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User Topic: Hatred
dbellanon
♂ Member
Member # 39236
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate my WW (STBXW). I don't know exactly how I got here.

Even after DDay, I still loved her, still wanted her. I still believed that there was good in her and a possible good future for our marriage. I hated what she had done by having an affair, and what she was doing by pushing for divorce, but I still loved her.

After I accepted that we were going to be divorced, I was angrier and more distraught than ever. I was broken-down, feeble and resentful, but even within that I had moments of serenity where I felt like I could manage to have good will towards her.

I'm not sure where that went, because all I feel now is seething hatred for her. Maybe it's the fact that when I first found out about the affair, I sublimated most of my anger into a desperate drive to save the marriage. Now that this is gone, my feelings are finally having their full expression. Maybe I'm just finally realizing who she really is. I don't know.

All I know is that I hate her, and I hate the fact that I hate her. I've never hated anyone in my life, and now the person I loved most in the world is the one whom I most revile. What a cruel reversal!

I know I can't carry this hatred around with me forever. I know that it will eat me alive and it won't harm her one bit, but I don't know how to get rid of it. It's just awful.


ME: BH, 28
Her: WW, 27
DD: 4
Married 6 Years.
DDay: Early May, 2013
Divorced

Posts: 223 | Registered: May 2013
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is all normal, and part of healing. This is something you have to go through to come out a whole healed person on the other side.

I found when I had my moments of anger, and hatred wether to spouse or OW It was hugely beneficial to write it all out. Get all the ugly thoughts out of my head, purge myself of the venom. I had venom in me it was a waste product of all the lies and manipulation. I wrote, and wrote and wrote, to no one to my spouse, to the OW. Pages and pages. The I would ceremomiously destroy the writings. Burn them, tear them into billions of tiny pieces, run them through the grabage disposal. It was quite cathartic. You could rage at your STBXW, but it won't really do any good. She doesn't get it, and would most likeley blame you for her messed up life anyway.

Look at the cold hard truths. You didn't do this, she did. You tried to fix it, she chose not to, You can't control what she did or does, or ever will do. When you can accept that , adn let go your anger will disipate, and those wounds will slowly turn into scars.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8592 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
heartbroken2012
♀ Member
Member # 38089
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read your previous posts and original post when you responded to one of my threads.

I am so sorry that any of us have to deal with this.

I have an insane, core eating hatred for the OW...and my WH at times.

[This message edited by heartbroken2012 at 12:03 PM, June 27th (Thursday)]


BS(Me) - 32
WS(HUbbie) - 40
OW - 44 (a ugly, old, white trash horse faced Coworker)
Affair was 2 months long
3 kids - 5yr old, and twins 8 months
Dday - 12/25/12 (lots of signs before I should have seen)

Posts: 549 | Registered: Jan 2013
WhatsRight
♀ Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry for your pain.

I think you are spot on in believing that your original hatred about the infidelity was put 'on hold' while you tried to save the marriage.
I'm dealing with some of that too.

But remember - hatred is not the opposite of love. APATHY is.

I went through the hatred, etc. with my XH - not the current WH. When I knew that I was 'over' him was when I didn't feel the resentment - love - or even hatred. I felt nothing. Oh, I consider him a human being and I would probably help him if he was bleeding to death, but he no longer is part of my life - in my mind or my heart.

You say you can't hate her like this forever - it will eat you up. YOU ARE RIGHT ON BOTH COUNTS.

But you will not hate forever. When your feelings for her die, they hatred will be gone too.

Just my humble opinion.

I wish you luck.


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
Topic Posts: 4

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