During your affair, did you ever feel that it would be a deal breaker for your BW when she found out?
Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people
I had only been married a couple of years when I cheated. However, I was unbelievably arrogant. I thought I was such a prize and that being married to my XH was a lock as long as I wanted him, no matter what I did. Boy, were my eyes opened in a big way. Not only did he divorce me after my adultery was discovered, but once we began reconciling 2 years after the D, he brought many more criticisms/complaints (non-infidelity related) from our married life to light.
I was humbled by that conversation. Obviously by that point I had long since grasped that my cheating had been the final nail in the coffin of my marriage...but I had been quite blind to the majority of the other nails that had been put in before I was unfaithful, by other behaviors that I had just tossed aside as simply "who I am," take it or leave it. It was an eye-opener to see that, far from the great catch I thought I was, I really wasn't "all that" and didn't have him on the string all that while as I thought I did.
That's a very long-winded way of saying, you need to be very careful in believing you've got your marriage in the bag. We all went into it with intentions of forever, but it requires constant work and attention.
Married 2.5 years
Reconciling after divorce
She's an incredibly intelligent, accomplished, and self-assured women. She doesn't need anyone else on this planet to help her feel good about herself, and a big part of her recovery from learning of my betrayal of her was knowing she doesn't need me to in anyway to complete her. She's strong at the core, and her moral compass is unfailing. Kind of begs the question of why she married me?!? Well, maybe I'm not completely the profoundly selfish and delusional jerk I sound like. And I'm going back to the drawing board to map out a better me, which she deserves, and our better us is already happening (this thread to the contrary).
I get it...a bunch of you will be thinking "That little guy is about to drop into a hole and he doesn't even see it coming". Understood and fair enough. In a testament to the committment and strength of my wife, she still loves me, believes in me, and is showing me what unconditional love is. That's not weakness. That's strength...
[This message edited by JustDesserts at 3:51 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)]
You are here asking about how to let go though so listen to the people that have been there and done that and come out the other side.
ETA: I just saw your post that your BS knows about your struggles with letting go. My post still stands. Don't assume she won't walk out the door next week, next month or next year. Keep working on you and I wish you both the best.
[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 3:57 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)]
I think a big part of it was my fragil male ego. A part was the new relationship energy. And a part of it because I am broken inside in places I need to address. I will be doing just that vigorously, and with the support of my wife, moving forward.
Yes, I cheated on a beautiful (seriously), smart, sexy accomplished woman of character and depth. And I did so with a much lesser woman. Yup...I'm nucking futs.
In a testament to the committment and strength of my wife, she still loves me, believes in me, and is showing me what unconditional love is. That's not weakness. That's strength...
Ya, see I don't see that so much. A healthy person doesn't stay while another person is in love with someone else. They detach, love themselves enough to tell you to go fix your shit and come back when you are healthy.
And a hug or two every 10 excorciating posts or so might be nice, also.
Why? What have you done or said that makes sympathy the thing to give you? We're not going to pat you on the back and say it will be okay.
Also stop with the I'm just a small a*hole not a big one thing. Your a cheater, liar and more then a bit selfish. The letter to AP yea the thought should never have been there let alone carried out. The thought that your wife will honor her vows even though you did not astounds me. You knew while cheating she'd probably forgive you so is that why you've made mo actual changes? You were not special to AP get that through your head. You fed her ego kibbles and she gobbled them up and she did the same for you. It's to the point where you still need them and have not learned how to give yourself what you get from others. In a way you're getting it from your BW because she's willing to just let you do what you need if it helps your closure. Give me a break. When she finally hits her anger and OMG moment you're in for a rude awakening. Back to the vows part though why is till death do we part more important to uphold then pledging your love and fidelity? More important then the words what god has brought together let no man tears asunder? I don't know if you had a religious ceremony but most have vows of fidelity and you already broke that. Why do you think she doesn't have the right to turn and leave when you already broke the vows?
Both had DDays and TT
Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.
Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.
Contrary to outward appearances, sometimes, you don't have all the time in the world to get yourself together. What was tolerated prior to the affair might not be good enough, anymore. In other words that lull you speak of might be because of your unwillingness, or inability, to be truly vulnerable with yourself, and with your BW. Now that she knows you chose to fulfill your fragile ego outside the M she may decide that you have a lot to accomplish BESIDES helping her heal from your betrayal.
Don't take her for granted, as you did with sending that note to your ex-AP, without input from her first!
I am not sure where to start. Sorry if this sounds harsh but there was no stop sign so here goes...
You expect an apology from the OW who was married and having numerous affairs? Why do you think you deserve an apology from anyone? She owes you nothing.
Your affair was based on lies and deceit. Nothing was based on honesty and truth.
If anything YOU owe her husband an apology for knowingly getting involved with his wife. She owes your wife an apology for getting involved with you.
You're hurt because your lying, cheating, lover wasn't honest with you?
I truly am not trying to be cavalier but wow you must have some ego.
