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User Topic: Husband showing his love in new ways
cuppacoffee
♀ Member
Member # 39313
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Before it would just be sex and a gift here or there. Now he's showing me with cuddling talking acts of service and just being there for me when I need it.

I really do appreciate all of this. However sex used to be how he told me he loved me and when we wouldn't have sex we were off. It's been like 2 days since we last did the deed and I'm really low and like he doesn't love me.

Does it take time to accept the new love actions? Or am I just being ridiculous?

I have told him how I feel about all of this. I just didn't know if it's "normal".


I'm like a vacuum bag
That holds all that old dirt
Remember that time we said we'd be together forever?
Don't hate me, don't regret me, don't ever forget me
Wherever you go, whatever you do, don't say I never loved you

Posts: 360 | Registered: May 2013
ifinallyfoundme
♀ Member
Member # 39523
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He needs to man up.
I half jokingly told mine it was his job to make sure I have lots of exciting sex and orgasms. No half stepping.

Posts: 180 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
cuppacoffee
♀ Member
Member # 39313
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I won't say that I want it every night but 4-5 times a week would be good! I feel bad for asking for it! Prior during and after his a (before I knew about it) we were having sex at least 3 nights a week.

Maybe I'm just selfish. I want cuddles and sex!


I'm like a vacuum bag
That holds all that old dirt
Remember that time we said we'd be together forever?
Don't hate me, don't regret me, don't ever forget me
Wherever you go, whatever you do, don't say I never loved you

Posts: 360 | Registered: May 2013
ifinallyfoundme
♀ Member
Member # 39523
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, lots of cuddling too!

Posts: 180 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's lovely he's trying to show you he loves you.

But if your 'language' is different, and he's not 'speaking' your language, then ...well, I guess he still gets credit for trying, but one has to wonder why there's resistant to speaking YOUR language.

Is he just trying to shower you in new and exciting ways? Or is he withholding what he knows 'speaks' to you?


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8312 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Recently you wrote:
He has been on meds since March and has thought about ending his life a few times. Several times before DDay and once about a week ago. His depression doesn't seem to be getting better with the medication. He's on about 4 different things now.

Antidepressants (x4) have the side effect of low libido.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
cuppacoffee
♀ Member
Member # 39313
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes that is correct. They added the 4th med like a week or two ago. Other than when he first started the meds we have been active like.

Maybe I'm just unsure of these new ways of showing his love for me. He has never been like this. It feels weird. I mean I'm happy but I'm just not used to it. Sex was never an issue on the table for us.


I'm like a vacuum bag
That holds all that old dirt
Remember that time we said we'd be together forever?
Don't hate me, don't regret me, don't ever forget me
Wherever you go, whatever you do, don't say I never loved you

Posts: 360 | Registered: May 2013
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe I'm just unsure of these new ways of showing his love for me.

Rather than focusing on sex, how about exploring intimacy together?

ETA:
Six capacities are needed for intimacy to exist: Initiative, presence, completion, vulnerability, nurturing, and honesty.
Initiative :
Healthy intimacy - Calls; reach out; risks expression of care; invites others to share activities or problems; express wants and needs; takes responsibility to maintain relationship
Dysfunctional intimacy - Passive; seeks isolation; victim stance (it happens to me); belief in abandonment; seductive to avoid admitting needs or wants. Relies on others to maintain relationship.
Presence :
Healthy intimacy - Emotionally available to others; Listens and attends to others; explicit about reactions; spends time with others; notices what happens with others; accepts attention of others.
Dysfunctional intimacy - Emotionally constricted; shame makes distant and removed; deflects attention as undeserved; fails to notice what happens to others; distracted and non-attentive; evasiveness leaves others wondering who person really is.
Completion :
Healthy intimacy - Builds trust by finishing things; finalizes arrangements with others; acknowledges care and outreach so transactions are finished; works for closure on problems; responsive to other's needs and wants; express appreciation for completed efforts.
Dysfunctional intimacy Overextension and loose ends provide sense of undependability; closure avoided; issues and problems put off and unresolved; unresponsive to other's needs and wants so they ended up feeling unheard; seldom acknowledges contribution or efforts of others, so they wonder if they had any impact; evasive about responsibilities.
Vulnerability :
Healthy intimacy - Shares process of thinking and feeling; talks about dilemmas; involves others in discussions; allows feedback; reveals self not shared with others; fears and sense of inadequacy available to others.
dysfunctional intimacy - Thinks things through in private; feelings unshared so no one knows decision process; internal dialogues unshared, but relied upon; appears fearless and unshakable because feelings of inadequacy are disguised.
Nurturing :
Healthy intimacy - Cares for others; makes caring statements; empathizes with other's pain; supportive; encouraging; offers suggestions; affirms value of others; does things to help others when it does not diminish them in any way; touches others.
Dysfunctional intimacy - Withdraws from others when they are in need; criticizes their efforts and judges their motives; dismisses or talks others out of intense feelings; removed and untoucheable ; fails to help when needed.
Honesty :
Healthy intimacy - Claims positive and negative feelings; clear about priorities and values; specific about disagreements; provides feedback when asked; admits flaws and mistakes; isfully known to intimates.
dysfunctional intimacy - Significant feelings remain unshared or acknowledged; preference not expressed; vague and manipulative about disagreements; hides flaws and covers mistakes; no one has total truth; relies on third parties to communicate.

Source "Don't call it Love" by Patrick Carns.

[This message edited by ladies_first at 6:31 PM, June 27th (Thursday)]


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Topic Posts: 8

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