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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Wife's actions and/or OM making reconciliation hard?
RichieBlue46
♂ New Member
Member # 38588
Default  Posted: 4:15 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My first thread about my situation can be found here: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=493662&HL=38588
(sorry, don;t know how to create link or embed)

Quick recap is that my wife wanted a separation last September. I moved out, continued to come back at weekends to see our kids and then discovered she'd been seeing her OM for longer than I thought.
This has been now going on, with brief periods of inactivity between my wife and her OM (she considers him as 'her guy' or 'boyfriend' now as we are technically separated), but for best part, we still get on, spend time as a family-unit...but there is still this feeling from her that she wants to reconcile. She often makes little suggestions here and there about 'Actions not Words'.
However, I feel, as I did do when I found out about the OM, that I'm kind of paralyzed by what's happened and feel totally emasculated.

The prime example is as follows:
Back in March, I went over to our marital home as I do, to spend time with our boys for the weekend while she went off and spent time with OM. That particular night, she was going out to dinner with him and as she was upstairs getting ready, I went into our bedroom. She looked amazing - tight dress, makeup, hairup, nails done, heels, the works...and it reminded me of what I'd lost. I said to her, almost in a trance: "You're still the most beautiful woman I've ever seen"
She paused for a moment, looked a little puzzled, looked at me and said: "So, why?"
I said, "Why what?"
And, the look on her face....she looked crestfallen, almost tearful: "Rich, you still don;t get it do you? So why are you letting me leave our home to go into the arms of another man?"
I didn't know what to say. I just felt numb. I looked down at the floor and mumbled "I don't know Jess. Just have a good night okay?"

A lot of people here will hate me for this and be screaming, "FFS, man-up and grow a pair" (which incidentally, when we fight, is what Jess always shouts at me)
This is all well and good...but what of those betrayed husbands (and wives even) who feel so emotinally and physically affected by their other-halves' infidelity, that they feel unable to do anything to fight for or win back their wayward-spouse?

For me, it's the OM which is causing me that feeling and concern, because I've pushed for 'details' (big mistake) and Jess has told me. I don't want to go into too many sordid details but 'comparison', 'compete' and 'inadequacy' are words I can best describe this situation. In my own mind, I don't fight because she has moved-on and is getting what she needs off him...and I can't (or feel unable) to compete.

Am I juist feeling sorry for myself or is this a common scenario in 'Infidelity' situations (especially with betrayed husbands)

[This message edited by RichieBlue46 at 4:18 AM, July 1st (Monday)]


Posts: 15 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: UK
alphakitte
♀ Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 5:45 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why are you letting me . . . ?

Well for one, to stop her from CHOOSING to do what she does might get you an assault chaege!

You response should be, "Why are you choosing this?"

[This message edited by alphakitte at 5:45 AM, July 1st (Monday)]


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 349 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
RichieBlue46
♂ New Member
Member # 38588
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well for one, to stop her from CHOOSING to do what she does might get you an assault charge!

You response should be, "Why are you choosing this?"


And hers would probably be something like, "Because you haven't and aren't living up to your responsibilities as a man or a husband"...it just leads all back to the 'Actions > Words' debate (which can be applied to any 'power-struggle')

Don't know what your 'assault-charge' refers to...


Posts: 15 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: UK
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand the sense of emasculation, but it's all in your mind, and you can change it. It's not easy, but your mental health requires you to change your mind.

Remember, the A is about your W, not about you. She's doing the shameful things; you're not. She's screwing up your M; om isn't. (om isn't your problem, but he is strongly lacking in humanity, and your W is definitely affairing down; but then om is affairing down, too.)

***************************

Have you asked your W what she means by saying, 'Why are you letting me....'? What does she say?

Does she really want you to control her life? And if she does, do you want to do it?

'Compete' and 'inadequacy' sound like game-playing. Otherwise, since you're such a loser compared to om, why doesn't she just D?

Have you considered doing a 180. Cut discussions to kids and $. File for D. Put her on the spot.

I suggest that because the alternative - add the pain of uncertainty to the pain of being betrayed - seems more painful than waiting for your W to get her head out of her ass.
**************************

It's a lot easier, IMO, to be open here if you're anonymous. I suggest you reconsider using real world names in your posts, unless, of course, they're not your or your W's names.
***************************


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10063 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi RichieBlue46,

In my own mind, I don't fight because she has moved-on and is getting what she needs off him...and I can't (or feel unable) to compete.

I responded on your mentioned first thread, and my advice then still holds.

