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User Topic: Anti-versary and a huge mistake
Embers2Fire
♀ Member
Member # 25557
Default  Posted: 1:01 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good choice BNG. I know it was a hard and difficult choice but it was the right choice. From your post one thing is clear to me. You may still love this man but you certainly do not like him. Why would you want to stay with someone for whom you have lost all trust and respect, and whose presence you can barely tolerate. Do not let him set the rules the reconciliation of this marriage. He either mans up and deals with the hard stuff or you walk. If he is setting limits than as you say he is not truly remorseful and therefore does not see the true depth of pain and hurt his actions have caused you, which in turn means he is likely to be a repeat offender. You deserve better than this. I wish you peace and strength as you ride this storm.


BS - me 49
XWH - him 48
DDay 05/08
Married 25 yrs, 2 sons 28/23
Divorced
2nd Marriage 11/1/13 livng the dream
Thanks to you I'm finally thinking about me, you know in the end the day you left was really my begnning - Kelly Clarkson

Posts: 420 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Memphis, TN
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How are you doing this morning, sweetie? ((((BNG))))


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25725 | Registered: Aug 2011
NoTriangles
♀ Member
Member # 35985
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sending you huge hugs this morning, Brave.

I'm so sorry you are hurting but I am so proud of you for honoring yourself. He has not even come close to earning your Awesomeness.

Stand tall today, my friend. You are stronger than you know.


Me: Finding my Sunlight
Him: Traitor in my Foxhole
Let go or get dragged.

Posts: 1252 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: a state of consciousness
crossroads2010
♀ Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is your 1st dday...they are hard...emotions and memories come flooding back. My dday was Oct, four years ago...the A went on for another 6 months after...dday and even those months after are still hard...just cope and get through them as best as you an...get away...focus on other aspects of your life if you can...making any major decisions/changes around the antiversary is not wise, so I would say that him moving back in now is not a good idea.

the second year seems, for most, to be a time of logical though...self examination...a time when you are able to look at your life from a new perspective. By the second year, my head cleared enough for me to re-examine me...we worked on our M, but more importantly, I worked on me...I changed and become stronger...I evolved and still am...

I am alone in coping due to WHs unwillingness to discuss it. He will listen to me, but he shuts down or gets angry and says he does not want to re-live those terrible feelings. So, he is not really remorseful in the truest sense.

Focus on you...who do you talk to? Do you have an IC?

Just know that you don't have to make a decision tday...or tomorrow. Remember that your goal now is to heal yourself.

I can feel the emotion / rage / sadness building, and I am afraid I will explode on the day itself and put an end to the marriage.

This makes me think that you are holding a lot in...you may need to let some of it out.

You certainly can't be expected to NOT have periods of these emotions...and if the marriage ends b/c you are angry and sad, it will end anyway b/c these feelings are going to surface from time to time.

The fact that the OW is so close doesn't help...

The OW in my case lives 70 miles away...in basically another world...I have never seen her in person, but even after 4 years, I wish she was on another planet.

Baby steps...get though the next week...then the next...

Eventually, the fears will lessen...the fear of letting him back into your life. the fear of cutting him lose...but it is all about changes that you make in yourself...so the next year should be about YOU...

I am not sure how old your DS is, but I do know that you emotional well-being has a huge effect on parenting ability.

Just hang in there and be a Bravenewgirl


Posts: 600 | Registered: Nov 2010
NoTriangles
♀ Member
Member # 35985
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BNG!!!

How are you doing tonight, beautiful?

I can only imagine it was a tough day. How can we help you? We are all here thinking of you and holding you in our thoughts and sending you loving energy.

XOXO


Me: Finding my Sunlight
Him: Traitor in my Foxhole
Let go or get dragged.

Posts: 1252 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: a state of consciousness
Jennifer99
♀ Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm in much of the same bad thinking mode. Your story is very inspirational.

Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thinking of you today BNG.

I hope you are taking care of yourself.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3845 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Housefulloflove
♀ Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to say that this right here...

