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Newest Member: Lovelost26 (45077)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Hello
Myname
♂ Member
Member # 23138
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know I haven't posted in a while here but I thought I'd check in.

I don't even know where to start. I guess things have been going pretty good. I've gone to a few IC appointments and I like the IC. I know that's half the battle. Things have been going well with SO. She is coming to visit July 4th (this is a LDR).

I've been doing okay with not cutting. But about a week or so ago I had a really bad trigger, more like a flashback to "that moment" on D-day. I ended up cutting myself. The temptation is still very much there. I think about it a lot. When something goes wrong it's my first thought as a solution. I think about doing it even if nothing is wrong. There is a part of me that does not want to give it up at all. But I also know that keeping the cutting would mean losing SO.

I've been cleaning the house today b/c SO is coming. And I came across some trigger stuff that I deciding was time to throw out. I'm very tempted to get it out of the garbage now. I guess it's once again admitting that the M is over and that I failed.

I'm pretty depressed now. I don't feel like cleaning or doing anything at all.


DD: 1-14-09 EA/PA OM #1
TT: 5-11&12-09
DD#2: 5-18-09 EA OM #2
5-31-09: Told me she hasn't loved me.
No kids
Me BH: 38
12-08-10: S

Posts: 3042 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Inside your computer.
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad you checked in, MyName.
I guess it's once again admitting that the M is over and that I failed.

Stop me if you've heard this before... YOU DID NOT FAIL. You absolutely, positively did. not. fail. The end of the marriage is not on you, MyName. I wish you could believe in that, because it is the truth.
I'm pretty depressed now. I don't feel like cleaning or doing anything at all.
Remember how much p90x helped? Pull that out and give it a whirl. Or go for a drive/ride. Do something to change the view, and the emotions will change as well.

((((hugs))))


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25531 | Registered: Aug 2011
sheila0304
Member
Member # 25041
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry you're having a bad day. I've had many bad days myself, the good news is they pass.
Be kind to yourself
((Myname))

Posts: 1172 | Registered: Aug 2009
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13756 | Registered: Jul 2011
Lyonesse
♀ Member
Member # 32943
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the M is over and that I failed.
The M is over but you didnít fail Ė you are growing, becoming healthier, and have a SO who cares about you. Donít let your exís failure keep you from giving your best to this new person, and accepting her best. Please, please look forward. That is where your life lies.

Have you talked with the IC yet about how to deal with this?

[This message edited by Lyonesse at 7:49 PM, June 29th (Saturday)]


Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1796 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for checking in.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7697 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
little turtle
♀ Member
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad to hear from you.


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4185 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Happy  Posted: 10:01 PM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG !!!!!!!


HIIIIIIIIIIIIII .... Keep wondering how you are. So glad to hear your doing well.

The trigger things, what if, you store them away out of sight and then go through them when SO get's there ??? Kinda have like a ritual throwing away or burning or mutilating of the items ...

I'm sooooooo glad you posted ....

SQUEEEEE


I am fiercely independent and I wonít apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18795 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: OK - Hot as hell here !!!!!!
tryingagain74
♀ Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, myname. Glad you checked in.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3607 | Registered: Oct 2011
wildbananas
♀ Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad you popped in! And I agree with Empress. Change the view. I know it always helps me.


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15403 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
heartbroken_kk
♀ Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Myname!!!! Hey great to hear from you!

FANTASTIC NEWS THAT YOU FINALLY STARTED SEEING AN IC! Wow and hurray!

We all have highs and lows and I'm so sorry to hear you are in a low right now. I hope it passes soon.

How many sessions have you had in IC? I go once a week, same day same time, is that what you do?

How is the landscape business? I love how gorgeous gardens can be in the summer but it sure is a lot of work keeping up

Here is a hug, just because. (((((Myname)))))

[This message edited by heartbroken_kk at 11:19 AM, June 30th (Sunday)]


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1205 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
Myname
♂ Member
Member # 23138
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello everyone and BB too.

