Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.
Yes, I would have been glad to not have to go through yet another d-day, the 6 months of therapy, hoping, wishing, the pain and anger.
But...then no. Because I am 100% positive I would never try again now. I think if I had left without trying...there may still be a small inkling in the back of my head somewhere...the "what if?"
"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings
I like the idea of making him work for it if he wants it. But, if history serves, he won't.
In the meantime, I'm still terrified of what I'll do if he calls. I've been strong in front of him, but I feel like I'm one more incident away from having to be committed.
[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 11:08 AM, July 6th (Saturday)]
I would have been better off in every way if I had listened and ran after DDay #1.
I would've been younger.
I would've still had my house.
I would've still had my retirement money and savings.
I would've been less emotionally damaged.
I regret every single chance I gave him.
You've done the right thing. He has SHOWN you who he really is, his default coping mechanisms, his default ways of reacting under stress. Believe him.
If he does a complete turn around and shows you he's a changed man, then you can always remarry him.
[This message edited by phillygirl at 12:42 PM, July 6th (Saturday)]
Edit: I think I'm saying the same as SBB, because I wouldn't undo my kids, but I can see where I should have left. I do not regret them, but I still acknowledge that I *should have left*. I wouldn't know what I was missing if I hadn't had the younger two (or any of them) but I certainly don't wish I hadn't had them. It's complicated.
[This message edited by Coraline at 3:56 PM, July 6th (Saturday)]
At first he was remorseful, broke it off with her, was trying to move mountains. But as the days went on and I had a few outbursts, he started to pull away, get cruel, and then started up the A again. That's why I left.
Sure, throwing away 10 years seems like a waste. It's not as bad as it will be if you have kids with him and he chests again.
I think he's made his choice. So what if he calls and asks for another chance, it will only last until the next time you get upset, or he gets upset, or it's a full moon, or whatever.
I divorced quickly and am glad I did.
You sound like you'd like to give him another chance. What would that be like? Always second guessing what he's doing, wondering if he'll do it again, wondering if he'll go back to her.
If I were in your shoes, I'd be less concerned about the initial A than the fact that he went BACK to her! Huh?.? That would be more than plenty for me. No more chances. You've already changed your whole life (moving, job, etc.). Your instincts are good. Move on.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. You deserve better.
Best to you.
I like the idea of making him work for it if he wants it. But, if history serves, he won't.
Sounds to me like he doesn't have what it would take for a successful R, then.
I, too, wish I would have immediately asked for a divorce on D-Day instead of wasting a month trying to convince him to pick me. Life is so much better when you only have honest, loving people in it.
Married: 11 years, no kids
The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo
For me, I had to exhaust every avenue and basically be hit on the head before I could finally end it "for real", because my mind would have searched for the rest of my life for the "could've's, should've's and what if's?"
However, once I started learning more, the door did shut, though he is so pig headed he may think he still has a chance.
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
But a bright light in all of this, is that all of those years made me stronger. As my IC has said, I will heal and be stronger because of my experiences.
Today would be my 6th wedding anniversary. I have been officially divorced for just over six months. I had one serious rebound relationship which wasn't good either but it did teach me a lot about myself. I have now been totally single for almost 4 months and I realize my rebound relationship was too soon. I am not looking anymore. I am living my life for me, and I am determined to not settle again. I am becoming comfortable being alone.
Would I change things? Yes and no. I wish I would have made better choices in my life. But, I also think now I have the life experience to ow know what I want and don't want. My life is pretty good now, better than it has been in years and I am happy. A year ago I never thought I would be saying that!
"And this above all else, to thine own self be true"
What I'm finding sucks about this is that my instincts tell me to continue doing what I'm doing and walk. If i can keep myself solid in that decision, it doesnt matter if he calls, doesnt, is with the OW now, wants to R, whatever. But to keep myself solid I have to remind myself of what he put me through. So I get to relive the betrayal, the horrible things he said, etc. Super fun.
When loneliness or doubt creeps in, I have to do the same thing: remember the horrible things he said in those last couple of conversations. Reflect on the lies, etc. Even though I asked for NC, in some sense, his silence and lack of support in general has been like a form of abuse. For the first couple of weeks he would just forward emails to me that showed he had cancelled this or that account, blocked my access to this online newspaper, cancelled vacation plans or changed flights. Friends and family called him to see if he was okay and he wouldn't answer or return their calls. He said nothing to my family or mutual friends.
That's why I like your advice, nomistakeaboutit. I like tough love. Yeah, from all appearances, he's made his decision. When I get comfortable with that, I feel even more solid and empowered. He wants to drop me after 10 great years, fine. I have no regrets and I'll be alright on my own.
It's just the prospect he could change his mind. That the fog could lift. But after all I have been through--not to mention my friends ands family-- so what. He doesn't just have to R with me, he has to R with about a dozen people who have been touched by this. And this was so unexpected, you're right... I think I would always live in fear and doubt. If he was capable of something this hideous after 10 good years and no one saw it coming, how could I ever feel secure again.
I think I just typed out my internal monologue of the last week :)
[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 11:03 AM, July 7th (Sunday)]
I gave R 2 years and it didn't work out. But at least I can look back and say with all honesty and certainty that I gave it all I could, that I left nothing on the table and I can move on. There will be no what ifs or regrets.
But that is just me. If I hadn't had a child I would have been gone the night I found out about the A.
BUT, for those of you who worked through a DDay or had what was ultimately a false R, do you ever wish you did what I seem to be doing by leaving right away?
Are you ever grateful that you gave them another chance, even if it didn't work out?
Do you think when they are broken, they are broken no matter what?
So this was a long way of saying sure I wish I had left sooner but looking back I am glad I took the path that I did because I came out of it a healthy and complete person. If you choose to leave now make sure you spend some time focusing on you. This shit sucks and you may not have any issues but you want to make sure you leave a complete person.
[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 9:36 AM, July 8th (Monday)]
But it seems that my gut instinct has been winning throughout all of this. I look back and still don't know how I had the courage to 180, NC, etc. in the middle of all of the initial trauma. I think, as some of you have said, I focused on his actions and they spoke volumes.
I remember looking at him when he was going through one of his blameshifting monologues (which was usually followed by a sobbing half-a apology) and thinking to myself "This guy is a mess. This is irrevocably broken." I just keep trying to remind myself of what I knew to be true in those moments.
When you cut and run this fast, you're left with so little "data". My idea of him is overwhelmed by the 10+ good years we had together, and it gets easy to forget that, despite those good years, for the last 3 weeks he was a monster.
[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 10:08 AM, July 8th (Monday)]
When you cut and run this fast, you're left with so little "data".
So if you chose to leave you will still get "data". Is he working on himself in a meaningful way or is he proving that you made the right decision. Either way you see the action or inaction and continue on the path you choose.
Do you ever wish you had left sooner?
Without a doubt, YES!
Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.