"I am reconciling with WH because he refuses to die. "

made me lol and put a HUGE smile on my face. It's brutally honest and I love it!

But it's also a CLEAR sign that R is not going well at this point. If he isn't giving you what you need out of the house, why won't it be A LOT worse when he moves back in?


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
Bravenewgirl
♀ Member
Member # 36267
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone.

Just wanted to say thank you for all the support. Once again, SI is my lifesaver.

WH is taking it well, saying "whatever you need", which just pisses me off, because he won't give me most of the things I need. I think he is secretly relieved. I think he wants me to pull the plug so he can say that he tried, but his mean wife just could not forgive him. God forbid he ever look like the bad guy.

I think he parrots the things his IC tells him when he feels me slipping away, just to suck me back in. Then the mask slips and he goes back to being his "normal" self-involved fucking PA Douchey Mcfucknutter self.

I am so angry. At him, obviously, but also at myself for having selected such a piss poor partner in life. My co-dependency drew him to him because he was so helpless, so passive, and so in need of someone to take charge. And so the ugly cycle began.

I was never attracted to confident, independent men, because, well, they did not need me. I need to come to grips with why it is I choose these type of partners. I am sure its because I think, deep down, that if I make someone dependent on me, they will never leave me. Its all so fucked up.

Here is something I need help with. I don't think I want him anymore. But, I really don't want anyone else to have him, least of all OW, who I believe would still have him back. How fucked up is that??? I feel like one of those NPD WS who won't let their BS go.

The roller coaster ride continues.


Don't come around here no more
-Tom Petty

Posts: 661 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Canada
Bravenewgirl
♀ Member
Member # 36267
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I am reconciling with WH because he refuses to die. "

Awful, but true. I wish he were dead! Then I would not have to make these awful choices.

This man killed all my dreams. Another child (he refused), a better house (he refused), a loyal husband and best friend (he obviously fucked that one up), an intact family, which neither of us had. My dreams are DEAD! How I am supposed to not hate their killer?


Don't come around here no more
-Tom Petty

Posts: 661 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Canada
MerryMeNot
♀ New Member
Member # 35872
Default  Posted: 2:40 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get it about needing someone needy. I come from a long line of female caregivers who pick the most clueless of men as partners.

Can you channel this compulsion (?) to be needed into yourself? See yourself as The Project, you know? Take care of YOU for a change. You give your WH these breaks, these allowances...but not yourself. How about treating yourSELF with such consideration and patience? Be kind to yourself. Depend on yourself...and you'll never let yourself down.

If the Sniffin' Simian still wants WH, doesn't that say it all? She's NOTHING. And your WH sounds like a douche of the highest order. You shine through the computer screen as a capable, hilarious, articulate, intelligent, caring woman. FTG!


BS - 42
my fWH - 48
M 8 yrs, together 10
his DD/my stepDD - 14
DDay September 2004; OEAs, PA that lasted 2 months

I have suspicions! He's up to something, I can feel it....


Posts: 29 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: southeast US
Housefulloflove
♀ Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 2:46 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know how you feel. One of my worst fears used to be receiving a sudden phone call or knock on the door saying something happened to my STBX (especially when he was in the military and deployed). Certainly couldn't call it a "fear" anymore! Quite the opposite. Sad but true.

I don't yet know how to get rid of the anger and hate. Right now all I can do with those feelings is use them to motivate myself to continue to detach from the jackass.


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
NoTriangles
♀ Member
Member # 35985
Default  Posted: 5:18 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The Sniffin' Simian

Nice!

BNG, remember what your tag line was last summer? That OW was clutching her prize? And it was a greased pig? I think its time for you to let go of the pig. And dont think about where he will go or with whom. Even the Scooby Doo Velma Hippy Chimp. If he's stupid enough to trade down that far, then he's too dumb to be with you anyway. And he can't be truly happy or make anyone else happy because he is irretrievably broken.

You are young and lively and witty and beautiful Go out and find Mr. Sweetiepie Longdong. Make a new life with someone who deserves you and who reflects back all that you offer.

