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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: The Cheater Who Got Cheated On...
♂ Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


You've got this whole thing tied up in a such a tight ball it's even hard for you to find a loose string to pull on, but unravel it you must.

As the successfully R'd BH of an Emotionally Unavailable FWW, I'm picking up some some heavy EU issues in your post and responses that I just can't shake. Since the only thing worse than amateur psychoanalysis is doing it by remote control at a distance, I'll just suggest you poke around on the threads and in the SI Library for EU Issues and see if you get a hit.

Not so random question: By any chance was/is one of your parents an alcoholic? If so, Google ACOA and see where that takes you.

And last, poke around NPD and see if you meet somebody you recognize.

You need help brother, you need it bad, and you need it fast. I haven't seen quite such a quick volume of 2x4 posts on SI in quite a while and there's a reason. Folks here are feeling it.

Personally, I think you're playing us, I think you're playing your BW, and I think you're playing yourself. If you're in counseling, I'd bet you're playing the therapist too. This is one mighty tight ball of string you're playing with, but there is a grenade at the center of it. Watch yourself.

Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And I'm going back to the drawing board to map out a better me, which she deserves, and our better us is already happening (this thread to the contrary).
Don't make yourself better for her or for anyone else. Do the hard work, the introspection, the bloodletting and the stitching for one reason only - to improve yourself FOR YOU.

To do otherwise, to attempt change in order to measure up to an external standard - being a husband your wife will love and stay with - completely misses the point.

If she were already out of the picture, wouldn't you want to make a better go of things for your own sake?

You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana

Posts: 25765 | Registered: Aug 2011
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

poke around NPD and see if you meet somebody you recognize.

not to threadjack but - ha!

his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”

Posts: 5281 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
♀ Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I only read about half the replies but wanted to share a bit of my experience:

I'm a BW. After XH's first (E)A ended, I let him come home so we could R. The thing remember most clearly is him sobbing how his AP didn't care about him; she just used him. And I actually held him while he cried over her.

I'll tell you what, that one moment hurt more than the A itself.

I finally left six years and a few As (EAs and PAs) later. Looking back, I should have left after the first one. He was more concerned with his feelings and how people perceived him than he was with how he had hurt me (and his children) and I firmly believe this concern over himself is what led him to more As.

Please don't underestimate the depth of your wife's pain. I've walked in her shoes and I know how deep the hurt in this situation can be.

And if it was today and my WH was mooning over the AP? He and his crap would be out on the lawn before he'd know what hit him.

[This message edited by wildbananas at 5:47 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)]

Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15415 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
♀ Member
Member # 36474
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Inappropriate reply.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:00 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)]

Scorched earth-Like Peter the Great, he burns up his own territory in order to gain the upper hand while his own people suffer.

I don't need you to be happy. I just need you to leave me alone when I am.

Posts: 442 | Registered: Aug 2012
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 6:01 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last warning.


If you do, you will be removed from this forum.

Thank you.

"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.

Posts: 198321 | Registered: May 2002
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife and I just finished reading the thread together. We appreciate the candor, insights, wisdom, experience and "tough love" expressed in the replies. It's nice to see people care enough to chime in, even if some of what's being said isn't easy to hear. Much of what was said resonates, will be taken to heart, and put into action.

Thank you!

2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
♂ Member
Member # 35924
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Inappropriate reply.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:15 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)]

Me: BH
Her: WW
D-Day: 2/19/2010
Married 1981
That which does not kill me makes me more irritable

Posts: 333 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Among the Gaurwaith
SI Staff
Member # 10
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


The stop sign icon is now added.

BS's stay off this thread.

Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
♀ Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read through this and all I could think was...

Dude, you were a dildo in her drawer. You are upset because your blow-up doll had other toys to play with.

Said that plainly, do you really want to continue to have your head that far up your own ass?

You didn't have a relationship. You were screwing a toy. You just didn't realize that you were just a toy too.

Now, stop looking for Unicorns Farting Rainbows that belch apologies.

Adultery, cheating, infidelity, two-timing, unfaithfulness, disloyalty, fornication, harlotry, hooking, hustling, whoring, unfaithfulness, Liar.

This is not some Epic Event that restarts your marriage. It has killed it. You don't realize it yet.

You have yet to really see what you have done.

When you do, I hope that you can give your BS the apology that she deserves and not the tripe that you have been spewing on SI.

[This message edited by wincings_sparkle at 4:13 PM, June 27th (Thursday)]

"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
♀ Member
Member # 36327
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JD - I know you are getting some 2x4's from other WS, and I am far enough along that I can appreciate everything being said, but am not eloquent enough to say them. What I did want to pass on was this....

