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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: My heart needs a hug you guys
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Concerned  Posted: 3:24 PM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So last night was pretty lousy and I welcome any feedback from both the BS and the WS.

We were watching a movie and my H brought up a similar movie "we" had seen. I could not recall it and said, "perhaps you are confusing me with someone else." He insisted that he must have seen it alone then. I said, "or not."

He then said, "You are not being fair." and that is when I lost it. I even shoved him! I cannot stand this you guys! It is so unlike me!

When I calmed down I explained to him all about being bfair. I said, "not only do I have to deal with the images of you having sex with someone else but even when I am having a 'regular' moment, something (like the movie) might invade my thoughts and off I go into affair-land.

Here's another every day example...we went to see World War Z and Pitt's wife's name was HER name. I just cringed. Fuck! It's like you cannot escape this bloody issue.

I don't go looking for "trouble" but when something triggers out of the blue, I either handle it well or I lose my cool.

So, I asked him this morning to go to the WS forum and read: What Every WS Should Know that HUFI-PUFI posted. I fell back asleep and when I woke up he came in to tell me that it was so helpful. He thanked me for letting him know it was there. He hugged me. He apologized. Told me there is only me.

I get anxious wondering when the next explosion will occur. I really do want to feel better. But some days my head is a broken as my heart.

I also wanted to write that we will soon be visiting my family. The affair person lives in the same city. This will be the first time we are there together since I found out about the A. I guess I am anxious about going "home" knowing that a) I am a changed person and my parents will sense this, b) this is where the A "got legs" and c) if he goes to head office, he will surely run in to her. He is dreading this too.

ps: I have since realized that we did see that movie, in the theatre two years ago.

[This message edited by LA44 at 3:30 PM, June 29th (Saturday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 1807 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
fourever
♀ Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((LA44) I'm sorry. Unfortunately, we BS's are collateral damage of poor life decisions we had no say in.

It will get better. It takes dreaded time. I think that you never forget, but you learn to live with this. Outburst get fewer, perhaps they go away, but perhaps they don't. This hurt is so incredibly deep, that even when fws does absolutely everything right since we found out, the little bit of scar is still there, living inside. Perhaps to protect us.
I hope that makes sense. I am happy he read, understood and came to you to apologize and say so.


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 850 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
fourever
♀ Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wanted to add:

Would it be possible for you to join him should he need to go to the office? Just tell them you are on your way someplace else immediately after, so you are accompanying him that day.

Don't underestimate how strong you are. You can do this.


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 850 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
Knowing
♀ Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm 9 months out, the triggers w/outbursts get less intense and further apart the further out you get. I beat my fWH... repeatedly... with a pillow at 3 months out. Don't try to curb it. If you're anything like me it'll just get worse if you try to cotrol it or hold back. Just go with it. It gets better.

Unfortunately, my fWH's A included many cities and all I can do is deal with the triggers as they come up. I'm in one of those cities right now. There's a lot to be said for "reclaiming".


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 697 | Registered: Oct 2012
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you fourever and Knowing.

I can imagine the pillow beating, Knowing!

Yes. That is a good point you made about the office visit, fourever.

We do have a conference out west in the fall. I think he is thinking, "if the triggers happen now, what will happen if in the same room?" Part of me wants to go though. I was MIA for all previous conferences (where it started) as young. I want people to know who I am.

I did let him know we saw the movie together and I apologized.

Thank you SI for this site.
Coping is easier bc you guys are here to hold a cyber hand.

[This message edited by LA44 at 5:35 PM, June 29th (Saturday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 1807 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

La,

Like the others have said, it takes time. If he is handling things right with your triggers, not being defensive, walking through it with you, being empathetic, these all go a long way to help lessen the impact of them. At least it did with me.

I remember on of my worst ones in the beginning, came out of left field, didn't see it coming. We went to a concert, our favorite band since we were teenagers. We get there, everything is great, and then all of the sudden I realize that she could be there. I hadn't even thought about it. And I ask Hlessons about it and he says it is possible but he doubts it. You see one of the things they had in common was music. At that point I started to spiral, and Hlessons handled it badly because he wanted to enjoy the concert and he didn't want me to ruin it. Needless to say, it went horrible, we left early and I was beyond pissed for a few days. I can tell you that he has come such a long ways since then and it has helped me walk through these triggers and start leaving them behind me.