Am I juist feeling sorry for myself or is this a common scenario in 'Infidelity' situations (especially with betrayed husbands)

Yes, you are feeling sorry for yourself.

...and it reminded me of what I'd lost.

ummmm, yea. A bitch who relies on her H to babysit her kids so she can go be with her OM.

I don't know Jess. Just have a good night okay?"

Quit caring about her, she does nto care about you. you are enabling her A with the OM. You pay bills, watch kids, make it easy for her to play the available single woman.

I do not see that you and your W are in R. She is in an A and you are in limbo.

Your example is a 3 month old story, what have you done since? What are you dong to make a difference in your life? If you do not start taking action to change things, you will be at teh same place in September as you are now, and still there at the end of the year.

Can you make an IC appointment, explain you situation and that you want help to move on and tzake back control of your life.


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4128 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

'Compete' and 'inadequacy' sound like game-playing.

And complete B.S.

Unless the two of you waited until marriage, she knew what you had to offer before marriage. And chose to marry you.

She sounds cruel and off-the-charts narcissistic.


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1380 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
aesir
♂ Member
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To answer the titular question, yes your wife's actions are making reconciliation hard. The action that springs to top of mind is dating. Very hard on reconciliation if one spouse is actively dating others.

Don't know what your 'assault-charge' refers to...
Because if you try to stop her from doing what she wants, you can be charged with assault. How else are you supposed to stop her without using physical force.

If she is openly dating rather than sneaking around, it is over. See a lawyer.

There is a post over in Wayward called What If It's Rejection. Probably make some good reading for you. http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=431331


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
Kalliopeia
♀ Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

why did you move out? she is the one who is having the affair. SHE should move out.

Move home, file divorce and for 100% custody.


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
RichieBlue46
♂ New Member
Member # 38588
Default  Posted: 3:32 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry everyone - I should've re-point our that since last August, we are SEPARATED.
That's why I posted it here.
It's not an AFFAIR.

Posts: 15 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: UK
aesir
♂ Member
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 4:47 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So within 6 days of you moving out she begins seeing someone, and has continued seeing him for almost a year now, without bothering to date any other people? Within a week she just found that special person she wants to have a committed relationship with?

I am sure you can see the improbable logistics of that story if you were to read it from another.

Up in JFO, we have a member Bufffalo who is a great help to many who first come here. Paraphrasing some of his advice, you have to understand that losing your wife is not the worst thing that can happen, there is something far worse... having to share her.

She is not ready to have you move back in, because that would interfere with her affair. Yes, I do believe that it is an affair. 6 days after you moved out is when it came out of the shadows, but it was going on at an emotional level at least for a while before that.

I was really good at digging up info. My STBXWW would eventually admit to having an affair, she claimed it started because of certain events, but when I dug deeper, I traced it back to almost two years before what she was willing to admit. The date she admitted to was something that would preserve her image somewhat.

Your WW is feeding you crumbs to keep you around as a backup plan because she is uncertain about how her affair will play out. If it does not work out with OM, she will come back to you for a while, but without the proper work, she will be looking for the next one.

I can recognize the desperation in your words, you would likely take her back and try to keep things pleasant and not be confrontational about it, try to protect her, try to nice guy her back into having a good marriage. This tactic will fail in the long run.

What you need to do is be prepared to lose her, that is the only hope you have of getting her back. If and when she does come back to you, you must have your conditions for taking her back, you must insist that she does the work to address her issues, or you will find yourself in the same position again, just a lot closer to, or past 50, with a lot less time and energy to move on with the rest of your life.


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RB46,

It may not be an A in your perception, but our responses are based off:

...or is this a common scenario in 'Infidelity' situations (especially with betrayed husbands)

I responded on your mentioned first thread, and my advice then still holds.

Your example is a 3 month old story, what have you done since? What are you dong to make a difference in your life?

Can you make an IC appointment, explain you situation...

Your W left you nearly a year ago and is dating a man she claims to be happy with. Whether it is normal or not to feel sorry for one's self, it is not helathy nor productive.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 8:51 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4128 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
realitybites
♀ Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my wife wanted a separation last September. I moved out, continued to come back at weekends to see our kids and then discovered she'd been seeing her OM for longer than I thought.

It is an affair, it started before you two technically "separated". And boy is this WS 101 crap. Ask for a separation because they aren't happy or you are to blame bullsh** and then very quickly they are dating their OM/OW.

You seem to be taking the blame for this and until you get some help like IC for you I fear you will continue to "buy" only her side of the story.


Posts: 5642 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
Topic Posts: 12

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