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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: The P/A Narcissist - comedy thread - who's got one??
Bravenewgirl
♀ Member
Member # 36267
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH: We should get start living a healthier lifestyle.

Me: Agreed, why don't you go to the gym and when you get back, I'll go to yoga at 10:30?

WH: Okay (proceeds to play Angry Birds until 10:15)

Me: Okay, I am leaving for yoga now.

WH: You are SO SELFISH! I DIDN'T EVEN GO TO THE GYM YET. Its all about you!!

Me: Okay, why don't you go when I get back from yoga.

WH: You know I can't work out in the afternoon! (what?, why the hell not?) You are so selfish!

________

WH: We should start eating better.

Me: yes, we should

WH: look, I bought these oreos for you.

(okay, this one is a condensed version of a scene that played out a gazillion times, where he would sabotage all my efforts at self-improvement. My being fat helped him justify the A).


Don't come around here no more
-Tom Petty

Posts: 661 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Canada
npain
♀ Member
Member # 33539
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gotta put my 2 cents in with this one...
So STBX refuses to stop his affair and acts outraged when I kicked him out. He has since paid not one cent on the mortgage or anything else connected to the house saying that "he has to live". So the tenants downstairs move out and I promply replace them. One day he brings the kids back after visitation and he has the nerve to say to me "What are they paying?". I told him that "it doesn't matter as long as the mortgage is paid". Then he says to me " I don't like the kind of people you have around my children (translate: male). I replied " This coming from the person who brought his whore to babysit our kids ? " He then replied "What does that have to do with anything? Are you going to bring this up all the time..it isn't relevant".

He got crickets on that one...I couldn't see how he could miss the relevance--he brought the woman he already had been sleeping with for over a year to babysit our kids as a live-in babysitter but cannot see how that isn't relevant to their well being now?

[This message edited by npain at 3:45 PM, June 30th (Sunday)]


S, Filed 4/17/14--YAY, ME!!

Posts: 512 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: New York
newnormal
♀ Member
Member # 21925
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

These stories are so funny! Someone should publish then as illustrations of npd, non remorse, candy dropping unicorn behaviors.

My latest:
Following back and forth debate on qdro and a few other language details in the separation agreement (read: stbx cant do simple math) where we are both at a mutual safe public location:
Stbx: Do you want to get ice cream now?
Nn: no thanks
Stbx: well, after the D is final maybe someday we can go on a date and who knows what can happen.

Thats right, im D you so we can date.


BS 43 (me)
FWH 48
D-day 9/07

Dont retreat, reload.
"Pull that knife out of your back - and sever the fuel line to that bus you got thrown under" Bufffalo


Posts: 1033 | Registered: Dec 2008
Take2
♀ Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^ Wow!

Stbx: well, after the D is final maybe someday we can go on a date and who knows what can happen.

Umm, did you tell him that YOU knew exactly what could happen?


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4129 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Several years ago the kids & I all had the stomach flu, the kind where you can't keep anything down and you have uncontrollable urges from both ends, if you know what I mean (and I bet you do). So I was taking care of the children by myself while also being sick, STBX kept himself fully isolated from us so he wouldn't get sick. Fair enough. Wouldn't want him to miss work, right?

But when the weekend rolled around, uh oh, now STBX is sick, too. He needs me to bring him meals in bed (which means I go up/down an extra flight of stairs to accomplish this in our 3-floor home). He needs me to help him to the shower. He needs me to fluff his pillows (truly, he needed me to plump them up so he could rest). All the while me & the kids were STILL puking and pooping and extremely ill. I realized I was spending an awful lot of time caring for STBX, who was lying there in bed crying in agony.

Funny thing was, I never heard any sounds of vomiting, nor did I detect any odor. Hmmmmm... Meanwhile I have the washer & dryer going constantly for me & the kids. Hmmmmm...

So finally on Sunday night as I've already collapsed once from exhaustion & dehydration, I ask STBX as he lay there weakly in bed, "Are you sure you're sick?"

WH - I have what you have! What you all have! You made me sick! I'm going to miss work tomorrow because of you!

