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User Topic: Betrayed spouses making a mountain out of a mole hill?
♀ Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"He said that eventually I need to take a leap of faith and believe him and put our effort into focusing on US, and trusting him. "

Yeah, my fwh said that too.

Made me so mad I stomped out of the house. For many hours.

When I cooled off, I came back, where he was panicked that I was *never* coming back, and pointed out that: I had taken a leap of faith and just trusted him when we got married many years ago. That despite his self-image, which I believed in, that he was a good person and honest to the core, he had proven that he was not. That he was going to have to work long and hard for me to get to trusting him even a little bit, and that he would never get back to 100%. Ever.

And then I asked him, so what are YOU doing to "focus on us" -- cuz I've asked you to do three easy things, and you won't do any of them because you don't FEEL it.

Pot, meet Kettle.

Boy, he was a jackhole.

You are not making too much of it. He needs to suck it up and show you, consistently and over time, that he's worthy of your trust and faith.

And he needs to answer your same questions every time you ask. If it's too hard to do that, even though it helps you, then maybe he's not worthy of your trust and faith.

Stay strong Heartbroken! And hugs to you. R is not for the faint of heart...

DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 874 | Registered: Sep 2012
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, yes. Absolutely. And No - but it's not a mountain, it's a mountain range.

Until the WS comes completely clean, most BSes will imagine the worst they can imagine. And even after the WS comes clean, at least one BS (me) can't believe the A was as lousy as it really seems to be. I'm still asking questions 30+ months out, though not many.

Your H needs to realize that talking honestly about the A is crucial to his healing and to healing your M. It's crucial to him, because he MUST understand what he did and take full responsibility. It crucial to R because talking honestly builds trust.

Frankly, it sounds like he's still minimizing his A. That could be just a stage of his coming clean, if he keeps talking.

He needs reminding of his A until he takes full responsibility - and as long as he thinks he doesn't need to be reminded, he hasn't taken full responsibility.

fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10383 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
♀ Member
Member # 39609
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If the situations were reversed, I wonder how big of a deal your H would make about you having casual office sex? What type of mind movies would he have? We make a big deal out of it because it is a big fucking deal. Just my opinion.

When I feel like he doesn't get the magnitude of something and why it upsets me so much, I always try to turn it around and say 'what would you have done' and try and say it out loud and give details so he can really envision it. He ALWAYS downplays it and say that he wouldn't react that way, it isn't that big of a deal. That is BS. I know he would have exploded way more than I ever have because he is not the type to hold back his opinions. For instance, he cannot stand when I call OW a name. He says that she didn't say anything about you to me, so why would you say anything about her? OF COURSE, she didn't say anything bad about me, she had nothing bad to say! And she wouldn't want to say it to you, on the off chance you would have gotten mad about it. I just hope that in his mind he realizes that I am not overreacting and he would have done the same thing...if not worse.

Either that, or the only other conclusion I can come up with is that he just doesn't care if anyone else has sex with me. And I can't fathom a spouse who would be okay with their spouse having sex behind their back...whether it had emotions behind it or not.

Together 6 yrs. M 4 yrs. DD born 3/1/2013.
Me: BS -- Him: 1 EA/PA (6mos), PA (MW), and 6 ONS...Been at it for almost 5 yrs. *Still slave to TT* 1st DDay- 11/24/2012,
.....OC due in August.....

Posts: 122 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He did say that I am blowing the A out of porportion. I am making the A out to be some passionate, lustful love affair...and it was NOT

It doesn't matter how you see it vs how he sees it.

What it was, was enough for him to risk your trust, your health and your love and marriage.

There isn't a bigger mountain out there.

He needs to do some soul searching and stop thinking you getting over it will make things better.

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3846 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First of all, no, we're not making a mountain out of a mole hill. They made the mountain. This is serious stuff that causes divorce and children to come from a broken home.

I was curious about this:

He apologized, told me more things that I asked, he said he doescate care about the OW, he never did, he regrets it more than anything, he hates her and hates himself as they are both the same, he is sorry how he hurt me, he says he doesnt need reminding how he has done wrong, and how it was bad because he does that himself, he promised it will never happen again, and that he was weak and selfish. Blah blah blah.

By "blah blah blah", are you indicating that he's not being sincere? If you're not feeling it from him, that may be the reason you are struggling so bad right now. But if these statements are heartfelt but still falling short, maybe the affair is just a dealbreaker for you. And seeing the OW must be awful.

Regardless, I'm sorry you are going through this nightmare.

Me (BS)-45, WW-43
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children

Posts: 1456 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The BS pays the price for the reality we can never fully know, but only imagine.

The WS pays for the fantasy the BS creates due to the lack of knowledge.

I call that fair.

My policy in recovery was that if my wife could not provide facts about what happened that satisfied my narrative-building, then she was responsible for whatever worst case scenario I imagined to fill in the blanks. The burden of proving it was something less than I imagined was on her. She didn't have the right to create my reality without proof; only I have that privilege.

Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6750 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The BS pays the price for the reality we can never fully know, but only imagine.

The WS pays for the fantasy the BS creates due to the lack of knowledge.

I call that fair.

This is priceless wincing_at_light
just priceless

BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Topic Posts: 27
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