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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: History Repeating - F Me
Lighthouse Heart
♀ Member
Member # 8899
Shutup  Posted: 11:43 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was here before many years ago. I hardly ever post but lurk now and again...things in life were good, rocky but I don't know - I'd moved on and been with S/O for 6 years..

It's all crashing down, I saw the red flags, I watched and listened and took note of things. FUCK ME!!!

Undeniable proof and yet...you know how it goes. I'm crazy...no nothing going on...gee I can see how this looks bad but I'm just helping a friend.

He knew everything I went through with my ex. Promised he would never do something like that

Fucking classic cheating signs. He's displaying every single one.

I'm so done...never did I ever want to be in JFO as a post initiator again.

This sucks big time.


I release the past so I am free to fight for my future unencumbered.

Posts: 2293 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Canada
RidingHealingRd
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 12:02 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{Lighthouse Heart}}}

I have no idea how people go through the horrendous pain of infidelity more than once. A BS's worst nightmare!

If I had undeniable proof and he still denied then I would throw his ass out...immediately.

He knew everything I went through with my ex. Promised he would never do something like that

^^^This adds insult to injury.

So sorry that you find yourself here again.


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2122 | Registered: Nov 2011
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 12:07 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry.

Posts: 2175 | Registered: Mar 2011
lemony.2008
♀ Member
Member # 20125
Default  Posted: 12:12 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so very sorry, Lighthouse Heart!

Please take good care of yourself. Just think about YOU, do the best for YOU.

((((huge hugs))))


Feel the feelings and drop the story. - Pema Chodron


Posts: 2243 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((LHH))))

So sorry you had to return. Going through it all one time is hard enough, but to have a new partner do it to you.

Lets look at a few positives though. You know you will survive it this time. You know your world while rocked, will be set right again.

You know what you need to do to either R or S. It's totally up to you, and any decision you make is yours and yours alone to make. If he wants to play along great, if not adios.

You KNOW YOU ARE WORTH MORE.
You KNOW YOU DESERVE Honesty and committment.

Sending you lots of Hugs, and strength.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8705 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((LighthouseHeart)) You can't end an M or a relationship just on suspicion alone. They use this against us and make us think we're crazy.

It gets so bad we start gaslighting ourselves.

That's why this shit is plain abuse. It is so unnecessary. Go off to UnicornFartLand - why drag me though all of this other shit, have me thinking I'm going nuts.

I can't tell you how guilty I felt for not trusting him, not believing him - for suspecting him.

((LighthouseHeart)) Another hug for you. I don't think I'll ever be ready to risk this again.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
unarmbears
♀ Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((((Lighthouse Heart))))))))))))
You know your truth. What you have is undeniable proof and he is gaslighting.

A firm 180 my dear. I think many of us "veterans" forget the tools that will serve us.

Don't let your past with infidelity be a tool he uses to make you doubt yourself.

I had been cheated on in previous relationships. I knew Every. Single. Sign.

I still let my FWH make me think I was crazy. It's natural when we place our trust in someone that we want to keep it there.

Hopefully you will use the 180 to get your head clear of his garbage and see what is really happening.

Actions speak louder than words! When he says

gee I can see how this looks bad
you can tell yourself "It IS bad, for me and us." then close your ears and give him crickets.


FBS-Me, 61
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 26 and 31
2 Daughters 29, 25 And 4 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4891 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
brkn_heartd
♀ Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lighthouse heart.....I am sending my support your way. I am so sorry you are going through this a second time. Take care of yourself.


Me-51 BS
Him 58-WS
Married 31 yrs, together 34
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1646 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Undeniable proof and yet...you know how it goes.
No, tell me.
How does it go?

Posts: 6644 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Lighthouse Heart
♀ Member
Member # 8899
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks all.

There is not an iota of R to this, no thought, no whim, no hint.

I had the whole long thing spelled out and lost it.

I thought something had been going on for a bit and found a couple of red flags.

I came back from vacation 2 weeks ago and he wasn't talking to me at all and wouldn't look me in the eye and he asked me to move as we hadn't been a couple for a long time (true and I had been getting ducks in a row). I found some signs and had a feeling someone had been in the apartment while I was gone...

I went away this weekend with a friend and he was far too interested in when I was leaving, when I would be back, how far away was it.
I was going to be back Monday afternoon...I came back Sunday afternoon and found the apartment with a woman's stuff laying around...they obviously saw my car in the underground and hatched an explanation - he came in alone and pretended he didn't know I was there yet was not shocked when I called him into my bedroom. Overexplained why she was there - fight with her husband needed a place for the night...she was with him now talking it out...but he could see how I might think it was something different.

