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User Topic: Advice Needed please
iammine
♀ New Member
Member # 39461
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am trying to get things in order before I confront and I'm a bit confused in what to do.

My WH is one of those ppl who will not let you finish a sentence. He will yell over you or cut you off. He has an explosive temper. I avoid any confrontations with him because it is too much. He will bring up things that have happened 17 yrs ago.

I don't know how to confront. He will yell and laugh at me and I'll start to cry. Should I write him a letter? Should I be present? Should I confront with someone else present? I cannot afford MC and I'm on a 6 mth waiting list for free IC. Should I find the money and get a MC to help me tell WH?

I also have tens of thousands of texts between WH - OW and various women. Should I wade through all of this and print them out? Or simply tell him I have proof? How about a f-you letter to OW who I've known for 20yrs ( we were pals before WH came onto the scene) She is tricky and likes to plaster drama on Facebook.

Any ideas? I feel very scrambled.


Posts: 45 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not sure how to answer a lot of your questions, iammine, but I will address the one I am sure about first.
Should I wade through all of this and print them out? Or simply tell him I have proof?
Yes, definitely print them out. Make two copies of your evidence. Either give a copy to a friend you trust or at least store it away from your home safely where your WH can't get at it. If you don't have any evidence some WS's like to try to gaslight you and make you think you are crazy and that you misunderstood everything. Do this for, at the very least, your sanity.
Should I write him a letter?

Maybe a letter would be best if he has an explosive temper. Also, don't argue with him. Simply state (verbally or in the letter) that you know he is cheating, you have the evidence, that you will not debate the fact that he is cheating because you know that he is. Has he ever physically hurt you? Do you feel he might? Don't be present if you feel he may or has in the past.
How about a f-you letter to OW who I've known for 20yrs

I wouldn't send the f-you letter to the OW until after you confront your WH. If you do, that will give your WH a heads up that you know and you don't want that because he will have all his explanations and lies in place to try to fool you.

Many will tell you not to contact the OW, but if you don't share anything like "you hurt me" and "I'm devastated" keep it strictly f-you you effen' cumdumpster slunt pig and don't let her have any idea of what is going on with you other than your sheer disgust and anger at OW, I feel it is fine to vent once to the OW.

Don't have any expectations from the OW due to your letter and you will be fine. Also, be prepared for OW to spread all the drama all over FB if that is what it seems she likes to do. However, you have nothing to be ashamed of, it is OW and WH who acted shamefully, so she will be just showing everyone what a slunt she is.

(((iammine)))


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9801 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Jospehine85
♀ Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iammine,

What are your plans after you confront?

If your WH has an explosive temper, are you afraid he may do something to you when you confront?

If your plans are to D, then I would recommend simply going to a lawyer, filing for D and blindsiding him.

I think a lawyer will be cheaper then the years of therapy you will need to deal with living with a man like him.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2012
Take2
♀ Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm thinking along the same lines as Josephine. Multiple Affairs, and an explosive temper - if you are looking to D, I'd consult and atty. get my ducks in a row:

Where will you live? Will you be safe? Do you have money? What do you need? Have you secured copies of financial documents as to assets, insurance, retirements, marriage certificate, birth certificate, passports? Do you have a credit card in your name only? (If not get one now)

(btw - thousands of pages of evidence... get a couple of flash drives to store your evidence. Give one to a trusted friend or family.)

If you don't want to D... I'd still do all of the above - cause he may and if he has an explosive temper and laughs at you - He's going to play hardball all the way if he moves to D.

If you both want to work on it - give consideration to your demands, boundaries, deal breakers, and consequences...

I think the biggest issue will be the living situation after this breaks open!

(iammine)


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4135 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
iammine
♀ New Member
Member # 39461
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've kept all texts and they are on my phone and computer and some have been forwarded to my mother.

He has never been physical to me. No fear there. Anything confrontational turns him into a 15 yr old teenager. I'm the one who buffers any conversations he has with others. So now I need the buffer or the mediator.

I do not want to R. He has done nothing in 17 yrs. He has worked 3 out of 17 yrs and he sponges off his mother and I ... HE IS NOW GIVING OW OUR FAMILY MONEY when she is desperate. Not enough for me to notice but texts are proof positive. I'm 46 and I want to enjoy the rest of my life. I'm tired of looking after a 44 yr old teenager.

He said to her last night... " you should be told you're beautiful everyday". He has never said that to me and he hasn't told me he's loves me in 5 yrs... I'm tired, no more


Posts: 45 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
Edith
♀ Member
Member # 38337
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Iammine,

If your WH has an explosive temper,

If this is the case, I would advise that you confront in a quiet place where he will have to behave himself. Like a fast food restaurant or someplace.

Best of luck to you. Take care.

E.


Lies are manipulations. Always.

Posts: 387 | Registered: Feb 2013
Take2
♀ Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kids?

He has never been physical to me. No fear there.

Good - but... you've never threatened his cushy life before. Legally, you need to know if you can force him to move out (very unlikely btw).

See an atty. before you confront!!! Are you in a fault state? Even if you are what advantage would it give you? You need to find out.