You are not the only WS to discover that their AP was having other A's (I just can't say you have been "cheated" on because that makes me throw up in my mouth). That's because Cheaters Cheat. Sorry, but that is the truth. What a shock, right? Get over it. (Oh look, I can swing a little 2x2!)

My AP's wandering eye was apparently well known to a lot of people in our town, including my BH. After Dday, many people called him to offer support, and to tell him "well, you know he had an A with so-and-so didn't you?". The list is pretty long and sordid at this point.

However - not once did I ever feel like my AP "cheated" on me. Instead, it solidified my commitment to NC (big-time!), my commitment to my BH (who is really amazing to choose to be in R with me) and my commitment to changing my "wayward" thought patterns and coping mechanisms. Clearly, the old ones were not working well.

The damage I caused to my BH is unforgivable, but he has found a way to forgive, and move forward. But I can tell you that had I expressed any lingering feelings for my AP or gone on about how he should "apologize" to me, that forgiveness would NEVER have been achieved. The AP helped me destroy my family and my life, and I sure as hell am not going to involve him in rebuilding anything worth having. He is absolutely toxic to anyone he encounters. Hopefully you will see that about your FAP someday as well.

Good luck to you and your BW.

Posts: 74 | Registered: Aug 2012
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Note: anyone who is a “non-Wayward” who would like to share with me any observations, support, or otherwise via PM, I am sincere in saying I welcome hearing what you have to say.

Regarding this thread, I have reread my posts, and your replies, numerous times now. And I’ve pasted into a word doc on my computer the ideas, observations, suggestions, and experiences from you fine folks that, at this time, have resonated with me the most. I will keep that as a reference tool. It has been a good exercise in coming to grips with just how far detached I have become from my inner self and reality, in pursuit of craving, like a drug, those “fantasy kibbles” myself and my AP, both so broken, fed each other when we weren’t busy farting rainbows.

It is humbling to see my sad and broken self as others see me, and if I’m willing to take to heart what is being shared I DO have the opportunity to find, and finally nurture, the “good, decent, caring and loving” me that I’ve been so unwilling and afraid and too selfish to let shine through. The opportunity to begin to dismantle the distortions of self I’ve so carefully created, and so tenaciously clung onto, is waiting for me whenever I choose to start the work. This thread vividly pointed that out to me, and I know I’m not supposed to say it, I appreciate every word posted, even the few that had a component of gratuitous glee.

I understand many here have seen and heard 100’s of “Insta-Epiphany Cheaters” chomping at the bit to fix themselves and all of their messes…like, you know, YESTERDAY…and who sooner rather than later fail. I am going to try, with all the humbleness and sincerity I can muster, to be one of those cheaters who does, somehow and some way, make it. One who does find a path toward living an authentic life. My spouse, children, loved ones and friends deserve that of me. Most importantly, I deserve that of me and can’t deliver it to anyone else until I find it in myself.

My first steps on this journey required me to do some things I have difficulty doing: saying “I’m hurting” and asking for help. My post first post on this board was, in some way, a cry for help. A selfish, misguided, delusional one, but better than nothing at all. In just a few short days I’ve felt relief from some of my self-torture, and more importantly…hope. And I'm trying to make a start:

-I’m now in IC for the first time in over a decade.
-I’ve told my spouse she can retire as my mommy, my therapist, and my guardian angel…and if I need to process anything regarding my xAP - I’ll burden my therapist or you guys.
-I’ve gotten a few books that are recommended and which I’ll be reading.
- I’ll be utilizing this site as a place to post about my fears, frustrations, confusion, and hopes.
-And of course, much more needed and to come.

Am I riding the pink cloud…obviously. I’ve been there before in my recovery from alcoholism and chemical dependency (almost 19 years now). I’ve been there as I recovered from cancer (talk about the mind and reality playing tricks). And I realize I’m there now. I’ll choose to embrace my pink cloud. Beats dark, gloomy clouds of delusion I was staring at when my head was stuck up my ass. Thanks again.

[This message edited by JustDesserts at 10:23 AM, June 29th (Saturday)]

2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
♀ Member
Member # 9742
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm angry and resentful that I don't rate an apology.

I understand a bit of this. At first I was angry and resentful that I was lied to by the AP, too. It was like I gave myself 'permission' to do this horrible thing because it was such a great 'love'. Whoops, I mean 'lurvvv' If the AP hadn't been blowing love~coated big fat lies up my cheating butt, I wouldn't have jumped. Right???

What I finally realized (OK, quite a while) afterwards is that I was angry at myself that I got involved with a AP at all. The anger and resentment was about my actions NOT his.

Keep going.

- (another) JD

Forgiveness is giving up the possibility of a better past.

Nobody forgets what happens, the secret is learning to live with it.

Posts: 2795 | Registered: Feb 2006
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