I hope that he really gets what that post in wayward has to say. It is his job to help you with this.

Big hugs, this does get better, with time. I promise.


Me43 Him 43 Hardlessons DS 24,22,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth”
― Pema Chödrön

Posts: 3663 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey LA.

Well, you apologized for being mistaken about the movie, which I think was the right thing to do.

Unfortunately things come up and we are not always able to think rationally in the moment.

Your husband needs to understand that he created this storm so it is to be expected, sudden shots of pain and outbursts happen.

What I had to learn to do was stop myself from reacting in the moment. I had to learn to bite my tongue and hold my thought for a bit. I needed to be able to go through my "gut reaction" so if there was really an issue I could bring it up without anger (which we know is just hurt and fear wrapped up in a snarky package).

When I did this many times I found there really was no issue I either read something wrong or made a mountain out of a mole-hill KWIM?

Stopping my outbursts allowed me to regain my self control. I couldn't go through our married life jumping everytime something was "off" because after an A our minds can create "off" from a bucket of rainbows.

So relax, accept it happens and try to react slowly next time. If you need a minute run things through your brain a few times, pick it apart and find out if there really is something worth discussing.

It is a good way to start down the road independant of the A. Eventually you will be able to trusst your mind a bit more and those gut reactions won't happen so much.

Regarding the office, I agree with fourever, if you want to go with him then go.

BUT get ready. He will see her one day. You may bump into her at your conference you may be angry you may be in complete control...but these scenarios happen, so expect it.

If it were me I would be ok with him going to the office, with a game plan. If he sees her then he will do x,y and z. then call you...plan it out both the office visit and the conference. What will you do when you see her. What do you want him to do when you bump into her together. Your husband needs a plan too. He will be just as nervous as you and if he doesn't have a game plan he won't be able to read your mind in the moment and may not react the way you need him to. So eliminate the confusion up front and get ready to face these tough situations together. It isn't so overwhelming when you know exactly how you will both react.

(((hugs)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3248 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@ tired girl...
I hope that he really gets what that post in wayward has to say. It is his job to help you with this.

Yes. I believe he did. He walked in the bedroom with such purpose and said it was one of THE BEST things he has read. He has read two books as well and goes to IC. Thank you for your comforting words. Sharing music would kill me. It was one of the BIG things I grilled him about.

@karmarules - thank you (again) for the wise words. Yes. I do need to stop. Bite my tongue. I felt like I went years with biting my tongue during the A when I noticed things were "off"...but yes, in this case, I agree it would have been better to be quiet for a bit and then go back to it if need be.

Great suggestions re: office and conference. He did see her last week. She flew in town for a colleagues funeral. The usher led him down the aisle to the "work" pew.... and there she was. He was caught off guard. Luckily, another colleague was beside her. H said he sat down and prayed other colleague would not make small talk. He said there was nothing. Not even eye contact. As soon as the funeral ended he got out fast.

I think that moment scared him and made him think about the conference. Yes. We need a plan. Several for sitch, X, Y, and Z.

Thanks ladies. We are going to watch that movie now!


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 1807 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Remember you are biting your tongue now to clear your head. ..... not to ignore or rug sweep. Issue....bring it up. Non issue. Keep walking.

Different kind of biting your tongue.

Enjoy your movie!


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3248 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear karmahappens...very good posts !! You are so right about holding your tongue and a healthy type of tongue biting.

I am learning to do this. Truthfully, I could have benefited from this pre-A! Smile

((La44)). You are doing good and are experiencing what I feel and do too. Very good that you apologized when you realized your part in this misunderstanding.

Hang tough!

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 7:49 AM, June 30th (Sunday)]


ME: 42 BH
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012 by 1 email to OM...OM did NOT respond.
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred...may never incur.

Posts: 2706 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
pendant
♀ Member
Member # 32890
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((LA)) If you both are committed to R., I suppose I may go ahead with crib notes and tell you that the explosions are bound to recur. Best I can tell u is first of all echo from another member, that it gets better. But from experience it takes such a lot of emotional energy that you might have to have a strategy for both of you on what you will do (individually) when these rages surface...and after you cool down think of what you feel worst about and vow never to repeat it, next time...

[This message edited by pendant at 9:37 PM, June 29th (Saturday)]


"Once forgiving begins, dreams can be rebuilt. When forgiving is complete, meaning has been extracted from the worst of experiences and used to create a new set of moral rules and a new interpretation of life's events."