Me - Well, you still seem able to eat. How much have you been vomiting back up?

WH - I haven't vomited anything.

Me - I thought you said you had what we had?

WH - I do! I'M SICK, CAN'T YOU SEE THAT?

Me - Have you vomited?

WH - No.

Me - Are you shitting your guts out?

WH - No.

Me - Then how are you sick like us?

WH - I feel nauseous! Can't you see that?

Me - You feel nauseous? But you're still able to eat normally and you aren't actually vomiting nor do you have diarrhea. You're just naseous? NASEOUS?

WH - Yes, I don't feel well!

Me - I'm so sick I've passed out today, trying to take care of you and the children. I haven't eaten since Thursday. The kids are dehydrated because they can't keep water down. But you're insisting I bring you regular meals & snacks on a tray so you can watch TV in bed all weekend???

WH - That's what a good Christian wife would do. That's what your mother would do for your father.

Me - I'm not bringing you anything else tonight. You're not sick. Don't tell me you're sick. You're just jealous of the attention I've been giving the kids.

=========

Guess who was miraculously better the next day & able to go to work? And who never was sick? Bastard!


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9823 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
whatdoto
♀ Member
Member # 28555
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH and I had a little blow up Sat. evening. I packed a bag. DS saw me, so he packed a bag for himself. I got the 2 dogs and DS and jumped into the truck and left for town. Stayed in a hotel.

DS and I return home next morning. Go thru our day and I'm making supper. I'm looking for the cast iron skillet because I'm making cornbread to go with homemade soup. I ask WH "where's the cast iron skillet?". He leaves and walks to our room. He appears from our closet........ with the skillet in his hand. WTF?

I said "why is it in the closet?" He says "I got a little crazy last night."

Huh? So you hide the skillet?

Anyway, took a look around the room and see that he has removed other objects and hid them.

That's what he does people. He's a hoarder of stuff, and hides them like they are squirrel nuts.

Also, we ran out of TP in the bathroom, so I go out to the guest BR and get a few rolls. Went to put one on the holder and see that WH found a roll and hid it under the commode. Think he's pissed?

Oh, and he wants me to change my mind, he wants me to get the courthouse to unfile the petition so the local gossip newspaper won't print the D, actually all he's said all weekend is what HE wants.

Geez.


"If your ideal image of yourself is in the future, it's going to stay there".

Posts: 1187 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Texas
Take2
♀ Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh my gosh - is this the new mysterious items in the garage thread? Was it NG's or Tesla's husband who use to hide things on her in the garage? And someone else - her husband hid her jewelry at his office....

"I'll hide the toilet paper - that will get her!" Lordie people are weirdo's!!


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4129 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
Phoenix1
♀ Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, I'll play.

Was going through POS's horde of boxes to try to reorganize and make family room presentable (after five years of him ignoring it and saying he would get to it). As I was going through umpteen zillion papers, found a receipt for a down payment on a $25k Harley Davidson motorcycle as well as a receipt for over $2k in furniture that ended up being given to OW#2. I knew nothing about either purchase, and hid those receipts away for future evidence.

Fast forward to May 2013, when we are still antagonistic about working out the distribution of assets. I sent him a copy of both those receipts and demanded to know their disposition, otherwise their value would be added to his side of the distribution as assets. He was furious and said he did not have to ask me permission for anything and he did not have to justify anything to me. I told him that was fine and the value would be credited to him regardless of their whereabouts (I happen to know he has neither in his possession).

Fast forward to our blow up in mid-June where he accused me a violating his privacy by going through his personal stuff (his horde) for the "sole purpose of looking for stuff to use against him." He also said, "I would never think of going through your stuff like that."

My response, "Well, I wouldn't care if you did go through my stuff because I have nothing to hide from my spouse, and I never would have ever considered spending money in those amounts without discussing it with my spouse first!"

His response: Dead silence... he still does not feel that he did anything wrong...


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,18 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1189 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
jennie160
♀ Member
Member # 29949
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH (now X) needed relatively minor surgery.

