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User Topic: Worst fear happened (a little graphic)
savvy
♀ Member
Member # 39102
Default  Posted: 6:41 AM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well my H and I were intimate for first time since D-day. It didn't go so well. it was fine to start but he couldn't keep his erection. Sorry to be graphic. He says it isn't that he isn't,t attracted to me , he was worried about it happening so he thinks that's part of it. It has happened before
Dday but I can't help thinking it will hamper us trying to work on R. He says it won't that we just need time. I can't help but think its me that doesn't (excite) him. He claims it even has happened with Ap. has anyone else had this problem?


me-BS (49)
him-WH (49)
2 children 21 and 19
Together 30 years
Ow-(30)and she knew me knew he is married.
D-day 1 4/24/2013
D-day 2. 7/9/2013. Day after anniversary
D-day 3. 8/12/13.
Filing for divorce

Posts: 135 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: connecticut
noprincess
♀ Member
Member # 38660
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((savvy)))

Yes...and the first few times it reduced me to tears. Then I began to realize that my H wanted intimacy with me and he was feeling pressure to perform and totally sensing my damaged self image...all of this contributed to intimacy problems.

Believe me, this is not about you, honey. No man starts being intimate without the goal of finishing He is likely feeling a lot of performance related stress.

Also, your H and mine are the same age. When's the last time he went to the doctors for a physical? My H discovered he had some health problems that were contributing to intimacy issues. Time for your H to have a check-up!

(((savvy))) Put away your doubts honey, this is NOT about you, I promise.


"Never, never, never give up." - Winston Churchill

Posts: 138 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
mike7
♂ Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he needs to get his cholestrol checked. At our age everything is about cardiovascular health. not that I would know.


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 510 | Registered: Mar 2013
FightingBack
♀ Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

savvy,

Yes, this happens, and I try not to let it send me into a tailspin. Talk about it, or not, I don't know. I wish I could say it happened with the OW but it didn't. Kind of knocks your self esteem doesn't it? But hear what the other posters say and take heart that it isn't at all you. I think our WH are feeling quite a bit of pressure in that department.

Couldn't help but laugh at Mike's tag line though!


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 719 | Registered: Feb 2012
Phoenix519
♀ Member
Member # 26186
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, and yes it happened with the AP also. It took me along time to sort through it and not take it as he wasn't interested in me, because it just felt like another blow to my already fragile self esteem. But it's not. It has nothing to do with you or me.

It's fear of hurting you, triggering you and the guilt he feels.

It took time, and now we're fine. But it does take a lot of time.

We made 10 minutes of cuddle time every evening our priority. That, along with a lot of help and reassurance on both our parts has gotten us on the road to a better place.

He did go to the doctor for a check up and got a prescription, if you know what I mean, to help us along but they're not needed anymore.

Hang in there, this is just another thing to endure on the way to R. But it can get better.

IT"S NOT YOUR FAULT. I promise.


Posts: 581 | Registered: Nov 2009
mike7
♂ Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Couldn't help but laugh at Mike's tag line though!


ha ha, very funny. Wasn't referring to that. And i've got cholesterol medicine and running daily, so... problem solved!


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 510 | Registered: Mar 2013
thecosmogirl
♀ Member
Member # 39707
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This has happened to me also. And has happened before the A. He said it happened with the OW too.
How funny (not) that I had suspicions of an A when it first happened, yet blew it off because my H was the best there ever was and our life and marriage was almost a fairytale. I had him on such a pedestal, bragging to anyone what an awesome person he was.....I am going to blow up that pedestal with Tannerite today


Me: BS
Him: doesn't matter anymore...or does it...

Being very, very careful

D-day 14 June 2013


I'm smart, good looking and gosh darn it, people like me!


Posts: 155 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: trying to figure it out
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And with me, it's the opposite. He can't orgasm. He has "mini" ones. Granted, he had this sort of problem before, but after 4 years of a sexual desert, then ADs, it's even worse than ever. And though I know it's not my fault/problem, it makes my heart ache.

The only gratification I get is that he couldn't finish for the OW. Insert grim smile here.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4551 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
savvy
♀ Member
Member # 39102
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for making me feel like its not me. I guess I should feel good that I could even get him "excited". I guess if he didn't desire me he wouldn't have even been able to start. He thinks its the pressure and stress. He tells me I'm very desirable and shouldn't feel it was me. I think we jumped in too soon before we were either emotionally ready. I probably put too much pressure on it just looking reclaim what was mine. If it happens again I guess there is always meds to help


me-BS (49)
him-WH (49)
2 children 21 and 19
Together 30 years
Ow-(30)and she knew me knew he is married.
D-day 1 4/24/2013
D-day 2. 7/9/2013. Day after anniversary
D-day 3. 8/12/13.
Filing for divorce

Posts: 135 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: connecticut
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my wxh's case, it only happened when he was with the MOW.

[This message edited by Williesmom at 4:44 PM, June 30th (Sunday)]


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7416 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Ladyogilvy
♀ Member
Member # 31558
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Savvy- Cialis! Seriously. Much better than Viagra because there's a much, much bigger window of opportunity. They are expensive but 1/2 often is plenty. It's worth it regardless.

Skan- ADs will do that... I don't know if Cialis would help that particular problem. IMO. ADs aren't worth it unless we're talking serious situation. If he goes of the ADs, he could try amino acids and herbal remedies. He should not take the amino acids and ADs together though. They can be a very bad combination.

[This message edited by Ladyogilvy at 5:29 PM, June 30th (Sunday)]


Me: BW a youthful 49
Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 56
Married 19 years
Two sons, 16 & 17 years old
DD? He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputable
evidence of... the $2000 earrings he bought her for x-mas.

Posts: 1512 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
avicarswife
♀ Member
Member # 35799
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happened to us as well - WH was worried about how I would perceived it. I have to say it did send me into a spin as it was the first time it had ever happened in our relationship.

I don't know if it ever happened with the OW but I guess not. Otherwise WH would have told me - he'd think it would be reassuring!

At the time he had just tripled his ADs so that may have had something to do with it. It settled after a couple of months however even now on the odd occasion things can be a bit up and down and up!

Besides he's at the age it can be an issue.


BS: 47 (me)
WH: 51
Married 26 yrs, 3 kids (16-24)
D-Days 2012: 23 - 24 May + TT
D-Day 2013: 12 Apr OW#3
mOW #1 EA yrs PA Feb 2009-end 2011
mOW #2 EA months PA 4 months 2010
OW #3 PA single time 2010
Status: Maybe 'R'

Posts: 711 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: "down-under"
Topic Posts: 12

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