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User Topic: Should I?
shatteredheart7
♀ Member
Member # 39734
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH confessed in Sept after he had ended the A. He hasn't seen her, other than the 3 times that we have run into her, since 2/12. He called her on 4/22/12 to tell her that we were getting back together and to not contact him again. As far as I know she has not. I have access to his emails, phone records and phone and his facebook. But I still worry. He has promised to tell me if she tries to contact him. (since I get notifications on my phone for every email and FB message he gets and check the phone records daily I would know anyway) But I keep reading about the NC letter, something I had never thought about until finding this site. I think I would feel better and more secure if he did this, however, I am worried that after this long it would cause her to contact him.

Any thoughts?


Me~40
FWH~46
Married 8yrs
Together 11 1/2
Me~ 3 kids, 21,17,14
Him~no kids
A with a mutual "friend" for 2+yrs
He confessed 9/9/12
A was over 2/12
7/13~ Happier than we have been in yrs!

Posts: 240 | Registered: Jul 2013
dameia
♀ Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would be wary of opening the lines of communication. It sounds like you are keeping a close eye on him.

I worry that sending a NC letter now would encourage her to try and contact him. Stay vigilant, but for now I think silence is best.


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. ~Steven Deitz


Posts: 1099 | Registered: Jul 2012
Take2
♀ Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^ I agree.


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4112 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We didn't know about the NC letter until we found SI, which was 8 months after d-day. Since the OW had been stalking/fishing for my FWH for 6 years after the affair (I found out 6 years after it was over) and OW hadn't tried to contact him or I for 8 months, we decided to let sleeping bitches sleep.

However, a few months later OW did attempt contact, and continued to do so, so we finally sent a NC letter almost 2 years after d-day. It has been 16 months and, as far as we know, OW hasn't been making attempts to contact us. Unless those hang up calls from "unknown" or "private" numbers is OW.

Basically, my advice is to not send a NC letter unless the OW contacts or tries to contact your WH.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9403 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Jospehine85
♀ Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your WH established his desire for NC on 4/22/12. She has so far adhered to it.

Contacting her now may actually appear like an attempt on his part to re-establish communication.

Leave it alone.

Maybe what you are really looking for is a way to hurt her feelings?


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 811 | Registered: Jun 2012
shatteredheart7
♀ Member
Member # 39734
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all! I think I knew this, but I just needed to hear someone else tell me.

Josephine, I think you are right. I am looking for a way to hurt her! I am in so much pain and I want her to feel that pain also. He says he told her from the beginning that he loved me and wasn't leaving me and when he told her it was over all she said was, OK. But I can't help thinking that she spent 6 months working on him to get him in her bed, then 2 yrs with him in her bed. Why would she go to all that trouble if she didn't have feelings for him? I just want her to suffer like I have! More if I can manage it!

Another part of me thinks maybe I wanted that letter for myself. As reassurance that he feels nothing for her, that he is 100% done with her. I have even thought about having him write her a letter telling her how he feels about her and what part he feels she played in the A and give it to me, without telling him I am not going to send it, reading it then burning it. Maybe as a way for me to let go of the urge to hurt her. I know that what is important is my feelings, not hers... does this make sense to anyone? Or am I just grasping at any ideas that pop into my head?


Me~40
FWH~46
Married 8yrs
Together 11 1/2
Me~ 3 kids, 21,17,14
Him~no kids
A with a mutual "friend" for 2+yrs
He confessed 9/9/12
A was over 2/12
7/13~ Happier than we have been in yrs!

Posts: 240 | Registered: Jul 2013
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

does this make sense to anyone? Or am I just grasping at any ideas that pop into my head?
I feel having your WH write a NC letter to the OW but not sending it and giving it to you is an excellent idea.

When my FWH finally wrote and sent the NC letter it really did make me feel better. He never officially "broke up" with OW. He just stopped taking its calls, avoided the places were they would meet up, finally changed his cell number. He just kind of faded away. Thus, all the stalking and fishing. You would think any normal person would get a clue but no it took 8 years and then a NC letter for OW to finally get the message that it was over and FWH wanted nothing to do with it.

In the letter FWH told OW how much he loved me, how much he hated OW for helping him cause me so much pain, that he was disgusted and ashamed by what he did and even more so that he did it with OW. He told OW that OW was the past and irrelevant, that I was his past, present and future and that he would spend the rest of his life proving how much he loved me and how sorry he was.

It really did help me with my healing. I feel even if he didn't send it (we really needed to) that the letter would have helped me enormously. However, I still want to hurt it. Not as much as year 1, but the desire to destroy it is still there.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 4:24 PM, July 4th (Thursday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9403 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Jospehine85
♀ Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have even thought about having him write her a letter telling her how he feels about her and what part he feels she played in the A and give it to me, without telling him I am not going to send it, reading it then burning it. Maybe as a way for me to let go of the urge to hurt her. I know that what is important is my feelings, not hers... does this make sense to anyone? Or am I just grasping at any ideas that pop into my head?

Ask your WH to write you a love letter instead.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 811 | Registered: Jun 2012
shatteredheart7
♀ Member
Member # 39734
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just talked to wh about it. He is willing to write both! A nc for her and a love letter to me. Thank you all for the words of wisdom! I won't be sending her letter, but I'm hopeful just reading it will make me feel better.


Me~40
FWH~46
Married 8yrs
Together 11 1/2
Me~ 3 kids, 21,17,14
Him~no kids
A with a mutual "friend" for 2+yrs
He confessed 9/9/12
A was over 2/12
7/13~ Happier than we have been in yrs!

Posts: 240 | Registered: Jul 2013
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Way to go Mr.shatteredheart7! That is so great that he is willing to do this for you. Makes me happy for you.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9403 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Leave this be now. I found this site AFTER my time for this passed. I still don't know exactly how my wife's affair ended....just that she ended it. But then she broke NC after that...via email...but he did not respond.

My first 3 months after DD were classic text book horrible. I was flying blind...found this site late.

Anyway, if he contacts his AP now it could very well bring about a negative reaction.

That's my two cents....but we are far from mastering this.

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Topic Posts: 11

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