I keep digging my hole deeper and deeper. I spent the past two months ensuring, promising, repeating, everything, that I would not lie to my wife any more. One of the main points was the OW that works with me (I'm in Illinois, she's in PHX). I was to tell my BS each/every time the OW contacted me. I did, but not nearly as much as I should have. I told my wife that the emails from her were to a group of people, which is partly true. However, there were emails back and forth between us (still business in nature), that I did not fully disclose. That in turn nullifies what I was telling her, completely. I even went so far as to move those emails to the trashcan, which I told my wife i do not do. There was one email in which I fixed a file, but worded the email to the OW as if I did it specifically for her. I would also get response emails from OW saying I was “awesome” or whatnot, based on the work I did. I didn’t respond back to those, but my wife saw them nonetheless. Therefore it looks as if I am maintaining a friendly relationship with the OW, and when I hear that from my wife, I agree with her….it just doesn’t look good. This specific OW is the worst of all of them...the absolute worst. Out of all the incidents, this OW hurts my wife the most.
My wife told me I needed to write a NC email to her, which I did. We went over it together, as I read quite a few examples on here and wanted to make it blunt, short, and to the point. I did write the letter and had my wife read it. Since the only email address I have for the OW is work, and I do NOT want her to have my personal email account, I sent it via work email. My wife and I sat together and saw it get sent to her. I should have initiated that email. I should have done it on my own accord. Since then, there have been 2 emails from OW, and all have been to the group. I did tell my wife about the first one immediately, and I will keep that up.
Now, each day when I get a message from her, regardless if it's to me or to the group, I am going to message my wife immediately. My responses will need to be direct and to the point, with no possible way of any interpretation beyond business. What I did absolutely looks like I am trying to maintain a relationship w/ this woman. It does, and I know that (and knew that), but still did it. I was trying to maintain only a business relationship (OW serves a function in the business process for my customer, and I cannot get around that). Also, when I get home, I’ll be booting up my laptop so she can take a look and see what’s going on as well. I was to do that because I need to have that transparency…now more than ever. Part of the R agreement was looking for a new job, of which I have a VERY good opportunity that could come to fruition next week. If so, there would be zero contact with the OW, absolutely none. However, I will continue to give full access to my wife regarding work contact at the new job.
When all this went down (DDay(s)), we went through and deleted all my email accounts, and my Linkedin. Now, I have only one personal email, and a new Linkedin (one of the OW was on my original Linkedin, and would show up on the “People who viewed this profile also viewed” list, so my wife had a constant reminder). My wife has access to both. It came up that I could easily have another email account. Because I had FireFox and Chrome on my laptop, the reasoning was I could use incognito windows to hide any other email account. We both have iPads and mine stays unlocked; she has access to my phone and phone records, and we share a personal laptop, though I very rarely use it (she uses it predominately for school). I have actively chosen to uninstall both FF and Chrome from my work laptop (we still run Windows XP, and I cannot update IE, and the version I have does not have incognito windows). I am doing this so that option is not there in order to work towards ensuring her that I only have the one account.
Basically, I hear the words and I understand what they mean, and in my heart I need and WANT to make these changes. I am just doing a piss-poor job on the execution. Boundaries are a topic we’ve talked about, and it is a HUGE importance to the R. I understand what they are (regarding work, friends, family outside the marriage etc…). I hear them, I understand them, but I execute worth crap. My question is, how do you set those boundaries, and how do you maintain them? How do you develop those good habits…those habits that help you BS love you again, trust you again? I know how badly the lies hurt my wife….I can see it in her eyes when we’re not even talking ….just how they glaze over and stare into nothing. I have lied for so long (long before I met my wife) to make people feel better about themselves, about a situation, about me. Now, those kinds of lies can hurt more than ANYTHING. How do you make the change cut/dry, flip the switch, turn the corner, change? I know I want to….I can feel it every single day that I don’t want that anymore. Last night, I told my wife that I NEED to stop thinking of myself and truly start thinking about every action/decision/choice I make and think of my wife, my family, and how that choice will affect them. I know that if I make my family happy, I will make myself happy….that is the path I need to take.
All these words mean nothing if I can’t act on them….truly act on them, and that’s the reason for my ask for advice. I’m no longer on thin ice….I’m on a slushie that I’m sinking through, and I need advice. I don’t want to lose my wife, daughters, family. I am filled with regret, but remorse in my actions is what I must do, need to do, want to do. Please, any advice would be helpful, no matter how minuscule it is. I love my family, and when I read the responses she gets on here and other places, it tears me up more and more, cause I know I am the cause of it. The A’s were the biggest mistake I have EVER made in my life. Thank you for any response, good or bad.