And one thing I thought I would receive, but never have, is some sort of apology from my AP for what she did to me...lied, and ultimately threw me under the bus when her husband caught her due to her other connections with men.
Duh. You were recreational pleasure for her. And your feelings are hurt?
You are still in the fog and pining after the feelings you had with this woman.
Get to IC, get your head out of your butt and start to put all of your time and emotion into your wife, who is a much better woman than me because if my WH would project this bullshit on to me his ass would be kicked to the curb.
This is not about YOU anymore this is about you making it right for your wife. Get over yourself.
She's an incredibly intelligent, accomplished, and self-assured women. She doesn't need anyone else on this planet to help her feel good about herself, and a big part of her recovery from learning of my betrayal of her was knowing she doesn't need me to in anyway to complete her. She's strong at the core, and her moral compass is unfailing. Kind of begs the question of why she married me?!?
Regardless of how smart and accomplished she is - she is still human. You betrayed her and now you are wanting her to help you heal because your lover wasn't honest with you? Completely selfish of you. Don't disregard her feelings just because she is "strong" - it doesn't minimize what you have done.
Please please please get into IC. Wake up before your arrogant selfishness does drive your wife away. At some point, you aren't going to be worth it.
[This message edited by 1Faith at 5:26 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)]
In a testament to the committment and strength of my wife, she still loves me, believes in me, and is showing me what unconditional love is.
We are just warning you. One day Dude. One day she's going to wake up out of the shock that has been her life the past few months and it's going to hit her like a ton of bricks. "OMG. He fucked another woman."
I don't care how saintly and perfect a BS is (and trust me, I did my fair share of crowing about how awesome my husband has been thru this process) they can and will snap in the fraction of a second when you least expect it. And I am seeing that more now. It's not pretty. And my heart is shredded because I did this to him. Four times. And I can't take any of it back.
My husband tried to love me back. Every single time. He tried doing everything within his power to make his baby happy. But I was a black hole. Swallowing up everything like a vacuum. Leaving nothing but destruction in my path, and feeling empty. After the 3rd A, he threw up his hands and shut down on me. I had my 4th A. The light finally clicked on in my head. There wasn't anything wrong with him. It was me. And when I started digging in, he saw just how horribly broken I was, and how deep it ran. It scared him. It scared me.
This process of R has been a ton of major work for me. I have done everything. Not saying that to toot my horn. Just reality. He knew I was broken and he was done fixing me. It was time for me to put my money where my mouth was. That's what I've been working on for 20 months.
Now, I could have had my 4th A and we could have been all, "Ohhhh, I love you. Let's just pretend this whole mess didn't happen. We'll love each other more and hold each other tighter. M'k?" Just pretend it didn't happen. Pretend I'm not broken. Classic rugsweeping. And sure rugsweeping can work. For a while. Till someone trips on the edge of the carpet and all that crap underneath blows up in everyone's face causing a reaction that would rival Downtown's 4th of July fireworks display.
Will we encourage you and hold the flashlight up so you can see the cobwebs? Sure. Coddle you in the process? Not so much. That mindset is what brought you here in the first place.
BTW, go read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. Read up on boundaries. You'll be needing those.
"We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them."
I can assure you that in the back of your wife's mind she knows that you have given her a 'get out of jail free' card. Don't assume anything. Her patience will come to an end eventually if you don't work on yourself and stop the obsessing over the AP. If she is as strong and loving as you state, I would assume her standards and expectations are a lot higher than you can fully comprehend right now. Quite frankly, she deserves better. It seems like you want to give her better and for that I commend you. Stop making excuses and assumptions.
I wish you and your wife well as you go through all of this tonight. I'd love to hear how it goes.
But, I agree with Unagie.
Please stop with the 'whoa me, I understand and I am over it' saga...
It goes waaay beyond a few people telling you it's wrong to feel the way you explained in your first post. You had a lot of stuff there, yet now your seem to be over it...
Seriously - read your own profile:
Once upon a time, a cheater got cheated on...and caught. Thus, I'm what I like to think of as a WS/BC (Wayward Spouse/Betrayed Cheater). You know what they say about Karma...
D-Day: Spring 2012 (both my infidelity, and my learning my affair partner had cheated on me).
Where is FRM when he is really needed to knock some good 2x4's around?!?!?!
[This message edited by SandAway at 4:32 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)]
You talk about how amazing and great she is. How strong she is. How loving and committed she is.
I imagine that she probably IS all of those things. But I'm running into problems with your constant proclamations. It almost seems as if you are setting some type of *standard* or expectation and she is put in the position of having to *be* that *great saint* of a woman that you 'see' her as.....because if she ISN'T *those* things, then she is the opposite. Weak, uncaring, uncommitted, unforgiving.
It may not be your intention, but it's coming across to me as more-than-just-a-little manipulative......
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
I think it's a good thing that you stay NC first and foremost for your wife, and secondly for your safety. If your AP's BH read that email, I'm sure he was not happy about it. You never know what people are going to do in a situation like this.
Good luck to you, and keep posting/reading.