But I just started wondering if ultimately I want her to stop feeling pain so I can stop feeling pain. Is this selfish? I guess so. But I know that I hurt because I hurt her. I hurt "us."
So here I am desperatley trying to make her feel better, identifying and trying to deal with all my mess up bullshit, and let her know that I love her and am here for the long haul, but ultimately am I doing it just for me?
Sometimes all this introspection leaves me more confused than before.
[This message edited by unforgivable5 at 7:54 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]
Sent you a PM.
Sometimes all this introspection leaves me more confused than before.
My first inclination was to say "Let's start a club! Who's in?" in an attempt at putting some levity on what you expressed - and which I oftentimes feel. But that might earn me some reprimands, which I'm desperately trying to avoid!
So instead I'll say I can definitely relate to feeling this way, and sharing here on SI has helped me tremendously. My active imagination has been both a blessing and a curse for my entire life, especially since it has the tendency to take me on flights of fancy...including my supremely delusional one to the Island of Misfit Toys...
I've been weighed down with guilt and shame, selfishness and fear, and being able to share that burden here has been really great. I do hope you will find some relief. Keep sharing!
I love her and am here for the long haul, but ultimately am I doing it just for me?
Absolutely you are thinking of yourself. As long as you are focusing on her and her pain which is easy cuz well your the cause of it you don't have to think about it too much. That's why you are still surprised how many different ways it effects you and her.
Trying to fix ourselves and do the work of true introspection is the hard work that you are still avoiding. I know you horribly regret that you hurt your wife, but I hate to tell you this, you don't get out of this unchanged.
[This message edited by hardlessons at 10:31 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]
fWH and I had a discussion about this very thing just the other day... well not a discussion, that makes it sound like a pleasant conversation, what really happened is that he did something nice for me and I retaliated by saying "you didn't do that for me, you did that to make yourself feel better, so you could think to yourself "I'm not such a bad guy... look how I did (insert whatever it was) for her"" Hmmm, does it show that we have been having a tough time of it lately?!
Since that conversation/personal attack/whatever I have been thinking about it. And I've come to the conclusion that I think it works both ways. I Believe fWH does nice things for me to try to make me feel better, to ease my pain and to try to make amends as best he can. Unfortunately in this situation nothing he does NOW will ever take away what he did THEN, so that's what causes me to have the angry outbursts (I totally get that I need to be more graceful and accept what he is doing in a nicer manner.... hold the 2x4s I am coming out of a deep anger phase okay )
In doing nice things for me and trying to ease my pain, there is bound to be a spin-off for him, in that he feels better about himself, he feels that he is working on our issues in a good way and that then eases some of his pain.
Is it selfish of him? No I don't think so, I think it would be selfish if what he was doing had no positive spin-off for me or if it was done with the intention of pleasing himself first and me second.
lies til June 13
So here I am desperatley trying to make her feel better
How do you feel your doing? I know that since the end of March you have been in this same mode, I think that you have had one post regarding abandonment for yourself.
Also, curious what your boundaries are regarding PM's with the opposite sex?
Rooting for you but you will never move out of this stage till you put your eyes on you.
[This message edited by hardlessons at 11:26 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]
But I know that I hurt because I hurt her. I hurt "us."
It's great that you want to ease your BW's pain as much as possible, but this
Most of my posts (if not all) have been about what my BW is going through and how I can help her.
[This message edited by knightsbff at 1:45 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]
I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️
Hardlessons, yep, I avoid me. just shut up already. just kidding. You are right, as usual.
Have you realized yet that you hurt you?
this hit me like a ton of bricks. I guess i hadn't realized that I hurt me. When it comes to me, I've only focused on my own screwed-upness, not that I have hurt me. wow. thanks.
BW here. I think that the above is a big thing for both a remorseful WS and BS to realize that the actions that the WS took hurt both of them. Separately and together. That when you explode a nuclear bomb in your marriage, you both end up with fallout.
A WS with no remorse truly only sees the hurt that they feel. They got caught. Their lives are impacted but their response is to blame everything but themselves and to try to run from the pain or to redirect it. Life is pretty simple and basic for these people. And I doubt that they ever truly heal.
The BS of course, realizes the hurt that has been done to them and quite understandably, are too busy bleeding to see much more than that for a while. They are sunk into their own pain and itís all that they can do to keep themselves functioning. For some time, IMO, they just canít be expected to see anything else and need to do whatever needed to simply survive. Unfortunately, some BSs simply cannot leave this pain, with or without the support of their WS. And they donít heal.
A remorseful WS is initially trying to figure out what they need to do to support their BS. They, IMO, should have their focus on doing whatever is needed to support their BS and to reassure/comfort them as well as focusing on the actions needed to try to keep their partnership alive. (obviously this is simplified) Hopefully, their efforts and actions help their BS to start healing. Ideally, no matter if the partnership survives or not, the BS and the WS do the work that is necessary, through IC, MC, whatever, to start to become complete and self-sufficient people again.
But at some point, for the couple whose goal is R, I do believe that both the BS and the WS need to realize and acknowledge that the WS also hurt themself. That the WS lost a lot with their infidelity. Their honor, their sense of self-worth, their moral compass, and all of those things that add up to being a trustworthy person. And they did it *to* themself. Thatís a hard thing to realize about yourself that you are the person who caused such a grievous act. And itís a truly hard thing for a BS to realize/acknowledge. That their WS is hurting too. That an olive branch, at some point, needs to be extended to a truly remorseful WS, and that the two of them need to go from antagonists to supporters of each other if you truly want to R.
This is greatly simplified, of course. And I apologize as itís gone a bit far out of the original thought. I do think that itís all connected. No one wants to live their life in pain, BS or WS. And at the end of the day, getting to the root of the things that cause you both pain and excising those roots is a good and healthy thing for both of you.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
And unforgivable, the fact that introspection is making you confused? That's a great sign. First, you're not avoiding the introspection (and that kind of avoidance is probably one of the reasons you're here). Second -- and I guess this was the point I was trying to make -- you SHOULD be confused, because what happened SHOULDN'T make sense, if you think of yourself as a generally good person.