This morning h came outside and told me, I love you, want to help you, want to spend my life with you, I can't imagine my life without you.
It felt like it touched my heart, but I also know, have to remember to not have any expectations. He could come home tonight and tell me that he has to leave because he is causing my pain.
sometimes he seems so close to understanding, I see his face almost crumble, then the wall comes back up and it is about me choosing to be in pain.
I hate this!!!
consistency, I need consistancy
I would now like to be known as Can!
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
attempted R, it was all a lie
R is an emotionally charged, intense and sometimes confusing and difficult process. fWH and I did/do a lot of reading because I can't imagine thinking I know how to navigate R without a roadmap of sorts.
With or without him, you need to recover, and heal from his infidelity. The work the WS does is only about half, the rest comes from you. Self-care, reading, a small daily goal, IC, support IRL, venting, are all part of recovering from his infidelity. He should be in IC too, once he starts taking care of himself he may be able to help you. Certainly IC for the WS can help him navigate the overwhelming, confusing and conflicting emotions they have like guilt, shame, fear and help him start to separate his real feelings from the lies he told himself to make the A possible.
We are in R.
He has not read. Seems resistant, says the answers are between us not in books.
I have read everything that I can get my hands on.
I try to tell him about the things I have read that touch me but he shuts down.
He says he is happy now, says he has forgiven himself. tells me I am here now, no one is hurting you now, why cant you see that accept that?
I really believe he is just too afraid to face his emotions.
I try to explain that there is no way we can know what is the right thing to do in this situation, it is not instinctive. We need help, why not look to those who have gone before us?
Right now at this moment he is having his first appt with our MC/my IC alone.
I asked him to do this and he agreed. Everytime he comes home from his own IC, he is so full of himself, cocky, full of blame towards me, I wonder what is really going on there??
I wasn't nervous before, I asked for this. Now I am terrified. Maybe I thought our MC could reach him in a way I could not.
What if it doesn't work?? I think that is what is causing the anxiety. I have no clue what to expect. I have put too much hope in this. I am tired of being let down.
I will read, I will post on SI, I will write you an apology, I will make a list of songs just for you, to let you feel safe with music again, I will do whatever it takes to help you.
Yes! You do. It takes a long time of consistent good behavior to rebuild trust. This back and forth will do nothing but drive you crazy.
You need to know that he's safe, that he's going to change and be a safe husband for you. That's when you can lean on him. The man who loves you and can't imagine life without you one day, and wants to leave because you're "not choosing to be happy" (what a load of horseshit) the next is not going to make you feel safe and provide the consistency you need.
That's why I think it's best if you try to detach from him and just don't even try to count on him for support. Because inconsistent manipulative "support" is worse than none!
Maybe it's him that is crazy not me!
It is hard to be open to him, let down my guard when I cannot trust who he will be from moment to moment.
I was very detached from him for a couple of days. He did not like it and seemed to become more irritated with me, that is when the leaving conversations started.
I am so torn, leave/stay, I love you/ I hate you, hold me/get the f away, this truly is the worst time of my life bar none.
I have been through some horrific experiences with father and others. Nothing else hurt this badly. I suppose because the hurt I received before was normal, they had never treated my differently, it wasn't shocking.
I trusted h. Shouldn't have but I did.
I think,at some point,a WS should forgive themselves. But this close to dday? While he is telling you to basically get the fuck over it? Um..no.
Is he aware that it takes 3-5 years to heal from this shit?
Oh..and him telling you if you don't stop being sad or he will leave you is pure manipulation. It's selfish. It's cruel.
My WH wants me to get over it too. He says I choose to feel like this. I told him it's as if he shot me,and then put a bandaid over the bullet wound..then yells at me because Im still bleeding.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
I am so sorry you are going through this. Your WH is trying to manipulate you and threaten you into being happy. He is acting as though you are to blame in my estimation and trying to blame shift. Of course when you started to show your true feelings is when he wanted to leave.
He can't face what he has done to you so he wants it to go away and then he doesn't have to. But, if he isn't remorseful he will probably repeat his actions. I don't post here alot because I am trying to figure things out and can't really give good advice until I do.
I just wanted you to know that there are people who care about you here. Keep posting.