You are a radiant soul and you are meant to sparkle.

FTG


Me: Finding my Sunlight
Him: Traitor in my Foxhole
Let go or get dragged.

Posts: 1252 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: a state of consciousness
Bravenewgirl
♀ Member
Member # 36267
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

so now I am being punished for expressing myself. He is distant, cold, leaves the room when I walk in.

When I ask what's wrong: "Nothing, I am just tired".

I hate being 180d. I makes me feel desperate, and amplifies my urge to rugsweep so we can go back to acting like everything is okay.

Tomorrow is D-day antiversary. I think a shit storm is coming. A girl can only shovel down so much crap down her throat before it comes back up again.


Don't come around here no more
-Tom Petty

Posts: 661 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Canada
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But, I really don't want anyone else to have him, least of all OW, who I believe would still have him back.

BNG...I just want you to remember, as much as we all get this...

He cannot give himself to anyone. He isn't capable. He's broken.

He may land somewhere for a time...but where that is will depend on what woman he finds to settle for his broken-ness.

You are not that woman. You see him for who he is now and you know you deserve better.

You deserve to be loved, respected and cherished.

(((hugs)))

and screw him for being a dick and pulling a 180....cha...all that does is proves you were right to decide to go the path you chose.

FTG


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3845 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
iggyD
♀ Member
Member # 36171
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BNG - how does this:
so now I am being punished for expressing myself. He is distant, cold, leaves the room when I walk in.
When I ask what's wrong: "Nothing, I am just tired".

line up with this:

WH is taking it well saying "whatever you need"

It doesn't. And he knows you well enough to wait you out because he knows this:

I hate being 180d. I makes me feel desperate, and amplifies my urge to rugsweep so we can go back to acting like everything is okay.

BNG, you stopped the move in. Great decision. Now you must decide to work on you and to move forward. You cannot keep doing the same things expecting a different result. You simply can't. He is showing you who/what he is. Please believe him.

He has been half-assing it this whole time and now wants to sulk, pout and be non-communicative because you call him out on it? Tell him to GTFO.

You said that he killed your dreams. Ask yourself, why do you want to stay with someone like that? Why are you holding on so tightly to someone who doesn't care about the things that are important to you?? When do you get to be first?


2012 was a bitch...but I'm hopeful about 2013.

Posts: 317 | Registered: Jul 2012
StrongerOne
♀ Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"he goes back to being his "normal" self-involved fucking PA Douchey Mcfucknutter self."

OK, that made my day! Girl, you have a way with words!


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 872 | Registered: Sep 2012
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did it. Called off the move in. I am dying inside.

Best decision you could have made since this debacle started.

I'm a bit confused, though. You're saying he's "180ing" you by ignoring you when you come in the room. If you cancelled the move in, why is he there? Time for him to leave.

You know, I get a strong feeling of complete disrespect from him. Complete and utter disrespect and disregard towards you. I think that's why he's not remorseful and can't be bothered to help you in any way try to heal. Because he doesn't care. And he doesn't care because he doesn't respect you.

Unfortunately, you can NOT make someone feel something they don't feel. Don't beat your head against the wall trying anymore.

Good luck to you.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1807 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why is he in a place that he can walk out of when you walk in?

See, he's chosen not to do the work to keep his family and M intact. He needs to see what he's choosing. Which means the kids go visit him. He comes to your door to pick them up, but not in. You communicate about the kids and finances unless he actually begins to man up and do the work of shoveling through his sh!t in order to fix this. Unless he begins to pull his weight in the M.

People get comfortable and don't do more than they have to if what they have is good enough for their comfort level. No need to change. It seems like this is where he is. If he doesn't want to be a FWH, then he can try out for the role of STBXH. He doesn't get to keep you and the kids in limbo.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11225 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
iggyD
♀ Member
Member # 36171
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((BNG)))

Sending you hugs and strength today and hoping you're ok.


2012 was a bitch...but I'm hopeful about 2013.

Posts: 317 | Registered: Jul 2012
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