The M is over but you didnít fail Ė you are growing, becoming healthier, and have a SO who cares about you. Donít let your exís failure keep you from giving your best to this new person, and accepting her best. Please, please look forward. That is where your life lies.

Have you talked with the IC yet about how to deal with this?

It is a topic that I was told by IC last time would be discussed at my next appointment which is tomorrow. I've been pretty stubborn on that one. I'm not sure how to get around that. I'm not a quitter and I don't like to fail. I'm a perfectionist and make unreasonable and unrealistic demands on myself.

How many sessions have you had in IC? I go once a week, same day same time, is that what you do?

I've only been to 2 sessions so far. I go every other week on Monday's. It's the only day I have off.

How is the landscape business?

Business has been going really well. I had to hire someone to help. I went through a few people but I think I found someone that is going to be the right fit. I was mowing 60 lawns in 4 days! I got to a point where I couldn't take on more mowing jobs and I couldn't do any extra work like trimming bushes. Not to mention I was exhausted. So I had to find help.

I'm still working out 3-4 days a week. I'm gaining weight/muscle and am in the best shape of my life. I look good and feel good. I have a ton of energy now and I eat like a horse. I eat every 1-2 hours. I've tripled the number of calories I eat from a year ago. I'm really proud of myself.

I am so fast with a weed eater now that it is not unusual for me to have an audience. People always ask me how I'm able to do that so fast b/c I'm just a blur flashing across the yard.


DD: 1-14-09 EA/PA OM #1
TT: 5-11&12-09
DD#2: 5-18-09 EA OM #2
5-31-09: Told me she hasn't loved me.
No kids
Me BH: 38
12-08-10: S

Posts: 3042 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Inside your computer.
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a pretty awesome update Myname. You just sound *good* and that makes me happy to hear.

Re; the failing at M thing, and this statement in particular

I'm not a quitter and I don't like to fail. I'm a perfectionist and make unreasonable and unrealistic demands on myself.

I get it. I really do. I'm a perfectionist and am so hard on myself. Always trying to get things right and solved and done. I'm working at the moment on embracing my messy fuck ups and being ok with it. And one way I've been doing this is trying to reframe some of that perfectionist thinking. So it isn't that I failed at my M, but rather my M and my xWH failed me. Neither were good enough for me. In fact, if I did indeed err, it was in not honoring myself and leaving loooong before I finally did.

I hope you can see that. That your xWW failed YOU. Your M failed YOU. Not the other way around. And look at what an awesome job you are doing taking care of yourself. And how far you've come. I hope you are proud of yourself and see this. We here certainly do!


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3107 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
inconnu
♀ Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so glad you checked in, and I'm thrilled you've found an IC you like. Can't wait for the day that you post that you've finally figured out you're as awesome as the rest of us know you are.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12151 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
Too_Trusting
♀ Member
Member # 99
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

myname,

I, like everyone else, is glad you checked in. I just have to tell you this:

If you substitute SMOKING for CUTTING in your initial post, I could have written it. I just find that sooooo ironic, and oddly comforting for me and my struggle to quit smoking. I did really well for about 8 months, then sneaked a smoke here and there, and then sneaked more, then quit again, then cheated, then quit, and fell into a vicious circle. I'm back in the quitting realm, tho.

OMG, we're in a parallel universe...Maybe we can quit cutting/smoking together???


"Anyone perfect must be lying; anything easy has its cost. Anyone plain can be lovely; anyone loved can be lost." Barenaked Ladies

Posts: 2469 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: North Carolina
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So happy to see your update - you made it to IC, that is awesome.

I saw a post on Baggage Reclaim's FB site today:

The healthy decision (as in the one that reflects your own needs, wishes and expectations) doesnít always feel good immediately but if you give it time instead of undermining it, it will begin to pay off. Trust the process. Trust you.

It really hit home with me, and I thought of it when reading your post Myname.

So glad you are doing so well. I am keeping up the workouts more now too. I've started doing kettlebell workouts and I am SORE all the time, lol.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4563 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 16

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