I worry that sending a NC letter now would encourage her to try and contact him. Stay vigilant, but for now I think silence is best.
One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. ~Steven Deitz
However, a few months later OW did attempt contact, and continued to do so, so we finally sent a NC letter almost 2 years after d-day. It has been 16 months and, as far as we know, OW hasn't been making attempts to contact us. Unless those hang up calls from "unknown" or "private" numbers is OW.
Basically, my advice is to not send a NC letter unless the OW contacts or tries to contact your WH.
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
Contacting her now may actually appear like an attempt on his part to re-establish communication.
Leave it alone.
Maybe what you are really looking for is a way to hurt her feelings?
Josephine, I think you are right. I am looking for a way to hurt her! I am in so much pain and I want her to feel that pain also. He says he told her from the beginning that he loved me and wasn't leaving me and when he told her it was over all she said was, OK. But I can't help thinking that she spent 6 months working on him to get him in her bed, then 2 yrs with him in her bed. Why would she go to all that trouble if she didn't have feelings for him? I just want her to suffer like I have! More if I can manage it!
Another part of me thinks maybe I wanted that letter for myself. As reassurance that he feels nothing for her, that he is 100% done with her. I have even thought about having him write her a letter telling her how he feels about her and what part he feels she played in the A and give it to me, without telling him I am not going to send it, reading it then burning it. Maybe as a way for me to let go of the urge to hurt her. I know that what is important is my feelings, not hers... does this make sense to anyone? Or am I just grasping at any ideas that pop into my head?
does this make sense to anyone? Or am I just grasping at any ideas that pop into my head?
When my FWH finally wrote and sent the NC letter it really did make me feel better. He never officially "broke up" with OW. He just stopped taking its calls, avoided the places were they would meet up, finally changed his cell number. He just kind of faded away. Thus, all the stalking and fishing. You would think any normal person would get a clue but no it took 8 years and then a NC letter for OW to finally get the message that it was over and FWH wanted nothing to do with it.
In the letter FWH told OW how much he loved me, how much he hated OW for helping him cause me so much pain, that he was disgusted and ashamed by what he did and even more so that he did it with OW. He told OW that OW was the past and irrelevant, that I was his past, present and future and that he would spend the rest of his life proving how much he loved me and how sorry he was.
It really did help me with my healing. I feel even if he didn't send it (we really needed to) that the letter would have helped me enormously. However, I still want to hurt it. Not as much as year 1, but the desire to destroy it is still there.
[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 4:24 PM, July 4th (Thursday)]
I have even thought about having him write her a letter telling her how he feels about her and what part he feels she played in the A and give it to me, without telling him I am not going to send it, reading it then burning it. Maybe as a way for me to let go of the urge to hurt her. I know that what is important is my feelings, not hers... does this make sense to anyone? Or am I just grasping at any ideas that pop into my head?
Ask your WH to write you a love letter instead.
My first 3 months after DD were classic text book horrible. I was flying blind...found this site late.
Anyway, if he contacts his AP now it could very well bring about a negative reaction.
That's my two cents....but we are far from mastering this.
God be with us all.