He tried to cover all the bases. I knew what was going on - yesterday I found the massage oil missing from the travellers kama sutra kit that I got him 2 years ago was missing...the hunt was on. Found it stuffed in the folds of a blanket beside the bed along with 3 unused condoms.

Rookie mistake - I held out for less than 10 hours with that ...he said something about why couldn't I see he was only helping her - there was nothing going on...I slammed the massage oil on the table with condoms and asked if helping his friend required THESE!

I never used the oil with anyone...and I bought the condoms along time ago...I thought we could have sex again (it's been a loooong time)I told him the expiry on the condoms told me different.

Anyway - now I'm the bad guy and have poked the bear by invading his room and ransacking it.(Huh you didn't hide it that well and as soon as I knew what I was looking for I had it in less than 5 minutes dumbass)

He's not admitted anything other than but I broke up with you last week.(Does anyone else hear Ross "we were on a break")

I'm pissed off - but I know I'm done.

I can tell you it sucks a second time, but it's way easier to catch the tricks and recognized the behaviours.

Yes I hurt - this is not my fault...he wasn't the one and never was going to be.

I'll live.


I release the past so I am free to fight for my future unencumbered.

Posts: 2293 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Canada
Tired05
♀ Member
Member # 39609
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...I'm sorry, I can't imagine going through this again. In fact, I wouldn't even bother trying...or at least I would like to think that I wouldn't try to R.

But like another poster said, at least you know what you are doing this time around and know you don't have to take any of his shit.

Next time you should leave your car down the street and 'sneak' up to the apartment? But surely he wouldn't be stupid enough to invite her over again while you are away now would he?


Together 6 yrs. M 4 yrs. DD born 3/1/2013.
Me: BS -- Him: 1 EA/PA (6mos), PA (MW), and 6 ONS...Been at it for almost 5 yrs. *Still slave to TT* 1st DDay- 11/24/2012,
.....OC due in August.....

Posts: 122 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
Lighthouse Heart
♀ Member
Member # 8899
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lol - he probably would be...but I wouldn't be stupid enough to be gone overnight till I'm moved...and I have plenty of packing to do.

I have a place for the end of August - he needs to deal with it until then and find someplace else to bump uglies. If he can afford the mortgage without me (I think he has plans for her to move in but whatever) then surely he can treat her to the 59.00 flea bag motel down the street.

I've already removed jewelry, documents, my large laptop and cameras. I'll pack my net book to work each day and back. Perhaps I should take precautions for my tequila collection?

He's going to flip when he finds out it will be the end of August. I won't be bullied and have already stated as such. I just need to be calm, and grin a lot and pack. Shields up and do not engage.

I'm working on a plan B should it be needed for immediate evac - but 80% of the stuff in the apartment is mine - I brought it with me when I moved in and I'm not leaving it behind.


I release the past so I am free to fight for my future unencumbered.

Posts: 2293 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Canada
fallingquickly
♀ Member
Member # 36599
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Lighthouse Heart)))

This is why I doubt I will ever date again. I can't imagine trusting again.


Divorced and beginning my new life.


2 Ddays and lots of TT
divorcing

Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going. (Criminal Minds)

I saw him, I could not unsee him. -StrongButBroken


Posts: 453 | Registered: Aug 2012
jo2love
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 11:14 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Lighthouse Heart)))

Posts: 35853 | Registered: Mar 2011
Lighthouse Heart
♀ Member
Member # 8899
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Call me paranoid but I can feel I'm being set up to be the bad guy here.

Right after he asked me to move I changed my settings on Face Book (he wanted to remain friends yada yada yada - this was before I found anything)so that he was not able to read future post and that things posted were only available to friends and not friends of friends. I then also didn't allow any common friends (including his family) to view any future posts. This is not a huge issue because I rarely even post things but should someone else post to me that knows what's going on I wanted to keep it out of sight.

I gather he's now posting stupid little sentiments that would make one think that I've dumped him and he's heartbroken.

I've resisted the urge to post anything - both the O/W and her husband are his friends ...incidentally she used to post funny little quips and like just about all his comments up until about the time he told me to move (talk about hindsight)maybe it's just that it seems obvious that they are trying not to be seen having any communication in the wake of my departure should I try and cause trouble...

In any case it's pissing me off!

