hello my dear friends on SI....i wanted to share some feelings I have been having lately about my attempt at r with my husband. and i say attempt because i dont believe true r comes fast. i think it is a long and painful process that requires a lot of work on both sides. my husband is doing "everything right" as he should be, but we are no where near r...being a "good boy" for 8 months after mulitple infedelities on all levels is nothing in my book. we just scratched the surface to r.
so, as i was thinking about my attempt at r with my husband i thought of a few things. you know, i come on this great site all the time, pouring my heart out...a lot of tearful, angry, sad posts i have written. i have come a long way since my 1st day day. i am writing this to vent...and becasue i need to "talk" to my friends here...but i wanted to also share with others who are hurting some things that helped me in this painful process.....
after the discovery of false r, the first thing i did was get a nice pair of Bitchboots. and here i am laying out below what i did with them. these bitchboots helped me get to a place of wanting to attempt to r with my husband from a place of strength and dignity. it was hard to get here...but it needed to be done in order to take back my power and be the queen of my home again.
my bitchboots allowed me to:
1. not beg his ass back like i did the first time. and try to "convince him" that we should fight for our family, our m, and all that we built. well, blah, blah, blah. i decided i was not going to "convince" him of anything. he was either going to get on board with the program or he wasnt. stop begging his ass or "getting him to see" you know what mean?
2. non negotiable boundaries. you either go to rehab, give me full access to your phone records...you can keep the phone, i want the records, go to mc, and stop drinking, or you cant come home...no r...period. and mean it. and if i want to answer that cell phone, i will.
3. so, you are back home. if i am mad, i am mad. i am not going to sugar coat, pretend, walk on eggshells, or act like i am "happy" at a nice dinner so that i dont piss you off. fuck that. if i am mad, i am mad. look at what you did. it is going to take as long as it takes for me to get through this.
4. you either can take my wrath or you cant. i do not care if you get mad, or upset, or feel helpless becasue i am so sad, or if i ask you the same questions over and over. i need to do this to heal....for me, not you. it is not about you. your affairs were about you, and you destroyed the family...this is about me doing what i need to do to heal.
5. if you want to leave. fine. i will help you pack, and put your things outside. but when you leave this time, you cant come back. and i meant that. and told him this many times to make sure he clearly understood this house is no longer a revolving door.
6. you are either present with this family, or not. your "boys" are fired. yoru first priority needs to be this family, period. no going out to bars, no hanging with the boy, none of that...that BS is over...we all know what that is about. if you are attempting r, then you should know that cultivating relationships outside the m right now is poison. if you feel like you are in a prison, then you can go. i dont want anyone in this house who doesnt want to be here emotionally, and physically. we dont need you if that is the case.
7. i love you, and you are my husband, but i dont need you. i know now that we ended i will be okay, without you. and i will eventually meet another man who will take care of me and my child just fine. i know my value and my worth...and i know i will find someone else.
8. be happy that i am trying to deal with this pain...because what you dont want is for me not to care, or "be done." because when i am done, i will be done...and you wont be able to get it back.
9. you played me for a fool for a long time...your personal doormat. but let me say this...and it is a fact of life. if you pull this crap on me again, you will be out of here. i will divorce you, without hesitation, and we can just let the judge decide on child support and visitation. there are no more "chances." those days are over.
10. your "whys" at this point for me are irrelevant. i have found that they dont help...maybe for a minute, but they dont help. and now they are starting to irritate me. you cheated becasue you wanted to, you liked it, and thought you wouldnt get caught. period. now, if you go to ic and work out all your issues to what led you down that path...that is on you. it has nothing to do with me. take care of your issues and dont fuck up again. that is all i can tell you.
11. i may cry to you one day, yell at you the next minute, and tell you i want a divorce the next day...it is a rollercoaster. you can either support me, be my rock..and take it or you cant. after all you did, you deserve and should take it. but i will be okay...you better believe it...if you cant take it and bail...the sooner you do that the better so i can move on with my life.
12. words mean nothing. and why should they? you have lied so much. i am only interested in actions. that is IT.
13. i understand now that my crying to you about "how much you hurt me" and "how could you do this to me" is for ME, not you. i know that it wont stop you from cheating or doing something stupid again. you are either going to keep it zipped or you are not.
14. if you cannot do it, email it, text it, or say it with me standing right there in front of you, then i consider that cheating. plain and simple. we dont need to read any books on that. THAT is the boundary if there is any confusion. i dont care if you werent taught that, didnt know, or say "it didnt man anything"...my expectation is non negotiable. i refuse to be married to anyone who crosses that line.
15. renewal of my wedding vows, new rings, declarations of a "new" marriage is not going to keep my husband faithful and make things better. the pain will still be there with a new ring on. wishful thinking though. nah, i will keep the old marriage....warts and all. the day i get married "again" will be with a new man, if this doesnt work out.
well, guys...i know that is a lot. but it has really helped me keep my strength and dignity. so that if we ever do reach r...it will be a healthy one...you know what i mean?
it is SO EASY to want to save the m so much that i was willing to compromise my own self worth, and dignity by allowing him to be an unremorseful husband initially.
my bitchboots helped me realize that i need him to move heaven and earth to want to be with me...at all costs...even when it is uncomfortable for him. and that i not accept anything less than that.
doing so will only cause me more pain down the road...btdt.
thanks for listening to me vent you guys...dont know what i would do without SI.