This reminded me of another story that I had completely forgotten. XH and I had been married for about 6 months and he had to have knee surgery which was suppose to be an outpatient procedure but the doctors screwed it up. He ended up with compartmentalization (all the water they put in to expand the knee joint ended up in his thigh and they had to cut 3 2inch incisions to let the water out. I'm not denying that it was extremely painful but his true character showed through for the first time.

After the long surgery and time in recovery (where they have given him tons of morphine) he is being wheeled up to the hospital room when I see him for the first time. I, trying to be the caring, concerned wife who has already been freaking out for several hours after being told the surgery didn't go as planned, ask him how he is feelings/what I can do and he says to me in the nastiest, you're scum of the earth, I wish you would die way "how do you fucking think I feel". All of the nurses, doctors, my parents and his parents are horrified by the hatred that comes through his voice and I can see the pity on their faces as they stand there stunned.

At the time I shrugged it off thinking that everyone can be an asshole when they are in so much pain. I didn't realize until last year when I ended up in the ER(cut halfway through my finger, severed a nerve and nicked a tendon)that it was his true character that had shown though that day. Instead of being an asshole when I was in the ER, waiting for the hand surgeon to examine my hand before they could give me pain killer or stitch it up, I was cracking jokes and being as polite as ever.

WH: We should start eating better.

Me: yes, we should

WH: look, I bought these oreos for you.

XH use to do this all the time. He would say that we needed to eat healthier or start working out while in the same breath asking me to bring him some fast food to have lunch with him at work. He would also try to imply that I was the one who needed to lose weight (I even believed him at one point) when in reality I was actually too skinny and he was just trying to impose his poor body images on me to make me feel bad about myself too.


Posts: 921 | Registered: Oct 2010
cletuswv
♂ Member
Member # 37463
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So my WW is in her second affair and actually moving out today...On Saturday night she went out with "friends" and we have a rule you cannot come at night when partying...So she usually stays with friend

She came home at 9AM hungover in the same close from the night before. Last straw for me.

ME...I know for a fact you left the bar with him

WW...Why? Who told you? Was it so and so or so and so?

ME: no you just did?

WW: Real nice, trick me into telling the truth

ME: Would not have gotten it any other way


Me: BH 40
Her: WW 35
DDay #1: 9/28/2012
TT until:
DDay #2: 1/03/2013
2.5 yr LTA EA/PA
Dday #3 6/19/2013 OM #2
DD 4
DS 7
She moved out on 7/2/2013

Posts: 94 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: The best Virginia
Vulcanized
♀ Member
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stbx: well, after the D is final maybe someday we can go on a date and who knows what can happen.

On DD, I got: We can get M'd again after we get D'd.

This being the next sentence after "I have to fuck OW, she makes me feel good about myself".


Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
-----------------------------------------------------------
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 764 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

These are just hilarious!


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3400 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Sagittarius01
♀ Member
Member # 33643
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok my turn. This actually happened last week.

He made dinner for us. He made porkchops and mutton. I, truthfully, do not care for mutton one bit. But, I was a trooper and tried some to make him happy. I doused it in BBQ sauce which turned out pretty good, I was so proud of myself for being a good sport. So I'm chugging along taking my time, and I was actually chowing down because it was good. 10 minutes pass and he suddenly says:

Him: I know you don't fucking like it just stop eating it!

Me: (with a mouthful of meat)

Him: (shouting) You never compliment me, you always criticize my cooking, nit-pick and don't eat it!

Me: You *clearly* see me eating this right? It's good!

Him: STOP FUCKING EATING IT!

I put down the meat and just sit there shocked because I didn't do or say anything to criticize him. He spent the next 15 minutes telling me I'm selfish.

So now it's been 5 days that I've complimented his cooking. Yes, he's keeping count.


Posts: 98 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: AZ
Elaine2012
♀ Member
Member # 36099
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't think I had one because we had such little interaction after dday (hard 180).

But one came to mind after reading some today. The dishwasher had been broken for several months. I had told him about it and he was capable of fixing it but chose not to. I didn't talk about it since I didn't have money to fix it and he was choosing not to spend "his money" to fix or buy a by a new one. I just did the dishes by hand.

