I have noticed lately with many of our JFO SI members they are making the same GIGANTIC mistake.
They are reversing roles with their WS. They are allowing their WS to become the poor victim and they, the BS, are bending over backwards to try to allow for the WS's feelings.
NO!!! That has to stop!!
Your WS is not a victim. They made choices. They were not unwillingly inflicted with a disease.
One of our BWs feels guilty about offending her WH by insisting he take a polygraph. NO! She should not be worried about his feelings. Shouldn't HE be worried about HERS???? If he were, he would be happy to take the poly to make her feel better. But he is not. He is acting as if he has been put upon unfairly.
Another WH wanted his BW out of the marital home because he had to mourn the loss of his OW and decide what he wants to do. NO!! Why are his feelings more important? Shouldn't he be leaving the marital home so she can mourn the loss of her M and decide what SHE wants to do?
I see this over and over again to varying degrees. We the compassionate BS are concerned about the feelings of the WS, but they are not concerned about ours (remember it is selfishness that usually gets them into the A). We are showing more empathy than they are.
This allows for role reversal. The WS gets to behave like the victim and the BS panics, starts trying to earn the WSs love back and ends up in a perpetually defensive role.
Any time you find yourself in role reversal, you are not in R and you are not in a safe relationship. You are in the same place that made you a BS to begin with. You are usually in a relationship where your partner is controlling you with emotional blackmail.
Sometimes, when we get busy investigating the A and trying to figure out WHY our WS cheated on us, we can easily get sucked in to putting their emotions before ours, because we are spending so much time trying to get in to their heads. We start to understand and then we start to feel pity. But then we can err and start to put their feelings first.
I firmly believe in investigating and talking the A to death. I am definitely one of those people who has to beat a topic to death, then get bored with it and then I can move on. But I have to do this keeping in mind it is for ME. I am investigating to exhaust the topic so I can move on. I am not doing it to have even more empathy for my WS. I have to be my number one focus.
Thoughts anyone? WS? BS?
Mods, if I have this in the wrong forum, please feel free to move it.
I think everyone has to make their own mistakes and find their own solutions.
But sometimes seeing the truth in others stories helps - it did me. Only if to acknowledge that I needed to help ME.
"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies!
But, when the unthinkable happened, the strength I showed him, forced him to make a choice right there and then and saved us and our beautiful family from more devastation.
Bingo. You didn't allow him to reverse the roles and be the victim who has to have time to sort out what he wants.
You immediately said "No", I won't live like that and he understood you were not going to assume the defensive role.
Thank you for putting all that good advice out there for us all.
"We're not broken, just bent, and we can learn to love again" ~Pink
What did she get for her sacrifice? He took his A underground for another year, treated her like dirt, and when he got bored with one MOW he openly took up with another. And that is just what I know about - there may have been more.
She (who had been a successful, confident woman) became a shadow of her former self. Her health suffered, and she died prematurely last year. Big surprise - the jerk was remarried within 6 months. I know widowers often remarry soon, but given this guy's history it's hard not to assume the relationship existed prior to the BS passing.
Sorry, guess that was sorta t/j. Moral to the story is Put Your Bitch Boots On!!
Finally, after the D, when I stopped seeing him as a victim, he wanted to come back. But it was WAY TOO LATE for me.
It all has to play out for each individual, but this should the BS something to at least think about.
Whenever I start to feel blue, I read these forums to help me through this.
I am currently in the midst of a role reversal.
This is SO true!!!
I have been trying to understand why this happened and why I was so blind and naive to my husband's infidelity.
I have FINALLY stopped blaming myself for his prostitution. As he kept blaming me and this was all my fault.
I finally realized that HE is the one with depression. He is the one who has something that drives him to self medicate his depression through whores and a few moments of self gratification.
He has NO shame and tries everything he can do to make ME feel bad for the whole situation.
We the compassionate BS are concerned about the feelings of the WS
There was not one second post Dday that I gave a shit about my WH feelings.
Compassionate ~ Not me, not once.
The day that I found out about his skanky affair was the day that I told him, "If you don't like life here then get the f*&k out" ~ and I meant it...ever single time that I said it.
Never once did I kowtow to my WH. He destroyed our M, he was left to pick up all of the pieces and fix it and if he did not like it he could get the F*&K out!
He never left, he worked daily to fix it, he made me his priority 24/7, he worked to become a better person, and we survived this nightmare.
I honestly believe that the WS must want R more that the BS.
[This message edited by RidingHealingRd at 1:28 AM, July 4th (Thursday)]
The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.
Too bad I found SI much later after my DD...lots of good info here.
This strength is FOR us but usually is the only thing that will wake up a WS from the fog. Hand-wringing and not standing up for ourselves rarely saves the marriage.
the BS, are bending over backwards to try to allow for the WS's feelings.
The BS is still acting under the assumption that it's "you and I" against the world. But once a 3rd party is brought into that equation...all bets are off.
Your post struck a chord with me because I was uber-compassionate on Dday and for a long time afterwards because of Sultan's FOO issues. *I* identified Sultan's issues pretty quickly and he 'head-nodded' along with my observations. The problems became apparent when I wasn't receiving as much compassion as I was giving. *I* was the 'injured' party, yet *I* was the one that was providing the support and it wasn't right. I was still acting as a 'partner' without realizing that the game had changed into "every man for himself."
There's a good post in R that I read today. It's author is sri and the title is bitchboots. She had her Dday and she was too 'forgiving' and malleable.....ended up in a hellacious false R in which she ended up getting stitches in her head. After that she put her bitchboots on and stood her ground and is currently attempting R which has so far been going good for her. Her post and *pointers* is a really good read and spot-on.
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 3:15 AM, July 5th (Friday)]