I hate my WW (STBXW). I don't know exactly how I got here.
Even after DDay, I still loved her, still wanted her. I still believed that there was good in her and a possible good future for our marriage. I hated what she had done by having an affair, and what she was doing by pushing for divorce, but I still loved her.
After I accepted that we were going to be divorced, I was angrier and more distraught than ever. I was broken-down, feeble and resentful, but even within that I had moments of serenity where I felt like I could manage to have good will towards her.
I'm not sure where that went, because all I feel now is seething hatred for her. Maybe it's the fact that when I first found out about the affair, I sublimated most of my anger into a desperate drive to save the marriage. Now that this is gone, my feelings are finally having their full expression. Maybe I'm just finally realizing who she really is. I don't know.
All I know is that I hate her, and I hate the fact that I hate her. I've never hated anyone in my life, and now the person I loved most in the world is the one whom I most revile. What a cruel reversal!
I know I can't carry this hatred around with me forever. I know that it will eat me alive and it won't harm her one bit, but I don't know how to get rid of it. It's just awful.