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User Topic: Was your spouse in a better mood during the A?
♀ Member
Member # 24924
Default  Posted: 6:33 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

His emotions really had me confused because there were times when he was happy, generous, loving -- and then there were the times when he would turn into a monster.

I finally figured it out.

When he was very happy, it meant that he was in a new affair with a new OW.

As that A progressed, he would become very distant with me, even to the point of refusing to talk about anything, and walking out of the room or even the house if I wanted to talk.

Then the final stage, where he would be angry, would blame me for every little thing, cold, cruel, emotionally abusive in the extreme, moody, etc. I once asked him, "What's the matter? Did you have a fight with your girlfriend?" The next stage was the lies he made up about me to tell anyone who would lend an ear so that his A would look like my fault. He wanted to justify his A's and couldn't.

If I were you I might go into stealth mode for a while, but if nothing turns up, count your blessings because perhaps he simply realizes how fortunate he is to have you.

Me-50 BW

Walk a Mile In My Shoes
Married 14 yrs. Now Separated & in NC
2 grown DD's - his from previous M
4 grown kids (2DS, 2DD) mine from previous M

Posts: 3020 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Ohio
♀ Member
Member # 37725
Default  Posted: 6:35 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWH was impatient and tense a lot of the time. Our sex life also got worse. Much of the time, he seemed annoyed with me for no discernible reason--as if he were annoyed with me for just being me. Other times, we connected well and had good times together. I chalked up his moodiness to his new job, which was highly stressful.

Now 10 months post D-Day, he's a more relaxed and much nicer person.

Me: BW, age 66
Him: WH, age 64
Married 19 years
In R.

D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA

Posts: 408 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 6:45 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he was actually more attentive to me. found out as we were putting our family cat down he was texting her about it too. when he texted me about 12 times from a basketball game I thought enough already, just enjoy the game. He was with her.

his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”

Posts: 5324 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
♀ Member
Member # 17217
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H was always even-tempered – it was unusual for him to be in a grumpy mood. If he was in a bad mood it was usually job related so I would chalk it up to job stress. Like one of the posters said – sometimes he would be happy in a giddy sort of way which I found odd and annoying and would tell him so – I’d say something like “what is going on with you, why are you acting like this?” and he’d immediately stop. And there were those times that I felt he just didn’t want to be anywhere near me – I even said to him once “I don’t think you like me anymore”

He’d pick fights with me for no reason at all and arguments that made absolutely no sense. Soon he was also treating my parents and my sister in an annoying way – as though their presence was an intrusion. He’d always had a good relationship with my parents and my sister, so I couldn’t understand that either – when I’d ask him about it – he would pick on some really inane thing, that again, just made no sense.

It was also his behavior that would tip me off every time NC was broken. Once the affair was discovered he stopped all the grouchy moodiness but when he’d be really happy-giddy I just knew one of them had contacted the other. And sure enough, I was right every single time.

The tough part is – once you’ve been betrayed – and lied to, you just don’t know WHAT to believe anymore. Sometimes I feel as though I can’t even trust my own gut.

So the moral of the story is – your insides are telling you something for a reason – if I were you, I’d be silently watching.

Me: BS
H had LTA with co-worker
Both mid-50s
Two sons - grown and on their own
DD - April 2010
Please note registration date is not correct. See my profile for details
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 1265 | Registered: Nov 2007
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, he was absolutely horrible during the 5 years he was having affairs. He was verbally and emotionally abusive. Very angry, very detached and very emotionally unavailable.

BS - Me
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking

Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My SAWH's hookup day was Thursday so he would be in a great mood that day and Friday. On the weekends he was hyper focused on the kids and snappish with me any time I asked him a question or asked him to do something.

BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ Member
Member # 39476
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so thankful for this site. Throughout this ordeal there were times that I thought that I was losing my mind. What was wrong with me that would make him so angry, so distant and so annoyed with me? During the height of his 7 year LTA, meals that I had cooked in the past, he now made suggestions on how they could be improved. WTF,me being a good cook is something that he used to brag about. This POS had the nerve once to tell me that I did not take pride in my house. Me, the person that has been accused of having OCD when it comes to cleanliness.

So many times he'd come home with an attitude. I too would ask "if he was upset with his girlfriend?" Then I would say,"don't take it out on me. Go back to where you came from with that $hit".

I am having the most difficult time forgiving how poorly he treated me when he was getting his needs met during the A. This block is hindering me from being open to embracing his attention now.

That is the price that the marriage pays for his choice to dishonor it.

ME Doing Better
WH Trying As Best He Can
Married 23 years
Status: Working towards friendship
D Day #1 - 2007 My gut told me
D Day #2 - 2010 His D told me
D Day #3 - 1/11/2013 OW Confirmed
LTA 7 years

Both feet pointed forward; positive

Posts: 456 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Inner Peace
♀ Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH cheated on me via 2 ONSs (2 different women) and one short term fling during summer 2012.

In general during that period he was in a foul mood. Unrecognizable. Angry, distant, withdrawn, grouchy, sullen.