So after dday and I knew that he was D me and wanted to sell the house I came home from church and he proudly tells me "I fixed the dishwasher!" He figured it out by talking to a repair man and all it needed was a cleaning. Mind you I had already started 180 so we had had very little interaction.

I just looked at him and walked away. I didn't think it needed any response.

A few weeks later he inquired if I had used the dishwasher. "No" he then starts to get huffy and says "why because I fixed it". I calmly replied no because there were so few dishes to wash I just did them by hand.

Because of SI I had learned about the buttons he had installed and that was the day I became aware of his hook and that this was his MO to triggering my buttons.

Pre-Dday I would have walked into the trap of arguing with him about it. And made him feel better about himself because of the "poor me" you don't appreciate anything I do for you and this family.

I'm so glad to not have these interactions anymore.


Me- 53
WH- 57
Divorced - May 22, 2014
Dday - Blindsided July 2012
Married 35 years
4 adult DD's, 2 SIL, 3 grandchildren

Posts: 287 | Registered: Jul 2012
Helen of Troy
♀ Member
Member # 26419
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

x: "You sent the kids here with lice just to spite me! how dare you. So, I'm taking $34.50 off medical co pays I owe you"

Um ok if I KNEW they had lice I would have treated them, not 'sent them to him' with lice just for kicks.

x, during the marriage "What should we do about xyz? "(translation: you figure it out I don't want responsibility)
I made a decision about xyz he wasn't willing to contribute to discussion at all.
xyz goes wrong.
x: "How could you have been so stupid, why did you decide xyz?!"


Posts: 4715 | Registered: Dec 2009
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

XWH really wanted to reconcile (after ignoring my attempts to want to R in the beginning.)

Background: he couldn't get a job in the city where we lived (Shocking! Employers don't want to hire you if you're screwing co-workers instead of taking care of your patients!), I'd just started a new, high-paying job, and he'd accepted a job 3-4 hours away, where I'd have no friends, family, or support system. Oh, and I put him through medical school/residency/fellowship, and he was just about to make a doctor's salary.

Against my better judgment, I said I would R -- but only if he signed a post-nup where he'd make up the difference between the job I'd be giving up for him and whatever job I found later on if I had to divorce him for infidelity. If he remained faithful, this would never come into play.

He refused, stating that it was punitive, and that I should just trust him to be faithful I therefore declined to try to R, which was the best decision I could have made.

Other funny remarks include the fact that I've ruined him for all future commitments (he claimed to never want to get married, buy a house, or have a pet again because of me )

And that I was so terrible and he had to cheat because I liked to read and I saved for retirement. (Note: he didn't mind taking my retirement money in the divorce!)


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny


Posts: 3404 | Registered: Dec 2011
Runningaway
♀ Member
Member # 30707
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Conversation I had with xh after I had told him things weren't working and I wanted him to move out.

Me - you don't act like you want to be married.

xh - I told you I wanted to be married. This is VERY important to me.

Me - Actions speak louder than words. You lie all the time. Your words mean nothing to me. Your actions tell me you want to be single.

xh - That's not fair! If I had known you would start judging me by my actions I would have acted differently!

He was pissed. Ranted for awhile. Like I pulled one over on him by not believing every lie that came out of his mouth. Crazy.

My other favorite is:

xh - you have to take me back, no one else wants me b/c I can't have anymore children.

True story.


What doesn't kill us makes us smaller. - Mario

Posts: 270 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Canada
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love this thread!! I think reading real life examples of the craziness really helps us.

There are so many, but one that stands out:

Me: Why?
WH: Because you were always depressed, you are too loose "down there", and you were suspicious.

Me: Crickets

WH: Well.....maybe you had a reason to be suspicious



Posts: 1947 | Registered: Jan 2010
Bravenewgirl
♀ Member
Member # 36267
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's not fair! If I had known you would start judging me by my actions I would have acted differently!

Oh. My. God.

Where is the mouth hanging open emoticon?


Don't come around here no more
-Tom Petty

Posts: 661 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Canada
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's not fair! If I had known you would start judging me by my actions I would have acted differently!

Cunning little snakes - all our fault, right?


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
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