And back up your evidence!!! In my state - "conduct during the marriage is still a consideration". All he'd have to do is destroy the phone and everything is gone!


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4135 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree on printing the info out in 2 copies and keeping the copies in separate places.

Do you need to confront him about his A? I mean, if he's going to interrupt you, what's the point? Give him actions, not words.

If you're going to D him, why not have a process server serve him with D papers when he's away from home? If your lawyer OKs the following, have the locks changed at the same time, and have his stuff boxed and moved to your garage (assuming you have one) or perhaps to another safe place outside your home.

That's just an outline - work with your lawyer to do the actual deed.

If you're going to D him - and it sounds like a great idea - I urge you to hold your cards close to your chest and let him know only the basics - i.e. that he needs to find a place to live without you.

If he asks why, just say, 'You cheated.' If e denies it, just say, 'I have proof.' That's all. DON'T show him your proof - he's not in any way entitled to see it.

Don't talk to him - NC.

Take strong action by surprise - make it really shocking and awesome.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10384 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
iammine
♀ New Member
Member # 39461
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have 13 yr old twin girls

We are not legally married (he never felt like getting married)... We live in Canada. We rent and its in both of our names, no lease. All rent payments are in my name. I've worked full time for the last 17 yrs with the exception of when I had the babies.

No confronting in public, he would be yelling at the ppl around him that THEY are the reason why I was breaking up with him. He is like a cartoon character that yells towards another character and their hair goes flying by. lol this happens 2 or 3 times daily. just have to let him vent and eventually he tires himself out or notices everyone has gotten up and walked away.


Posts: 45 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
Josephine01
♀ Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wow iammine,

You are in a tough situation, but if you are working to support the family and he is doing nothing. Maybe you could put All accounts in your name before you confront him in a letter, my suggestion. This way he can drain your bank account or anything. Can you hold on for a few more days in order to make these changes?

The OW will want nothing to do with him when he can't help her.


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
Mousse242
♀ Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH is one of those ppl who will not let you finish a sentence. He will yell over you or cut you off. He has an explosive temper. I avoid any confrontations with him because it is too much. He will bring up things that have happened 17 yrs ago.

I also have tens of thousands of texts between WH - OW and various women. Should I wade through all of this and print them out? Or simply tell him I have proof? How about a f-you letter to OW who I've known for 20yrs ( we were pals before WH came onto the scene) She is tricky and likes to plaster drama on Facebook.

Why are you still with this man? Can you just contact your landlord and see what you can do about removing him from the residence or another place for you and your daughters to move into another place?

Do you have common-law marriage in Canada?

Is your SO the example that you want to give to your daughters for their future relationships? Someone who cheats and has an explosive (abusive) temper?

What do you want from the confrontation? To stay together (tho I couldn't see why) and work it out or to end things with this abusive man?


Posts: 5473 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
iammine
♀ New Member
Member # 39461
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I'm still with him because I've been trying to just get the girls a bit older so it maybe just a bit easier for them. And growing up I was taught that girls don't cry and complain, just put up with it. But I'm worn down and broken.

I don't want to be with him anymore.

She just texted him and reminded him how upset she will be because tomorrow is the day her mom shot herself and she found the body. He said he would find a way to spend sometime with her.

The first death I had to deal with was my beloved grandmother and when I was told I collapsed on the stairs and wailed with grief... He was outside helping his buddy find his missing pot in his car.


Posts: 45 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
Josephine01
♀ Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iammine,

I just wrote this on another forum, but just because the kids are older, it isn't easier for them. Looking back, I should have left their father when they were younger and better able to cope. Now. .. . IDK.

You do not need to just put up with it. Let him go to this person. Without money, it won't last long. Then he will know how alone you feel.


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
iammine
♀ New Member
Member # 39461
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Btw...I did not mean to lessen her grief for her mom. I can't even imagine how she could have felt but he should have been with me when my grandmother passed away.

Posts: 45 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fuck the OW and its fucking feelings.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9801 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Jospehine85
♀ Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iammine,

You want to leave. Don't bother confronting. Tomorrow call a lawyer. File for divorce and have him served.

Say nothing to him.

We are here for you.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2012
iammine
♀ New Member
Member # 39461
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All I know is that there has to be more in life than this. So much drama and upset. I WILL NOT live the rest of my life like this. I want peace and calm for myself and my children.

I have so much to give and a long life to live. My children need to grow and flourish! Carefree and happy!

I want to celebrate life!


Posts: 45 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you share bank accounts?
Does Canada recognize common law relationships or are you legally just roommates?


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8089 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
iammine
♀ New Member
Member # 39461
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have a joint account .. All he brings into that account is 450.00 annually in government benefits. I have my full time wages put into that account. I have possession of the bank card and can change passwords in an instant.

From what I've read, we are roommates. I just want things straight and taken care of for the children with the least amount of upset.


Posts: 45 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
iammine
♀ New Member
Member # 39461
Default  Posted: 11:15 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And you know btw... 5 yrs ago I lost 125 pounds and not once he said I looked good or gave me an ounce of encouragement, but he can tell her she should be told she is beautiful everyday!

That hurts!


Posts: 45 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 20

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