I finally figured it out.
When he was very happy, it meant that he was in a new affair with a new OW.
As that A progressed, he would become very distant with me, even to the point of refusing to talk about anything, and walking out of the room or even the house if I wanted to talk.
Then the final stage, where he would be angry, would blame me for every little thing, cold, cruel, emotionally abusive in the extreme, moody, etc. I once asked him, "What's the matter? Did you have a fight with your girlfriend?" The next stage was the lies he made up about me to tell anyone who would lend an ear so that his A would look like my fault. He wanted to justify his A's and couldn't.
If I were you I might go into stealth mode for a while, but if nothing turns up, count your blessings because perhaps he simply realizes how fortunate he is to have you.
Walk a Mile In My Shoes
Married 14 yrs. Now Separated & in NC
2 grown DD's - his from previous M
4 grown kids (2DS, 2DD) mine from previous M
Now 10 months post D-Day, he's a more relaxed and much nicer person.
D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”
He’d pick fights with me for no reason at all and arguments that made absolutely no sense. Soon he was also treating my parents and my sister in an annoying way – as though their presence was an intrusion. He’d always had a good relationship with my parents and my sister, so I couldn’t understand that either – when I’d ask him about it – he would pick on some really inane thing, that again, just made no sense.
It was also his behavior that would tip me off every time NC was broken. Once the affair was discovered he stopped all the grouchy moodiness but when he’d be really happy-giddy I just knew one of them had contacted the other. And sure enough, I was right every single time.
The tough part is – once you’ve been betrayed – and lied to, you just don’t know WHAT to believe anymore. Sometimes I feel as though I can’t even trust my own gut.
So the moral of the story is – your insides are telling you something for a reason – if I were you, I’d be silently watching.
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
So many times he'd come home with an attitude. I too would ask "if he was upset with his girlfriend?" Then I would say,"don't take it out on me. Go back to where you came from with that $hit".
I am having the most difficult time forgiving how poorly he treated me when he was getting his needs met during the A. This block is hindering me from being open to embracing his attention now.
That is the price that the marriage pays for his choice to dishonor it.
Both feet pointed forward; positive
In general during that period he was in a foul mood. Unrecognizable. Angry, distant, withdrawn, grouchy, sullen.
When he'd JUST cheated though - for a few hours after, he'd actually be affectionate and loving
[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 9:44 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]
I rely on surveilence if I am really suspicious. As much as the gut confuses me, it IS the reason I found out...checked computer b/c of odd "feeling" I had never done that before.
Every time I looked at him he shot me a look that seemed like he hated me. I thought it was because i was constantly giving him the evil eye, because I had a feeling something was going on between him and OW
During the A, WH would give me the silent treatment, steal our kids away from me, tell me that they would have more fun without me, and just generally be disdainful of me. I said to him, "You have always felt lucky to be married to me. What happened? What is wrong?"
He would then make up ridiculous lies like: We don't agree on how to raise the kids. You're judgmental like your mother. We never have sex. We fight all the time.
His favorite was, "We have serious problems in our dynamic." whatever the frack that's supposed to mean. I told him that serious problems were if one of us had cancer, gambled away our money or had an affair, which of course he denied.
Thank God I had a healthy childhood and a loving family and I knew it wasn't me. But still, it was hell, it went on for a year and a half, and I don't understand how he could torture me like that. It's the emotional abuse that eroded my trust in him, more than the affair itself.
Yet, on D Day they threw each other to the curb like yesterday's garbage.
I thought it was ALL because his DD had died. I realized after D-Day that his depression was caused as much by his own guilt as it was over his DD's death because you could almost see the cloud of poison lift off him after D-day. He never had even one more suicidal drunken binge after D-day. That was almost 7 years ago.
But I must add something here. On the actual D-moment, when I caught him on a secret cell phone out in the garage, he seemed animated and jovial, completely different than how I saw him on a regular basis during that time period. Of course his jovial mood ended when he saw me and said "Oh shit!" and ended his call, knowing he'd been caught.
She wasn't jovial, but was definitely animated. You're the first BS I've heard of besides me who found out that way. Carelessness is a real affair killer it seems.
So my question---was your spouse in a happier mood during his affair?
There are those who act differently, and that is the red flag. There again, he might just be counting his blessings. Personally, I’d be wary. Trust but verify.
Drinking a lot and barely existing while I ran around like a chicken with me head cut off trying to compensate for his lack of presence.
He's better now (happier than he's ever been) - me I wallow in BS hell.