Take good Care,
He sounded so positive.
"I am pushing you too hard, trying to fix things.
We are going to be ok, I believe that."
It makes me feel happy and terrified all at the same time.
I hope so much, want to work it out so much. I am so afraid to trust him. I know, absolutely there has been nc, so it is not about that.
It's about opening my heart, needing to feel loved, feel special, I want to believe that he can be the man I need, I want to feel that I am more important than anything to him right now. I need him to see and accept the pain that he caused and be willing to do whatever it takes to win back my heart.
I want so badly that I have to hold back, I must keep my hope under control, don't believe until I see with my own eyes, my own heart.
It hurts way too much when it is not real. Only talk about what he is going to do but never follows thru on. I must remember. There is not much left of my heart to crush, I barely have the strength to get thru each day. No more pain please, please, please.
be detached, protect myself.
don't let my heart rule my brain.
How do you act detached when you feel love? It feels like a lie but I know it is necessary. Just one more conflicted thought in my head.
Whenever I read a post from a BS just 6 months out, I feel that heart wrenching feeling again, remembering how I felt at that time. I still get pangs but know this.....No matter what the outcome, you WILL feel better.
I know that this is he'll for you. We've all been on that road and we have survived it. It just takes time before we can figure out what it is going to take before we know how to heal ourselves. Maybe your WS doesn't know how to help, so it is his job to find out, but you must only depend on yourself.
If he figures out a way to go through this WITH you, great. But with or without him, you CAN get through it. And you will.
a lot of us have been exactly where you are....you have an unremorseful husband...you do. he is more concerned with how he feels than your feelings. you might get a little support by his words every now and then...but when it gets hard, or you trigger and break down...he wants to bail, or blame you for the issues...(like asking you if you want to be happy)...or rush you into getting over this. it is called manipulation..and that is common for an unremorseful wayward. you are very normal. you are in no way doing anything wrong...or acting in an inappropriate way. in fact, your behavior goes hand in hand with an unremorseful spouse. he is not making it safe for you to grieve, to heal...he is not giving that emotional support you need.
it is not about him. it is about you, and your healing. you have to really if you can try to listen to what we are telling you even though it hurts. i think it is time for you to 180 him...i really do. and take care of you.
you are afraid that he will leave you. i get that...afraid that your pain and sadness is keep you both from moving on. but that is not the case. it will take as long as it takes. period. there are no shortcuts, no magic pill...and really nothing that he can say to you to make the pain go away so quickly...it just wont. it takes time.
and either he understands that or he doesnt...and can leave. that is exactly how strong you need to be. for your own sanity.
and you want to have some strength and dignity in your reconciliation with him. and not be pushed, intimidated, manipulated, or emotionally threatened into doing what he wants you to do. you know what i mean? you are the queen. the prize...the gem..and he screwed you over....and he needs to understand that it will take a long time for him to reestablish trust with YOU.
as gently as i can....i am telling you to 180 his ass...and tell him that he can get the fuck out if he cant support you no matter how long it takes.
and if he doesnt know how, then he needs to figure it out..not you.
I wanted to let you all know that there are signs of life in him.
My IC and I have been focusing on helping me to detach. I struggle because it feels false to me. It is as if I am lying when I don't show how I feel. I understand it is about protecting me first, head gets it - heart rebels.
Wednesday, h had an appointment with my IC-our MC alone.
It is like a complete stranger has walked through my door. One I like but don't trust, not yet, I must not let down my guard too quickly or too easily. This is what I have been yearning for. I have to make sure that it is real and sustainable before I trust.
I told h this and he seems to actually understand! He is reading on his own. He says that he now understands that in order for me to heal, for me to forgive him, he has to work for it, comfort me, accept my pain and depressed moods as a natural reaction to his actions. He is asking me questions about how I feel, what causes me pain, how do I get though it. He asked me to please tell him when I am triggering so that he can help.
I love my IC.
Is this real??? Can I trust it??? Will it revert back???
This is what I hold close to protect myself. This is what the brain says.
The heart is not listening so well, the heart is ready to melt. I think I have to detach from my heart! I cannot let my hope blind me.
consistency over time, my new mantra.