I 100% resemble your vent about how you felt during your As. I got stressed out about work, felt like "the under-appreciated mom," became intensely resentful about my childhood trauma, and I wrongly projected all that onto my BH and M. This is what I've learned from SI (thank you Betrayed Men!) and therapy.
You said you're in IC. Do you like your C, do you feel like she's helping you? Mine has been amazing about helping me identify why I'd cut myself off from my emotions. Do you know yet, why you shut down?
In another thread today you said your BH is reluctant to share his feelings because he doesn't want to hurt you. But isn't that pretty much what caused you to have As in the first place? To quote you:
I'm learning that when I'm scared hurt angry I shut down. I bury it deep so I can function. I have not been able to deal or communicate those feelings or allow them. I just was angry all the time. Felt like life had given me lemons.
Tell your BH (assuming this is true) that it was exactly your unwillingness to talk about your unhappiness, with BH, that led to your As. Talking is hard, repressing and escaping is easy. And look how fantastic that worked out for us!
t/j: I wrote that very "lemons" line to an AP, in the email that caused DDay. On our wedding anniversary a month later, BH gave me a big bowl of lemons. Later that day he gave me a beautiful gift of perfume. I so do not deserve him.
Your posts are heavily laced with shame and self-loathing. CSA survivors often carry deep shame, even though being abused wasn't our fault. Like many of us do, you (probably subconsciously) became abusive; As are abusive.
You know what was a huge lightbulb moment for me? My C, within 15 minutes of meeting me, figured my 6-year-old daughter triggered me, reminded me of myself at the age I was abused. All those feelings of shame, resentment, anger, rushed back with a vengeance.
This is why you need to "disturb your past." If your C is truly reluctant to do that, you're not going to heal IMO.
At 42 you would think I had grown up or at least learnt from my first A. It was never dealt with I hid it and buried it.
-I too buried my first A, didn't look at the reasons, deal with my shitty boundaries, or FOO. Just swept it under the rug. That doesn't work so well.
I also agree with you - the answers to how could you do sound lame - they are selfish, and when I boil it all down, it was because I could and wanted to do it. (again IMO) All of the FOO issues, and reasons why are figured out so I understand the thought processes that were in place, and why I acted so selfishly, and learn new, healthy coping skills to NOT do it again.
Separated transitioning to D