Today, I went ahead and dug into all the emails we exchanged following dday. In a LONG written email I wrote, I found this sentence.
The truth is, I will die without you, even though I am dying inside with you.
It is just depressing how this was truly my reality then. Catch me on a good day and I will tell you how awesome R is. Today, I am just indifferent as I start to wonder just how much one has to deal with, with the person they married (whether it be infidelity or not).
If it gives you any hope at all, I can tell you that for us every year up to this one has been VERY hard for us and I found myself going back to that pain often. Within the last few months I've started to come out of that and the pain isn't like it used to be...yeah, it still hurts and it might always hurt, but it's lessening by the day. It does get better, it really does.
I hope you are feeling better today.