Posts: 419 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: North Carolina
fourever
♀ Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I, on the other hand, never hold back now, no matter what. Sometimes I'm wrong, but holding back and being the understanding, non bitching "good wife", is what brought me here.
Oy!
Now, I just shoot it out and the chips fall where they may. Works for me.


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 850 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I, on the other hand, never hold back now, no matter what. Sometimes I'm wrong, but holding back and being the understanding, non bitching "good wife", is what brought me here.

^^^ is why I said this

Remember you are biting your tongue now to clear your head. ..... not to ignore or rug sweep. Issue....bring it up. Non issue. Keep walking

It is definitely not about holding back, it's more about regaining control of yourself and starting to manage the "craziness" that can settle in your mind...

The holding your thoughts was for me so I could regain control and evaluate if what I had to say was a knee-jerk reaction or warranted feelings.

If I went through my M spewing every hateful thing that came into my head there would ultimately be damage to my R. Being the BS doesn't give me a pass to say things to my H that are hurtful or mean...I need to be accountable and thoughtful with my words as well as actions.

JMO

[This message edited by karmahappens at 10:19 PM, June 29th (Saturday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3248 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
fourever
♀ Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do get it. I'm not saying hateful things, I just don't put up with any non-sense anymore. If I'm triggering, say something nasty, I usually apologize and he is very understanding that this still happens on occasion, and it's a gut reaction to my hurt and the current situation, not intended as an attack to hurt him intentionally.
When he reverts to some old behavior that I was quietly angry or upset about before, (like treating me like an employee or maid), I now call him out on it immediately.
Hope I didn't t/j.


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 850 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I'm triggering, say something nasty, I usually apologize and he is very understanding that this still happens on occasion, and it's a gut reaction to my hurt and the current situation, not intended as an attack to hurt him intentionally.

for me, understand...for me, maybe not you...I did not want to say gut-reaction nasty things.It isn't who I am.

I am not saying I never slipped up and said things I shouldn't have, but I became conscious of my choice of words and the negative impact they could have on my R.

R meant that I had to heal too, and controlling the negative thoughts was a large part of R for me.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 5:09 AM, June 30th (Sunday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3248 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
lost_in_toronto
♀ Member
Member # 25395
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((LA44)))

Just time for a hug cause I'm on the run. Thinking of you!

[This message edited by lost_in_toronto at 11:23 PM, June 29th (Saturday)]


Me: BS/38
Him: WS/36
DDay: August 23, 2009
Together 13 years.
Reconciled.

Posts: 1621 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: not toronto anymore
Searchingforhope
♀ Member
Member # 38437
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((LA44)

if he goes to head office, he will surely run in to her. He is dreading this too.

At one point I came to the conclusion that I was going to face the OW. I was sick of "hiding" from her. I had nothing to be ashamed of, and she had so much to be ashamed of. I wanted her to see me and my H together and show her that she didn't break us. I went to the AA meeting with my FWH, where they had met. I sat directly across from her. I smiled and chatted with my H and our AA friends. I felt really good afterwards.. like I had taken my power back.

If your H is going to go someplace where the OW may be, then I urge you to go with him.

((((hugs to you)))


Me: BW 51 (didn't have a clue)
Him: FWH 54(extremely remorseful about his stupid midlife crisis)
Married 27 yrs

PA that lasted approx. 2 weeks. OW was a younger but totally screwed up %#@%!

DDay 4-25-12
Reconciling


Posts: 130 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: California
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow! A lot happened when I was watching the movie (the Impossible about the 2004 Tsunami). Thank you all for your input!

karmahappens.....

Remember you are biting your tongue now to clear your head. ..... not to ignore or rug sweep. Issue....bring it up. Non issue. Keep walking.

Yes. Okay. I realize more and more how MANY on my side of the family do NOT bite their tongue and it has gotten to the point with my mom/sister that they are rather used to getting a tongue-lashing from the other. It is awful to be around. I saw myself in them at some point. Perhaps that is why I held back during the A. But...I do see the diff now between what I was doing then and what I need to do now.

SfH...

. I had nothing to be ashamed of

The truth. I have spoken these same words.

Have a good Sunday/long weekend here in Canada!

[This message edited by LA44 at 10:14 AM, June 30th (Sunday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 1807 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Topic Posts: 18

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