myself, while he has to learn to take care of himself - (my SO had a dysfuctionnal FOO and he's recreating the suffering he got there in our relationship and with others, yet he refused to get IC and argues he can fix it and I should help).

All of the options I have - face more of this or leave - are horrifing and panicking. I feel lost and terribly alone.

I'm spending the weekend at my parents, then moving temporarly in a relatives' basement.

I hurting so bad right now. I never could stomach upsetting or disappointing anyone. It was hard to choose myself and to stay strong as I watched him cry and tell me everything I wanted to hear (and had been asking for for months and always hitting a brick wall).

I never left a partner in my life. It is incredibly difficult.

Now I understand so badly why the BS has to do a 180. I need him to do just that - take his own well-being in his own hands. I cannot do it for him. I hurt too much, I'm too panicked and confused. Yet it hurts so much so see him hurting like that.

[This message edited by burnt_toast at 12:49 PM, July 6th (Saturday)]


It is what it is.

Posts: 4699 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Quelque part
jo2love
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((burnt)))


Posts: 35258 | Registered: Mar 2011
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry, bt.

I'm am really proud of how you were able to remain true to yourself throughout all of this. Sending you hugs and strength.


I bow to those who keep their hearts open when it is most difficult, those who refuse to keep their armor on any longer than they have to, those who recognize the courage at the heart of vulnerability. - Jeff Brown

Posts: 17368 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you on the difficulty of leaving someone after you've put down roots. The guilt sucks. My XW wanted to stay married, so I had to be the tough one.

Stay strong. If it's not right, you're doing both yourself and him a service by ending it.

Sorry, it ain't easy.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((burnt_toast))))


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25389 | Registered: Aug 2011
heartbroken_kk
♀ Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry

You are strong enough to be true to yourself. The hurt will pass.

(((((Burnt_toast)))))


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1186 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
MovingUpward
♂ Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((BT)))))


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 52213 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
WhiteWolfWinning
♀ Member
Member # 12475
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are here for you. Sending many hugs.
Wolf


Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply, Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God

Thank you, Lord, for the lightness of my burdens


Posts: 8233 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: midwest
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Bt))


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7659 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
burnt_toast
♀ Member
Member # 16891
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all the hugs. Some screen names I recognize with fondness.

Although my SO is a more decent man than XH was, I realize how much similarities between the two now... a childhood when they were crushed by a parent or never heard, being compelled to play the knight in a shiny armor, being oversensitive to other people's oppinion of them, shutting me out when things are hard instead of trusting me with their pain, blaming others for their feelings. This last thing, among others, is clearly outside my boundaries.

On my side, I'm realizing how much I've been again going out of my way to "fix" someone. I will have to work on that if I want to be at peace and happy in a future relationship.

I have been attracted by this mix of apparent strenght and fragility in my SO... this should have been a red flag, but I think I was still healing from the D and unconsciously, I was looking for someone a little broken so I could not feel judged for being broken myself. But as I was continuing IC, this evolved for me. I don't feel that need anymore.

Stangely, there is a blessing in disguise in all of this. It is giving me a lot of closure from my D. At last.

It still hurts.

[This message edited by burnt_toast at 9:54 AM, July 7th (Sunday)]


It is what it is.

Posts: 4699 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Quelque part
gahurts
♂ Member
Member # 33699
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((BT))))


"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie


Posts: 3416 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
missherlots
♂ Member
Member # 30591
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Somehow, in the process of trying to deny that things are always changing, we lose our sense of the sacredness of life. We tend to forget that we are part of the natural scheme of things.

Because of your smile, you make life more beautiful


Pain and suffering is part of life, but I choose to feel love and compassion for all people excluding no one.

Posts: 96 | Registered: Jan 2011
burnt_toast
♀ Member
Member # 16891
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's been texting me several times today. Pleading me to return. That he gets it. That he asked for help.

Ugh...


It is what it is.

Posts: 4699 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Quelque part
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((burnt_toast))) You did something incredibly difficult, and for which you should be very proud.

My mother wasn't big on advice. But the one piece she did give was this:

This above all: to thine own self be true.

It's something I'm only now learning to do. It's damn hard---but it is a tool that gets easier to use with practice, and it is incredibly liberating.

You did the right thing. For both of you, really.

I'm sorry it hurts.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8707 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
burnt_toast
♀ Member
Member # 16891
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello,

I've been moving out last week and having a rough time letting my emotions surface. All the changes are too harsh, I find myself shutting away from the reality of having no home and no partner.

I miss him and my home yet I know nothing have changed since I left. Why should I return? Head and heart sing a different song.

He called me last week to let me know he's had a breakthrough and that he's ready to go to IC. I told him he could'nt debreif therapy with me - I left him because I can't be his therapist. I don't think he gets why he has to do this on his own. Untill he does...

Oh gawd. This is easier than the pain of infidelity - yet it is sometimes beyond my limits. I miss my life.

[This message edited by burnt_toast at 7:39 PM, July 15th (Monday)]


It is what it is.

Posts: 4699 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Quelque part
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((b_t)))

You'll come through this stronger and happier in the end. I'm sorry you're hurting.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3363 | Registered: Dec 2011
jo2love
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((bt)))))

Posts: 35258 | Registered: Mar 2011
sheila0304
Member
Member # 25041
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry bt.
Your pain resonates with me. The pain of infidelity and now another heartbreak. Yes, I understand it feeling beyond the limit.
My mantra for years was "let go or get dragged" and sadly I've had to dust it off again.
((bt))

Posts: 1172 | Registered: Aug 2009
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((b_t))


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8440 | Registered: Apr 2008
MovingUpward
♂ Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 6:05 AM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((BT)))

I know that this is hard. And we are here for you. You will get through this too. So continue to lean on us as you need.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 52213 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
Topic Posts: 24
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