When he'd JUST cheated though - for a few hours after, he'd actually be affectionate and loving

[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 9:44 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]


Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
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Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

During A, before I knew...before dday...he was angry, argumentative, just mean....after, while he was still seeing her, he was nice, even loving, but nervous...after what I think was the beginning of truely NC, he was up and down....normal one minute with periods of anger in between...eventually, he evened out and years later, more normal. Every now and again, I detect odd behavior..he will seem overly nice, or overly irritated or overly nervous...normal behavioral ups and downs for most people, but I read possible A behavior into everything now, soooo...who knows. As for my gut, I am not sure I trust it either...

I rely on surveilence if I am really suspicious. As much as the gut confuses me, it IS the reason I found out...checked computer b/c of odd "feeling" I had never done that before.

Posts: 605 | Registered: Nov 2010
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Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This thread was an eye opener, I thought that my H was the only one that was cold, angry and mean to me and the kids it seems like many WS are. That is really sad.

Every time I looked at him he shot me a look that seemed like he hated me. I thought it was because i was constantly giving him the evil eye, because I had a feeling something was going on between him and OW

Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
♀ Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He seemed about the same. There was only one instance when he snapped at me about something and gave me what I thought was an uncharacteristically angry look. But that's what was so scary to me-- he didn't pull back from me, which is what I thought typically happened during an A. XWH was so good at having a double life that I knew I would never be able to trust him again.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3623 | Registered: Oct 2011
♀ Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for this thread. This is one of the hardest things for me to get over.

During the A, WH would give me the silent treatment, steal our kids away from me, tell me that they would have more fun without me, and just generally be disdainful of me. I said to him, "You have always felt lucky to be married to me. What happened? What is wrong?"

He would then make up ridiculous lies like: We don't agree on how to raise the kids. You're judgmental like your mother. We never have sex. We fight all the time.

His favorite was, "We have serious problems in our dynamic." whatever the frack that's supposed to mean. I told him that serious problems were if one of us had cancer, gambled away our money or had an affair, which of course he denied.

Thank God I had a healthy childhood and a loving family and I knew it wasn't me. But still, it was hell, it went on for a year and a half, and I don't understand how he could torture me like that. It's the emotional abuse that eroded my trust in him, more than the affair itself.

Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
♀ Member
Member # 38591
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

no the opposite. He was mean, moody and barely talked.
Then once d-day came he seemed to be much happier. Must on been nice to have that "heavy" weight lifted off his shoulders and onto mine, hey.

D-DAY -22ND OCT 2012

Posts: 71 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: uk
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadly, yes. And strangely, more affectionate with ME than she had been in many years. The OM filled some void that was in her, I suppose.

Yet, on D Day they threw each other to the curb like yesterday's garbage.

Me (BS)-45, WW-43
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children

Posts: 1462 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
♀ Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine was suicidal...abusing alcohol and threatening to kill himself many times when extremely drunk, openly bawling his eyes out.

I thought it was ALL because his DD had died. I realized after D-Day that his depression was caused as much by his own guilt as it was over his DD's death because you could almost see the cloud of poison lift off him after D-day. He never had even one more suicidal drunken binge after D-day. That was almost 7 years ago.

But I must add something here. On the actual D-moment, when I caught him on a secret cell phone out in the garage, he seemed animated and jovial, completely different than how I saw him on a regular basis during that time period. Of course his jovial mood ended when he saw me and said "Oh shit!" and ended his call, knowing he'd been caught.

Posts: 5764 | Registered: Apr 2006
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry for the t/j, but - Bobbi_sue, we busted our cheating spouses the same way. I walked up on her on the side of the house, just outside of the garage, having a lover's quarrel via cell phone.

She wasn't jovial, but was definitely animated. You're the first BS I've heard of besides me who found out that way. Carelessness is a real affair killer it seems.

Me (BS)-45, WW-43
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children

Posts: 1462 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So my question---was your spouse in a happier mood during his affair?

Answer: No different. That was one of the things I looked at and examined and wondered about. Nope. He acted no differently. But he did have a lot of issues with his job and during the affair he worked for four different companies and he also did a stint working on our company for a few months (before he got another job which facilitated his affair with expense accounts, company credit card, company car, etc). He still treated me in the same way, still bought me presents, took me out for dinner, went on couple breaks, still had sex, pretty much the same. He was the master of deception and an accomplished liar.

There are those who act differently, and that is the red flag. There again, he might just be counting his blessings. Personally, I’d be wary. Trust but verify.

D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 57 y/o Him, WS, 58 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 19 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3470 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Revenge  Posted: 5:29 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He was a non responsive couch potato and generally a grouch.

Drinking a lot and barely existing while I ran around like a chicken with me head cut off trying to compensate for his lack of presence.

He's better now (happier than he's ever been) - me I wallow in BS hell.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1214 | Registered: Apr 2013
♀ Member
Member # 32919
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No. He was constantly in a foul mood, and said hurtful things not just to me but to everyone else as well. He alienated people during his affair. What I don't understand is if their AP makes them so happy, why do they act so unhappy?

Me - BS 50
Him - WS 49
SOW - 52 destitute loser
D-day 1/28/11

Posts: 578 | Registered: Jul 2011
♀ Member
Member # 23777
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

no he was evil mean and verbally abusive

The truth shall set you free or reveal the name of the OW!
ME 57
WH 64
daughter 27
You give me gifts! I don't want your gifts I want the truth. That's the greatest gift.

Posts: 1404 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: CT
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