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Newest Member: Sunnyhopeful82 (45341)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Can't decide if this is a dealbreaker....
Undefinabl3
♀ Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh well... irrelevant now.

Well, either the offer wasnt accepted or you broke up....either way.

You need to stop and think about all the past and see if there has been a pattern of manipulation with him.

Personally, I dont feel that you are not compromising at all. I think that your concerns are very legitimate and for him to purposely place you into a situation that he KNOWS that you are not comfortable with in the first place.

We say this ALL the time in the forum....

Listen to his Actions, not his Words!...he's showing you who he is.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2012
Take2
♀ Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This sounds like an issue of "planner" vs. "not a planner" to me. You are looking at location, resale, and how this move will disrupt other plans, and are trying to line things up to mesh with a planned future. His actions are a contradiction to the purpose ahead.

But he is a lot more spontaneous and is comfortable winging it and Living in the moment. As for what happens down the road - well you can just figure it out then - no big whoop. You'll cross that bridge when you come to it.

Problem is - he will see your thinking as limiting his options, "raining on his parade" and controlling, or worse - not supportive, and even insulting of his intelligence.

And your frustration will build because he is undermining the plans you have patiently laid. And predictably, you can foresee being hamstrung as to those future plans because when it comes time to cross the bridge - it hasn't been built.

I don't know how compatible the two styles are - but I imagine resentment will build rapidly on both sides, when and if finances are mingled.

[This message edited by Take2 at 1:12 PM, June 28th (Friday)]


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4129 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
Spirit13
♀ Member
Member # 31758
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Take2,

This is very true!!! I am a big planner and he is kind of a planner but not nearly as much as me. I've talked to him several times about how much I have a need to plan even if the plan is going to change in the future. Having things just sit out there "in space" is an uncomfortable thing for me. In the past our styles have been complementary because he loved delegating all the planning to me. But you are right where the style clash comes out here plus I also feel it was not a good financial decision (setting us up to sell 2 houses over 1 in a short period of time) and being an accountant that is also a problem. He is really smart and generally good with money so this decision just didn't make sense to me

It doesn't matter now because he has made his decision and it is out of my hands. He is supposed to come over tonight and I have no idea if he will or won't. It's a weird feeling. I am strangely calm and willing to accept whatever outcome because honestly I'm tired and discouraged.


Men were deceivers ever; one foot in sea and one on shore, to one thing constant never.

Posts: 620 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Midwest
InnerLight
♀ Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 12:25 AM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he has delegated all the planning to you this far then this may be a shock to see how he does when he does do some planning of his own. Now you can really see how much he takes you into consideration when he does plan, ie not so much.

I agree he sounds like a passive guy, willing to give you the reins, and then he surprises you with his selfishness when he suddenly does take them back. And then you feel tired, after all the planning you've done to not have your needs considered.

Take a step back and really watch this dynamic. Does he take your needs into consideration with smaller plans? Or does he let you do all the work? Do you feel taken care of?

I was married to a passive man, and this sounds familiar. It's exhausting.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5857 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
Take2
♀ Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, you'd think the combination would work well, and if each truly values and respect the others contribution, maybe it can.

I agree with Innnerlight that you really need to watch to see if you are considered - not only in his spontaneous grand plans but in the little things. Does he plan for say your birthday? Does he consider what you'd like to do or just what he thinks would be cool...? That kind of thing.


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4129 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
Spirit13
♀ Member
Member # 31758
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, believe it or not he actually reconsidered on the house after seeing how upset I was. He took me to see a more suitable property this weekend and made an offer on it yesterday. The offer may not be accepted, but I really appreciated that he ended up listening to me and trying to find a better solution.

The other house had a contingency on it which would allow him to get out anyway and so if the offer IS accepted on #2 he will be ok.

The second property isn't just something for me but it truly is a great property for HIM and something that he will love - with or without me. So, I hope for his sake that he gets it.


Men were deceivers ever; one foot in sea and one on shore, to one thing constant never.

Posts: 620 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 26
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