His latest was "it's sad when you finally let someone have you and they stop doing what it took to get you"...
Cheese on Toast! Are you kidding me? Buddy what's really sad is that it took 6 years for you to pretend in front of others that you 'let' me have you and I hung around that long taking your shit! Does he not remember that I didn't fill the ice cube trays to his satisfaction when there was less than 6 cubes left in the tray so he took away 2 trays until I could learn to do it properly?

I didn't even notice until last week that 6 hours before he asked me to leave and told me we were done he had posted "Moving on doesn't mean you forget about things. It just means you have to accept what happened and continue living"

It sure seems like he's trying to smell like a rose here...

Yes, I know I should delete him and I will the day I'm moved to my new place and have no ties whatsoever. For right now I'm just going to bite my tongue and observe...and post.

Just rambling - thanks for noticing lol


I release the past so I am free to fight for my future unencumbered.

Posts: 2293 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Canada
ScubaGirl
♀ Member
Member # 20001
Default  Posted: 1:10 AM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does he not remember that I didn't fill the ice cube trays to his satisfaction when there was less than 6 cubes left in the tray so he took away 2 trays until I could learn to do it properly?

I'd go and post exactly this under his comment - people would then applaud you for leaving...

Sorry - I know it doesn't feel like it when you're hurting, but you'll be better off leaving - that kind of belittling eventually eats into a person's self worth.


BW (me) - 47 (now 49)
FWH - 48 (now 51)
D-Day - 13 May 2007
Started R - 12 Sept 2007
2011 - as solid as I want us to be

Posts: 195 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: London, UK
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 1:33 AM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Damn, Lighthouse. I'm just so sorry.

At least you've got your wits about you this time around. We're here for you.

(((Lighthouse Heart)))


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17822 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Lighthouse Heart
♀ Member
Member # 8899
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just updating...I'm packing and getting ready for the move. After a very stressful first week things have leveled off. I'm doing the 180 and above all else keep reiterating to myself "I WILL NOT POKE THE BEAR" lol.

I'm being civil and god forbid almost kind in leaving things he may need...like the worthless strainer that he likes because he picked it out (no matter the thing is a bitch to clean and I never liked it)coffee mugs that I got at Ikea...stupid little things that are getting me things I want like my Sophia...our white Persian. She follows me everywhere and sleeps only with me - we have another that is more his cat than mine. So I'm keeping the peace.

There's things I've noticed in Fuck.Me.Over v2.0 that surprise me:

I'm done FULL STOP
I'm not crying
I'm not wallowing
I'm not hiding

My family knows, my coworkers know, my friends know...there is no fear of shame - he made a conscious choice to have an affair (regardless of things being rocky in our meager relationship)and tried to cover it up.

I know what happened, he knows I know what happened and I spelled out every step I believe he took down this path and his eyes almost bugged out when his blood pressure rose..."but, but why? how? you don't know that for sure?...how could you?" I told him very simply that he's not unique in any way shape or form...he followed the Asshat SOP's to the T and there were almost 40,000 stories just like this one - he was no different.

One thing that creeps me out with this is "the name" and I need a ruling on if this a curse or not lol...

2nd ex-husband's (the reason I joined here )OW named Linda

1st ex-husband's girlfriend (very quickly after I left and his best friends ex) named Linda

New ex-SO's OW named....yup...Linda

So is 3 a curse lifted, a coincidence or I should avoid any person coming in contact with me by that name for the rest of my life?


I release the past so I am free to fight for my future unencumbered.

Posts: 2293 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Canada
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Coincidence. I know a very wonderful woman by that name. Actually two.

But then I don't believe in signs. Otherwise, I'd hate all Sandys. My abusive mom is Sandy, my friend xOw1 is Sandy and there have been others that have been harmful, to a lesser degree, in my life with that name. Although after the hurricane I did say it looks like Sandy is a destructive b!tch

It's just a name.

Though xOw2's mother's name is Linda and I must say, she did a crappy job of raising her daughter, IMO. Linda is also the name of an author of a A recovery book that many rave about.

It's hard to not put weight on something like that, but I really don't believe in signs like that. More important is making sure that your picker isn't broken and you choose to be around people healthy enough to face their issues rather than self medicate through destructive actions like cheating.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11225 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
demos
♂ Member
Member # 35660
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lighthouse, i have to ask this question. You said that you had not been a couple for a long time. Had not been intimate also. He had asked you to move and you were getting your ducks in a row. It sounds like emotionally and physically the relationship was already over. Is it just the fact that he has found somebody else?

Posts: 176 | Registered: May 2012
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